Autumn had taken a step back to usher in the bleak winter season, and the year would be over in just a few days. The cold wind parched his cheeks.
「Where are you?」
He felt hesitant to reply due to the coldness he felt from the short, three-worded text. Because Ha Joyoon did not accept his calls in the morning, Shin Kwonjoo used messages to pester him instead. He had a feeling that Shin Kwonjoo was willing to get a reply from him by any means. A series of messages popped up on the screen and Ha Joyoon could tell that the other man was angry by now, given that he hated having to wait.
「Ha Joyoon.」
There was obvious anger imbued in each letter of his name. After hesitating for a moment, Ha Joyoon sighed and put the phone in his bag. He didn’t know what to reply with, and he wasn’t confident in being able to respond to Shin Kwonjoo’s unfiltered sharp reaction.
What should he do?
The question without an answer had been floating in his head several times now. Just thinking about Shin Kwonjoo’s face started an uncomfortable feeling that made his chest tighten.
The previous weeks had continued with him secretly receiving medical and rehabilitation treatment while trying to avoid Shin Kwonjoo, who was insistent on them visiting the hospital together. After their meeting with Waiton’s editor-in-chief, their relationship had changed in different ways. They had sex when one of them asked but that was it. They no longer spent the night together at the officetel and neither did they ask each other anything regarding their private lives. It was a decision made so that they wouldn’t get involved in eachother’s lives or cross a line in their relationship.
There was no way such a sharp man wouldn’t pick up the little changes in his attitude. Perhaps thinking that it would be strange to react to it, Shin Kwonjoo would get annoyed by petty things and Ha Joyoon would only respond with silence. He knew that he was only avoiding it but he was now aware that the cold consideration and kindness that Shin Kwonjoo showed him from time to time was on the verge of becoming poison to him.
It might’ve been because the muscle rehabilitation treatment was more excessive than usual, he rubbed his throbbing shoulders as he walked to the main gate of the hospital where the taxi stand was located. Lim Dohyun’s worried gaze stayed with him even after he left the office, but soon blew far away along with the autumn wind.
With the combination of the cool breeze and the midday sun that warmed the asphalt road as his light steps treaded on it, he thought it was a shame that autumn was coming to an end. Since he was free for the entire day, he had time to spare and could enjoy the beautiful scenery a little bit. Forgetting about his ringing cell phone for a while.
Honk-Hoonk–
He heard the sound of a car horn from afar. Even though it was long past starting work hours, the road in the distance was filled with cars. The cars filled the narrow road and moved at a speed slower than a walk, reminding him of an escape route. Was there an event going on? On days like these, one could end up spending hours in a taxi without moving.
Ha Joyoon thought for a while and soon remembered that there was a Han River park nearby, easily changing his direction. After lying on the grass and basking in the sunrays, it felt like his heart that had been eroded to the bottom, could soon also take on the color of the green leaves– such foolish thoughts floated in his head.
He was in the middle of an odd emotional state where both heaviness and lightness coexisted. The wavering atmosphere was swept up by the cold air currents in a second and disappeared without a trace. His steps, which were somewhat lighter than usual, stiffened and couldn’t move, just like an animal who had met its enemy.
…He always consciously went out the back gate so he hadn’t seen him in a while. It was his mistake for acting habitually without paying attention. He forgot that Kang Taejung’s office was near the hospital. Ha Joyoon stood upright and stared at a large building just a few meters away without saying anything.
The 8th floor, no, 9th floor. No, it might be a completely different floor since he could’ve been moved to another department after 5 years. Simply relying on his last memory, he assumed that Kang Taejung was somewhere but there was no exact fact to support his claim.
‘Taejung’s life was a mess while he was looking for you. To the point where he couldn’t properly go to work… His work attendance was irregular and he couldn’t concentrate at work either. He was a new employee and acting that way got him on the verge of being fired but he was eventually demoted to a local branch. It’s been less than year since he came back…’
He remembered the words Ha Junghye said to him while he had been thrown into despair, about how Kang Taejung had done his best. He also remembered Kang Taejung’s happiness when he had gotten accepted into the large company he wanted after graduation. After hearing his sister’s words, he realized he had been lost in his own sadness and pain that he only saw the time Kang Taejung endured alone as mere words. Drunk in his own pain and sadness, he never wondered how the past 5 years had been for Kang Taejung, or what it must’ve been like to be as messed up as Kang Taejung had been. At that time, Kang Taejung was not some invincible Superman, but a young man in his 20s who experienced the loss of a lover.
