“Did you finish your trip well?”
“…Yeah.”
Silence settled. My sister cleared her throat, coughing dryly. Her hollow cheeks puffed up. I took out my phone from my pocket, placing it on my thigh and glanced at it. There were no missed calls or messages, the screen remained clean.
I looked up at the sound of her sobbing. My sister was now crying, covering half of her face with the mug.
“Why are you crying again?”
“I really didn’t know that you would hate it so much…”
There was no tissue on the table. I got up and fetched a tissue box from the kitchen, placing it in front of my sister. She took a tissue and blew her nose, wiping away her tears with her fingers.
“Mom suddenly called me last night and said she called you… That’s why I got so angry…”
“Drink more water.”
“I told her I should apologize to you, and Mom said she would do it. Dad said it was right to come, but you weren’t here… Even though I called you, you didn’t pick up, and I had to keep waiting…”
Her words faltered intermittently. Her voice cracked, and she hiccupped.
“I did think about asking you if you had any leftover money to lend me for my study abroad expenses later, but I really didn’t mean to just ask for it. I really… Mom misunderstood.”
“I understand.”
“I told Mom that she also misunderstood and that she should apologize, but when you didn’t show up, she felt too ashamed to face you…”
“Why should Mom be the one feeling ashamed if I’m the one affected?”
“Dad started yelling, asking where you were, saying things like ‘why are you coming out now?’…”
She stopped there and started sobbing again. I closed my eyes. A long shadow wriggled inside my eyelids, like a worm. A pitch-black dizziness overwhelmed me.
“Is that all you wanted to say?”
Everything felt futile. My mother grabbing my arm, her expression.
“Or did you come to ask for money?”
“It’s not like that. I think you misunderstood.”
“I misunderstood? Is that all you wanted to say after coming to my house in the middle of the night without even contacting me, making me look like this in front of my boss? Is that all you wanted to say?”
“…”
“Was it so important to you that you had to involve even Mom and solve it immediately?”
My sister stopped crying and opened her eyes wide. As if she couldn’t understand my reaction, she looked up at me with quivering lips.
And suddenly, I seemed to know. Stepping back as if observing from afar, everything became clear.
Calling because she needed money, coming to my house in the middle of the night without any contact— it all made sense. It was because I had never raised my voice before. Because I couldn’t refuse her final request, because I hesitated and left room for ambiguity.
I had said I was cutting off ties with the family. Yet, I rushed out every time my sister called, skipped studies and part-time jobs just to meet her. When I was in college, I bought her meals when she couldn’t afford them with her part-time job money. I showed her movies and bought earrings from the store next to the station. I thought that’s what any older brother would do, and I felt like I had to do it too.
A relationship of imbalance where I always waited and endured without even being able to express my complaints. That was the role I took on. It was self-imposed treatment. It wasn’t my sister’s fault. There were three remaining family members, and I was the one who left. When my sister went home, she had waiting parents, while I returned to a narrow studio apartment or a dormitory with no one. The only tie left for me was my sister, but it wasn’t the same for her. She had enough even without family or friends, unlike me.
So, whenever she needed something, she looked back at me. She only called me out every time I couldn’t say anything and just waited quietly.
“Whatever you think of me, it’s not that important to me.”
“…Oppa.”
“It must be something for you. It’s not about my feelings. If not, you should have considered my circumstances first. You wouldn’t have come so recklessly if you had even thought about what I’m doing at work lately, why I’m coming in late today.”
“I thought you might want to meet Mom if she came with me…”
“Whether I want to meet her or not, why do you get to decide that? You’re not even the person involved.”
My sister’s eyes were red and swollen. I looked down at my palm spread out on the table.
Perhaps I had known from the beginning. Yet, what I hesitated about knowing was that I didn’t want to cut the tie. I wanted to leave the connected link. Even if it meant an unbalanced relationship where I always became the weaker one. I wanted to have that much. I wanted to grab onto it endlessly like a straw.
