“Haa.”
Due to the frigid weather, he could see white wisps of breath even when he exhaled a little. The chilly night air hitting his cheeks, clearly signaled the approach of midwinter.
Rubbing his reddened fingertips on his coat, Ha Joyoon hurried his steps towards home. In the dark alleyway, street lights standing at regular intervals illuminated his path like cherry red bulbs of a Christmas tree, casting a beautiful scarlet glow.
Now that he thought about it, Christmas wasn’t too far away. Ha Joyoon’s hand rubbed at the tip of his nose as he thought about his schedule for next week. His face looked solemn, reflecting his varying thoughts. He had to make sure to start planning for next year. Since he couldn’t stay here forever, he needed to talk to the editor-in-chief after this week.
There was nothing holding him back now. No matter what choice he made, he had to quietly deal with it on his own. Freedom and a sense of loss, similar to a hole being drilled into his chest, coexisted strangely in his heart. This emotion, this feeling… Ha Joyoon didn’t know what name to attach to it.
He raised his head for a short while and looked at the dark and starless night sky. The moment the moon tilted and smiled, while the cluster of stars faintly guided the path that one’s life was to tread, life always took a step forward. Suddenly, a vague feeling weighed heavily on his heart, one that told him that he really didn’t know what choice to make.
His wandering yet quick footsteps gradually slowed as soon as he noticed a large shadow slumped in front of the entrance to a residential building not too far away from his own home.
“…”
…His narrowed eyes confirmed the man’s identity before subtly frowning. It was difficult to choose what action to take in this situation. A relationship, a distance, where he could neither approach nor leave. He had no idea if the gap between him and Kang Taejung had widened to the extent of his current hesitation. After the moment of hesitation, he began to approach the figure slumped by the gate, little by little.
Step, Step.
As he got closer, his heart, which had been racing painfully, gradually slowed. A light that turned on upon detecting human movement flickered, signaling vigilance against an intruder in a designated area.
His shoe tips were scuffed and dusty due to his day of wandering around for news coverage. As he took the last step filled with hesitation, the image of Kang Taejung slouched against the wall became clearer. The cold wind blowing made his brown hair flutter weakly, swaying repeatedly before settling back to its place.
“…”
Continuing to observe him without saying a word, Ha Joyoon eventually brought his knees together and hunched over in a squat. Tilting his head to get a closer look at Kang Taejung’s face, the pungent smell of alcohol hit his senses, causing his fair and delicate features to contort in a grimace.
“Stinks of alcohol.”
Ha Joyoon let out a sound of distress as he leaned back for a moment, before leaning his upper body forward again, fixing his gaze on Kang Taejung’s eyes, nose and lips for a while. Such a handsome face, one he missed so much. How many times had he looked at this man’s face? Ha Joyoon quietly let the name of his former lover escape his lips.
“Taejung-ah.”
“…”
“Taejung-ah.”
A name so sweet and beloved that it hurt just as much. As he called his name, Kang Taejung’s beautifully drawn eyebrows drooped downwards.
“Taejung-ah, it’s cold.”
His lips tensed at the unfamiliar sensation of the name he uttered. How had the words he had affectionately called for 30 years become so painful in just a few months? The awkwardness furrowed Ha Joyoon’s brows, before he managed a slight smile and spoke.
Taejung-ah, Taejung-ah.
His call continued once again, similar to transparent air, but the heavily intoxicated man remained motionless. Despite Ha Joyoon’s attempt to shake him awake by grabbing his shoulder, he didn’t budge. With a troubled expression, Ha Joyoon looked around for a moment before he eventually draped Kang Taejung’s slumped arm over his own shoulders. His body involuntarily swayed under the weight. A familiar scent wafted into his lungs. A scent he had missed and loved dearly. The cold breeze made his eyes water and he rubbed his eyes against his coat.
“Looks like I’m still weak…”
He chuckled at his joke to himself. However, as soon as he began to lift Kang Taejung’s body up, all signs of his smile disappeared like they had been wiped out by an eraser. Unlike his slim appearance, Kang Taejung had a muscular build and there was a significant difference between both of their body structures.
