Upon arrival, I unpacked the luggage I had brought from my house and changed into comfortable clothes. I put his pillow back on the bed and charged my laptop in his living room. It was an unauthorized intrusion without permission.
At first, I was so tense that I sat uncomfortably in the middle of the living room with only one light on, but as hours passed, I gradually became bolder.
I brought water I couldn’t drink and filled a glass, and I took out a few chocolates he had bought from his pantry for my share. Sitting comfortably on the rug, I placed the laptop on the table and even borrowed his Wi-Fi. I checked emails and listened to music. The sound from the laptop speakers startled me, so I quickly plugged in earphones.
When it was Saturday evening for me, it was Saturday morning for him. During weekdays, we talked in the early hours before he went to work, but today, it seemed he would sleep in a bit. So, I put on my earphones and started watching a movie, almost missing his call. At eleven o’clock at night, it was a call from him at seven-thirty in the morning.
“You’re up early for a Saturday.”
I hurriedly took off my earphones and answered the phone, but before he responded, there was a brief silence. He asked in a slow voice mixed with breaths.
– Have you had anything good happen?
“Yes?”
– Your voice brightened.
“…Oh.”
I opened my mouth to explain the situation and ask for permission. I wanted to tell him that I would only stay here for this weekend, catch up on some sleep, and then go back home. I also wanted to apologize for intruding without permission.
At the moment I was about to speak, at the end of my held breath, I caught a glimpse of bright sky blue. It was the suitcase I had placed next to the entrance. At that moment, I remembered the conversation from the Monday morning just before he left on a business trip.
“If I’m not here, Lee Seodan won’t come here.”
I recalled how chilling his expression was when he said that.
– What did you do today?
So when he asked, I swallowed once before answering. I paused for a beat, avoiding what shouldn’t be touched, and then responded.
“I just watched movies and stayed home. Are you busy today, even though it’s the weekend for you, Team Leader?”
– I have some things to take care of, so I might be busy. I was thinking of going to eat something delicious as you suggested, Lee Seodan, but… It might be difficult for a while.
Not long after waking up, his slow and low voice was mixed with breaths. He sounded unusually tired.
After hanging up the phone, I suddenly felt guilty about my comfortable weekend plans of sleeping in his bed. What was the trivial and childish problem that kept me awake without him, which I couldn’t even tell him about?
He was actually coping with a high-intensity business trip schedule without time to rest, and he allocated some of his limited sleep time to our conversations. Yet, he never fell behind in reviewing the work reports submitted by the team.
“If you’re busy… should I hang up?”
I asked, pushed by guilt.
– …Why suddenly?
“Because I feel like I’m taking too much of your time, Team Leader… You haven’t been getting much sleep either.”
Instead of answering, he laughed. I faintly heard a sound like opening a refrigerator. If he really decided to end this, it felt like I would be deprived of the oxygen respirator that I only received once a day.
– I dreamed about you, Lee Seodan, yesterday.
After a short silence, he spoke. There was the sound of ice clinking against glass and the cheerful sound of opening a bottle cap.
– Would you like to know what it was about?
“…Yes.”
– In the dream… I was in a hotel room.
I gripped my phone with anticipation, prepared to pull it out of my ear if necessary. He slowly continued, taking a sip of water.
– You know that hotel we used to meet at. Early this year.
“…Yes.”
– I remembered it because my room in this hotel is also on the 16th floor. I didn’t book the room, but maybe that’s why it came to mind subconsciously. I seemed to vividly remember the layout and furniture of that room.
He stopped there. Without even knowing the room he was in, I imagined him in his early morning attire, superimposing the structure of the room I remembered. I thought of his long fingers holding a water cup carelessly, his tousled hair, and his indifferent expression as he gazed out at the hazy gray city through the window.
“So…”
– So…
“What was I doing?”
Thinking it was better to be caught sooner rather than later, I asked first. A short laugh came from the other end of the line.
I’m not sure what you were doing, but at least you weren’t in that room.
“…You said you dreamed about me.”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
– To be precise, it was my dream of thinking about Lee Seodan in that hotel room.
