I continued my search while being not particularly rational myself, ignoring Han Team Leader’s attempts to convince me. I opened several airline and ticket reservation websites and typed ‘US travel permit’ in another tab.
“If I apply for this permit… it seems like it mostly comes out immediately. I’ll go to work… and then depart right away. It’ll take about twelve hours if I catch the plane then…”
My hazy and foggy mind quickly calculated the time and the time difference. Departing in the evening, almost after his birthday had passed, and reversing the time, just as he had said. Even if his birthday in Korea had already passed by the time of arrival, like the only magic available in the world without magic, it would make the impossible possible.
“Based on the time zone where you are, it seems like I could arrive on your birthday, Team Leader.”
– ….
He fell silent as if at a loss for words. Meanwhile, I entered the airport name and date and searched for tickets. As I scrolled down, I noticed that there were not just one or two flights to where he was. Flights with small airline logos were lined up by time. It wasn’t cheap, but considering I could see him sooner, it didn’t feel expensive.
– Lee Seodan.
Regaining his usual composure, he firmly interrupted me through the handset.
– Okay, so go and sleep for now, and let’s talk again when Lee Seodan wakes up tomorrow morning. Don’t make impulsive decisions. I may have unintentionally made Lee Seodan feel rushed, but after a night’s sleep, you’ll feel differently.
“…Yes.”
My heart was pounding as if I could keenly feel the blood circulating. The words of opposition didn’t register well in my ears. I got up and turned on the living room light.
“Then, since you have to go to work, I’ll hang up… I’ll contact you again in the morning when I wake up.”
– …Okay.
He still replied with an odd tone. There was a mix of an inescapable laugh, as if shaking his head while looking at me, in his voice.
“Have a good day, Team Leader.”
– Have a good rest, Lee Seodan… contact me tomorrow.
“Yes.”
After the call ended, I paced around to shake off the brief emptiness that followed.
It was a problem that could be thought over again in the morning, as he said, but I didn’t want to be persuaded by myself in a more rational state than now. I didn’t want to give myself time to think.
I was the type of person lacking in initiative and action, and someone who couldn’t easily go to unfamiliar places. Even though I hadn’t even been to an airport, let alone boarded a plane, if I thought about it slowly, fear would devour my certainty.
So, more calmly than ever, I sat down and moved the mouse. After a few more searches and trials, I applied for a US electronic travel permit right there. Fortunately, my passport was in his study. I filled out the blanks on the website, made the payment with a credit card, and soon the permit was issued.
I also booked a plane ticket right there. After a few hiccups and trial and error, I managed to secure a seat departing from Incheon Airport in the evening. A considerable amount of money left my account at once, and I received an electronic ticket via email.
That was it. It wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined.
Having exhausted a year’s worth of decisiveness in just twenty minutes, I crawled upstairs and fell asleep as if I had passed out, holding the phone in one hand.
Before my cheek touched the pillow, I thought. It was absurd to think I would go across the sea just to meet someone one day earlier. No matter how much I thought about it, love seemed astonishing.
***
I woke up in the morning and stared blankly at the ceiling for about a minute before taking a long shower with hot water and then sending Han Team Leader a screenshot of the plane ticket. While getting dressed, I received a call from him.
– Lee Seodan is really….
He couldn’t find the right words and ended with a laugh. It was a warm laugh that filled the phone line.
– Come then. I’ll be at the airport at the time of arrival.
“Ah… but it’s in the afternoon, so you’ll be at work, right? Just give me the address, and I’ll find my way there.”
– You’ll become an international missing person if you do that. You’ve never been abroad. No, do you even know where to go from Incheon Airport? Do you have a way to get to the airport?
“I’ll look everything up and go, so don’t worry.”
Glancing at the clock, I pushed my arms into the rest of the shirt sleeves. Since his house was close to work, the time I left home had been getting later and later lately.
“I think I should head to work now. I’ll catch the flight and see you tomorrow.”
– …Okay. Get through the airport procedures and contact me again. Call me if any issues arise.
“Yes, I will.”
Before hanging up, I heard his incredulous laughter again. I stored the lingering aftermath of the call in my ears like a day’s worth of rations and got up. I felt like I had to hurry to pack my things before going to work.
As I crossed the pedestrian crossing in front of the company with my sky-blue suitcase, my phone vibrated. The screenshot he sent was a similar electronic plane ticket to mine.
[It’s the return ticket. I matched mine to be one day later. Print this out too, as it may be needed during immigration.]
[From Saturday, we’ll spend time together, and then I’ll leave on Sunday evening from here.]
[Monday, I was already scheduled for a day off, so why don’t you take a break too, Lee Seodan.]
