>>> there’s a bit of ableism in this chapter
A soft, golden light shone over the man’s broad shoulders. His body had been sitting motionless for hours, and remained still even as time passed. How much more time would go by? His hand that had been clutching his knee, slowly moved to touch his forehead. Blue veins that ran from the back of his hand to his forearm were strained, as if to indicate suppressed anger.
“If one side wishes to end things, we are to break off the relationship immediately.”
“Wasn’t this what we settled on in the beginning? I’m only stating what was decided.”
With a rare frown, he tried to remember the person he had been with a few hours ago. What expression he made, his tone of speech, his gestures, his gaze. He knew that doing this was pointless, but his memories didn’t stop unraveling.
The lingering image of the pale, withering hand slipping from his grip wouldn’t leave his mind. Shin Kwonjoo clenched his teeth and roughly wiped his eyes, intensifying pain traveling up his nerves. These kinds of emotions and confusion were unfamiliar to him.
The cool air brushed against his cheek. At some point, a faint smile graced the corner of his lips, which had been frozen like a fossil. One side of his lips were slightly upturned, undeniably drawing the emotion of a wry smile.
He understood his countless conflicting thoughts. But that wouldn’t change anything. One side suggested they ended their relationship and the other accepted the suggestion. That was where the problem all ended. While he still had lingering emotion, he already knew from previous experiences that even those would eventually disappear over time, without a trace. The emotions that had drifted through him like an unusual current over the past few months, along with the behaviors he exhibited that were unlike him, would revert back to their original state. So there was no reason to feel this kind of discomfort.
However, despite his endless rationalizations, he couldn’t quite accept this highly logical justification. Even though there were no more factors to consider, he was on the verge of bursting into laughter from his inefficient mind that continued to entertain other possibilities. At some point, when he became aware of his clenched fist, he raised the corner of his lips and stopped himself.
Blocking the aimless flow of thoughts, he forced his fatigued body to stand. In just a few hours, his condition had hit rock bottom compared to his state over the past few years. With various tasks strewn that demanded his attention even on the weekend, it would be better to get some sleep. Even as he mechanically contemplated his schedule, a non-productive question endlessly repeated in his mind.
Why exactly?
After a long time of being accumulated and sealed up at its entrance, his surging flow of emotions had been out of control. The tight sensation in his chest felt quite unfamiliar to the man. A red alert somewhere in his mind interrupted his thoughts and warned him to focus on what needed to be done at the moment.
Rubbing his tired eyes, Shin Kwonjoo made his way to the bedroom. The expression on his face seemed darker than just a while ago, his hand continuously brushing over his cheeks that were just as solid as rock.
Suddenly, his jet-black pupils gazed somewhere, his eyes falling upon the partially opened bedroom. It was the place he led that dazed out person, and gave in to reckless passion. Just a few hours ago, the place had been filled with a sense of fulfillment. But now, all that awaited him was dry air and gray, as if it had all never happened.
***
Afternoon had long since passed when he finished moving the last piece of luggage. Outside the window was the fall of dusk, hinting at the significant shortening of daytime over the week.
It was winter.
Unable to sort through everything, Kang Taejung sat down amidst the boxes that had been roughly stacked and wiped the sweat off his forehead, resting one arm on his raised knees. His gentle face was filled with fatigue.
“Are you done unpacking?”
Seeing his mother open the door and come in, his expression subtly relaxed.
“Most of it.”
“You worked hard. Still, I’m so glad you’re back. The house felt so empty with just your dad and I…”
At her tone that held discontent, Kang Taejung smiled sheepishly and slightly lowered his head. The underlying reason for his departure was because of his selfishness, after all.
“It’d be nice if you moved back in permanently.”
“I’ll consider it.”
He gave a sweet smile as he responded to his mother’s complaint.
He had wished to be with Ha Joyoon without fear that someone would see them. As childhood friends whose parents were also close, he and Ha Joyoon had too many barriers that existed between them. At some point, they had vaguely considered revealing their relationship, but for people who were barely in their mid-20s, it had felt distant and challenging. Above all, Ha Joyoon already had few human connections. He didn’t want to subject himself to people’s pointing fingers and worse of all, his family’s rejection.
That emotion seized upon his vulnerability. Their trapped feelings had bound the countless times they spent together with a fence called ‘friendship’. But it wasn’t as if he could fault anyone for it now.
“You should have dinner.”
“I have somewhere to be, so I need to go out. ”
“You just got here but you already have plans on a weekend? You’re making me sad…”
“I’m sorry. They told me to make sure to join the high school reunion since I haven’t been there in years. I’ll be back early.”
“I guess there’s no helping it… But your dad said he won’t be back today, either.”