Having forgotten that fact for a second, Ha Joyoon came to the conclusion that he couldn’t move the drunk man on his own.
Groaning with a serious expression and unable to lift the man properly, he pushed the large body back to the corner and searched for a different option. He had only moved for a brief moment, but his forehead was already covered in sweat. In the past, he had dealt with different situations and his stamina had remained fine, but it seemed he couldn’t fight against illness, afterall.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“Zs rajwlcj tjr gfjiis tla gbmx ybaabw. Ktlr lr rfglber.”
He quickly gave up. After a moment’s hesitation, Ha Joyoon wiped his sweat and pressed the doorbell installed on one side of the wall. Beep. The sound of the bell was similar to a bird’s, disturbing the calm of the night. It seemed like everyone in the house was asleep, seeing as there was no response. And only after pressing the button a few more times did he get an answer.
-Who is it?
Ktf uejgvfv nblmf bo j wlvvif-jufv kbwjc oibkfv bea atgbeut atf lcafgmbw rqfjxfg. Lfjglcu atja jii abb ojwliljg nblmf, Lj Absbbc rabbv atfgf, ecjyif ab rjs j kbgv jr tf rajgfv yijcxis ja atf lcafgmbw. Ynfgktfiwfv ys lcvfrmglyjyif fwbalbcr, tlr atgbja alutafcfv jcv tf kjr gfcvfgfv rqffmtifrr. Cr atf qfgrbc bc atf batfg fcv bo atf lcafgmbw gfwjlcfv rlifca, jccbsjcmf mgfqa lcab atf kbwjc’r nblmf jr rtf gfqfjafv atf defralbc jujlc.
-Who’s visiting this late at night?
He felt burning heat at the corners of his eyes. The frigid winter wind hit his entire body but it couldn’t extinguish the boiling emotion within him. Pressing his nose with a cold hand, Ha Joyoon leaned toward the intercom, his upper body slightly hunched before he quietly opened his mouth to speak.
“Mother, it’s Joyoon.”
Click.
Without a chance to say anything else, the intercom turned off. As he raised his head to figure out what was going on, Creak– he heard the sound of a door opening and footsteps running down the stairs. And soon after, Clank– the gate opened as well — all in an instant.
“Yoonie, you’re here.”
Moisture glistened in her dark eyes full of kindness. Kang Taejung’s eyes were exactly the same as his mother’s. Full of warmth, soft, gentle and sweet…
“It’s been a while, Mother.”
Other than a brief greeting when he returned, he hadn’t been able to give a proper visit, under the excuse that he was recuperating. It wasn’t exactly an excuse but ultimately, his breakup with Kang Taejung had been the biggest reason. Breaking up with someone didn’t just end up being an issue for two people. It affected the countless relationships that had been built during their time together
“I heard there was a reunion today. I guess you both went together?”
Upon hearing her words, Ha Joyoon recalled a text message that was forwarded to him a few days ago and lowered his head in silence. So you went for the reunion. Memories of his school days where he couldn’t fit into the strange atmosphere ran through his mind. They were memories that were neither good nor bad.
“I had work to take care of, so I couldn’t join. Taejung went alone instead.”
“I see. You look thinner than the first time I saw you…”
“No, that’s not true.”
The small woman pulled him into her embrace. Despite their height difference, he felt like he had been pulled into arms larger than his own— a big, warm and healing embrace. With hesitating hands around her back, Ha Joyoon buried his head on her shoulder. The scent he had long missed wafted as chilly breaths scattered dizzily.
“You didn’t even show your face once.”
As she affectionately scolded him, Ha Joyoon rubbed his nose against her arms. Memories that he thought were fading, resurfaced vividly as if they had only happened yesterday. Meaning of life, purpose for existence, the direction to move forward…
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ll come more often now, right?”
“…”
“Look at you…”
He had nothing else to say other than an apology. He couldn’t make any concrete promises and had no confidence that he’d be able to keep them, either. No matter how much he longed and loved, he couldn’t just return to the past now. Too much had happened and they had already crossed the big river; he couldn’t hold on to the ankle of someone who had already made the decision to move forward instead of turning around.
