Translator: White Lotus
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At the end of September, Hira met Koyama for the first time in a long time after summer vacation. It was the first time they had seen each other since Koyama’s birthday, and even though Hira felt a little embarrassed, Koyama came to talk to him after class in a very casual manner.
“Long time no see. Did you go somewhere during summer vacation?”
As they walked along the corridor, Koyama asked casually.
“I didn’t go anywhere. I stayed home the whole time.”
“I see. Yeah, you don’t appear to have much of a tan either.”
Koyama smiled ambiguously, and even the insensitive Hira realized that it was not a casual question. During the summer vacation, Koyama asked him to hang out with him many times, but Hira always refused on the pretext that he was busy. Koyama must have thought it was strange that his answer just now contradicted what he had said before. Yet he still didn’t say anything.
“Koyama.”
“Hmm?”
“I’ve been thinking about ……”
Hira had already made up his mind, but it took great courage to say it out loud.
Ever since he met Kiyoi again, Hira had broken down. Or, to put it another way, return to the previous state.
As if he had lost his mind, he began searching for Kiyoi’s name on the Internet every day. Up until this point, he had been deliberately avoiding the smoldering fire, but now he found himself engulfed in a large flame that appeared to have been doused in gasoline. He was scolded by his mother for not even leaving his cell phone at dinner time. Hira himself felt disgusted.
Worst of all, he once again indulged in a behavior that he had forbidden himself from engaging in while he was in high school. He frantically collected magazines in which Kiyoi had appeared as a model, looked at them voraciously, and then unwittingly lost control. No matter how hard he tried to restrain himself, deep down in his heart, he still had the desire to touch Kiyoi. The sensation of the fluid being released into his hand propelled Hira into a vortex of self-loathing, elevating Kiyoi to an even higher and farther existence from him.
“I think we should stop talking and meeting like this.”
After making up his mind, Hira declared his decision in a single breath.
Koyama didn’t say a word. Looking straight ahead while walking.
“Because I’m quitting the club.”
Koyama still didn’t say anything. Walking through the cafe and the courtyard, not knowing exactly where he was going. Koyama didn’t even look at him; he just kept walking along the road in front of him.
“Are you listening?”
After hearing this question, Koyama finally stopped. Then he looked at Hira with an angry look on his face.
“I’m listening. If that’s the case, then I’m quitting the club. By the way, we’ve talked about this topic before, haven’t we?”
“It’s not the same as that time before. I feel very bad for keeping you waiting for so long.”
“I didn’t feel like you kept me waiting. I just like you on my own.”
“Even after knowing this, I behaved spoiledly, so it’s my fault.”
Koyama bit his lip.
“We get along well and have a good understanding of one another, so I don’t expect anything more from Hira in the future, either. It’s fine the way it is now.”
“……It’s not good.”
At this stage, it was already pointless for Koyama to say such words.
“This kind of thing is bound to be painful. No matter how stupid I am, I can understand that much.”
Koyama pursed his mouth in a straight line and hung his head.
“……As I expected, it really is Kiyoi-kun?”
“Eh?”
“The person Hira likes is Kiyoi-kun, right?”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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“Um.”
“Did you meet Kiyoi-kun during the summer vacation?”
“No, we didn’t. There’s no way Kiyoi would meet with someone like me.”
“Didn’t he invite you to the afterparty?”
“To Kiyoi, such things don’t matter.”
“Didn’t Kiyoi-kun say Hira’s dysphemia was ‘gross’?”
“He’s been saying that since high school. I just like Kiyoi like that.”
“I don’t understand. Why do you like that kind of guy? The other party, too—why would you invite a guy you find disgusting to an afterparty? You guys are so weird.”
Llgj kbcvfgfv lo atja kjr agef. Zjsyf rb. Dea——
“What exactly do you like about that kind of guy?”
Llgj mbeivc’a tfiq yea alia tlr tfjv rilutais lc qehhifwfca lc atf ojmf bo remt j vlgfma defralbc.
Lf kbcvfgfv ktja tf ilxfv jybea tlw. Qtja fzjmais vlv tf ilxf jybea Blsbl?