I was really foolish and selfish. Ignoring your own pain, I closed my eyes and ears, and only focused on mine.
And by taking care of your pain and moving ahead, you probably realized once more that I wasn’t the right one for you.
We walked on different paths and had different views. Different opinions and different values yet, we refused to recognize their differences. We covered each other’s eyes, attached to and tied each other down without realizing it had become poisonous to us. As beautiful as it was, each day was quite foolish.
As if he was melting into the scenery of the street, Ha Joyoon stood still and watched Kang Taejung’s company building for a while, using that time to organize his thoughts as he let out a light breath. With a hazy breath, even the memories that were as heavy and tiresome as death, soon changed their weight and shape little by little. Just as always, just as everyone else did.
The cold wind danced around his cheeks and neck. Thinking that he should take out thicker clothes for next week, Ha Joyoon quickly stroked his cool face with a light touch.
Just as he turned around again to find a quicker path.
“…Ngh.”
An unpleasant feeling rose up from his gut. There was this stodgy feeling that made him nauseated but he knew from experience that nothing would come out even if he tried to puke.
The recently changed drug may have been very effective but there were several other side effects, fever and nausea being the most frequent. At the feeling rising up from his stomach once more, Ha Joyoon sat down on the sidewalk and covered his mouth with one hand. In an instant, color disappeared from his face and cold sweat formed over his forehead.
“Huu… Hu.”
Still covering his mouth, Ha Joyoon repeatedly breathed in and out for a long time, just like Lim Dohyun had told him to. Huu– Hu. The sound of his weak breaths scattered over the path that no one was taking. His tightly shut eyes trembled. As time went by, he could feel his strength decreasing but he tried to forget the pain by clenching and unclenching his ice-cold fingertips a few times.
For now, he needed to catch a taxi and go home… home. He opened his eyes again, dizziness took over his vision. That wasn’t a good sign. The moment he opened his blurred eyes again thinking that he had to lie down somewhere, a strong hold grabbed onto his wrist and lifted half of his body up.
“…Huh?”
“Are you alright?”
Surprised by the person in front of him, Ha Joyoon blankly fixed his gaze on him, forgetting the nausea that had been bothering him just before.
The man breathing roughly with his upper body bent was someone Ha Joyoon knew well. His soft, black hair was all over the place. His outfit was a mess and there were drops of sweat on his forehead. He had probably just ran a long distance. But he still had his usual gentle and neat appearance, and he could easily catch people’s attention.
The large hand on his knee was one of his favorite body parts on Kang Taejung. Ha Joyoon really liked Taejung’s hand as it covered his cheeks and held his hand, containing all his emotions with each grip. The scenes from the past were like old movie films and they began to fill the gaps in his heart that had become complicatedly tattered.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“Qtja’r kgbcu? Gb sbe cba offi kfii?”
“…”
“Tbe… Qts lr sbeg ojmf rb qjif?”
Obbxlcu delfais ja Bjcu Kjfpecu, rtbga bo ygfjat jcv mjiilcu tlr cjwf, Lj Absbbc mbeivc’a tfiq yea atlcx atja ojaf kjr delaf mgefi. Lf tjv atbeuta la tjv ojvfv jkjs yea tlr tfjga kjr ralii wfa klat atf rjwf tega jcv qjlc.
He didn’t know that there was a magnet-like force between people. Even if one tried to run away, the connected loop would somehow continue again, and even if they did run away, they’d end up back in the starting point before they even realized it. Just by facing each other, the cluster of unspeakable memories and longing were poured out. He couldn’t bring himself to say familiar greetings of ‘You don’t look good, either,’ ‘Are you sick?’
He should’ve moved to the hospital but he didn’t want to bring it up because he felt sorry to Lim Dohyun who was worried about him. He only felt regret now that he kept quiet. As if he had noticed Ha Joyoon’s complicated inner thoughts, Kang Taejung also raised his upper body, breathing heavily with an uncomfortable expression. His expression was filled with concern for the other.
“I thought I saw you from afar and you didn’t look so great…”
The blank stare at him made Kang Taejung add words as if he was making an excuse.
It had only been a short distance but his heart was pounding as if it would explode because he had run over at full speed. The palpitations took over his entire body and did not seem like they’d stop anytime soon.
While returning to the office after field work, he found Ha Joyoon walking out of the back gate of the hospital. At first, he thought he had seen wrong, but there was no way he wouldn’t recognize Ha Joyoon. And when Kang Taejung saw him sitting on the side of the road soon after, he didn’t think of anything else and ran over.
