Translator: White Lotus
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Hira couldn’t believe that he and Kiyoi were now sitting face-to-face on either side of the coffee table. The 24-hour coffee shop was filled with the languid atmosphere of weary part-timers and customers waiting for the first train.
“I thought you were going back with that person from earlier.”
“Iruma-san?”
“I-I heard that you two are lovers.”
“What the hell do you mean by that?”
“Ah, um, the people sitting next to me at the afterparty said that.”
“It really is an industry full of rumor-mongers.”
Kiyoi snickered before denying it.
“Not your lover?”
“No.”
Hira was relieved by that simple answer. Even though it was clear that he himself was incapable of getting him——
“Ah …… I thought you were a model, so I was surprised to suddenly see you as an actor.”
“I’m not serious about being an actor, though.”
It seemed that the main focus of his work was on modeling, and he occasionally played supporting roles in commercials and TV dramas. In the past, he happened to get a ticket to a theater performance, which turned out to be unexpectedly interesting. After that, he started to participate in the rehearsals of his acquaintance’s theater group and occasionally performed in some small roles on stage, but since he didn’t go through an agency, he couldn’t do anything spectacular.
“Besides, I’m still a student.”
“Are you going to be an actor in the future?”
“I haven’t decided yet. I’ve got four years of university to think about that.”
“Yeah, that’s right. You’ve been working on this since high school, so I thought you’d already made up your mind.”
Hearing this, Kiyoi looked at him with an astonished look on his face and said, “How can it be so easy to decide?”
“A job is a lifelong thing. In my perspective, anyone who talks so casually about making a living as an actor at the age of nineteen is nothing but an inebriated, ignorant person. Unlike ordinary workers who get a fixed salary every month, if you let things screw up too badly, you need to be prepared for the possibility that your whole life will be wasted.”
Hira understood what Kiyoi was saying. It didn’t imply that they’d lose their passion. They were the generation that grew up being taught from an early age that they could only fit a five-millimeter object into a five-millimeter gap. The so-called dream meant the wish of stuffing something one centimeter into the gap of five millimeters, and it was also their generation that was more likely to consider the risks of failure than their imagination of success at such times.
“Yeah, even if it’s a childhood dream, you really have to think a lot about it when it comes to reality.”
“Dream?” Kiyoi asked rhetorically, holding his chin in one hand that popped up on the table. “It’s not such an exaggerated thing. Well, although there were a lot of things that happened when I was a kid……”
Keeping his chin resting on his hand, Kiyoi was drinking his coffee as if attempting to avoid talking about that topic.
There were a lot of things, these ambiguous words seemed to reveal some of the thoughts in Kiyoi’s heart.
——I look more like my father.
Once, Kiyoi confided something to Hira. It was a story from his childhood, when he led the life of a latchkey kid, always alone at home, who aspired to enter the glamorous world of TV and wrote an anthology when he was in elementary school about his desire to be an idol. Even though his mother remarried and gave birth to a younger brother and a younger sister, making him half-blood related to his new father, only Kiyoi looked like no one among the children. These were the kinds of things meant by “a lot of things.”
Propping up his chin with his hand on the table, Kiyoi looked around the shop with a gaze that was hazy from alcohol.
Most people believed that as they grew older, the pain of childhood would be forgotten or would eventually fade away, but Hira didn’t believe this to be the case. Of course there were certain things he’d forgotten, but the look of surprise on everyone’s faces when he first stuttered in class in front of his classmates for the first time was something he remembered to this day, and the feeling of wanting to cry at that time was something he hadn’t forgotten. Of course, even though there weren’t many joyful memories, he nonetheless remembered them as well.
It was the accumulation of these factors that led to the development of the current version of him. According to the proverb, “The soul of a three-year-old until a hundred,” yet unexpectedly, the bag you carried around with you for the rest of your life contained many things that had been in your bag since you were a child. You couldn’t trade them with anyone, and no one could help you take them away from you. You could only continue to carry it with you forever. Until the day of your death.
He wondered what was in Kiyoi’s bag. As Hira was staring blankly, Kiyoi abruptly turned to look at him.
“Don’t keep staring at me like that.”
“Sorry.” Hira hurriedly averted his gaze.
“You’re still as gross as ever.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t mind.”
Hira stole a glance and found that Kiyoi didn’t look angry, which made him feel relieved.
“What about you?”
“Me?”
“How’s university going?”
“Ah, um, not bad.”
