I washed up and then ground some coffee beans in the kitchen to make a strong brew. I put two slices of bread in the toaster and cooked small sausages and eggs in the frying pan. After putting together the completed breakfast on a plate and placing it on the table, I held my breath and listened, and it seemed like the person upstairs was still asleep.
In the closet, there was my sky-blue suitcase that I bought with him for our Chuseok trip last time.
I gently touched his navy-blue suitcase of the same size but different color, then laid down my own suitcase and opened it. Since it was new, the zipper was stiff. Inside the suitcase, there were two sachets of desiccant with small beads rolling around, and it had the distinctive smell of a new item.
I picked up my books, folders, pens from his study, and grabbed a jar of chocolates from the kitchen fridge before dragging the suitcase upstairs.
Quietly passing by him sleeping, I opened the closet door and entered. Underwear, socks, shirts. I dropped ties into the open suitcase rolled into a ball. I took all the shirts off the hangers and folded them neatly to prevent wrinkles. From among the neatly folded pants on the shelf, I selected a pair of dress pants, and as I looked up, Han Team Leader, leaning against the closet door, was watching me.
“You’re up now…”
I paused. His eyes, looking down at my suitcase piled high, seemed chilly, as if he hadn’t fully woken up yet. His well-shaped lips were tightly closed.
“…Since I won’t have a reason to come to Team Leader’s place for the next two weeks, I wanted to prepare in advance. I need clothes to go to work during that time…”
Excuses that he didn’t even demand came out of my lips. Han Team Leader glanced at the half-empty hanger and replied slowly.
“I guess so. If I’m not here, Lee Seodan won’t have a reason to come here.”
“…Yes.”
“…I’ll leave in about thirty minutes. If you’re going with me, get ready.”
I stared at the disappearing figure through the closing door. Soon, the sound of the bathroom door closing and the faint sound of water could be heard.
It was strange. The distance that had narrowed to the point of being inseparable over the weekend suddenly widened again by another inch.
After packing my bags and leaving them in the hallway, I sat at the table first. Han Team Leader, in a comfortable shirt with wet hair, came downstairs. He sat across from me with a nonchalant smile.
“Eating the breakfast Lee Seodan prepared. Sometimes you’re good enough for business trips.”
“…From now on, even when you’re not on a business trip, I’ll make it for you.”
“The eggs are well cooked without being runny.”
Actually, I broke one and cooked another one, but it seemed unnecessary to mention that.
I watched Han Team Leader start cutting the corner of the toast carefully and spoke cautiously.
“I… if possible, I’d like to go to the airport with Team Leader to see you off…”
“Mm.”
He still smiled and put down the knife.
“It seems uncertain because of the timing. It won’t work out if you’re late for work after coming back from Incheon.”
“…Yes.”
After calculating various airport bus and taxi times yesterday, I came to the same conclusion. I wondered if there was any other way.
“And.”
Han Team Leader added. Apart from the slight frown on his forehead, his face was expressionless.
“I think I’ll feel uncomfortable leaving you behind and going through the departure gate from my side.”
“…Yes.”
“I’ll rather drop you off at the company on the way. If you’re okay with going to work early.”
I nodded. He had almost finished his plate when he came back.
I forced myself to gather my nonexistent appetite and cut my sausage in half to eat. Although it was the same bread that he had made delicious sandwiches with yesterday, it didn’t taste like anything when I toasted it.
While I finished getting ready for work, Han Team Leader tidied up the kitchen and loaded both suitcases, including mine, into the car. When he came back, he lingered at the entrance, closed all the windows of the house where no one would enter or leave for two weeks.
The neatly arranged living room was locked in the cold blue light of the morning. I stood by the entrance, staring out at the city beyond the glass door, trying to imprint the view into my memory as if it were a scene I wouldn’t see for a long time.
“Let’s go.”
Han Team Leader came downstairs with a coat draped over one arm and asked. I stepped aside to let him leave the entrance first.
“Did you pack everything?”
“Yes.”
“It might be cumbersome when you get off work because of the luggage.”
It was something I hadn’t thought about when packing in the morning, but I lightly nodded.
“It has wheels, so it’s okay.”
The front door closed.
I followed Han Team Leader into the elevator and descended to the apartment parking lot. I got into the passenger seat of the car parked nearby. It felt a bit tiring, and there were only two suitcases in the trunk, but it felt like our usual routine of commuting together.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
Perhaps because of that, I found myself engaging in various conversations on our way to the company. I asked what he usually does between check-in and boarding at the airport, and double-checked how work reports and reviews would be handled while he’s away. I also brought up the specific schedule for the overseas trip we were planning for the Chuseok holiday and discussed various travel reviews we had read over the weekend.