That meant we would have time for just the two of us after he finished work. And considering the time difference, it also meant arriving in Korea on Monday night and having to go to work the next day. Even to me, it didn’t seem like a very sensible weekend schedule.
A message from him arrived belatedly, as if he had read my mind.
[While dating Lee Seodan, it feels like being in my early twenties again.]
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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P uba qfgwlrrlbc ogbw ws reqfgnlrbg ab ifjnf kbgx fjgis. Zs ybvs kjr lc j rajaf bo reyaif fzmlafwfca atja vlvc’a reyrlvf. P wbnfv atf wberf abb juugfrrlnfis, mjerlcu atf megrbg ab gfqfjafvis tla atf fvufr bo atf rmgffc, jcv ws tjcvr rtbbx, boafc asqlcu atf rjwf mtjgjmafgr aklmf bg vfifalcu fcalgf rfcafcmfr klat atf yjmxrqjmf xfs.
Nevertheless, my work speed seemed to be about twice as fast as usual. During lunchtime, I nibbled on a sandwich and even touched on what needed to be done on Monday, before leisurely finishing lunch and returning to my desk, where my slow progress was met with a slow round of applause from my supervisor.
“Oh… you’re trying to do as much as possible today. Since you’ll probably have to take a day off on Monday…”
“Lee Seodan, where are you traveling to this weekend? With your significant other?”
My supervisor was quite intuitive about such matters. When I couldn’t answer right away, she sat down and gave me an understanding look.
“Sounds nice. Have fun.”
“…Yes.”
“Since the Team Leader won’t be here until Monday, it’s a good time to go out. I wish I could go on a trip too. The weather’s nice, and it’s not crowded since the vacation season is over.”
My supervisor buried her chin in her arm and then added as if she had just remembered something.
“Take some pictures and show me. Even if it’s just for vicarious satisfaction.”
“…Yes, I will.”
I hoped my supervisor would forget about it over the weekend and focused on my work again.
Time flew by. Occasionally, I had to check my phone to confirm the flight ticket. As it approached four o’clock in the afternoon, my heart began to beat irregularly. It was noticed by my supervisor that I was sitting still with my hands off the keyboard.
“You were supposed to go somewhere?”
“…Yes?”
“You said you’d leave work early. Isn’t your flight today?”
“Oh… yes.”
I moved the mouse to shut down the computer without thinking. My supervisor urgently tapped my shoulder.
“Did you save that file?”
“Yes?”
“A pop-up says the file wasn’t saved.”
“…Oh.”
“Working so hard just to lose it all?”
It was true. Even though there was auto-save, it wasn’t in my right mind to forget to save. After properly saving the file and shutting down, I looked up and felt her gaze. When I looked up, my supervisor was staring at me.
“Is everything okay?”
She lowered her voice so it wouldn’t be heard beyond the partition.
“You’re going on a trip, right? Nothing else going on?”
“…Yes?”
“Lately, your condition hasn’t been good. Suddenly going on a trip, that’s strange enough, and you’ve been looking uneasy today too. Is there something bothering you?”
My supervisor’s brown eyes were serious. The late afternoon department was bright, and Han Team Leader’s seat was empty. Beyond that, the sky was a clean blue. It was a scene of weekday life a couple of hours before quitting time.
Only then did panic and fear swell up in my chest. The clear thoughts blurred in an instant. Was this really a good idea? Had I only thought about myself and not considered his position? Perhaps my impulsive actions could be unsettling and burdensome for him. Even though my promise to come was not very convincing, maybe I hadn’t expressed enough concern for him.
He was there to work, and it was the end of his business trip, so he must be tired. I might have been imposing on him with my selfishness. Thinking it was unlike me, I suddenly felt uncontrollably scared.
“Uh… I somehow…”
I managed to open my mouth while looking at my supervisor’s face.
“I feel like I caused… an accident. I’m not sure.”
“What kind of accident? Work-related?”
“No, it’s not that. Just… I ended up deciding something on my own, and now that I think about it, it seems a bit selfish…”
To my supervisor, it probably sounded like nonsense. I shut my mouth for fear of saying something I shouldn’t. After hesitating, my supervisor asked,
“Is it something that’s really a big problem? Like hurting someone or being illegal?”
“…No, it’s not like that.”
“Then it’s fine, right? If it’s not something that requires going to the hospital or the police station, it’s not really an accident.”
In the midst of my supervisor’s clear reasoning, my mind calmed down a bit. The fear and excitement that had been crawling on my skin like goosebumps settled down a bit and turned into a heavy lump in my stomach.
Canceling now would be a bigger accident. Even if I apologized to him later, I had no choice but to go ahead with what I had done.
“Well then… I’ll go. I’m sorry.”