Hira gave an ambiguous response. Life at the university was extremely ordinary. The club’s activities carried on as usual, and he and Koyama remained the same as before. Since Koyama initially stated that he needed more time, it had been almost a month, yet Koyama had taken no further action. Nothing changed in their relationship.
It appeared as though Koyama had undergone a metamorphosis. He remained constantly tensed up, as though he were being challenged to a game of card tower. Koyama would keep his mouth shut and remain silent whenever he disagreed with Hira when they were having a conversation. Always pay extra attention to himself, but on the other hand, there were moments when he purposefully lost his temper over trivial issues and then apologized right away, or sometimes he remained unstable, and other times it was Hira who became unsure of what to do.
Hira never thought things would turn out this way. Although it was hard for him too, Koyama was the one who was suffering the most. Hira believed it would be better to have another good talk and maintain their distance. There could probably be a fight. Maybe he would be blamed. Just imagining it made Hira feel depressed, but it was mostly self-inflicted, so it couldn’t be helped.
“Why are you sighing?”
Hira looked up with a start.
“You’re not still being ordered to run errands at the university, are you?”
“Th-that’s not it. My friends in the club are all very nice.”
“Then why did you sigh?”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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“University life is fun. I haven’t had any friends since I was a kid, and the friends I have now are all very understanding of my dysphemia. But making friends entails interacting with people, and lately I’m starting to understand how hard it is to do so, but overall it’s still fun ……”
“Be more specific.”
“……Um”
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“Being treated kindly by others makes me pleased, but sometimes it’s also……painful.”
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“Hmm, I see.” Kiyoi leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs. “That’s the point, then. Being loved by others bothers you. Same goes for Koyama-san’s little brother.”
“Th-that’s not it!”
Hira involuntarily spoke out in a loud voice. Kiyoi’s eyes widened.
“Ah, I’m sorry. But …… Koyama really is a nice guy. When I was nervous and had trouble speaking during the club self-introduction, he was the one who helped me explain my dysphemia to everyone for me; moreover, Koyama’s older brother also had dysphemia when he was a kid, so he’s very understanding of my suffering and has never exhibited strange sympathy for me; instead, he remains always natural, gentle, and cheerful.”
That was true. Koyama was originally such a person. He was the first friend Hira had ever enjoyed hanging out with, but because of his own half-assedness, the relationship between the two became complicated. Just as Hira was blaming himself,
“If he’s that good, why don’t you go out with him?”
Hira lifted his gaze in surprise at his dismissive way of speaking.
“Didn’t you say you almost started dating? Then why don’t you guys just go out? There probably won’t be anyone who can like a guy like you in the future.”
After saying this in an annoyed tone, Kiyoi took out a thin book from his bag. Hira was puzzled as he observed him flip the pages so roughly since he couldn’t figure out why Kiyoi had become enraged at such a sudden moment.
“Um, are you angry about something?” Hira asked cautiously.
“I’m not angry.”
Kiyoi replied with an indignant look on his face. Hira didn’t have the courage to press the matter any further.
“…… Is that a script?”
Hira tried to change the subject.
“Yes.”
“For the next stage play?”
“Yes.”
There was coldness, the degree of which was beyond limit. But at a time like this, one needed to be courageous.
“Can I go see it?”
When Hira asked that question, Kiyoi raised his eyes to glare at him.
“Stop asking permission for everything. If you want to come, then just come!”
“Ah, thank you.”
Hira couldn’t help but express his gratitude. Although Kiyoi’s tone sounded extremely upset, the door that had once been closed was finally opened again. This time, there was no need to wear embarrassing disguises.
“When’s the stage show?”
“December. At today’s theater.”
“I didn’t know about it even though I conduct searches on the internet every day. Did I miss it?”
“Search?”
Only after receiving a suspicious look from Kiyoi did Hira finally come back to his senses. Conducting searches on the internet for information about him, even on a daily basis, would seem tremendously repulsive to Kiyoi. Hira had to come up with some excuse.
——Whether it’s a magazine or a stage performance, as long as Kiyoi appears in it, I want to look through everything.
No, it felt even more creepy. In the midst of Hira’s growing concern over what to do,
“It’s a private production that doesn’t go via an agency, so it’s hard to advertise.”
Kiyoi simply brushed it off.
Ah, great. Nevertheless, his heart was still pounding from nervousness. He had to be careful not to get carried away and say something he shouldn’t have said.
“Th-hat’s right. It’s tough.”
“Well… It’s also hard to find a place to rehearse without an agency.”
“A place to rehearse?”
“I’m currently living alone after moving out of my parents’ house, and the walls of my studio apartment are too thin. I practiced my lines at home the other day, and the next day I got a call from the management company saying that they had received a complaint.”