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As I helplessly gazed at him, the signal changed. He turned the car and stopped in front of the company building.
It wasn’t a parking spot. He didn’t even change gears. I spoke softly, as if deliberately avoiding looking at the sidewalk outside the window.
“I need to take out the suitcase…”
In the end, he turned the car again and headed to the underground parking lot of the company.
I spent those precious few minutes in silence. I couldn’t say anything. Even when he stopped the car in front of the underground elevator lobby, took out my suitcase first, and stood silently while closing my car door, I couldn’t say a word.
The parking lot before office hours was still empty. The air was hazy and cool with a hint of exhaust. The plastic handle of the suitcase he handed me dug painfully into my palm.
“I’ll see you later.”
He intercepted the words I had rehearsed. It was an emotionally unreadable, bureaucratic expression.
“Even if there’s nothing urgent, keep in touch often. Don’t worry about the time difference.”
“…Yes.”
“I’ll contact you when I arrive.”
“Have a safe trip…”
Even if this wasn’t the company parking lot and there wasn’t a CCTV in the lobby outside the elevator, I wouldn’t have been able to reach out and hug or kiss him right now. His cool and indifferent face seemed like it belonged to someone else. It was the face of a superior I occasionally met in the lobby or elevator, but each encounter would shake up my entire day. It felt endlessly difficult and dim.
So instead of saying goodbye, I just bowed my head. For a moment, as if he was trying to say something, he looked at me silently, then nodded his head once and opened the driver’s seat door. His side profile was visible through the car window.
“Go inside first.”
He said with the window halfway down. I nodded and stepped back into the elevator lobby with my suitcase. The glass door closed quietly.
As I pressed the elevator button, I turned back to look at him. The silver behemoth of a car stood still in its place, not moving until the thick iron door closed after I got into the elevator.
His face wasn’t visible from where I stood. So I couldn’t know what expression he had as he left me behind.
***
Monday without him passed just like any other day.
Shortly before his flight departure, I received a picture from him of the boarding gate and ticket, and I left a message with a slightly calmer heart.
“Have a safe trip.”
Since he often worked remotely, an empty desk wasn’t an unfamiliar sight, but the team atmosphere somehow felt unsettled.
The supervisor was now feeling quite pleased that she could finally relax a bit and work. Seeing an internet shopping mall site casually on the screen as I passed by, it seemed like she was planning to take full advantage of the opportunity of his absence to have a good time.
Throughout the working hours, I couldn’t help but think about him, who by now might be soaring high somewhere in the sky. Since I’ve never personally been on a plane, I couldn’t quite imagine how a huge metal object could fly in the sky. The fact that people could travel to different continents by plane was truly astonishing. In fact, I even wondered if he wasn’t somewhere in Seoul where I couldn’t reach him, instead of being in the unreachable sky.
As I entered my house after work, I looked up at the cloudy and overcast sky. I imagined the scenery above the sky that he might be seeing through the airplane window.
Upon searching, I found that airplanes fly at about 1000 km/h. Even as I stood here, he was getting farther away from me at a speed of about 280m per second.
My chest fluttered as if I were about to feel motion sickness. I realized how foolish I had been last week to avoid him over something trivial. Emotional distance might be narrowed if we put our minds to it, but physical distance was an issue we couldn’t do anything about.
He was truly in a place where I couldn’t reach him. An immense ocean that human hands and feet couldn’t cross separated us.
The phone rang at eleven twenty at night. Upon seeing the familiar name on the screen, I took a deep breath and let the phone ring a couple of times.
– I’ve arrived safely.
A familiar voice came through the receiver. Perhaps due to the long flight or the distance of the call, the voice sounded a bit muted.
– Now, I’m picking up my luggage and heading to rent a car.
“…What kind of car are you renting?”
– I already made a reservation for a reliable one from the usual company. I’ll send you a photo when I find it.
I could hear the sound of unfamiliar wind mixing in from outside where he was. If I listened closely, I could faintly hear the sound of wheels rolling on asphalt, the engine noise of the parking lot, and the foreign languages of passing people. It was the noise of a foreign land. It was only now that I truly realized he had gone to a completely different country.
– What time is it there?
He asked.
“Uh, it’s… sixteen hours ahead, so it should be around seven thirty in the evening.”
“…Yes. And what about Team Leader?”