“I’ll be back before midnight.”
Releasing a sigh that had become a habit, Kang Taejung glanced at the window of the building opposite theirs. A small window with a curtain hiding its interior. Merely looking at it made his heart sting. The pain he presently experienced from his intricately intertwined emotions was something he couldn’t precisely label. He felt regret, longing and guilt all at the same time.
“Will Yoonie be at the reunion too?”
The name, which pained Kang Taejung just by hearing it, caused him to flinch without realizing it. Ha Joyoon, who was never interested in such gatherings unless Kang Taejung asked him to come along. Even though he knew there was no way Ha Joyoon would be there, it was hard for him to respond casually..
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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“Now that you’re home, you should bring Yoonie over. I haven’t had much of a chance to talk to him since he came back to Korea.”
“Okay.”
Leaving behind the past time that flowed mercilessly, he checked the message that had arrived in the morning. It was a text containing the location, time, and other details of the evening gathering. As he scanned through each letter of the text, on one hand, he couldn’t help the cowardly anticipation in his heart rising within him.
Would you come?
He tried to come up with several possibilities, only to suppress them shortly after. While he used to be quick to hurt and push others away when they became attached, the version of him who now held a meager expectation of coincidences seemed ridiculous. His flawless features twisted completely. Over time, the void in his chest didn’t appear to fill; rather, it grew larger. The unidentifiable wind within the void, was powerful and merciless enough to sweep away everything within him.
***
“How long has it been? It’s not like your face is framed from gold.”
“Haha. I’ve been busy.”
“You’re not the only one busy.”
Amidst the bustling atmosphere, Kang Taejung accepted the glass of alcohol offered by his long-lost classmate and let out an empty laugh. One could guess the place’s ambience from its dim lighting, the haze of cigarette smoke and the several bottles of alcohol.
These high school alumni gatherings were usually at the end of the year. However, in the past few years, Kang Taejung had only met separately with people he got along with for drinks, and had been unable to properly join in on the alumni gatherings.
He thought back to the last reunion he attended. His last memory was him dragging a reluctant Ha Joyoon along with him six years ago. Taking a deep breath, Kang Taejung thought about how much time had passed.
His partner had disliked being in crowded places. It wasn’t like that in the beginning, but when Ha Joyoon realized he was being ridiculed and seen as odd by other men their age for having fewer words and slower reactions, his discomfort had grown worse with each passing day.
Due to Ha Joyoon struggling to mingle with others even as he grew older, Kang Taejung took him to tons of gatherings whenever there was an opportunity, firmly believing that it would be beneficial for his partner.
Despite disliking his autonomous decisions, Ha Joyoon never refused or showed his displeasure. Enduring the uncomfortable atmosphere, staying until the end, and making an effort to join in on the conversations — Kang Taejung had found those actions endearing at the time. Looking back, he realized it was ultimately just his own satisfaction.
He didn’t regret the time that had passed. He had done his best and loved with all his heart. However, he did wonder at times, if what he did was truly right. What if the things I considered to be for your sake were done for my own self-satisfaction? What if I inadvertently stifled you and cut off your wings? Thoughts like that floated around his mind without a resting place.
Thinking about the Ha Joyoon from a few days ago, who had looked at him like he was a stranger, made Kang Taejung’s eyebrows painfully furrow.
Thud.
“What were you thinking about that your face looks like that?”
Kang Taejung blinked as the sound of the table being struck brought his wandering thoughts back. A man with a gentle appearance and thin-rimmed glasses sat in front of him.
“Dohyun-ah.”
“How many months has it been? Were you busy all year? You could’ve at least responded to my messages.”
“I was busy. I really was. It probably doesn’t hold a candle compared to being a doctor, though.”
“Well, that’s a relief.”
“Your residency is ending soon, isn’t it?”
“Don’t even talk about it.”
With a laugh similar to a whine, Lim Dohyun lightly scratched his neatly organized hair that he had pushed back. Kang Taejung also poured himself a drink while responding appropriately to Lim Dohyun’s humor. Glug, glug- The transparent liquid flowed into the similarly transparent glass. The small glass contained numerous disoriented and drifting emotions and memories.
“Joyoonie isn’t here?”
He came to a sudden halt as he was emptying his glass. Without a chance to feel the refreshing sensation flowing down his throat, Kang Taejung put down the glass and stared at the person sitting in front of him. Ha Joyoon. The one who never interacted with his peers and always stuck by Kang Taejung’s side throughout high school. Seeing his high school classmate call him that way and ask about his wellbeing, felt odd. Not sensing the changed atmosphere, Lim Dohyun continued with a warm smile.