Uncharacteristically, Kiyoi sighed.
“Does the rehearsal need to be done in a place with special facilities?”
“No, anywhere is fine as long as it doesn’t cause an annoyance to the surrounding neighborhood.”
“If that’s the case, I think I might be able to do something about it.”
Hira recalled that when his uncle and his family came to visit them a few days ago, they mentioned that their family was going to be transferred to Taiwan for a few years due to work. It was fine to go overseas, but what about the house during this time? Uncle and his family were worried about this matter. If there was no one to live in the house, it would gradually deteriorate. It didn’t seem possible for their two daughters to help them with it since they had long been married and resided in their new home. It could also have been rented out, but his aunt didn’t like the idea of having outsiders move in to live in their house.
‘We won’t charge you any rent,Kazu-kun, so would you like to live alone in our house as a manager?’
Even though his aunt asked this, his mother politely declined the offer with a smile on the grounds that Hira could neither cook nor clean.
“It’s a detached house with a pretty big courtyard, and both of my cousins are piano learners, so I think there should be a soundproof room in the house. I’ll talk to my aunt as soon as I get home.”
After speaking with great enthusiasm, it was only then that Hira noticed Kiyoi’s expression of not knowing what to say.
“Ah, sorry, I got carried away.”
“It’s nothing, I appreciate your offer, but……”
Hira wondered if he got too carried away again. He was afraid Kiyoi would tell him that Hira was being too persistent and that he should stop bothering him, but instead, Kiyoi simply frowned and said “It’s nothing” in a cryptic manner. Although his facial expression didn’t match what he stated——
“That house, can I really use it?”
“Probably. My aunt is worried about it a lot.”
Hira hastily jotted down his new cell phone number and email address on a slip of paper before handing it to Kiyoi.
“I’ll have it prepared for you beforehand, so please feel free to contact me whenever you need to utilize it.”
However, Kiyoi was staring at that slip of paper Hira handed him with an eerie expression on his face.
“…… It’s not the same number as the previous one.”
“The previous phone fell in the water and had all of its data erased.”
“If it had fallen into the water, you could have simply switched to a new phone instead of changing the number.”
“…… That’s because…”
It was because, after Kiyoi bid him farewell, Hira, out of despair, decided to sever all the ties connected to Kiyoi. However, it was difficult for him to say it. He was adamant about his decision, and that was not a lie, but in the end, he found himself searching for Kiyoi on the Internet every day, collecting all the magazines in which Kiyoi appeared as a model, and even going to watch Kiyoi’s stage plays in disguise. His actions were eerily similar to those of a stalker, and if Kiyoi learned about that, he would surely be disgusted.
As Hira kept his head lowered, unable to answer, Kiyoi took out his mobile phone and started typing in Hira’s number while gazing at the slip of paper. The following instant, Hira’s phone, which was in his pocket, briefly vibrated before ceasing abruptly.
“That’s my number. Didn’t you say that all of your data got erased?”
“Th-thank you ……”
Given how ecstatic he was, Hira’s voice sounded overly animated. The screen of his mobile phone displayed the eleven-digit number. Kiyoi inquired as to what was wrong as he observed Hira, who had once lost this number, staring at it in disbelief.
“I never thought one day I would be able to exchange contact information with you again; it’s like a dream.”
This was what Hira genuinely felt, but Kiyoi made an irritated expression on his face.
“Gross as ever.”
Upon hearing those familiar phrases, Hira’s heart swelled with happiness once again. This time, Kiyoi uttered the word “annoying” after catching sight of his beaming face. Hira wished that it would stay this way forever, but suddenly, all of the customers started to get up, causing a small bustle within the shop. It turned out that before they realized it, it was time for the first train, and everyone was getting ready to leave.
“You… What’re you going to do after this?”
Kiyoi asked as the two of them walked side by side along the main street under the rising sun after leaving the shop.
“I’ll take the train home. Which train line is Kiyoi going to take?”
“That’s not what I’m asking…….” Kiyoi was unusually hesitant. “It’s the topic from earlier; are you going to date Koyama-san’s little brother?”
“…… eh?”
All of a sudden, the conversation veered back to the topic from earlier. As Kiyoi kept staring at him intently, Hira was baffled. Although he wouldn’t go out with Koyama, he wasn’t sure if he should talk about such things as an extension of casual conversation. If he were Koyama, he most definitely wouldn’t like to talk about such a topic.
“I don’t know.”