“We’ll talk more when you get back. Have a good weekend!”
“Yes, have a good weekend too, Supervisor.”
I waved to my supervisor and briefly greeted the remaining team members. With my suitcase stored in the utility room and my backpack on, I left the company gate feeling still somewhat dazed. It was a quiet time with the hot sun gradually subsiding.
I checked the time on my phone and hastened my steps. At the bus stop not far from the company, there was a airport bus schedule that I had never paid attention to before, and a small electronic board displaying the arrival time of the bus.
As I stood blankly against the wall at the bus stop, three more people carrying large suitcases appeared. One couple was dressed similarly, and the other was a man wearing sunglasses. A couple sat next to me, chatting casually. Occasionally, words like “transportation pass” or “currency exchange” could be heard. It was the calm and soothing atmosphere of people familiar with travel.
I recalled the trip planned with Han Team Leader during Chuseok. He suggested lightly traveling to Europe since it’s a long Chuseok holiday. It was planned to be the first time using the passport I had prepared in advance and the suitcase we bought together.
At that time, even though it was a foreign airport and a foreign country, I thought it would be okay since I would be with him. Who could have known that I would worry about which terminal of the airport to get off at alone, or whether the bag was the correct size. When the unfamiliar experience poured down like a downpour, I felt like a child again.
The bus arrived on time without exceeding the scheduled time. The sparsely populated interior smelled like high-quality leather, and the seats with armrests were spacious. As I pulled back the accordion-like curtains, the bus stop where I had just been, gradually moved away.
While the bus was moving, I carefully read the internet page I had saved again. There were many kind people who even posted pictures of the inside of the airport. Check-in, and currency exchange. As I reconfirmed my itinerary, my phone vibrated. My stomach fluttered familiarly.
[How far are you now?]
It was a little past midnight where he was now. I pondered for a moment while looking at the screen.
[I’m on the airport bus.]
I put on a smiling face, feeling like my mood was reflected in the stiff sentence. The smiling face on the screen that popped up made me feel ambiguous.
[Is the Team Leader going to sleep now?]
[I’m still outside.]
A reply came back immediately.
[Did you have a company dinner?]
[I was at the office. I wanted to finish some work before Lee Seodan arrived.]
At his words, I felt tangled up in guilt once again, even in the comfortable bus where the temperature was just right.
[Contact me before boarding the plane. And if you need any help at the airport, let me know.]
[Yes, don’t worry.]
I reassured him, gathering even non-existent confidence to put him at ease. If he woke up to hear that I had safely boarded the plane, it would be a big relief.
After bidding him goodnight and turning off my phone screen, the bus was crossing a large bridge. The conversations from the back had ceased, perhaps because everyone had fallen asleep.
I stared out the window until the bus arrived at the airport. The unfamiliar road already felt wide and cool, as if I wasn’t in Korea anymore. The sky seemed higher.
***
The airport was much larger than I had imagined, but it was easy to find the check-in counter. Many people were already queuing up in the narrow lanes cordoned off like in an amusement park.
Seeing rows of people with large suitcases and passports in hand gave me a sense of relief that at least I had found the airport correctly. Were they all on the same flight as me? I saw a few foreigners and heard people speaking in English.
The most anxious moment was when I handed my passport and e-ticket to the gate agent and waited. I felt like the agent might immediately say there was a problem with my passport or that the ticket was wrong. Perhaps the flight date was incorrect, or unfortunately, the flight had been canceled. If that happened, I couldn’t decide whether to be disappointed or relieved.
But the agent smiled and handed the ticket back to me.
“We have one window seat left, is that okay? Boarding time is at 7:10, please check the gate number. Do you have any additional baggage to check?”
“Yes, I’ll carry this suitcase on board…”
“Please make sure there are no prohibited items in your carry-on and that your hand luggage is limited to one bag.”
Her kind gaze was on my backpack.
“I think this will fit in the suitcase.”
“Then have a pleasant flight.”
With my passport returned with the ticket inserted, I bowed my head in a daze, thanked her, and quickly left the check-in counter with my suitcase. Now that I had the ticket, I couldn’t back out of boarding the plane. It was absurd that I was at the airport now, but it was already done.
As I looked up at the pitch-black high ceiling, the sinking feeling slowly, cautiously rose. The bustling atmosphere of people embarking on their own journeys seemed contagious in this space.
Then my phone vibrated in my pocket. This time it was a call.
– Have you checked in?
“Yes, I just did and got the ticket. …Team Leader, why aren’t you sleeping?”
– …Because I’m worried.
He answered honestly. Even in my current somewhat flustered mood, his answer made me smile.
“I’ll be fine, so please get some rest.”
– …Since when have you been fine on your own?