Even cutting that off felt like I would truly be alone.
It seemed like being left alone in the vast, pitch-black universe, where no sound could be heard.
“…Let’s stop here, Seoyoung.”
“Oppa.”
“It’s been already ten years, and even if we meet our parents again now, we can’t go back to the past. So if you’ve been contacting me expecting that, it’s time to stop. If Mom treats you like a child without me, just consider that you’ve never had an older brother from the beginning.”
“How could it be like that?”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
Her large pupils swelled, and tears burst out and streamed down her cheeks.
“Tbe kjcafv atja abb, Yqqj. Ca olgra, ktfc sbe kfca lcvfqfcvfca, sbe kjcafv ab rajs lc abemt klat Zbw, fnfc lo sbe vlvc’a rjs la -“
“Dea cba jcswbgf. P vbc’a cffv la cbk.”
Cr P rjlv la, P gfjilhfv la kjr agef. Qtja kjr pera jc fwqas qglvf j ofk kffxr jub mbeiv cbk yf oeiis fzqgfrrfv.
Because the man who threatened to lock me in the basement now held all my strings. So, for the first time, I could let go of everything else. Even though I released the grip of my hand, my body didn’t float into the air. My bare feet remained firmly on the ground.
I got up and fetched a department store bag from the shelf. My sister’s eyes followed me.
“It’s a graduation gift. I bought something safe because I don’t know your taste. There’s a receipt inside, so if you don’t like it, you can exchange it.”
“…Oppa.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t attend your graduation ceremony. Instead, I’ll attend any exhibitions in the future. If you want me to come to your wedding, I’ll come; if you don’t want me to, I won’t. If it’s difficult for you to handle our parents’ funeral alone, I’ll help you. Let’s just do that much as a family from now on.”
“…”
“Think it over. If you think it’s okay to have an older brother who won’t have any contact with our parents for the rest of his life, then contact me again.”
My sister opened her mouth but then closed it again. She looked down at the bag hanging from my arm. I picked up the cup with leftover water from the table and took it to the kitchen.
“It’s late, so you should go now. Write down the taxi number and send it to me by text when you get home. Let me know when you arrive.”
After a long silence, I heard a movement behind me. Irregular footsteps, the rustling sound of putting on shoes at the entrance.
The front door opened and closed. I turned on the tap above the sink, putting water into the cups I had placed on the counter.
***
He answered my call on the third attempt. The noise of passing vehicles spread faintly through the phone line like mist. Faint honking was heard, then it faded away. Click, the sound of a lighter igniting. Exhaling breath, the sound of the wind. I held my breath to hear them.
The silence stretched thin and long, weakly. It became as thin and transparent as a stalk. Sitting on the floor, I imagined the thin cigarette and the opaque patterns it would draw in the air between his lips. Once again, the sound of a car horn was heard, much closer this time.
“…It’s late at night.”
I said, but he didn’t respond.
“You didn’t go far, did you?”
– ….
“Shall I come to pick you up?”
– Hmm.
His tone was slow and unclear. A dull noise interjected through the receiver. He seemed to have covered the handset with his hand, as the rustling sound ceased after a while. I asked again.
“Team Leader, where are you right now?”
– I’m just resting for a while.
“If you’re coming in….”
The call ended. I tried calling again, but by then he seemed to have turned off his phone. I listened to the mechanical voice prompts for a moment before absentmindedly placing the phone on the floor.
I gathered the bundle of tissues on the table. I picked up the wrinkled handkerchief of the team leader from where my sister had been sitting and put it in the laundry basket. I went into the bedroom and smoothed out the corner of the rumpled blanket with my palm.
It couldn’t have been long. Instead of ringing the bell, he knocked on the door twice. I quickly got up from the cushion next to the entrance where I was uncomfortably dozing off, then opened the door. As I peeked through the crack in the door, I realized it was him and pushed it open, stepping aside.
