“An alliance,” Zhong Renyi said. He looked to Fan Yi. “What do you think?”
Fan Yi sat reclined at the front of the table. His fingers tapped against the tabletop rhythmically. His expression was devoid of any emotion, but his eyes gleamed intensely.
“It could be a trap,” Wu Lingtian said.
The others turned to Wu Lingtian.
“The person we’re against is Rong Meihua,” Wu Lingtian continued, not feeling the pressure of everyone’s gaze on him. “She planted spies in most small sects—including the neutral ones. Of course, the letters we’ve received asking for alliance are not from unreputable places. We just need to be careful.”
“What do you mean by spies?” Situ Hong asked, his brows furrowing.
“The puppets I created,” Wu Lingtian said. “This was part of her plan. These puppets were not only an indestructible force, but would also act as a mole.”
Silence descended over the meeting room.
“If a puppet happened to take over a position of power, that means that sect is now under Rong Meihua’s control.”
“Wait, how could a puppet take control so easily?” Zhou Ying’an asked.
Wu Lingtian met Zhou Ying’an’s gaze before slowly withdrawing it. “In Drifting Clouds Mountain Sect, there are about forty elders. Their job is to make sure the sect master does now stray and that the sect continues to run smoothly. Yet, after the death of Sect Master Wang, those forty elders no longer showed their faces. Why do you think that is?”
Zhong Renyi paled. “They…”
“They became experiments,” Wu Lingtian said. “I wasn’t involved, but I saw them with my own eyes. Those people are long dead. The ones that came after used my method, so it became more difficult to decipher if they’re human or puppet.”
Fan Yi sat up. “A-Tian.”
Wu Lingtian looked over.
“If it was your method, that means you worked on them personally, right?” Fan Yi asked. “Could you remember which sects are safe and which aren’t?”
“I might,” Wu Lingtian said. “However, if this is truly a trap, I fear that Rong Meihua wouldn’t be stupid enough to send over puppets I personally made.”
“But what if she thinks you’re still under the effects of Drunken Dream?” Tian Xiewen pointed out.
Wu Lingtian shook his head. “She knows I’m not.”
Everyone stilled.
“Drunken Dreams is the leash, but the true collar is the Gu in my soul. Each tug and summon is a test. Since I haven’t been reacting, she will already know that I’m due for another round of Drunk Dreams,” Wu Lingtian said, a wry smile on his face. “Therefore, if this is a trap, she would not use the puppets I worked on.”
Zhou Ying’an’s expression had turned ugly. Situ Hong’s knuckles had turned white from how tightly he gripped his folding fan. The others showed various degrees of discomfort, but Zhong Renyi was the first to speak.
“Then, how do you suggest we go about this?”
Wu Lingtian shook his head. He turned to Fan Yi. “It’s up to you.”
Fan Yi was resting his chin against the palm of his hand. When Wu Lingtian suddenly turned to him, he only raised his gaze.
Wu Lingtian frowned. He stood and knelt in front of Fan Yi. “Is it acting up again?”
“Mm,” Fan Yi hummed.
Wu Lingtian took a hold of Fan Yi’s hand, his brows knitting. He stood and looked at those around the meeting table. “We’ll conclude here for today.”
“What? But we haven’t reached a conclusion,” Zhong Renyi said incredulously.
Wu Lingtian helped Fan Yi from his seat. “We can try again in a few hours.”
The group watched Wu Lingtian lead Fan Yi out.
Only when the two men were long gone did Situ Hong speak. “Was I the only one who didn’t notice anything was wrong with Sect Leader Fan?”
“…Yi-ge looked the same to me,” Tian Xiewen said, rubbing his nose slightly.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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The meeting resumed about an hour later, but Fan Yi was missing from the room. Wu Lingtian didn’t take Fan Yi’s seat, but the materials that were previously presented to Fan Yi were in front of Wu Lingtian. The silence in the room made everyone feel depressed.