“Punk, you and Ha Joyoon are a set. You both always used to come together, so I assumed it would be the same today. I even discussed the reunion with him, but he didn’t mention whether he would attend or not.”
“…How do you know?”
“Huh?”
“Have you met Yoonie recently?”
It had been 6 months since Ha Joyoon returned, but very few people aside from his family and Kang Taejung knew about it. There were even people who had no clue that he was previously declared missing. Most of those who were aware were individuals with a direct connection to his work, as Kang Taejung had been seeking their help and visiting them. As far as he knew, Lim Dohyun was among the latter group. As Kang Taejung’s questions continued, Lim Dohyun’s expression grew bewildered.
“Well…”
Unable to forget what Lim Dohyun had easily said, Kang Taejung’s darkened gaze brightened for a moment. The only person who knew about Ha Joyoon’s return apart from his family and work colleagues. Suddenly, a thought crossed his mind.
“Dohyun-ah.”
“H-Huh?”
The man, who hastily downed his drink, stuttered in his speech.
“The hospital you work at is affiliated with Hangang University, right?”
“Yea… It is.”
His shoulders flinched. Various factors that couldn’t be combined began to fit together one by one, like puzzle pieces.
“I didn’t come to visit you at work. The hospital I go to is in the area.”
“I’ve been going here for a few months now. So, don’t misunderstand things. I won’t do anything that’ll be a bother to you…”
Hangang University Hospital. Lim Dohyun. Neurosurgery resident. …Ha Joyoon. As he fit in the final puzzle piece, the hand on his face trembled sporadically.
Oh… So that was it.
He let out a heavy breath onto his palm. Images of Ha Joyoon leaving the hospital, Ha Joyoon slumping on the street, and Ha Joyoon’s pale face dripping with cold sweat, all collided relentlessly. At the end of a long silence, Kang Taejung barely managed to open his clenched lips.
“Is Yoonie… your patient?”
“Huh? Hey, hey– you emptied your glass.”
As Lim Dohyun quickly poured more drink into the empty glass in an attempt to change the topic, Kang Taejung grabbed his wrist.
“How’s Yoonie doing? You know, don’t you? Is he in bad shape?”
With perplexed eyes, Lim Dohyun’s gaze alternated between the hand gripping his wrist and Kang Taejung’s face. After a moment, he sighed and placed the bottle of alcohol onto the table. Searching for words for a brief moment, he stared at his former classmate with a serious expression.
“Weren’t you close to Yoon?”
At the calm question, Kang Taejung’s piercing eyes wavered in an instant. “Taejung-ah,” Lim Dohyun took in a deep breath and continued,
“Even though Yoon is my patient, I can’t tell you anything.”
“…”
“I know you’re close to Yoon, but friends are still considered outsiders for issues like these. If the patient himself doesn’t want his family to know, I can’t tell them either. If you’re really curious, you can ask Yoon instead. But if Yoon doesn’t say anything, he probably doesn’t want to talk about it, so you shouldn’t be too persistent. It’s his private life, afterall. ”
Outsider.
Not having a firm relationship with Ha Joyoon – not a family member, lover, or even a friend – Kang Taejung felt an indescribable emotion from the accurate words that indicated his position. He was confronted with the undeniable truth that had been forced into his subconscious. An outsider. Someone he had no relationship with. A relationship where he could no longer be concerned or interested in the other’s life. A relationship that seemed to have been swapped for emotions akin to a blazing fire, capable of burning him down to his bones.
“That’s true…”
“Taejung-ah.”
“Yea, you’re right. I’m an outsider. Sorry, I got too worked up for no reason.”
“No, I feel bad that I can’t tell you, either.”
Only after Kim Taejung’s apology did Lim Dohyun nod, his face shifting into a more easy-going one.
Unable to spend a lifetime burdened by an unbearable love, he let it go. In place of that, he gained the courage to start anew within the solace of a peaceful and stable life, along with the comforting embrace of a caring new lover.
“It just feels strange to hear you say that.”
The awkward expressions he made, the way he looked at Kang Taejung like a stranger, the moment he completely forgot about Kang Taejung – all of these were things Kang Taejung had to endure.
Emptying the remaining glass of alcohol into his mouth, Kang Taejung couldn’t gather his thoughts amidst the relentless flood of unpleasant memories. I was slowly but surely starting to forget you, until you came back. While forgetting, I felt the desire to lean on someone else. Because I realized that nothing is eternal.
So…
“Taejung-ah, Taejung-ah.”
“What?”
“I took a picture. Do you wanna see it?”
“I saw enough of them yesterday.”
“I took a different one today.”
“…Really? Let me see it.”
“Since you hated the flower, I took a picture of a bug this time.”
“…They’re pretty much the same.”