“By the way, Mother, Taejungie, Taejungie is very drunk.”
Trying to change the difficult topic, Ha Joyoon quickly stepped out of the woman’s embrace and pointed at a corner near the gate. A tall man was slumped in the direction his finger pointed, wearing a dark gray coat and clearly intoxicated. The woman’s eyes measured the man’s identity, and slightly wrinkled as she realized he was indeed her son.
“Oh my, he’s…”
Going over to her son’s side and circling around him for a while, Taejung’s mother covered her nose due to the strong smell of alcohol, and turned to face Ha Joyoon. Her wrinkled face looked to be full of distress.
“Yoon-ah, you might need to lend a hand. Taejung’s dad is on a business trip and will be back tomorrow.”
Plop–
The tall body was tossed onto the bed sheet. His tightly shut eyes showed no sign of opening and he breathed in and out in shallow breaths, each of them filled with the smell of alcohol. Having used up the last of his strength by carrying him up to the second floor, Ha Joyoon found himself sinking to the floor and exhaling heavily. Taejung’s mom, who had assisted him and was currently watching him, quickly turned around.
“Oh my, look how bad my memory is. Yoon-ah, wait. a minute.”
“No, it’s fine. Uh…”
Without a chance to stop her, the woman had gone down to the first floor where the kitchen was located. Ha Joyoon’s hand, which had instinctively reached out, awkwardly hovered in the air.
“Huu…”
He eventually gave up and leaned against the edge of the bed, pressing the back of his hand on his sweaty forehead. He blinked slowly and faintly opened his eyelids. Through his dazed vision, scenes buried somewhere in his memory appeared along with the familiar scenery of the room.
There was a time when he frequented this place until the thresholds became worn out. Because I liked you so much. Because I wanted to show you my photos. Because I wanted to share precious items with you. At the corner of his lips, exposed beneath his hand, appeared a faint smile that seemed like it could break at any moment.
“Should I leave?”
After taking a deep breath, Ha Joyoon tensed his leg muscles. It was too late at night, and he needed to quickly go wash up and sleep for tomorrow. Heub. A groaning sound rushed out from between his teeth.
He patted his knees and back a few more times before fully rising, the change in height giving him a broader view of the room. As Ha Joyoon’s eyes glanced through the furniture and items, a mix of longing and regret that he couldn’t quite hide filled his eyes. His wandering eyes stopped at a corner of the room where a box with secure taping was laid. Recognizing its familiar appearance, he realized that it was the item he had sent through his sister.
He hasn’t opened it yet.
Ha Joyoon closed and opened his eyes, recognizing the faint hurt in his heart. Even though he tried not to hold on to false hopes and expectations, he realized that the human heart doesn’t always do as one wishes. The rough scars left of his hand-ripped wounds still needed a long time to mend.
Kang Taejung not opening the box could mean that he had decided to not dwell in the past and focus on the future instead. Regardless of how they decided to sort out their relationship, they each had their own method and role to play. He no longer had a reason to feel sad or hurt by Kang Taejung’s decisions.
After a fleeting glance, Ha Joyoon soon passed the man lying on the bed and turned to the direction of the door.
“…Yo…”
He stopped his steps and turned around when he heard a faint voice. He saw Kang Taejung still lost to his drunken state, but breathing heavily. His normally relaxed eyes were now twisted in pain, making it difficult for Ha Joyoon to simply look away. His beautifully drawn lips slowly parted again, releasing a specific sound.
“… S… Ha…”
The name he muttered was one Ha Joyoon could recognize without needing to strain his ears. Youngwoo-yah, Seo Youngwoo. That’s probably the name Kang Taejung would call in such an agonized voice. Even though he already knew the reality he was faced with, it still left a small wound on his heart. With a wistful smile, Ha Joyoon turned the doorknob.
He realized once again that he was no longer the one who could be next to him, or apologize to him or be the one Kang Taejung would seek when drunk.