Hospital and Ha Joyoon,
Dizziness overwhelmed him. As if some programming within his genes had been activated, Kang Taejung rushed forward. Faster, just a bit faster. No other thought crossed his mind.
Only after he finally managed to halt his steps did Kang Taejung meet Ha Joyoon’s gaze looking at him with eyes that had lost their fiery intensity.
“Are you okay? You’re sweating alot.”
“…”
“Let’s go to the hospital. Can you get up?”
“…”
“Hm?”
Frustration began to bubble up as he continuously got no reply. His inquiring voice trembled on its own. After a moment, a somewhat cold hand touched his wrist.
“I’m fine.”
He added strength to his pale hand. Kang Taejung’s dark eyes shook significantly like meteors colliding as they looked down at the hand that mechanically pushed his own away. Oblivious to Kang Taejung’s expression, Ha Joyoon took a step back and pressed a hand to his forehead, feeling the throbbing pain come back. E-hem… He cleared his throat for a moment before speaking. He had an awkward expression on his face as he made an effort to seem composed.
“Um… I didn’t come here for you.”
As his body moved away, Kang Taejung’s hand, which he unconsciously reached out, came to a halt. Unable to understand the unfamiliar words, Kang Taejung responded with a hushed voice.
“What?”
Step. Ha Joyoon distanced himself further with one more step, finally meeting his gaze with his hand clasped behind his back. His eyes resembling autumn, stared at Kang Taejung quietly. After a moment of hesitation and bowing his head slightly, Ha Joyoon soon spoke in a calm voice.
“I didn’t come to visit you at work. The hospital I go to is in the area.”
“…Yoon-ah.”
“I’ve been going here for a few months now. So, don’t misunderstand things. I won’t do anything that’ll be a bother to you…”
“What are you talking about? Why are you saying that?”
He laughed waveringly. He was so close to the point where it was oddly painful, but Kang Taejung could not know the reason for such an emotion. It was as if the hand that Ha Joyoon had torn away had been gruesomely ripped out. The ripping sensation felt too real. His heart that kept crumbling was tormenting. As if the suffocating air was unfamiliar, Ha Joyoon took a few more steps backward.
“You find it bothersome to have me coming to look for you.”
“…”
“So I didn’t want you to misunderstand…”
He avoided him several times. Ha Joyoon’s attempts to contact him to talk or visit his workplace felt burdensome and difficult to face, so he turned them away. The cowardice in him was evident, as he lacked the courage to look Ha Joyoon in the face and speak directly about ending their relationship. There was no way Ha Joyoon didn’t notice the hostility he openly displayed. What had he told him then? Memories from just a few months ago felt as distant and as murky as something from years past. It felt stifling and suffocating, as if someone had forcefully erased them.
“I’m really sorry for what happened back then.”
“…”
“I didn’t know what to do. I knew it would be an inconvenience to you but I wanted to see your face and talk to you… And it ended up being the worst choice I could’ve possibly made. I could tell you hated it and found it troublesome but I couldn’t stop.”
“Yoon-ah.”
“I’m really sorry…”
As he watched the apologies continue, Kang Taejung’s face gradually frowned and eventually crumpled completely. He could hardly imagine what his current expression looked like. Kang Taejung didn’t know how to accept the sight of Ha Joyoon so as to explain himself desperately, afraid that he would misunderstand.
Memories and reminiscent times he had ruthlessly discarded and severed with his own hands, for the sake of his survival. He knew very well that he had no right to feel resentful. However, his body was beyond his control and moved on its own accord without reason. Not even realizing the uneasiness and fear reflected in Ha Joyoon’s pupils, he approached him in a single step.
“Yoon-ah, it’s not like that…”
Brrrr——
Before they could continue their talk, the unsuspecting sound of vibration broke the silence between them. Ha Joyoon, who was absent minded, was surprised by the loud vibration in his bag and took out his cell phone. But his face grew darker when he saw the name on his flickering screen.
Ha Joyoon looked at both his vibrating cell phone and the frozen Kang Taejung for a while, soon sighed lightly and pressed the call button to connect with the caller.
– You weren’t picking up.
Ha Joyoon unwittingly shrunk due to the impatient voice, as if Shin Kwonjoo was next to him. His ears tingled. He could tell the other was angry because he kept ignoring his calls. Forgetting the presence of the person in front of him at that moment, Ha Joyoon hurriedly replied,
“Sunbae.”
– What are you doing? Didn’t you say you’d contact me before going to the hospital today?