“……”
– Or it could be my dream of waiting for Lee Seodan who didn’t come even though the appointment time had passed.
Pa kjrc’a pera j yjrfifrr vgfjw, mbcrlvfglcu tbk wjcs alwfr P tjv yffc ijaf obg beg tbafi jqqblcawfcar.
Rba xcbklcu ktja gfrqbcrf tf fzqfmafv ogbw wf, P yilcxfv. Qtfc P aglfv ab rqfjx, tf rlutfv ilutais. Llr ijhs nblmf gfujlcfv rtjgqcfrr ilxf gfujlclcu obmer.
– Deputy Park mentioned that Lee Seodan seems unwell.
“…Ct.”
Pa kjr ecfzqfmafv lcobgwjalbc ab yf gfijsfv ab wf.
– You told me you were doing fine. Should I learn from others about Lee Seodan’s condition?
There was firmness and danger in his smooth voice. Overwhelmed by his voice alone, I reluctantly agreed. And without revealing that I was currently answering his call at his house, I confessed all trivial updates and even today’s menu.
After hanging up the phone, I closed the laptop. I straightened the rug as if trying to erase my traces. After washing up, I meticulously wiped off the water splashed on the mirror with my sleeve.
I climbed up the stairs and lay down on one corner of his bed. The magic that had been doubtful of breaking seemed still effective. As soon as my cheek touched his pillow, a heavy and sweet drowsiness engulfed me. I piled up the growing guilt in one corner of my mind, covered myself with his blanket up to my neck, and closed my eyes.
***
The early autumn weather was fickle. The rain that fell in the morning cleared up neatly by noon, and the scorching sunlight that had been shining all day suddenly hid behind the dark clouds around quitting time.
I bought a small umbrella at the convenience store and carried it in my backpack. It seemed that when it rained lightly as I emerged from the subway entrance, people were seen rummaging through their bags. Soon, various shades of umbrellas bloomed like flowers on the gray street.
The day before his birthday and three days before he returned, on Friday the 21st, I felt like I had reached a certain limit without even realizing it. Whether it was because my tolerance had waned or because his scent, which had permeated, was gradually fading over time, I couldn’t sleep for more than a few hours even on his bed.
In the predawn hours when I woke up, I wandered around his dark house like an insomniac patient. I groped around the space he occupied as if trying to gather more evidence of his presence.
On the subway on my way to work, or while dealing with work with tired eyes at the office, there were moments when my chest constricted painfully, as if tears were about to come suddenly. But when I raised my hand and touched my eyes, they were dry.
Even without him in my daily life, I had managed to live well for over twenty years, but now, the thought of not being able to endure just two weeks without him seemed absurd.
This was not a healthy and mature relationship where both parties provided each other with a solid support while maintaining their independence as individuals. This was not the kind of positive relationship where even breaking up could be seen as the foundation for growth through pain.
Just as plants need water, oxygen, and sunlight to survive, his presence was already an essential element in my life. If he ever left me, that day would be the end of my world. Even if I continued to breathe, I couldn’t call it life.
During lunchtime, Deputy Park came to the consulting department. He said he would treat me to lunch and dragged me out. He made me eat until I was about to die. As I alternated between staring at the large bowl of white porridge and Deputy Park’s face, he had a smug expression.
“No, Lee Seodan’s face… I have a feeling he won’t digest well. It’s delicious here, and it’s good for when you’re feeling uncomfortable for a while.”
“…Thank you.”
I scooped up the white porridge with a spoon. Deputy Park pushed all the side dishes towards me on a small plate.
“Is it okay? It’s surprisingly tasty for porridge.”
“…Yes.”
The porridge was bland, and I couldn’t taste anything special. I couldn’t tell if it was always like that or if my taste had changed.
Throughout the meal, Deputy Park kept rambling on about trivial matters, for which I didn’t necessarily need to give lengthy responses. It was mostly about the mundane events in Deputy Park’s team or the time spent with his daughter. I accepted his consideration gratefully. With my current state, it would have been difficult for me to engage in a proper conversation.