“In fact, it’s easy,” Wu Lingtian said.
The others looked up.
“Right now is when Sect Leader’s Frost Poison is the most potent. He shouldn’t be leaving Qingyao Manor for a period of time. Shijie and I will disguise ourselves as Sect Leader and another Pillar to scout out these so-called neutral sects,” Wu Lingtian said. “We’ll be away for a period of time though, since it takes a few days to figure out of something is human or puppet.”
“Wait, why can’t we just go with you?” Tian Xiewen asked in confusion.
“Sect Leader is currently indisposed. Aside from you and Ren-jie, he doesn’t trust many other people with his problems,” Wu Lingtian said.
“So, you’re just afraid he’ll suffer in silence as usual,” Ren Yizhou said, a small smile on their lips.
“Qingyao Manor is now Screeching Sparrow’s temporary base. Where the Pillars are, so there is the sect. It would be best if the three Pillars remain here to take care of sect business,” Wu Lingtian said.
The others resisted the urge to scoff or roll their eyes. It was obviously just because Wu Lingtian was afraid Fan Yi would be uncomfortable without his own people by his side.
“I agree,” Zhou Ying’an said, though she only agreed because there didn’t seem to be another option. “It’ll be the easiest for Lingtian and I to move around too since we know Xianping very well.”
“I’ll let you borrow my visage,” Ren Yizhou said, lightly patting Zhou Ying’an’s hand.
Tian Xiewen glanced over with a raised brow. “Why not mine?”
“How can you suggest a girl to act like a sweaty, brutish man like you?” Ren Yizhou clicked their tongue.
At this, Tian Xiewen’s mouth clamped shut. Well, what could he say in his own defense?
“But are you sure you should go?” Zhong Renyi asked. “After all, Fan Yi chose this route because he didn’t want to get you involved.”
Wu Lingtian smiled slightly at Zhong Renyi. “Since he’s unwell, I should take back the responsibility I pushed away, right? It’s not like I can continue running forever.”
After a few more words, the meeting ended. Wu Lingtian remained in the study to tidy up Fan Yi’s work, but another person remained.
“Lingtian.”
Wu Lingtian glanced over his shoulder. He set the papers down and smiled. “Did Shijie need something else from me?”
“Well, we didn’t really talk early today,” Zhou Ying’an said with an awkward smile. She gestured towards the seats behind them. “Let’s sit first.”
Wu Lingtian fiddled with the edges of the manuscripts before leaving Fan Yi’s desk and reluctantly sitting down. Zhou Ying’an glanced at him, amused that he was acting as if he were sitting on pins and needles.
“Everything you want to say, I already know,” Wu Lingtian said. “In fact, nothing else needs to be stated. I won’t change my own opinion and I understand you and Xiu Lan don’t blame me.”
Zhou Ying’an looked saddened. She sighed and held her head as her eyes reddened. “I’ve really failed as your shijie.”
Wu Lingtian’s eyes widened. “No, you haven’t. You—”
“I have. I didn’t notice anything that was going on. If I had paid a bit more attention or stayed around the sect more often, then I would have seen something was wrong. Our lives are too long. Once stretched to this point, all the minute details feel negligible. I thought life just changed you and I hadn’t thought to dig more,” Zhou Ying’an said. She rubbed at her eyes and slowly breathed out. “If you say you’re the only one to blame for Da-shixiong’s death, then I’m also responsible. And I’m responsible for not noticing how odd Da-shixiong was acting. I didn’t even notice he was already gone.”
“She’s good at acting,” Wu Lingtian said weakly.
Zhou Ying’an let out a soft giggle. She glanced at Wu Lingtian. “What I wanted to say is…we’re all at fault to some degree. You did what you could at the time and that should be enough.”
Wu Lingtian couldn’t bring himself to look at Zhou Ying’an. It wasn’t just the guilt of losing his da-shixiong, but the guilt of wasting all those human lives and still getting no results. He made himself a murderer, but the thing he wanted to protect was still snatched away. Without that thing, he was no longer someone who did everything he could to keep something safe. He was just monster. If all reasons were removed and they just looked at the deeds, wasn’t he the same as Rong Meihua?