“If you don’t know, does that mean there’s a possibility of you dating him in the future?” Kiyoi inquired with a furious tone.
“No, I just don’t know. Why do you care about that?”
“……What do you mean why?” Kiyoi clicked his tongue. “Forget it. I don’t give a shit, so date whoever you want!”
“Eh, wait, why are you――”
But it appeared that Kiyoi no longer wanted to say more and just walked forward with quick steps.
Hira was at a loss while following behind Kiyoi. It had been quite a long time since Hira had been able to speak with him, and it was Kiyoi who had taken the initiative to do so, but it ended up being this way. He didn’t understand why Kiyoi was angry, and so he felt very awful about his own stupidity.
The moment the train station came into their line of sight, Kiyoi abruptly swung around.
“Who do you like, that guy or me?”
It was too sudden, which made Hira come to a standstill in a daze.
“Huh?”
When Hira asked back with a silly face, Kiyoi’s expression darkened considerably.
A split second after taking two strides to close the distance between them, Kiyoi kicked Hira in the shin, causing him to feel excruciating pain.
Hira couldn’t help but squat down, and when he looked up again, Kiyoi was already walking towards the station. Looking at an indignant Kiyoi’s receding back, Hira couldn’t even say anything. After Kiyoi’s figure disappeared into the station premises, Hira could only grasp his sore shin, wanting to cry, as he didn’t know why he had been kicked.
——Who do you like, that guy or me?
What was… that? Not knowing what to say at all, Hira’s face distorted in perplexity.
The feelings he had for Kiyoi and the feelings he had for Koyama were different kinds.
There was no difference between the good and the bad things that Kiyoi gave him. There were good ones that came with happiness and bad ones that came with sadness. He had never considered that he might act in certain ways depending on his emotions, such as doing this because he was happy or doing that because he was sad in the first place. He was like a sudden storm that could not be controlled by one’s will or effort. That was the kind of person Kiyoi was.
Koyama was a living person who never deviated from reality. Not long ago, Hira himself tried to face reality squarely. Giving a present and wanting to confess to Koyama on his birthday, even though Hira felt like a ready-made product of a factory, he still intended to ride on the conveyor belt. Although it was a little lonely, it was reassuring.
However, the reappearance of Kiyoi blew reality away with ease.
Hira would probably keep chasing Kiyoi for the rest of his life.
How could he refuse the hand that was offered to him?
Regardless of how hard he tried, he would never be able to catch him, right?
His mind instantaneously conjured up an image of Captain Duck floating down a river. It was Captain Duck, who had been protecting Hira since the old days. As he hadn’t thought of it for a long time, he was filled with incredible nostalgia. Nevertheless, the vision of it he had this time was different from before. Instead of the dirty sewage river, Captain Duck was floating in the magnificent golden river. On the river of the glorious kingdom ruled by Kiyoi, the honorable king’s special Captain Duck was floating alone.
Hira couldn’t help but chuckle due to his bizarre imagination.
It was lonely. It was exhausting. And yet, there was no way he could stop himself from accepting it.
Kiyoi would never become his own. He, however, would not let go of Hira either. His destiny was to be the king’s toy, and he would never give himself to anyone else, even if the king no longer needed him. So that was good. No matter how solitary or painful it was, he didn’t want to be let go.
—— I want to belong to Kiyoi forever.
His shin kept throbbing with pain. Hira remained crouching by the side of the road and peered up at the orange reflection of the rising sun on the windows of the building when the mobile phone in his pocket vibrated. He thought Kiyoi was the caller, but Koyama’s name appeared on the screen. Hira’s shoulders slumped involuntarily as he felt a moment of disappointment, which was soon replaced by a feeling of guilt.
He wondered what the reason was for calling so early in the morning. While Hira was hesitating for some reason, the phone stopped ringing before starting to ring once again. Compelled by the faint vibration, Hira pressed the receive button.
“……Hello.”
Hira gingerly picked up the phone, and what he got back in response was the sound of coughing.
“Koyama?”
‘S-sorry to disturb you at such an early hour. I seem to have caught a cold.’
He was coughing all the time, even when he was talking.
‘I thought I’d feel better after a restful night of sleep, but the fever kept getting worse.’
“Did you take your medicine? Have you eaten anything?”
‘I finished all my meds yesterday and haven’t eaten any food yet. The refrigerator is empty……’
Koyama’s words gave off the impression that he wanted Hira to come.
“Where’s your brother?”
‘I called him, and he said he was on a business trip to Kyushu.’