“Deputy Park.”
Despite feeling slightly better from eating something, I had enough energy to ask him a question first when we were leaving the restaurant.
“I’m not sure if I can ask this…”
“Hmm?”
Deputy Park, who was rummaging through his wallet, turned to me.
“How long did you live together briefly before you got married to your wife?”
“Oh, that’s right. For about six months?”
Deputy Park, who received his card back from the staff behind the counter, replied. There was no discomfort in his demeanor.
“Even if you’ve been dating for a long time, it’s different when you start living together. You can only decide whether to get married after living together.”
“…Did you think that way too, Deputy Park?”
“It didn’t matter to me. We had been together for so long. It was uncomfortable at first to suddenly live together with someone in a small house where I used to live alone. The degree to which it infringes on each other’s daily lives is different from just dating. But then again… that’s fun. It’s about compromising and adjusting after arguing.”
“…Yes.”
“When you’re dating, you only show the good side of each other, so when you live together, the illusion breaks a bit, but that’s a stage you have to go through anyway. Anyway, I recommend it. It’s not bad to try if you have the chance.”
Deputy Park lightly tapped both sides of my thumb. I felt dizzy because of the cloudless sky and slowed down my steps a bit. It felt like the stiff snow couldn’t absorb the bright sunlight and was bouncing off.
On the way home from work that day, I had left my phone in my pocket and missed both the ringing and vibrating of the bell due to the noise of the subway. When I got off the subway and checked, there were two missed calls with his name.
My heart started pounding fast. I was supposed to call him before he went to bed today. What could have happened during these two weeks? I hesitated before touching the call button again. Over the past two weeks, I had become very adept at calculating the time difference, and two clocks were always ticking in my head. It was a little before three in the morning where he was now.
“Team Leader, did you call? I couldn’t hear because I was on the subway. Can I call you back now?”
I sent the message, worried it might wake him up. I stopped and waited for a reply, but there was none. The street where the sun was setting was chilly enough to need a coat.
Even as I returned to his house and cleaned the bathroom meticulously, and while I did the daily cleaning of the living room and bedroom, my phone remained silent. I couldn’t do anything in the dark living room and just sat there until it was time for our appointment at eleven o’clock at night. The signal kept ringing endlessly, and he didn’t answer the phone. It was the first time this had happened.
I thought I should report it to the police, but then I realized that even if something had happened to him, there was nothing the local police could do. After five missed calls and ten messages, my phone finally vibrated. His name was clearly displayed on the screen.
“Team Leader-.”
Acting fine, pretending everything was okay. The state and emotions that I had hidden every time we talked on the phone, so he wouldn’t worry, suddenly burst through today. My hand holding the phone trembled.
“I saw that you called earlier, but I couldn’t answer….”
– ….
“Where are you now? Is everything okay?”
My voice sounded unstable, as if I were about to burst into tears. I heard him take a long breath on the other end of the line. Eventually, his voice came through, sounding unfamiliarly calm and restrained.
– Everything’s fine. I just turned off my phone for a moment… I didn’t mean to worry you, sorry.
“Then… where are you now? It’s time for you to go to work…”
– Hmm.
Whether it was a laugh or a sigh, he let it out slowly.
– Oh, right, that’s true.
His response wasn’t quite satisfactory, and I momentarily closed my mouth. There was a clicking sound on the other end of the phone. It sounded like a window opening. Then came the faint, sharp sound of a lighter. I imagined a cigarette between his lips as I slowly lay my trembling body on the rug, damp with cold sweat.
The slow breaths mixed with the thick smoke of the cigarette lingered in my ears. I followed the traces of faint light left by the streetlights outside with my eyes. During the time it took for my gaze to move from one end of the large window to the other, the time it took for one cigarette to burn out, he remained silent. When his voice finally came through, it was calmer than before.
– It was probably a bit too much for two weeks.
“….”
– I should’ve brought Lee Seodan here, even if I had to force it.