“Please come in.”
The team leader didn’t move. He looked down at his shoes as if they were glued to the floor, then raised his gaze, which pierced through my face.
It was a cold, penetrating stare, as if seeing something unfamiliar. His eyes, scanning from head to toe, lingered on my face. They relentlessly chased my eyes as if trying to pry something beyond them. For no reason, I felt my throat constrict, and I remained silent, lips sealed shut.
Then, abruptly, he moved. A gust of cold air entered with his brushing against my side. A strong smell of alcohol wafted in.
He didn’t step further inside but stood at the entrance, surveying the living room. The narrow space, with just one bedroom separated by a sliding door, a few bookshelves, and a writing desk, suddenly felt even smaller with the imposing figure of the man standing in it. I leaned against the wall by the entrance, waiting until his gaze returned to me. When it did, he looked at me calmly and commented briefly.
“It’s a home befitting of Lee Seodan.”
“…Is that so?”
He pushed his shoes off to the side. As the impeccably dressed man stood in the cramped living room, it seemed even smaller. I glanced upwards, feeling as if the ceiling had lowered.
It was strange to see him in the place where I lived and slept every day. As I stood in the entrance, Han Team Leader, seemingly at ease like a homeowner, leaned back comfortably against the largest cushion, throwing a casual glance around.
“Are you going to keep standing there?”
“May I offer you some tea?”
I reflexively asked. It was something I learned from him, not from anyone else. He shook his head slightly.
“Forget the tea, just a glass of water, please.”
“Sure.”
As I headed to the kitchen, he asked from behind.
“May I use the restroom first?”
“…Yes. The door over there leads to the bathroom.”
I turned towards the bathroom door, realizing the identity of the unfamiliarity. The places I had been with him before had always been hotel rooms he chose, his home, or the company where he was my boss. The reversed roles of me being the landlord and him the guest felt awkward. I glanced at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and surreptitiously rubbed my nose. I rummaged through the drawers to find a new toothbrush. The bristles were black.
“You can use this toothbrush, and towels are here… Please use the larger one. Let me find you some clothes to change into. Perhaps some larger pajama bottoms…”
As I knelt down to look into the towel drawer and spoke, I looked up to find him staring at me again, as if piercing through. When our eyes met, I forgot what I was saying.
“Underwear.”
He asked, “Are you going to let me wear your underwear?”
“…I’ll find a new one for you.”
Even though I tried not to be conscious of it, heat rose to my ears. I hurriedly stood up from my kneeling position, intending to pass by his side. But then he reached out one arm and blocked the door.
One of his shirt sleeves was unbuttoned. Fixating on the exposed forearm, I waited stiffly. Looking down at my head, he murmured slowly.
“It’s fair. Lee Seodan comes to my house and wears my clothes, and I come to Lee Seodan’s house and wear his clothes.”
“…Yes.”
“There might still be Lee Seodan’s belongings in my house.”
Saying so, he moved his arm that blocked my path. As I passed by, he closed the bathroom door. Soon, the sound of the shower could be faintly heard.
Though his pronunciation was clear, seeing how the conversation was jumping around, it seemed like he might be intoxicated. I went to the kitchen and filled a large glass cup with water. Placing it on the table, I went back to the room. In the bottom corner of a drawer, I vaguely remembered, there were pajama bottoms that were too big for me.
“Lee Seodan’s taste is highly questionable.”
As soon as he came out of the bathroom, he said. Well, the pajama bottoms weren’t particularly peculiar for sleepwear. They had several white rabbits drawn on a green background, but they were slightly small for him. The hem ended abruptly at the ankles. His face, as he dried his wet hair with a towel, seemed slightly wrinkled, and I felt like bursting into a hollow laughter.
“Please rest first. I’ve left a water cup on the table.”
He passed by me without a word. As I picked up the cup, I glanced at his back, then went into the bathroom.