Unsure of what to do, Hira was at a loss. He had not visited Koyama’s home in a very long time. He had always felt he shouldn’t go. But he couldn’t leave the patient alone.
“I’ll come there now. I’ll bring you some medicine, drinks, and retort porridge and pudding, okay?”
‘Thanks. Sorry to trouble you.’
Koyama had a slightly upbeat tone to his voice.
“It’s okay. I’ll just hang all the stuff I’ll purchase on your doorknob.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone.
‘…… Why?’ Koyama muttered. Another cough followed immediately after. ‘I haven’t said anything to bother Hira, have I? I didn’t say I wanted you to go out with me either, so why are you distancing yourself from me like this?’
Hearing Koyama’s pained respiration, Hira didn’t know what to say.
‘Listen, I don’t understand why you are doing this. I’ve already told you that I’m fine with us being friends.’
“…… I’m sorry. But it’s not possible.”
‘Nothing is impossible.’
“It’s impossible for me. For you too. Koyama, are you crying right now?”
‘I’m not crying.’
There was a hint of distortion that could be heard in the voice that came through the phone. Besides being sorry, Hira felt a twinge of annoyance. He felt guilty for his own acts. All sorts of conflicting emotions were mingling together, making him want to lie, saying that he understood and that everything would be the same as before, so that he could get away with it. It was a hundred times easier for him to say that. After all, no one wants to be the bad guy.
Hira once again felt that Kiyoi was really powerful. No matter what others thought, no matter whether the situation was favorable or unfavorable, Kiyoi always held his head upright and majestically. That kind of strength was what Hira craved so desperately.
‘…… I can hear some traffic noise. Hira, are you outside?’
“Yeah, Just went to hang out for a while.”
‘It’s rare to see you spend the entire night outside. Who were you with?’
Koyama was fully aware of the fact that Hira never stayed out all night, with the sole exception of his club gathering.
‘Was it with Kiyoi-kun?’
“…………”
‘He’s never going to take you seriously at all.’ His tone sounded frantic, unlike Koyama’s usual manner of speaking. ‘I’ve heard that Kiyoi-kun said a lot of bad things about you to my brother. Said that you had no friends and that you were a creepy stalker. He’s the kind of guy who can say stuff like that with a face of indifference.’
Hira didn’t want to hear that. Because Koyama, who was now saying this, was going to be more hurt than he, who was listening.
“It’s fine. Actually, that’s the way I am.”
‘Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant. The person who says bad things about people behind their backs is the worst!’
“Kiyoi says the same things to my face too. I’m gross, annoying, a stalker, and so on.”
Hira couldn’t even count the number of times he had heard these remarks since he was a high school student.
‘…… What… that…’
Koyama’s voice sounded as though it had been shattered like brittle glass. Emitted continuous clinking sounds.
‘I’m really…. an obnoxious guy, aren’t I?’
“That’s not true. Koyama is a good person. I know that!”
That was the only thing that needed to be stated clearly.
‘…… I’m sorry, Hira, I… didn’t mean to say those things.’
“Yeah, I know.”
Hira didn’t feel angry. In this regard, he shared a lot of similarities with Koyama; they both relentlessly pursued something they knew they couldn’t attain and felt self-loathing over their own actions.
Koyama kept saying sorry. Hira kept replying that it was okay.
They kept spinning around in the same place, going nowhere.
The shin where he had been kicked was aching. A throbbing pain. However, it was something Kiyoi had given him, so he couldn’t let go; Hira just kept holding onto his knee, unable to stand up in a world that was gradually brightening up.
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Translator’s Note: The chapter “Bitter Sweet Loop” is finally finished! The next and last main chapter will be “Sweet and Bitter.” After that, there’ll be two bonus chapters. In this last main chapter, there’ll be some intimate, explicit scenes of HiraKiyo. You know what I mean… *cough* ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) … I’ll try to update soon. XOXO
Thank you so much Adele for the kofi (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡
Thank you for the update 😭🫶🫶. Looking forward for the next chapters 🫶 lovelotss
Thanks for reading ❤️
I can’t wait for the next chapter 😁😁 thank you for the update 🤍
Thanks for reading ❤️
Thank you for the update ❤
Thanks for reading ❤️
I’m so excited!! Thank you for the update 🍬 and I will eagerly await for the next chapters💕
Thanks for reading ❤️
Thank you for the update❤️❤️
Thanks for reading ❤️
Спасибо вам за вашу работу, я с нетерпением жду продолжения
Thanks for reading ❤️
Yay thank you for the update!
Thanks for reading ❤️
Thank you! You are awesome!