“That’s not it…”
An emotionally suppressed voice leaked through the receiver. Ha Joyoon clutched his phone tighter, feeling the annoyance in the other’s voice. Their dangerously linked relationship was like a thread just about to be cut off. He didn’t know this conversation was one Shin Kwonjoo had been looking for an opportunity to have. The silence grew longer from the hesitation of not knowing what to do and Shin Kwonjoo soon said something unexpected.
-I’m at the hospital.
“What?”
-I confirmed your family’s medical hours, so don’t lie and come down to the central lobby.
“Oh…”
He wanted to respond properly but he couldn’t think of anything. He was at the hospital? Why? Several questions in his head were jumbled up in a mess. If it had come this far, he wouldn’t be able to lie or make excuses anymore. Shin Kwonjoo wouldn’t accept it.
Ha Joyoon turned around in a hurry. It hadn’t been long since he came out, so maybe if he pretended to come out of a different ward… What was the point of ignoring his calls, then…? Shin Kwonjoo would only glower at him even more as time went by. Swiping down his dry cheeks a few times, he continued talking to the man waiting for his reply.
“I’m not done yet. I’m in the middle of my rehabilitation exercises.”
– …
Anyone could tell he was outside from the sound of the cars on the road and the wind, but he just made up whatever excuse he could. There was no way the man listening didn’t know this but he still quietly listened to the obvious lie. Ha Joyoon stopped breathing for a bit and listened to Shin Kwonjoo’s silence. An indescribable strange air flowed between them.
“It’ll be over soon. I’ll go down, see you in the lobby.”
– You’re not just going to avoid me, are you?
The usual relaxed tone was absent in his dark voice. It was like Shin Kwonjoo would be willing to capture Ha Joyoon if he had been in front of him. Ha Joyoon’s expression subtly crumbled as he listened silently. This wasn’t looking good.
“…I won’t.”
His dry lips repeatedly opened and closed, unable to make words.
Why do you have to go so far? Incoherent thoughts lingered in the air. With a pained distortion of his settled gaze, Ha Joyoon Ha Joyoon ended the call with a short reply to wait.
His hurried steps to the hospital paused for a moment. Ah… A short sigh left his mouth. As he turned his head, he was met with Kang Taejung standing a few steps away as he looked confused.
“Oh…”
He let out a weary sigh without realizing. Ha Joyoon also felt embarrassed by the fact that he had forgotten about Kang Taejung’s existence for a while. He was taken aback and quietly covered his mouth, soon making eye contact again with a determined face. Kang Taejung had still been standing there a little while ago, unable to take a step away. Ha Joyoon hesitated for a bit, unable to overcome the awkwardness, and began to speak.
“I need to go back.”
“…Where?”
Kang Taejung immediately added the question. Ha Joyoon did not think he’d get a reply in return, and swallowed without realizing.
“To the hospital.”
“Why?”
It was unfamiliar to see Kang Taejung being so straightforward without detour. From a distance away, Ha Joyoon recalled the Kang Taejung he remembered from these past few months. The Kang Taejung who thought of him as burdensome, wanted to avoid and forget him, wanted to end things and now had a different lover.
When he remembered the Seo Youngwoo he met last month, his heart felt heavy with pain. Although he avoided situations where he had to meet him in person since then, the meeting had still been quite shocking for him. And even now, the uncomfortable feeling had still not disappeared. It was still difficult to imagine the two of them without feeling incongruous. And…
“There’s someone waiting for me. They said they’re here.”
“Oh…”
Speechless, Kang Taejung stared at him with his mouth slightly open. Ha Joyoon smiled bitterly at his appearance. His eyes that used to be full of warmth like the spring breeze, now look really dark and cold. He couldn’t even remember the last time he saw Kang Taejung smiling. However, his thoughts would someday be cut off and worn down by the water and winds of time, gradually changing form and finally becoming smaller. Just like Kang Taejung did during the past 5 years.
Yoon-ah, A quiet voice spoke, almost a whisper.
“If it’s nothing urgent… Could we have a quick talk?”
Even though he said that, Kang Taejung avoided Ha Joyoon’s eyes as if he was embarrassed. Those were his words but he actually didn’t know what to talk about. He only felt his instincts raise an alarm because he wanted to hold on to that person for just this moment. Ha Joyoon smiled briefly at him and checked the time before shaking his head.
“Considering that person’s temperament, I don’t think so…”
Kang Taejung’s eyes looked gloomy at the refusal.
“Do you… visit the hospital often?”