In the already steam-filled space, I finished my shower and dried myself off. His toothbrush was neatly placed next to mine in the holder. Holding the towel, I opened the door and stepped out, finding the house dark. Only the light from the dining table was on, and he was nowhere to be seen.
I checked the entrance first. His shoes from earlier were still there. He wasn’t in the kitchen either. Thin darkness seeped through the crack in the door of the darkened bedroom. I took a deep breath.
When I turned off the dining table light, the house became completely dark. Tracing along the wall from the light switch with my fingertips, I carefully opened the sliding door I found. It was like dark, warm water. Relying on my senses, I closed my eyes and moved towards the narrow bed. When my thigh bumped against the mattress, I could tell he was next to me even though I couldn’t see him.
As I pulled back the blanket and sat up, strong arms wrapped around my waist. His legs, clad in soft pajama bottoms, intertwined with mine, and our chests pressed tightly together. I leaned my cheek against his warm neck.
“Lee Seodan.”
At that moment, when I thought he was asleep, he whispered in my ear.
“Is everything settled with your sister?”
It was a question, but the end of it hung flatly, as if not expecting an answer. I exhaled. I asked him.
“Why didn’t you answer the phone, Team Leader?”
He didn’t respond. His large, warm hand brushed my back and pulled me closer. By the time the words reached the tip of his tongue, he casually replied.
“Lee Seodan was good at studying since elementary school and was a model student. They say he even chased after the middle schoolers who stole the neighbor’s dog.”
“Oh.”
“He had a stubborn personality even when he was young.”
His lips brushed softly against my earlobe.
“I don’t particularly like kids, but… Lee Seodan must have been quite cute.”
It was a low, muffled voice. I leaned closer to him in silence.
“When you were young too, Team Leader…”
“When I was young?” He repeated with an odd tone, smiling. His breath brushed against my cheek, carrying scents of toothpaste, alcohol, and his own scent. It was warm. Everything was good. He was so good that I willingly chose the pitiful leash of an imbalanced relationship where I always had to wait, once again.
His lips brushed lightly against my forehead, then descended to meet mine. He wrapped his arms around me, burying my head into his chest, and spoke softly.
“You probably wouldn’t like the younger me much.”
I tried to lift my head, but he gently pushed it down while stroking it. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, the outlines of everything became blurry.
“There’s something I remember.”
He said slowly in my ear.
“I’ve forgotten most things from my childhood… but I remember this. It was the day we moved to a new neighborhood from the house we’d been living in for years… When I was young, I used to take long walks alone for hours. The adults left to unpack, and I wandered around the neighborhood alone.”
“…?”
“There was a house… with a garden full of roses and… it must have been a house where a gardener took care of the flowers properly. Different colors… even outside the fence. I was passing by there and…”
He blinked. A heavy pressure, like sinking into deep water, pressed against my eyelids. My heavy eyelids slowly descended, as if pulled down by the weight.
“…I saw the flowers. …Just saying that might not make it feel real, but I had never seen such flowers in my life. Even for a boy who wasn’t interested in flowers, I wanted to stare at them all day long… didn’t want to go home. There was just one flower so perfect.”
“…”
“What do you think Lee Seodan would have done?”
At the unexpected question, I briefly opened my eyes before closing them again. I struggled to piece together an image that was difficult to imagine in my mind.
“Wouldn’t I come every day to look at them? Until the flowers wilt…”
“…”
“Whenever I had time, I’d go for a walk… morning, noon, and night. Since I could come out anytime.”
He laughed. It was a warm, rich laughter. After laughing, he added a word to me.
“Very much like Lee Seodan, indeed.”
I waited without opening my eyes. I felt as if I already knew the answer in the pitch darkness. Like pulling aside a thin curtain, I sensed the anticipation beyond.
“You’ve broken it, haven’t you?”
I asked. My heartbeat echoed in my ears. He sighed lightly in the darkness.
“I did.”