“Since before meeting you, Team Leader.”
I heard him laugh as if surprised.
– Did you eat?
“Well… don’t they serve meals on the plane?”
– They don’t serve them immediately. You should eat something light if you have time, so you won’t feel sick from motion sickness.
The slightly muffled voice sounded nice in the night. I fidgeted while listening with the phone pressed to my ear. I saw a donut franchise and a café.
“Yes, I will. Please get some rest, Team Leader.”
– …Don’t just fill up with bread or something.
“…Shall I call you when I arrive?”
– Sure, or I’ll be at the airport soon anyway. If you can’t find me after calculating the time, just call me.
I wanted to ask how I would find him in the vast airport, but I closed my mouth. For now, it was urgent to reassure him and put him to sleep.
“Yes, I will. Now please get some rest.”
– Do you feel confident about finding the gate?
“Yes.”
– Alright then… have a safe trip. See you here.
“See you tomorrow.”
As I hung up, the rushing feeling subsided a bit, and the earlier anxiety crept back in. It seemed like I would continue to oscillate until I met him.
I exchanged some money. The stack of US bills I exchanged for my three-day trip seemed a bit too much, and they all looked similar, making it hard to tell the denominations without checking the numbers.
Activating roaming was smooth as well. The counters with the logos of telecommunication companies were easily visible from afar.
I browsed through the dining area and bought a bowl of udon and a donut. Strangely, I also bought an expensive coffee and wandered around before finding the departure gate. It felt like every crowd in the airport was converging here. The line was long, and I saw people waving goodbye or standing alone in front of the departure gate for a long time. Now that I thought about it, the air in the airport felt thick and heavy with the traces of various emotions from people. It was only natural for the ceiling to be high.
I thought the gate would be right after passing through the departure gate, so I was a bit surprised.
The departure inspection line was longer than expected, and it took a while. I followed what others were doing, placing my luggage on the conveyor belt and passing through the plastic frame-like door.
I felt rushed while waiting in line, but once I cleared the departure inspection, there was still thirty minutes left.
I browsed through the duty-free shops. I sniffed perfumes sprayed on thin paper, and checked the prices of hefty liquor bottles I had no interest in tasting. It reminded me of the liquor and wine displayed in Han Team Leader’s living room. Packs of cigarettes looked cheap, but since he had been reducing smoking lately, I just looked without buying.
In the end, I bought a book to read on the plane and a bag of chocolates.
The airport was larger than I had anticipated, and the boarding gate was far away. I, who had imagined at most a train station and was taking it easy, still got lost even after following the numbers written on the sign.
When I finally arrived after a while of running, a long line had already formed, and there were several flight attendants at the small counter.
“Ladies and gentlemen…”
After double-checking the gate number and standing at the end of the line in a daze, the announcement started as if it had waited for me.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin boarding shortly. Passengers traveling with children or those needing special assistance, please board first…”
People filed through the narrow passage of the boarding gate one by one.
I fumbled with my phone with breathless anticipation. My feelings conflicted between not wanting to wake him up and wanting to send him a message before turning it off.
As I received back my passport and half of the ticket from the flight attendant and walked through the tunnel, waited for people to stow their bags in the overhead compartments, and settled into my seat by the window, the dilemma persisted.
As I looked out through the rounded corner window at one side of the plane and the vast runway below, the sky had already been tinted purple. The plane trembled as if it were about to depart at any moment. It wasn’t a joyride, and now, I couldn’t just back out.
With trembling hands dulled by the soaring fear, I pressed the conversation room with him on my phone. With trembling fingertips, I typed on the keypad.
[Team Leader.]
[I love you.]
And then I turned off my phone and closed my eyes tightly. Even as the heavy body of the plane slowly accelerated on the runway, gaining speed until finally taking off, I didn’t move a muscle.
It was a smooth takeoff. When I finally opened my eyes, the plane was already flying high above, and beneath me was a sunset scene more beautiful and surreal than any I had ever seen before.
***
On that night, inside the airplane crossing the sea, I had a strange dream. Perhaps it was influenced by the dream he had talked about recently.
In the dream, I was a first-year high school student before everything happened. It didn’t happen in reality, but in the dream, the school planned a special program and organized a college tour. The bus, filled with top-performing students, including a guide, toured around prestigious universities in Seoul. It was a dream with a strange sense of reality and its own logical consistency.
Even though it wasn’t vacation, it was winter. We walked around the vast campus in lined-up rows, wearing hoodies with fur hoods flipped inside out and thick boots. The guide unnecessarily introduced buildings with names already written on them.
“This is the administration building, and over here is the central library. If you go this way, you’ll find the student union.”
Am so proud of him, he took the initiative…