As September approached, the heat showed no signs of relenting. However, the breeze on the way to work in the morning and the sunset breeze on the way home had cooled considerably, and the days encroaching into the night, extending into the realm of darkness, were gradually becoming shorter.
Team members, including Supervisor Kim, seemed cheerful from the first day of September. And no wonder, for September was a month filled with things to look forward to for them. There were long Chuseok holidays starting at the end of the month, and just before that, Han Team Leader had a long-term overseas business trip lasting for almost two weeks.
September was also a special month for me. Han Team Leader’s birthday fell at the end of September, marking the beginning of autumn in earnest. It coincided with the end of his business trip. In other words, he would be in the United States for his birthday, while I would be in Korea.
“Supervisor.”
“Yeah.”
Upon learning this fact for the first time, I couldn’t understand it, so I asked the supervisor.
“Supervisor, do you still celebrate birthdays?”
The supervisor covered her mouth with one hand and vaguely gestured with the other. It meant to wait until she finished eating what was in her mouth.
“…Surprised, huh? Why are you suddenly asking? Shouldn’t Lee Seodan take care of it?”
“Ah… I was just curious.”
Coincidentally, seaweed soup was served in the cafeteria today. There were round oil droplets floating on the clear broth on my plate, and black seaweed stems sticking out.
Stirring the seaweed with her chopsticks, the supervisor replied.
“We do celebrate. Not as grandiose as in our twenties, but around that level. Meeting friends for a meal, getting a meal from home. Oh, when I had a boyfriend, I went on dates. That much?”
“…I see.”
I guessed that was about average. Since I didn’t have anyone to celebrate my birthday with, it was a bit different, but I knew people who carried flowers or posted cake pictures in their profile photos, so it wasn’t uncommon for adults to celebrate birthdays without forgetting.
The supervisor carefully chewed a spoonful of rice and added.
“It’s in February, by the way. Still a way to go, but…”
“Yes, I’ll remember.”
“It’s a joke. When is Lee Seodan’s birthday?”
“I… It’s in November. Late November…”
It felt like it had been a long time since I had said it aloud, as the date didn’t immediately come to mind. Since I hadn’t celebrated it since high school, it didn’t feel much different from other dates when I heard it. “Late November,” the supervisor murmured as if memorizing it. I shook my head belatedly.
“Please don’t congratulate me.”
“Why would I not congratulate you?”
“Ah… Because I don’t celebrate my birthday at all…”
“Then start this year. I’ll take care of it. Just buy me a delicious meal on that day, okay?”
I couldn’t tell if the supervisor was teasing me or serious, as her eyes sparkled. Feeling awkward, I took another half spoonful of rice and put down my chopsticks.
“Supervisor.”
“Yeah.”
“For example… if there’s someone who doesn’t normally celebrate birthdays…”
“Yeah.”
“And that person is in a relationship, and the person they’re dating wants to celebrate, so if that person makes other plans or can’t spend the birthday together, does the person dating have the right to be upset?”
As I spoke, I realized it was a complicated sentence full of faceless and ambiguous people. Still, the supervisor listened seriously and even put down her chopsticks, pondering deeply.
“Well… Is it an unchangeable promise?”
“Yes.”
“And the person didn’t intentionally make other plans?”
“Yes.”
“Then, while it’s not a big mistake, the person in a relationship would probably be upset. Do you need rights to feel upset? If you feel upset, you feel upset.”
“…I see.”
“So, something came up at the end of November. So Lee Seodan’s girlfriend is upset?”
The supervisor squinted as if she knew everything. Mistakenly understanding completely, I chuckled involuntarily.
“That’s not it.”
“Hmm…”
The expression on the supervisor’s face indicated she didn’t quite believe me. Anticipating further awkward questions, I pushed my plate away slightly.
“Shall we head up once you’re done? I think I need to review some documents before the meeting.”
“Oh, right. I was going to do the same. Our team leader seems unusually low-pressure today, almost as if he’s about to break down.”
The supervisor checked her watch as she replied. I fell silent. Today, I knew why Han Team Leader’s mood was so down.
Returning our trays side by side, drinking some water, we entered the bustling elevator and went back up to the fourth floor. The department was still empty.
