Warnings
Blaming for a loved ones death/suicide, brutal depictions of grief, family emotional and physical abuse, ANGST~
Please remember to always stick to whats comfortable for you, readers! I include catch up summaries at the beginning of following chapters so you can skip if the angst ever becomes too heavy or triggering.
Lu Qinyi had won, for the time being. His old clothes had been returned to him as they left to begin their journey to the Southern Territory.
Right before this, there had been an argument. Lu Qinyi had intended to travel alone to visit his family.
Yang Xun and Zhao Mei once more had their own investigating to do, especially since Zhao Mei felt she may have found a possible lead for more information regarding the whereabouts of her missing husband and child. Her in-laws had been located. They were the people most likely to have last seen her husband. But they were at a town in the opposite direction and an additional a couple weeks worth of travel from the place Lu Qinyi’s family had been found.
As Lu Qinyi’s patron, or more accurately his owner and warden, Fei Li no longer restricted him since Lu Qinyi’s mental state seemed to have stabilised. However, although Lu Qinyi was not under constant observation anymore, it did not make Zhao Mei or Yang Xun any more comfortable with their predicament. While it wasn’t safe for them to travel with reputations like theirs, it wasn’t feasible for them to travel together either.
Yang Xun was to travel with her for this reason, but even with one of Fei Li’s guards assigned to Lu Qinyi, the cautious Zhao Mei wasn’t satisfied.
“It isn’t a good idea.” She repeated for the fourth time.
Lu Qinyi only sighed lightly and offered a slight smile to try to give her some reassurance. “Come now, Mei Mei. I’m only going to visit my parents. What could possibly go wrong? You’ve met them once before. They’re as harmless as it comes. It’s some no name place. Nothing will happen.”
Zhao Mei narrowed her eyes, refusing to be comforted by Lu Qinyi’s words. “And how are you so sure? Are you that confident? Do you even remember how famous you were? Do you truly think just because it’s improbable that you’ll be recognised that it’s impossible for something to happen? Are you naive?”
“Mei Mei, really you worry too much. It’s fine.”
Zhao Mei humphed at him, still displeased.
Just as Lu Qinyi was rubbing at his eye in exasperation while trying to think of a way to convince her, the silently observing Fei Li spoke up. “What if I go with him then?”
All eyes in the room had turned to Fei Li. Even Yang Xun, who had simply been watching helplessly as the other two went back and forth, looked to the Northern general since he was just clueless as to how to solve this dilemma.
“I mentioned before that I have work to do in the South. Beyond needing information about the rebellion, I’m still responsible for integration efforts between the territories. There are some places I need to visit, but I can accompany Lu Qinyi to his destination with some adjustments. It will take an extra 3 days for the trip however.”
“…It isn’t a bad idea. Is there anyone more capable of ensuring Lu Qinyi’s safety than General Fei?” Yang Xun commented as he looked towards Zhao Mei.
Zhao Mei seemed to ponder it. “No. There isn’t. It isn’t possible for anyone but the Emperor and perhaps a handful of advisors to argue with someone of General Fei’s status.”
They turned to Lu Qinyi.
Lu Qinyi shrugged carelessly. “Why should I care? He’s paying for the trip anyway. If I get to see my parents then why should I care about the details?”
And so that was how they ended up in their current circumstances, with Fei Li travelling at Lu Qinyi’s side.
Lu Qinyi made his own entertainment for the trip by seeking out ways to annoy Fei Li. Fei Li was naturally quite a passive and calm person. It was actually somewhat difficult to find ways to irritate him. But it seemed Lu Qinyi was determined to find all of them. Despite this, Lu Qinyi made for surprisingly good company on long distance trips as he was a chatty person when he wanted to be. The times Lu Qinyi felt like talking with Fei Li, he never seemed to run out of conversation topics. And the times Lu Qinyi wanted for there to be comfortable silence, there was that too.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
While Fei Li attended to work, Lu Qinyi simply strolled through the villages and the occasional town they visited wearing either a straw hat or a hood to conceal himself.
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Lu Qinyi gave a grateful nod of his head. This way, he had the privacy to see his family alone. And he could go immediately!
He really didn’t waste any time, immediately turning on his heel to begin his search for his parents’ new residence. Fei Li watched as he left before heading inside.
Lu Qinyi stared at the letters marked into the sign at the entrance. ‘Lai’.