His slightly bitter tone made my heart pound heavily. What was he hiding behind that always kind and relaxed voice? I had completely forgotten that he was much better at pretending to be okay than I was.
“…Now it’s almost Friday in thirty minutes… and then there are only two days left…”
– In terms of time, Friday morning and Sunday night are closer to three days.
He gave his usual dry response, then sighed afterward.
– Was everything okay today? Did you go to work?
“…Yes. Deputy Park bought me lunch.”
– You had porridge.
“…How did you know?”
A soft chuckle came through the receiver and seeped into my ears like rain on dry, cracked ground.
– I know everything.
“…Why did you call me in the early morning again?”
Just during the day, we exchanged messages with no significant content, and I even received a picture of his evening meal with colleagues over there.
“Did I appear in your dream again?”
– ….
Though I couldn’t see his face, I could tell from this silence that it was affirmative. I took a deep breath to calm the heavy lump in my throat. Sitting up, I leaned my head back. The dry skin around my eyes stung hotly.
The minute hand of the clock at the edge of my vision passed twelve. It was his birthday, the first one we would spend together since we met.
“It’s past twelve now, so it’s already the 22nd here….”
– ….
“Happy birthday.”
I waited for him to brush off the fact that it was the 21st in the morning where he was or to stubbornly acknowledge that he remembered the birthday.
– Thank you.
But unexpectedly, he responded plainly.
– While I’ve been here, I’ve come to realize that someday I’ll regret not spending this birthday with Lee Seodan.
“….”
– Right now, my birthday doesn’t hold much significance for me, but if Lee Seodan congratulates me every year, the date will gradually gain meaning. Then, someday, I’ll regret missing the first time. …I’ll have to make up for it properly in November.
I couldn’t help but think of the shopping bag and the small box inside it that I had brought with me when I came here, which was now in the upstairs closet, just like him.
Similarly, my own birthday held little significance for me. I had a premonition that no matter what I did in November, I would regret not spending today with him in the future.
“Have you… thought about a gift?”
I asked, like someone trying to compensate for disappointment with material things.
“If you tell me now, I’ll look for it before you come.”
– Hmm.
“Or is it okay if we go together when you come…?”
– Are you going to give me anything I ask for?
“Yes.”
I wasn’t sure if I could afford what he needed with the money in my account, but if he wanted something, I felt it wouldn’t be too much to spend.
After a short silence, I heard him laugh.
– At times like this, you should set limits within a certain range or within a certain budget. You should know what I’ll ask for.
“…What do you want?”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he said out of the blue.
– Looking back now, it’s funny, but before I met Lee Seodan, I thought I was a very rational person.
“……”
– It’s just a two-week business trip, and even that’s almost over. The fact that Lee Seodan isn’t in front of me right now….
His indifferent voice faded slightly at the end.
– I don’t know why it’s so hard to endure this.
And then he laughed as if he couldn’t believe it himself. In his bitter laughter, there lingered the shadow of thick cigarette smoke and the relentless nightmares of the past two weeks. Things I hadn’t seen. While I was engulfed in my own suffering, he was experiencing the same pain of separation.
I spoke as if compelled by something.
“Then… should I go?”
– …What?
“To where you are, Team Leader.”
I got up from my seat and revived the blacked-out laptop screen. Where could I book a plane ticket? He asked, ‘What?’ again, this time with a puzzled tone, almost never getting a chance to hear it.
– Now? You’re coming here?
“Yes.”
– …There’s probably no need for that. I’ll be back to Korea in three days anyway-.
“I don’t think I can wait that long.”
I typed furiously with the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. ‘Book a plane ticket.’ The white screen was dazzling, and I squinted as I scanned the search results. The names of the sites popped up.
“Where should I book? If I’m leaving today?”
– Wait, let me check first. It’s not as simple as you think.
“I’ve got my passport, and you said I didn’t need a separate visa for the US.”
– You don’t need a visa, but there are things you need to apply for separately in advance. And it’s a weekday, what about work? Are you just going to skip work and come here?
They’re so in love
And deputy park I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE you’re Juwon’s spy!