Kiyoi was not a good-natured person. Nor was he gentle. He spoke harshly. He made people run errands. Yet, Kiyoi never called him “Hii-kun.” Even though he used Hira as a gofer, he never took money from him. Kiyoi also stopped the other students when they tried to use Hira. Even if none of these were done out of kindness——
Even if Hira said that he liked Kiyoi because of all the things that had happened between them, he felt that none of these could be linked to love. No matter how many words were put together, there was something between him and Kiyoi that could not be adequately expressed in words, and that was what kept him connected to Kiyoi. Being in love is entirely a personal matter. It suddenly appeared or disappeared in a barren place where neither morality nor ethics prevailed.
“I’m sorry, I can’t explain it.” Hira answered honestly.
Koyama kept his head lowered and didn’t say anything.
Many students were walking past them as they walked through the brightly lit university campus hallways.
“…… I understood.” Koyama murmured. “You don’t need a reason to like someone, and that’s the most powerful feeling. But I have my own feelings too, and I need time to organize my thoughts. Until then, I want things to stay the way they are.”
It wasn’t something Hira believed could be resolved over time. But he felt that it would be excessive to drag it out for so long and end up saying what he wanted to say just to let everything pass.
“I understood,” said Hira.
After a brief moment of silence, Koyama let out a deep sigh and then raised his head.
“I’m a little thirsty.” Koyama relaxed his shoulders and looked at Hira. “Let’s go to a cafe. I want to drink iced coffee.”
“Eh, but…”
“I told you everything would stay the same as before until I sorted out my feelings.”
Koyama said as if in complete desperation, then quickly turned around and started walking.
In the middle of October, Hira secretly went to watch a stage play in which Kiyoi appeared as a guest performer.
This was a rare piece of information that was not officially publicized; however, Hira finally obtained it after voraciously stalking through the Twitter and Facebook pages of a girl who appeared to be a huge fan of Kiyoi’s.
Hira didn’t want Kiyoi to feel like he was persistently following him—although in fact he was persistently following him endlessly—so he went in disguise, donning a hat, sunglasses, and a mask; however, the venue was much smaller than he expected, and he was quickly exposed. After the stage play was over, Hira was filling out the questionnaire that was distributed while seated in the corner of the lobby, writing some impressions about the stage play, especially about how excellent Kiyoi’s performance was, when a voice came from behind him.
“Are you some kind of pervert? You look so creepy that it makes you stand out even more.”
Startled, Hira turned around and saw Kiyoi standing there with his arms folded.
“A-a-ah..so-so-so-so….”
Sorry, such a simple word got stuck in his throat.
“If you’re going to apologize, then just don’t come here. Is your boyfriend not with you today?”
——Boyfriend?
“W-w-w-w-wh-“
“The guy who looks like a little beaver. Didn’t you come with him last time?”
Kiyoi looked around the narrow lobby. It was surprising that they could carry on a normal conversation despite Hira being able to only utter one word in every sentence. After calming down a little, Hira took a deep breath and opened his mouth.
“H-how do you know what I’m trying to say?”
Finally, the words came out. Kiyoi frowned as if in disgust.
“I’ve long been used to your dysphemia.”
The way he said it made it sound like he was about to throw up. It was terrible. Hira’s heart, however, was swelled with joy. Despite the fact that it was impossible to predict whether a plus-minus computation on a delicate scale would produce a favorable conclusion, he nonetheless couldn’t help but feel delighted.
——What exactly do you like about that kind of guy?
He really didn’t know. It was possible that the original scale was damaged. Even so, he didn’t want to fix it. He himself didn’t feel inconvenienced by that.
“So, where’s your boyfriend?”
Seeing Hira staring at him mesmerizingly, Kiyoi cast an annoyed look at him.
“It’s just me today.”
“Why?”
Hira was taken aback by Kiyoi’s glare.
“Th-there’s no reason. We didn’t make any promises to come here together, and besides, he’s not my boyfriend to begin with.”
Kiyoi frowned in suspicion.
“Koyama-san said you two are dating.”
“Koyama?”
“It’s his older brother, the other one. He’s worried about his brother having a boyfriend.”
“…… Ah, I see, so that is the case!”
Hira finally figured it out.
“He’s not your boyfriend?”
“No. But at some point, it was almost going to happen that way, so that’s why he misunderstood, I guess.”