Lu Qinyi wanted to be thorough with his preparations, and so he had prepared new identities for his family long ago. He had chosen the family name ‘Lai’ as it meant ‘to rely on’. It had been a bit of a joke when he had chosen it, as to be without Lai was to be undependable, a scoundrel. Despite his precautions, Lu Qinyi had never truly thought he would lose the war. But here he was, an undependable scoundrel. He didn’t know how he would face his parents, but where else did he have that would welcome him now? Where else could he return to if not to his family? Lu Yanlin had left him, but their parents were still alive and well.
He took a breath in and pushed open the wooden gate to the courtyard. It was a simple home, much simpler than the impressive mansion the Lu family used to have. But it was comfortable.
As he walked further in, Qin Lihua, Lu Qinyi’s mother, was the first one he saw. She was bent over a pail of water, rinsing vegetables. Her hands that had never seen a day of labour were covered in little cuts and abrasions. Her hands were still too new to farm work to have calloused to prevent such a thing. He was so startled by the sight that he only stood and stared until she raised her head, a messy tangle of curls framing a face so similar to his. His father, Lu Cheng, stood beside her with a small knife for cooking held in his hand and hard lines between his brows from many nights of worry.
Lu Qinyi quickly bowed deeply to them both. “Mother. Father.”
How else was he meant to greet them after all this time? He didn’t know.
“Siyu…? Is that really you? How- How could it be? How… could you be here? How could you come here after all you’ve done?” Qin Lihua’s voice had begun as one of disbelief, but it gradually turned darker and darker.
Lu Qinyi was shocked by the unfamiliar tone from his gentle mother who had always had a clear, delicate voice, like that of chimes stirred by a breeze. So much so that he unmeaningly raised his head.
He quickly wished he hadn’t.
His mother’s face had begun twisting with loathing, grief and anger. So much anger. Her hands shook so much that the vegetable she had been holding fell into the pail at her feet. It splashed water all over her skirts, but she didn’t even seem to notice.
“How could you when Mingyu, oh my sweet Mingyu, she’s dead because of you! Why is it you are still standing here alive when she is dead!” His mother cried out angrily and Lu Qinyi felt like the air had been strangled out of him.
He couldn’t breathe anymore, but Qin Lihua had only just begun. Her words flowed out in a grief-induced craze.
“How many times did we tell you to give up on being a general? Now you’ve brought our whole family to ruin, no, our whole country! How could you?” Her chest had begun to heave and distorted sobs rose up. Lu Cheng threw aside the knife in favour of wrapping his arms around his distressed wife. But even as he held her, he cast a cold, disapproving glare at his son.
No, no. This is all wrong. This can’t be real.
These couldn’t be his parents. This couldn’t really be happening. His parents would never look at him with such hate. They had always welcomed him back into their embrace, no matter what trouble he had caused or how great a mess he had made. No matter how great a mistake he made, they would only laugh it off and comment how helpless they were to have such a troublesome son. But they always loved him. They would always love him. He had thought they would always love him.
He stood, degraded to nothing more than a young child who stood before his parents, terrified they would abandon him after he had done something wrong.
But he wasn’t a child.
What he had done wasn’t something so small as to stain his most expensive clothes or to steal a red bean bun meant to be given as an offering to his ancestors later that day.
And it wasn’t some child’s silly, exaggerated fear. The hate in his parents’ eyes was real.
This was all real.
He didn’t want to believe it. He might not have, had he not felt the sting from his mother’s slap across his cheek. She had wretched herself free from her husband’s arms, consumed in her overwhelming emotions. The slap hadn’t been very hard. Who knew if it was because his mother didn’t possess much strength, or because she couldn’t truly bear to harm her own child.
But it was enough to ground Lu Qinyi. His vision that had begun to blur over and distort the world around him suddenly became clear again. He looked up at his parents with a despairing look, his expression as fragile as he was in that moment.
His mother only wailed. A gut wrenching, painful sound to hear. She might have collapsed to the ground if his father hadn’t come over to hold her again. His eyes also held a deep pain, but his voice was cuttingly clear as he spoke. “You’re no son of ours. Not anymore. You’re not welcome here.”
Lu Qinyi finally reacted. He lowered himself to his knees in the dirt, hitting his forehead to the ground in the deepest kowtow possible.
“This son has been unfilial and has failed his family. I’m sorry.” He heard the sound of his own voice, so he must have spoken the words, but he didn’t recall when he had opened his mouth to say them. He also didn’t remember when he had dragged himself up from the ground and turned to leave, but he must have as the next thing he recalled was Fei Li touching his shoulder.
“Lu?”
He didn’t know how long he had been wandering the streets for Fei Li to have decided to go look for him.
“Hm? What is it?” Lu Qinyi replied, looking around them to try and work out where they were. But he wasn’t sure, he didn’t recognise it.