Still, he believed that the love they had for each other in the past wasn’t just meaningless. The hurt had not completely healed and the love still remained unforgettable, but the past times they spent together weren’t completely meaningless and worthless.
He simply hoped that the current pain wouldn’t leave a stain on their past years and emotions. You’ve already been hurt and tormented by my mistakes and selfish choices. I hope you find comfort from someone new for the wounds of loneliness you had to deal with. What I couldn’t do or give to you, that person would embrace and do for you.
Click–
After closing the door and stepping out, the corridor outside the room was dark, without a trace of light. It looked just like his heart that had nothing left in it. Leaving behind his heavy heart, he cautiously felt the wall as he went down, and was faced with Taejung’s mother coming out of the kitchen with a tray. Her eyes widened as she saw him and Ha Joyoon bowed with an awkward expression, holding onto the railing.
“Mother, I have to go now.”
“You’re leaving already? “
“It’s pretty late.”
As he scratched at his nape and gave an excuse, she placed a tray on the shelf in the corridor and took a step closer.
“Let me see you more often, you heartless kid.”
“…Okay. I will.”
“Just because both of you had a fight doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get to see you.”
“It’s not like that.”
“What do you mean ‘it’s not like that’? The awkwardness between you and Taejung is very obvious. Taejung may be my son, but he’s the type who may seem fine on the outside, but is actually sulky on the inside. You know that well, too, don’t you? Since he’s very fond of you, he might act reluctant if you extend a hand, but he’ll still take it anyway.”
Ha Joyoon couldn’t bear to tell her that he had not just extended a hand, but hung onto him to the point where Kang Taejung got sick of him. He recalled how he had acted childishly and unreasonably towards Kang Taejung only a few months ago, due to his unsorted emotions. With a slightly bitter smile, Ha Joyoon gently held onto both of the woman’s hands as she looked at him with eyes still filled with concern.
“Mother, don’t worry.”
“….Well, child…”
Taking in a breath for a moment, Ha Joyoon soon gave his peculiar smile before he continued,
“We’ve just been so busy with our individual jobs that there’s been no time to have a proper talk. You don’t have to worry too much about it.”
He couldn’t tell if he said those words for Taejung’s mother’s sake or if they were self-affirmation, but each word conveyed his sincere feelings.
“I’m glad if that’s the case, but your coldness towards each other has lasted for a long time, which was why I got worried.”
“It might not happen immediately but we will go back to our past friendship someday, so don’t worry and please get some rest. I’ve stayed for quite a long time.”
“Alright, I understand what you mean. I shouldn’t interfere too much. You must be tired since it’s so late. Thank you for today–
If not for you, my son would’ve frozen to death. Take care on the way home and say hello to Hyesun for me. Tell her I’ll be there to visit soon.”
“Okay. I’ll take my leave now.”
He lowered his head in a bow and then turned away. “Make sure to reconcile!” He heard the woman’s voice add, but his steps on the way outside didn’t stop any longer.
Creak–
As the metal door opened, the chilly air immediately rushed at him, awakening his somewhat dazed mind. Adjusting his slipping bag strap, Ha Joyoon quickly went down the stairs. He felt like if he stayed a moment longer, he would not be able to control his emotions and show an unsightly appearance.
Someday… After a long time has passed, would we be able to someday establish a relationship in a different form? Once this lingering attachment and longing completely fades away, could we truly smile, ask about each other’s well-being, share details about our daily lives, and sincerely wish the best for each other?
Even though it still seemed like an unimaginable dream, Ha Joyoon sincerely hoped it would come true.
“Yoon… ah…”
A voice twisted with pain as it called someone’s name. Without anyone to hear, the hollow cry simply drifted aimlessly with more lightness than the vacuum in space.
😍
Love the angst
Thanks for the chapter ♡♡♡♡♡
Really enjoying this novel – thank you
will there be a continuation of the translation? 😭😭😭
Thank you so much for the update translator
Guess I need to look for the manwha to see how this ends…
Has this novel been dropped? That would be tragic!!!