I sat down and before starting work, I glanced at Han Team Leader’s empty desk.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
I reflected on the light argument we had at his place last night. It happened after we had dinner together and were sitting in the living room. I was listening to him explain about the time difference with his destination, and I suddenly asked.
“Vb, ktja jybea sbeg ylgatvjs?”
“Let?”
“P atbeuta sbe kfgf mbwlcu yjmx obg sbeg ylgatvjs…”
C qehhifv fzqgfrrlbc oilmxfgfv jmgbrr tlr ojmf, jr lo tf tjv cfnfg atbeuta jybea la yfobgf. P qgbvvfv tlw jujlc, offilcu ilxf P kjr agslcu ab ugjrq rbwfatlcu rilqqlcu atgbeut ws olcufgr.
“Tbe kbc’a yf tfgf bc atf 22cv?”
“That’s when the business trip is scheduled.”
“….”
“Did you have plans for that day?”
“Yes, of course…”
There was a fleeting hint of amusement and mild annoyance on his face. He reached for a file and said.
“It’s unnecessary.”
He spoke decisively, as if to signal the end of the conversation.
“I appreciate the thought, but I’m not one to usually celebrate birthdays, so you don’t need to worry about it, Lee Seodan. Not this year, or in the future.”
“….”
The ensuing awkward atmosphere was probably my fault. When I didn’t say anything, he eventually asked what was wrong. We locked eyes as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and even went as far as to apologize, saying he should have mentioned it earlier if he knew changing the business trip schedule would have made a difference.
But the problem was with me. Thinking back to the time I sneakily found out his birthday from his passport a few months ago, and the hours I spent practicing making seaweed soup and side dishes and searching for a gift alone at the department store, it wasn’t something I could easily brush off.
So, even though he hadn’t done anything wrong, I decided to stay upset for a few more days.
What was the point in pretending to be okay when I wasn’t? As the supervisor said, being upset seemed to be more about emotions than needing any special justification.
***
And within a few days, I deeply regretted that decision.
While I was feeling upset, I realized belatedly that the weekend we spent separately was the last chance to spend time together before Han Team Leader’s business trip.
He had been incredibly busy since the week before the trip. He either worked late into the night or brought work home every day.
Though we exchanged occasional texts, our conversations didn’t go beyond formalities. I lacked experience not only in relationships but also in dealing with fights and reconciliations. If things continued like this, I was afraid I would spend the entire two weeks regretting it.
So, three days before he was due to leave on Friday evening, while he was still at work, I cautiously sent him a text.
[Team Leader, are you busy this weekend?]
It took me an hour just to press the send button. I had been sitting on a bench near the subway entrance during that time. People were constantly coming and going up and down the subway stairs, and when I looked up, I could see the company building across the street where he would be.
His reply came about three minutes later.
[I’m at home.]
I stared at the concise message. It seemed like he skipped a couple of steps in the conversation. It was better than saying he was too busy, but I felt a sudden loss of energy, as if I could hear the emotionless tone in his words.
He could have been angry. From his perspective, what more could I do besides apologizing?
[Okay.]
I sent just one word before standing up. Avoiding the crowd, I stuck to the side of the road and walked in the opposite direction of the station. I thought it would be better to move around with a restless mind rather than wait anxiously for him to arrive early.
The streets on Friday night were bustling. Every passing building was teeming with people. The roads, which I thought I knew well from driving and walking countless times, turned out to be not as short or easy to walk as I had imagined. I even ended up crossing the street in the wrong direction.
As I retraced my steps, I thought. Just as passion alone couldn’t guarantee success in work, relationships also had their own procedures and rules. It was natural, but the fact that love alone couldn’t solve all relationship issues was daunting.
It would have been easier to let him take care of everything and be swallowed up by a destructive relationship. Maintaining a delicate balance, gauging an equal footing, was always difficult.
Arriving at Han Team Leader’s house completely exhausted, it was past nine o’clock.
Somehow, I had a feeling that he had arrived before me. So, I knocked on the door and waited. Soon enough, I heard footsteps from behind the door.
“Come in.”
Han Team Leader opened the door and stepped back. I silently stepped into the chilly house.