He kept recalling Ha Joyoon’s childhood appearance; smiling brightly and never looking embarrassed despite the blunt replies he received. He couldn’t tell if the emotions he was remembering were from the present or the past. Everything was a jumbled mess. Faced with memories that were hard to reconcile, he started to quickly empty the glass in front of him without holding back.
“Hey- Taejung-ah! Don’t drink too much.”
“It’s fine.”
“What’s fine, you punk? The gathering has barely even started, yet you’re the only one who can’t control how quickly they’re drinking.”
Despite Lim Dohyun’s concerned words, he sat like a fixture for a while, emptying out the remaining alcohol. Only when Lim Dohyun, worried about his state, took the glass away did his mindless drinking spree come to an end. However, the alcohol he had consumed within such a short period was enough to jumble his rationality and emotions.
Thunk- Just as an eerie silence settled over the table, a half-filled beer glass wedged itself between Lim Dohyun and Kang Taejung.
“Taejung-ah, it’s been a while.”
Hearing the familiar voice, Kang Taejung raised his heavily drooping head and confirmed its owner. The classmate with a bold appearance and short sports haircut wasn’t someone who particularly belonged to his close circle.
“Right, long time no see.”
Forcing on a mask-like smile, Kang Taejung insincerely nodded. The other person soon exchanged greetings and the usual formal conversations with Lim Dohyun. Family, friends, work, hobbies, romantic relationships. As they discussed their lives, the intensity grew as time passed, accompanied by the red glow of lighting and the right level of intoxication. But it grew difficult for Kang Taejung to stand the emptiness.
Why did you come here? What were you expecting? Who did you want to see? A sense of futility filled the space in his empty heart. And then, he had to continue a pointless conversation made for form’s sake.
“But why didn’t you bring your gum?”
“Gum?”
At the peculiar term, Kang Taejung’s softly curved eyes narrowed. However, the high school classmate casually continued his words without noticing his reaction.
“I meant Ha Joyoon. You two were a duo back then. You always brought him with you to our alumni gatherings.”
“…”
The man emptied his remaining alcohol and wore a mischievous expression, letting out a hearty laugh. As his laughter grew louder, Kang Taejung’s expression turned coldly rigid. However, said classmate didn’t realize this and crudely interjected in a distinctively rough tone, alcohol drenched on his lips.
“That prick always followed you around in school, is it still that way? I haven’t seen him in ages, but I do miss seeing him. I thought he was autistic at first, you know? Even when someone spoke to him, he’d just stare blankly and then start talking about something else soon after. A bit late to ask this but does he have some kind of disability? He’s not mentally retar…”
Crash—! Clatter—!
Before he could finish his words, his body was pulled upwards. In an instant, the gazes of people in the bar turned toward one direction. The dishes and utensils on the table scattered and tumbled to the floor, and the table itself was pushed diagonally. In the blink of an eye, Kang Taejung’s eyes shone intensely with a deep blue rage as he twisted his high school classmate’s collar.
“What did you just say?”
“Cough… Tae-Taejung-ah… That’s not it…”
The man, whose outfit was crumpled from the tight grip constricting his throat, coughed and struggled as he clung to Taejung’s wrist in a futile attempt to overcome the strength of his intoxicated opponent. His words were normally considered as thoughtless and cheap jokes among friends, so he was caught off guard by Kang Taejung’s intense response, unable to summon a proper defense.
“What do you know about Ha Joyoon to run your mouth?!”
“Taejung-ah, Juseong didn’t mean it that way. He was joking arou…”
Lim Dohyun, who had rushed over in a hurry, grabbed his arm and stopped the fight. The gaze directed at him was also filled with anger.
“Joking? How could you call that a joke? ‘That prick’? Who are you to say shit like that?”
“Hey, Taejung-ah!”
“Autistic? This piece of shit…!!”
“Ugh… Let go…”
As he was once again ignited by flames of anger and agitation, the fellow alumni at the other tables began to realize how serious the situation was and came running one after the other in an attempt to pull Taejung and the other man away from each other. Even as his arms were restrained and he was pushed back by the hands of several people, he didn’t stop yelling. What do you know? What the hell do you know about Ha Joyoon? You have no clue what kind of person he is but you judge him based on what you see.
However, despite the irrational and unrefined expression of his anger, Kang Taejung knew better than anyone else.
I was the one who didn’t know. I was the one who didn’t know you. It wasn’t anyone else but me who isolated your world and made you live only in mine. While pushing you away with feeble sympathy and concerns, I was the one who always worried that you might show interest in others aside from me. How could you not have known about such contradictions within me? In the end, to you who chose to see only me for my sake, I… A cry of remorse filled the narrow, dark space.
💖 thank you so much!
Thank you!