“…I was asking what you were doing here, but you weren’t responding.” Fei Li said at last, his brows knitted slightly as he stared at Lu Qinyi who seemed… off. He seemed like he’d seen a ghost. Or become one with the way he had been wandering the streets listlessly.
“I was just looking around.” Lu Qinyi replied with a shrug.
Something still didn’t feel right. Fei Li frowned faintly. “Did you find your parents?”
“Yes. I’ve seen them already.”
“…”
“…”
Fei Li was at a loss for what to do. Lu Qinyi didn’t say anything else, he just stared at him with a strangely blank expression.
“…Then, do you want to go back to the inn? It should be about time for dinner.”
“Oh. I see. Yeah. Let’s do that.”
“…”
“…”
Fei Li turned in the direction of the inn, and Lu Qinyi followed a pace or two behind.
“You talked of being willing to pay me for assisting you against the rebellion. I had said I had no use or desire for the money back then.”
“You did.”
“I want to change my decision.”
“You want your earnings to go to your family now you’ve found them?” Fei Li guessed.
“Yes.”
“Alright. I’ll work out what you are owed up to this point. However, only if you agree to take a small portion of it. You can buy your own meals instead of having me do it all the time.”
“Okay.”
Silence fell again. Lu Qinyi didn’t talk after that, not during the walk to the inn, and not after they had sat down at the table. He seemed lost in his own thoughts. Fei Li had to prompt him to remind him he needed to order the meal he wanted.
“Anything is fine.”
“…” So he wanted Fei Li to order something for him? He had been acting very strange. Fei Li wondered if he should ask about it, but he felt that whatever it was wasn’t anything good. Lu Qinyi wouldn’t want to talk about anything bothering him. Lu Qinyi didn’t even talk to Zhao Mei, or even Yang Xun about things that bothered him. In the end, he just ordered their meals.
When they were placed down in front of them, Lu Qinyi picked up his chopsticks. He stared down at the broth in the bowl before him. Its surface still rippled from the recent movement, lapping softly against the surface of the vegetable and noodles contained within. Why hadn’t he killed him? Wouldn’t everything have been fine if he had killed him back then? What if he killed him now?
Lu Qinyi thought about it.
He knew that Fei Li regularly lowered his guard around him now and had been getting accustomed to his presence since they had begun working together. He would have the advantage should he attack Fei Li.
He looked at the chopsticks in his hand with glazed eyes. They weren’t the best weapon, but if he could pierce it through Fei Li’s neck, then… His grip tightened on the chopsticks. He could feel Fei Li’s questioning gaze on him as Lu Qinyi hadn’t moved in some time now. Yet just like the last time he had thought about ending Fei Li’s life, the killing intent drained back out again and his grip loosened. He hated Fei Li. Some days he hated him more than others. But when it came down to it, he could blame Fei Li, but he didn’t. Not truly. He blamed himself.
He hated Fei Li, but he hated himself more.
“I’m not hungry.” He placed the chopsticks down on the table and stood up to leave.
Fei Li frowned as Lu Qinyi walked away. He had been certain before that something had happened, now he was without a doubt.
Author’s Note:
This author is both sorry and not sorry for the pain inflicted. I really do bully LQ, poor guy. Lucky he has FL by his side to look out for him. Its okay, LQ has a good surprise coming up soon to make up for it. And I’ll get to introduce a new character I’m very excited about!
Please enjoy the chapter, I should be back next week with another one! I’ve had some of the upcoming scenes waiting in my notes for a long time, its really excited to finally reach them. And the next arc is going to be a funny one, I’m looking forward to seeing what you guys think of it.
Take care and have a good week everyone!
I know how much we complain about cliche but I honestly wanted something cliche to happen right now. Like FL jumping through the window and holding LQ when he was broken down. Urgh. So painful. Honestly, I wanted LQ to cry in the beginning but even I’ve softened a bit. Though I’d like to blame LQ himself for his own doom but he has been suffering for his mistakes a lot. There’s no way to hate FL though, absolutely no way. 😮💨
Thanks for the update!
FL can have his cliche moment next chapter~
But omg the way I laughed when I first read this comment, just imagining him burst through a window to scoop up LQ.
Yeah, they’re all guilty but they also all know their guilt and pay the price. Thats why they’ll get their happy ending at the end of it all
I’m late!!! It’s sad that this is how his parents would choose to react, you’d think they’d appreciate him being alive since their other child is gone, but why am I not surprised that they ended up behaving like this 🙄 thank goodness the next chapter is up, thanks author!