Whether he had been working until just now or not, the living room was only lit by indirect lighting, casting shadows across the sofa and table. Papers and a laptop were scattered on the table, and the floor-to-ceiling windows were partially covered by curtains, revealing the cityscape of the city I had just left.
“Did you come straight from home?”
He asked, looking at my attire. I slowly took off my backpack, which had been weighing down on my shoulders, and placed it by the entrance.
“I was waiting near the company when I contacted you.”
“If that was the case, it would have been better if you had come in together with me.”
“I didn’t know you would come early.”
“…”
“To kill some time…”
He didn’t say anything behind me. I took a step into the long shadow cast on the rug. Suddenly, I noticed something next to the open closet door. It was a black suitcase.
“Were you packing?”
“I had some things to take care of, so I took them out in advance.”
He replied. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. I traced my toes slowly along the edge of the rug.
“It’s bigger than the one we bought last time.”
“We kept that one for traveling together. This one’s been around for a while.”
“Yes… You’ll probably need a lot of things for two weeks. Clothes and all…”
“Not necessarily. Laundry services are available there too.”
“Yes…”
It was strange. His living room, which I had frequented countless times, felt wide and unfamiliar tonight. Even the conversation, which usually flowed smoothly, seemed slightly off-kilter. How could things have changed so quickly in just a few days of not seeing each other?
My toes reached the edge of the rug. I took a deep breath and stopped.
“Go on… Continue what you were doing. When you’re done, you can make time for me then…”
“If I have time.”
“Yes?”
“Why did you come here today?”
His tone at the end was calm, as if it wasn’t a question.
I was afraid to turn around and see the expression on his face. The shadow of anger, extending from behind me to the other side of the living room, trembled slightly.
“Do you know that you haven’t looked at my face once since you came in through the front door?”
“…”
“If you’re angry, then be angry. If you have something to ask, then ask. Don’t stand there silently driving people crazy.”
An irritated voice, tinged with frustration, filled every gap.
I couldn’t stand there any longer, so I turned around. It wasn’t that I wanted to leave his house. I felt like I should go to the bathroom or the closet until my heart calmed down, until I could look at him.
“Oh-.”
It was when I had taken only two steps from the edge of the rug. Suddenly, his arms wrapped around me from behind, pulling me in roughly.
“Team Leader-.”
It was a strong grip. I couldn’t resist as I was held tightly against him, almost to the point of feeling pain in my ribs. When I tried to turn my head, my cheek was pressed against his shoulder.
“I didn’t mean for you to go.”
His voice, lowered, whispered into my ear.
“You don’t have to do anything… Just stay here.”
“…Team Leader.”
My whole body was pressed against his warmth. His familiar scent mingled with my breath. I froze in amazement, like someone who had discovered lukewarm, sweet water after a long drought. How could I have gone a whole week without this?
I struggled to pull my arms out from his embrace. But Han Team Leader, perhaps mistaking my attempt to escape, tightened his arms around me even more.
“Just a little, please, let go of my arms…”
Reluctantly, he released my arms in the small space he had made and I turned around. Facing him, I hugged him back. My cheek rested against the familiar spot between his chest and neck. It felt like the tension that had unknowingly built up in my body over the past week was melting away.
He looked at me suspiciously, but as I nestled quietly into his embrace, he pulled me closer. I buried my nose in his shirt, taking deep breaths, inhaling his familiar scent. The faint smell of cigarettes, long missed, mingled in the warm, sweet air that filled my lungs.
“Did you smoke?”
My voice came out muffled as my cheek was pressed against him. After a short silence, he answered.
“Because you weren’t here.”
His voice was rough from fatigue. It was only then that I realized this week hadn’t been easy for him either. I hadn’t noticed the subtle anxiety in his casual glances at work or the simple greetings in texts, which had been the extent of our communication.
“Feeling better?”
He asked as he kissed the top of my head lightly. I nodded, then shook my head. The issue that had sparked this situation had become so distant in my mind that I could hardly remember it.
“I thought you were… angry at me.”
“What reason would I have to be angry?”
He replied. His nose lightly brushed against my exposed neck.