Shadows gathered behind my eyelids. I tried to speak, but he calmly continued.
“I broke it. …I stomped on it with my sneakers until the petals were torn off, and kicked it with my heels until it was trampled. I jumped in place, crushed it… and tore the remaining bits with my nails. Blood seeped beneath my nails, so much that it didn’t come out for days…”
“So… that’s how it is. If you were to meet the younger me, Lee Seodan probably wouldn’t have liked it very much.”
I opened my eyes. In the hazy dawn, he was looking down at me. His eyes, stripped of all lids, bore into my throat and stifled my breath, even without touching.
***
Even before my eyes opened, I sensed the colors. The sunlight filtering through the curtains onto my face was the yellow of the afternoon. In my half-asleep state, one thought came to mind first.
I was late for work. Properly late.
My body, bouncing up reflexively like a spring, was stopped by something firm. I opened my eyes and checked the arms encircling my waist. My body was trapped, immobile, within the fence created by his arms and chest.
Only then did I realize. The project was already over. Today was a Saturday when I didn’t have to go to work for several weeks.
After tossing and turning a few times, I lay down again and looked up at the ceiling. The words spoken and uttered over the course of the day, tangled sounds echoing in my ears. Deeds done without much emotion weighed heavily, as if postponed, pressing down on me. Like a hangover, it trampled over my chest and passed by belatedly.
I lay still for a while with my arm raised above my face. I inhaled deeply until my chest felt tight, then exhaled until it emptied. Tiny particles of dust drifted silently in the sunlight. The warm golden bedroom was quiet as if time had stopped.
After some time, I opened my eyes and looked up at Team Leader’s sleeping face. His well-shaped lips were firmly shut, and the sunlight sparkled on the tip of his straight nose. Slowly, I reached out and gently touched his stubbly chin before pulling my hand away.
Slowly and gradually, I slipped out from under his arm. I held my breath, then exhaled slowly, held it again, and repeated the cycle. His face, which I had watched all along, remained peaceful without any disturbance. Even as I got up and the mattress creaked, he didn’t stir. My legs felt wobbly, as if bones had melted, as I hurriedly left the bedroom.
I closed the sliding door and picked up the phone rolling on the floor. Three thirty in the afternoon. The battery indicator was flashing red.
I sat on the living room floor for a while, then opened the refrigerator and the pantry one after the other. Eventually, I threw on an outer coat over my pajamas, slipped on slippers without socks, and left the house. At the nearby convenience store, there were small containers of pumpkin porridge and abalone porridge. Hangover relief drinks, headache pills, two packs of cigarettes, and two sticks of candy. As I picked one of each kind of porridge, the plastic bag felt heavy.
His shoes were still lying in the narrow entranceway. I breathed deeply until my lungs were filled and heated up, then heated up the pumpkin porridge. The microwave seemed noisier than usual today, and the plastic spoon felt fragile as if it would break at any moment.
After leaving the empty bowl on the counter, I went back to the bedroom as if waiting for it. I glanced at his sleeping face, then sat on the floor and leaned against the bed. The faint sound of his regular breathing mixed with the rustling of pages being turned.
His arm intruded into my field of vision suddenly, just past four-thirty. I spread my hand out as if to shield the book and he, in his half-asleep voice, asked.
“What time is it?”
“…It’s not yet five.”
I turned around. He was still resting his cheek on the pillow, his eyes half-closed, watching me. Seeing the fine lines on his forehead, I hesitated before asking.
“Are you feeling better?”
“…Better than I thought.”
His voice in the lower register was completely locked up. The sharpness in his eyes that had been evident disappeared under his eyelids again. With his eyes closed, he asked.
“Are you okay, Lee Seodan?”
Lee Seodan’s family is truly awful, I’m glad he decided to free himself from them.
Seodan’s family is so toxic zamn the parents are the typical asian parents lol🥲 and I bet if the story started in their childhood it will be even more toxic isnwhshsh