– It’s morning here. Seven thirty in the morning.
“Seven thirty tomorrow?”
– No, today.
Although we had simulated the time difference over the weekend, today my head felt heavier. When I stayed silent, he chuckled softly.
– Lee Seodan, if you wait about thirty minutes, it’ll be tomorrow for you. So it’s the 12th there, and I’m still on the 11th.
“…But wasn’t it around eleven in the morning when you left?”
– That’s correct.
“But if it’s now seven thirty in the morning where you are… aren’t you actually arriving earlier than when you left?”
– That’s right.
He chuckled again.
– It’s the only time travel we can experience before science advances further.
“……”
– It would have been nice if you were here.
His voice sounded as if he were right next to my ear. I suddenly felt empty, as if his arms were empty.
“How was the meal on the plane?”
– It wasn’t bad. Lee Seodan, did anything happen? Did you have dinner?
“…Yes.”
To tell the truth, I hadn’t eaten much all day, but perhaps because I had three meals a day that he made over the weekend, I didn’t feel very hungry today. I sat up, hugged my knees, and brought the phone closer to my ear.
“So… are you going straight to work now? You couldn’t sleep, right?”
– I’ll go to the hotel to unpack and head to work in the afternoon. I managed to get some sleep on the plane.
…Oh, hold on a moment.
His voice faded away. I could hear sporadic conversations in rapid English with someone. I waited quietly, breathing softly. Then I heard the sound of the car trunk opening and closing.
– …I found the car. I should hang up now since I need to drive.
“Sure. Drive safely.”
– I always drive safely. I’m not Lee Seodan, after all.
His voice was filled with affectionate laughter.
– I’ll contact you later. Goodnight.
“Yes. Have a good day, Team Leader.”
– Okay. I’ll hang up first.
“…Yes.”
After staring at the screen displaying his name for about five seconds, I slowly moved my finger towards the end call button. The connection was cut, and the dark room fell silent.
A moment later, a message notification sounded. His photos appeared successively on the screen. There was an unrealistically beautiful blue sky seen through the airplane window and some ice cream that looked like part of the in-flight meal.
The next photo was of an airport building against the clear sky. The sky had a deep blue color as if it were really morning.
“What about a photo of Team Leader?”
I impulsively sent a message, and shortly after, a reply came. It was his expressionless face captured from a straightforward angle. Black sunglasses rested on the high bridge of his nose. It seemed like he was sitting in the driver’s seat with the backrest behind his slightly tousled hair visible.
I zoomed in on the photo and breathed quietly. The phone vibrated with the arrival of a message.
“What about you?”
I hurriedly got up and rushed to the bathroom. When I turned on the lights and looked at the mirror, my hair was tousled, and my face looked pale and tired. Thinking he might be waiting, I opened the camera function on my phone and took a picture in front of the mirror. When I zoomed in, my white face with closed lips looked like a big-eyed child.
I reluctantly sent him the photo and waited, knowing that taking more wouldn’t make it any better. The message was marked as delivered, but there was no reply.
I turned off the bathroom light and slowly returned to the dark bedroom. I sat on the bed, covering my knees with the blanket.
The response that finally arrived was short.
“I’m eating well even without you.”
As I stared at the screen, the phone vibrated again.
“And let’s practice taking selfies.”
I thought he wouldn’t be much better, but I didn’t write that way.
“Hope you enjoy lots of delicious food, Team Leader.”
I turned off the phone screen and lay on the bed, looking up at the dark ceiling. I breathed slowly and cautiously as if avoiding a hole in my chest that had appeared suddenly.
Suddenly, I remembered and looked at the clock. It was already past midnight. Today, the day he left me behind, had come before he arrived.
***
Even during his business trip, the company ran smoothly. The supervisor showed me part of the business review email she received from him and shook her shoulders. The email, which started without any formal greeting, ended with, “Always approach your work with your salary converted to an hourly rate in mind.”
“I only had about half a day off. How did he know?”
“……”
“Lee Seodan, when else are you going to have fun if not when the boss is away? Isn’t that right?”
The supervisor turned her chair towards me and asked seriously. I just smiled and shook my head. Not because I had any thoughts about the supervisor’s question, but because I thought I shouldn’t make any slip of the tongue due to lack of sleep.
Since Han Team Leader’s departure on Monday, I had only slept for about three hours over the past three days. My condition seemed serious enough that Deputy Park and Supervisor Kim, who had lunch with me on Thursday, both asked with worried expressions.