He was manipulated, but how much of himself was willing to carry out such acts without the brainwashing? Wu Lingtian would never find out. But that was the part of himself that scared him the most. And now, with the Gu constantly stirring in his soul, he couldn’t tell his emotions apart anymore.
But how could he explain this? If he tells others again, they’ll be worried. But what would their worry do for him? Will it solve anything?
It seemed like everyone in his life found him the most pitiful, but it was Wu Lingtian who thought he was the least pitiable. He had it all. He had riches and power and now allies and friends, but he was still so useless. How in the world could someone like this be pitied? Why did everyone care about him so much?
When his memories were still lost, he appreciated the concern. It was warm. But now that he remembered everything, he just felt discomfort. He knew he was sad, but he just felt discomfort. He knew he should be angry at Rong Meihua but he just felt discomfort.
Maybe the only thing he could feel clearly was Fan Yi’s love. And that was just through perseverance.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Wu Lingtian could feel his emotions folding on itself again, just as it had when Rong Meihua first caught a hold of him. Except, this time, it wasn’t because of the Gu. It was because of himself.
“Lingtian?”
Wu Lingtian looked at Zhou Ying’an. “Shijie, you don’t need to comfort me. I understand.”
Zhou Ying’an’s brows furrowed. “I don’t think you do.”
“I do.” Wu Lingtian pushed the chair back and stood. He paused a moment and then looked back at her. “Thank you, Shijie.”
Zhou Ying’an stood as well. She lingered in the room, long after Wu Lingtian and turned back to his own duties. She eventually left, but when she left, she didn’t return to her room. Eventually, she was knocking on a door. The door opened and the man inside raised a brow.
“Zhou-shijie, visiting a man at this hour of the day is not too good. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Situ Hong spoke these words and moved to close the door, only to have it slammed open again. His hands jumped away from the door and he stepped back as Zhou Ying’an pushed in and closed the door behind her.
He sighed, his fan flourishing as he briskly fanned himself. “What would others think if they saw this?”
“And why do you care? It’s not like you’re a pure, milky maiden,” Zhou Ying’an said, glaring at him. “This is why you get bullied by the others all the time. I don’t know how you fooled the entire cultivation world to think you were competent.”
Situ Hong’s ears warmed as Zhou Ying’an sat down. He coughed lightly and sat down beside her. A fresh cup of tea was eventually placed in front of Zhou Ying’an.
“Why did you come looking for me?”
“I wanted to ask you about Lingtian.”
“I don’t know anything about his situation. It would be easier for you to ask Sect Leader Fan or even the disciples of Screeching Sparrow Sect,” Situ Hong said. He paused a moment before he took a sip of tea. “They’re the ones who helped him.”
Zhou Ying’an pursed her lips. “I’m not here for that. I just wanted to ask you if he feels off.”
Situ Hong glanced at her. “Of course, he does.”
“Do you think it’s the Gu?”
“The Gu has lost its hold on him. I’ve already looked into that kind of thing. It needs to be linked with a heavy hallucinogenic in order for it to work. Wu Lingtian hasn’t been near any and it certainly wouldn’t have been given to him by Rong Meihua,” Situ Hong said.
“So, then, why’s he acting like this again?” Zhou Ying’an asked.
“The human heart is mysterious. Don’t you ever wonder how some people carry out the evilest deeds without batting an eye?” Situ Hong asked.
Zhou Ying’an frowned.
“It’s because of their past. Many were abused, others didn’t live good days. People neglect them and they realize only they can fend for themselves,” Situ Hong said. “It’s a survival instinct to detach yourself. Lingtian…should be similar. He spent so many years experimenting on souls—imagine how torturous it must have been for someone who initially became a cultivator to save people. But if you don’t feel, then how could it be torturous? If you ignore the aching in your heart and tell yourself you’re just weak, wouldn’t everything be easier?