“I was just frustrated because I couldn’t understand your thoughts, Lee Seodan.”
“….”
In the past, he would have dragged me somewhere and pushed until some sort of resolution was reached. But his patience, waiting silently for a week until I reached out, was remarkable.
“What should I do?”
He asked as we sat together on the rug, with me nestled in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck, perching on his thigh.
“Actions speak louder than words, but it might be difficult to change the business trip schedule at this point. It was decided a long time ago.”
“…Yes, I know.”
“I didn’t think you would pay attention to my birthday. I don’t particularly like birthdays, and since I was young, I’ve let them pass without my family celebrating. How did you even know the date?”
“When you… showed me your passport.”
He fell silent for a moment, seemingly recalling the memory.
“When you said you wanted to see the stamp?”
“Yes.”
“It’s been a while. You saw it secretly and didn’t say anything until today?”
“…Not to that extent… I actually asked earlier, if the Team Leader didn’t have any other plans, it would be nice to go together. I already prepared a gift, but that was something I bought because I wanted to. If there’s anything he wants, I’d like to buy it for him.”
“…”
“I’ll buy a cake too…”
“Mm.”
“And for play… we can do what the Team Leader wants.”
“The last one sounds good.”
He chuckled. I could feel my body tingling.
Even in moments like this, where he seemed relaxed, I couldn’t help but feel resentful. I pressed my fingers against his back.
“If we do everything properly in November, it should be fine.”
He stroked my back as if in response.
“In November… ah.”
It was only then that I realized what he meant.
“No, I… you really don’t have to do that.”
“Why not?”
I tried to twist my body to escape, but I was trapped within the fence his arms had made. He briefly restrained me and asked again.
“Don’t you care about your own birthday?”
“I don’t… you know, Team Leader, it’s bothersome. You don’t have to pay attention to it, and I usually don’t celebrate it anyway…”
He muttered while pressing me down.
“No wonder you’re like this.”
“Team Leader-.”
“Alright. Let’s talk about it then, and we’ll celebrate my birthday symbolically after I come back. Don’t worry too much. Just remembering is enough for me, Lee Seodan.”
“…Okay.”
He concluded in a calm voice. As I relaxed my resistance, his lips lightly touched the back of my neck.
“There’s no law that says if something isn’t important to me, it shouldn’t be important to you, Lee Seodan. I’m sorry I didn’t consider your feelings beforehand.”
“No… I’m sorry too. I made plans without asking you…”
I gradually relaxed in his embrace. Our chests pressed together, our breathing synced. As he exhaled, I inhaled, and as I inhaled, he exhaled, our bodies fitting together perfectly like puzzle pieces. His slightly elevated body temperature spread through my tightly pressed body, warmth emanating from my fingertips to my toes.
“…Two weeks seem too long.”
With no one else to hear, I spoke my childish sincerity.
“Internationally, and the US is too far…”
Over the past few months, I had seen his face almost every day, touched his skin almost every day. Even if it wasn’t sex, we hugged, kissed, and held hands. Since we started dating, we spent almost every weekend together, so the fact that soon he would be on the opposite side of the earth didn’t feel real.
Instead of scolding me, Han Team Leader sighed softly. My body was pulled even closer into his embrace.
“Do I even want to leave you here and go?”
His voice was low. His hand, supporting my lower back, slipped beneath the hem of my shirt and gently caressed upward.
I barely regained my senses from his comforting touch. I bit down on my tongue to stifle the remaining petulance. How much more difficult could I make it for him with my predetermined actions?
It wasn’t like we were going to be apart for a year, it was just two weeks. Anyone else would have laughed. He wasn’t going to a place where his life was in danger, and it wasn’t like we wouldn’t have any contact at all.
So I thought I’d be a little anxious now, but once I sent him off, I’d be okay. Even though it would feel empty without him, I thought our daily routine would continue as usual, and before I knew it, two weeks would pass by quickly.
It was an absurdly naive thought.
***
I woke up earlier than Han Team Leader on Monday morning.
Leaving the bed and going downstairs, the cool blue light seeped into the living room through the floor-to-ceiling windows. His suitcase and briefcase were neatly placed in front of the entrance.