“I see…… Almost started dating, huh?” Kiyoi muttered displeasedly. “So, you’re alone today?”
“Yes.”
“Wanna come to the afterparty?”
“Eh, can I?”
“If you want to come, then just come.”
Kiyoi pulled a folded leaflet out of his pants’ back pocket. A small map was included on this leaflet for the shop where the afterparty would be hosted. Kiyoi offered it to Hira as though he were throwing it away.
“Ah, thank you. I’ll come, I’ll definitely come.”
The temperature around Hira’s chest increased dramatically. Kiyoi just cast a cold glance at him, then simply turned around and walked away. As he watched Kiyoi’s receding back, Hira felt the desire to fling himself onto the ground.
At the afterparty, where there was no one he knew, Hira sat alone in a corner the entire time.
Kiyoi did not come to his side. This was a matter of course, so Hira did not have any complaints. Compared with that, the pleasure of being able to stare at Kiyoi the whole time was even better.
During the afterparty, a famous actor was seated next to Kiyoi. This actor did not participate in today’s stage play but only attended the afterparty. The two kept talking intimately.
“Kiyoi-kun and Iruma-san—there seems to be something going on between them.”
Hearing the words of a man seated next to him, Hira reflexively pricked up his ears.
“You just know that! It’s well-known that Iruma-san likes young, beautiful people.”
“Is Kiyoi-kun one of them as well?”
“Isn’t that what some people say?”
Listening to the gossip of men, Hira’s heart rippled.
“Ah, that ……”
As Hira plucked up the courage to interject, those two people turned to look at him at the same time.
“Is Kiyoi like that too?”
“Eh?”
“Who likes men ……”
Hearing Hira’s mumbling words, the two men showed nervous grins.
“Let’s just keep this talk between us. Well, it’s not a rare story in this industry, though.”
As the other party affirmed Hira’s question very readily, Hira couldn’t help but be stunned.
Kiyoi could have a romantic affair with someone of the same gender——
During their high school days, Kiyoi was extremely popular with girls, yet he never had a girlfriend. Thinking back, he also allowed Hira to kiss his hand. Kiyoi even kissed him on the lips on the day of the graduation ceremony. If there wasn’t a little bit of that possibility, there would be no way to carry out such an action with someone of the same gender.
Hira had never pictured himself having any kind of relationship with Kiyoi. And yet, there was still no peace in his heart. The music room and the after-school classroom. Recalling the tactile sensation of touching Kiyoi, Hira gently stroked his own lips with his fingertips.
The entire time, Kiyoi had been talking intimately with Mr. Iruma. Hira wondered if that actor was Kiyoi’s lover. Did Kiyoi kiss that man? Did they do more than that? He pondered whether that man kissed Kiyoi, stripped off his clothes, and touched every part of his body.
He would never be able to get Kiyoi, and he had already given up in his heart, but his overly vivid imagination still gave Hira an agony that felt as though a stake had been drilled through his chest, and he didn’t dare to think about it any further.
After leaving the first restaurant, Hira attended the second and third afterparties that followed. Naturally, it was because Kiyoi was there too. He didn’t even have anyone to talk to, but he wanted to see Kiyoi for a while longer. By the end of the third karaoke party, it was almost dawn, and the people who had already been drunk said goodbye loudly on the street.
Hira watched with an oddly clear gaze as Kiyoi casually left with that actor. He did not think about where the two had gone or how much time they would spend together. The anguish would only intensify by thinking about it. He was lucky enough to be in the same space as Kiyoi. It was good to think that way.
There was still some time before the first train, so Hira started walking and planned to go somewhere to pass the time.
“Going back?”
Hira turned around in surprise.
“……Ah.”
Kiyoi, who was supposed to leave with that actor, stood there.
“Are you going back?”
Kiyoi asked again. As a result of the suddenness of the event, Hira froze in place, and Kiyoi made a small tongue-clucking sound.
“I have to wait for the first train; do you want to join me?” When Kiyoi questioned with an impatient expression, Hira hurriedly nodded his head vigorously.
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Thank you very much for the update 🤍
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Hi dear, I found part 2/6 on your Wattpad account, but why isn’t it here yet?
I didn’t get the time to upload here. I’ll update soon Don’t worry ❤️❤️
Okayyy🍬 ^-^
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Thank you for the translation