Kang Taejung hesitantly asked again. He sneered at himself for trying to use a petty trick to kill time somehow. Ha Joyoon threw a glance at the ward before shaking his head and replying flatly,
“Just sometimes.”
“I thought you weren’t done with rehabilitation.”
“Yeah. It looks like I’ll need to continue it for a while longer.”
Anxiety soared in Kang Taejung’s heart at the calm reply. It was painful to see Ha Joyoon not taking care of body properly before and now. Why have you not changed? Why are you still the same? Why are you being so negligent? His heart that was worn-out from worry, burned with anger. However, he didn’t know who the fire was directed at. His voice grew loud from his heart blackened by soot.
“What’s wrong with you?!”
A faint question arose from the surface of the cool brown eyes at Kang Taejung’s tone that seemed mixed with anger. The violent tone and frowned expression seemed to be genuinely angry. Ha Joyoon felt unfamiliar with this Kang Taejung who was interested in him and curious about his job. Because he had gotten used to the cold reception from him for the past few months.
Tilting his head sideways, Ha Jo-yoon stared at the other who was staring at me in hurt. Kang Taejung, who had been silent for a long time, opened his mouth again with a firm face.
“Why do you abuse your body? You should be more focused on treatment rather than working.”
“…”
“What if something goes wrong along the way? It won’t be too late if you go back to work after getting better.”
The longer Kang Taejung spoke, the more his voice trembled as it came out in a low tone. Ha Joyoon thought he was mistaken that the other seemed to be worried about him. But he didn’t want to make those kind of mistakes anymore, since he knew they weren’t true. Since he only had memories of him not treating him right and not being able to do things for him, he no longer wanted to be down in the dumps about the past. He didn’t want to expect things, become frustrated and mistreat himself any longer.
Ha Joyoon smiled helplessly and fiddled with his dry hair. An unusually white and pure energy enveloped him. Taejung-ah, Taejung-ah. Ha Joyoon called him in a pained voice and carefully stepped forward, gently patting Kang Taejung’s arm as he was filled with anxiety.
“Taejung -ah… I’m getting through rehabilitation just fine. I take my pills as well. I’m not doing as bad as you think I am. And no, I don’t have a hobby of abusing my body either.”
“Yoon-ah.”
“It just feels strange to hear you say that.”
“…!”
Ha Joyoon’s awkward smile only made Kang Taejung rather impatient. Because he remembered how indifferent he had been to Ha Joyoon’s health because he had only buried himself in the wounds of his heart since their reunion. Thinking about it now, there was no way he’d be completely back to normal. It was a miracle that he even came back.
He didn’t know what expression he was making or what he was saying. He just felt unknown anxiety at Ha Joyoon’s carefree attitude, and his tension did not subside at all.
“Yoon-ah, you…!”
Why does your face look like that? Are you really okay?– That was all he wanted to ask. But Ha Joyoon’s surprised expression as he moved backwards made Kang Taejung’s face frown to the point where it couldn’t frown anymore.
Brrrr——
The sound of vibration started once more as if the previous moment had never happened. Ha Joyoon stood expressionless for a while but then brightened for a second when he checked the caller id. And of course, Kang Taejung didn’t miss the expression that appeared during that split second.
Ha Joyoon seemed to have no intention of picking up the call ringing in his hand but instead, tapped his feet and hurriedly opened his mouth to speak,
“I’m sorry.”
“…”
“I really need to go. They wouldn’t want me to keep them waiting so I need to hurry.”
Without giving Kang Taejung the chance to say a word or hold onto him, Ha Joyoon immediately turned around and left. It had only happened in a second. Yoon-ah. The name he called out with difficulty only disappeared in the wind, unable to be relayed to its owner. Ha Joyoon’s busy footsteps moved away without any hesitation or feelings left and Kang Taejung stood in the same spot in confusion as he watched the other’s back leave.
He had someone waiting for him.
Someone waiting…
He raised his trembling hand and placed it over his tightening stomach. Pain and pressure that made his bones and insides feel like they were being smashed, began to spread across his entire body.
“Ha…”
He let out a rough, humid breath. No matter how much he tried to suck in a breath, he still couldn’t breathe easily. It was the familiar feeling and pain he experienced when he waited 5 years for a lover that wouldn’t come back. Hell. To him, this felt similar to the center of hell’s fire.
All the seme/gong/tops here are missing a few screws in their heads.
Thanks for the chapter ♡♡♡♡♡
Ha Joyoon needs to get rid of both men … So toxic