“Are you feeling unwell? You’re not leaving work early these days. Is it because Han Team Leader is not here?”
Examining my face up close, Deputy Park spoke, and I felt my heart sink somewhere. Just hearing someone talk about him made it difficult for me to breathe.
“How about going to the hospital, Seodan? I went suddenly during the summer when my body acted up. They said it was just a heat stroke. Surprisingly, there can be various diagnoses for the symptoms, you know?”
“Yeah, it’s the transitional season, so if you’re feeling unwell now, you have to be careful.”
I just nodded. Lately, all my attention was focused on the small message screen. As if the virtual room we were in were a real space, I huddled inside it.
At every opportunity, I sifted through the photos he sent, avoiding others’ eyes, and calculated the time until I could talk to him. He was generally frequent in his communication, and with me, he wasn’t stingy with his time. Even if a meeting conducted through video call, ended promptly within the allotted time, he didn’t rush to end our calls, whether it was late at night for me and he was working, or it was late at night for him and before dawn for me, as long as there were no other pressing matters.
I exclusively monopolized his drowsy voice just before he fell asleep and his groggy voice right after he woke up.
He would inquire about my mundane daily life, and explain his day spent there. He also sent a few photos taken with researchers and employees there. Surrounded by foreigners of various races in a bright office, he seemed comfortable as if he were a regular worker there.
I was fine only when I was talking to him. As soon as I hung up, I struggled with thirst. I always felt dazed and my vision was blurry. On Thursday afternoon, I made so many strange work mistakes that the supervisor asked me seriously.
“If Team Leader were here, Seodan, you would have been scolded a lot, but it’s fortunate that he’s not here.”
While the supervisor said that, all I could think of was that it would be nice if he were here, even if I were scolded a hundred times.
Coincidentally, that day was the day he said it would be difficult to call. I managed to rectify all the mistakes I made and left work at eight. Descending the subway stairs absentmindedly, I stopped midway. I turned around, retraced my steps, and changed direction.
The farther I got from the station entrance, the faster I walked. It seemed like the orange taxi parked by the roadside was about to leave.
“Stop, please!”
Knowing he wouldn’t hear, I shouted. Another taxi stopped across the street, and I saw someone getting out of the back seat. As soon as the pedestrian signal turned on, I waved my hand and ran while crossing the street.
“Wait, this…!”
I grabbed the still unlocked car door. Out of breath, I couldn’t speak.
“Just ten minutes, I’m about to leave…”
“Get in.”
The taxi driver said indifferently. I put my backpack away and got in, blurting out the familiar address. The taxi driver, who glanced at me with concern due to my breathlessness, must have thought it was something urgent, as he quickly drove me to my destination.
Getting out of the taxi as if possessed, I entered the grand apartment building. I pressed the lobby access code naturally, as if I were coming home. I took the elevator.
In the hallway I hadn’t seen in four days, it still smelled luxurious and cool. Arriving at the front door, I caught my breath. I lifted the keypad cover and pressed my finger, and the blue numbers blinked. I entered the ten-digit password I had memorized long ago accurately. Click. With a solid sound, the fortress’s door opened.
Dim twilight illuminated the living room. Through the wide glass window, I could see the sparkling cityscape.
The house remained unchanged, but he wasn’t there. I stood in his dark living room for a while. The ticking of the wall clock filled the air.
“……”
I took a deep breath. Although the air was chilly and stale, I could feel his presence everywhere.
I climbed the smooth wooden stairs to the upper floor. In the spacious house, only my footsteps could be heard. Holding the handle of the closed bedroom door and opening it, a cozy space with dark curtains unfolded.
I sat down on his wide bed as if I were someone who had found what they wanted. I swept my palm over the neatly arranged duvet. The dry and smooth fabric clung to my sweaty skin.
I reached out and pulled one of his pillows towards me. Holding the soft and large object close, I lay down. As I took a deep breath, I faintly smelled his scent. The scent of shampoo and cologne he used, mixed with the warmth and clean smell emanating from his unscented body.
I brought the remaining pillows and lay between two pillows. As if mocking my original plan to take the pillow and return home, I fell into a deep sleep, dressed in his shirt and suit pants, just as I had intended.
When I opened my eyes with a throbbing head, it was the next morning. It was an absurdly simple method, but after four days, it was the first deep sleep I had fallen into.
The next day, after realizing that bringing one of his pillows home had no effect, I finally headed to his apartment with a wheeled suitcase late Saturday evening.
awww 🥹🤍 mr. Han please hurry up your bb can’t sleep