“And Lingtian has always been that kind of person, even before Rong Meihua ruined him,” Situ Hong said, a sad smile on his face. “He can empathize with others to a horrifying degree, but when it came to himself, he would never understand why anyone was pitying him. You know, I’ve never seen him cry. Even when he was covered in bruises and had a few broken limbs, he would just sigh over his bad luck and get over it. But it’s someone abusing you—how could that be just bad luck?”
Situ Hong looked at Zhou Ying’an. In the low light of the candle, she could see how pained he was for his best friend. Tears pooled at the edges of his eyes, but didn’t spill. He smiled bitterly.
“It’s not just you,” Situ Hong said, “but a lot of people could have helped Wu Lingtian or saved him. We just thought it was okay, because he always acted like it was okay. Then, it was too late. It’s a good thing Sect Leader Fan got there in time. I think…even if we had found out earlier and tried to save him, the results wouldn’t have been the same.”
Zhou Ying’an wandered out of Situ Hong’s room in a bit of a daze.
The results wouldn’t have been the same. Then, what could have changed it? If Zhou Ying’an had been older and understood more things, could she have saved Wu Lingtian?
“Miss Zhou?”
Zhou Ying’an snapped out of her thoughts. She looked up at Fan Yi, who was carrying a multilayered lunchbox. She forced a smile. “Are you going to Lingtian?”
Fan Yi nodded. “I woke up and it was already night time, but he wasn’t back. He’s still in the study, right?”
“He should be,” Zhou Ying’an said.
Fan Yi hummed. “Thank you.”
Zhou Ying’an watched Fan Yi for a couple of paces before she heard herself call out. Fan Yi pause and turned to her curiously.
Snow had begun to fall. The white sheet of snow that had been tainted by footsteps began to slowly regain its majesty. Fan Yi pulled up his hood and looked at Zhou Ying’an’s stilled form. His expression softened and he let out a long sigh.
“There are many paths you can take as you live life,” Fan Yi said. “No one has ever chosen a hundred percent of the right paths. My mother once said that it’s okay to have regret. Regret is one of the few things that tell us we’re still living—that we’re human. It’s just important to not let those regrets consume you. Even if you have regrets, you have to continue moving forward.”
Silence settled between the two people, just as the snow began to pile on top of them. Eventually, Fan Yi turned and left Zhou Ying’an.
He returned to the study that was still lit by candles and pushed the doors open. Wu Lingtian was sitting on the table, cross-legged as he poured over the maps and manuscripts Zhong Renyi and Fan Yi had been discussing just earlier this morning. When the door opened, Wu Lingtian looked up.
“Yishan?”
“You should eat,” Fan Yi said. He began to unpack the lunchbox. “I made your favorites.”
Wu Lingtian frowned. “You should be resting.” He glanced outside. “And it’s snowing. What if you get sicker?”
“I’ve lived with this illness for a long time. I won’t get sicker and I won’t die. What are you worried about?” Fan Yi clicked his tongue. He set out the bowls, plates, and soup and looked at Wu Lingtian. “Eat.”
Wu Lingtian slid off the table and sat down across from Fan Yi. He lifted his chopsticks and carefully tasted every dish. After a sip of soup, his body began to warm. Fan Yi watched him, silently piling food into Wu Lingtian’s bowl until it was overflowing, before he began to eat as well.
Wu Lingtian finished eating before Fan Yi was done. The man stood from his seat and rounded the table to sit next to Fan Yi. Fan Yi glanced over with a raised brow.
“I’m still eating,” Fan Yi said.
“I won’t be in your way,” Wu Lingtian said, still waiting patiently.
Fan Yi sighed and lifted his arm. He waited for Wu Lingtian to snake his arms around his waist before he continued eating again. He playfully rested his arm against Wu Lingtian’s head. “How is this not being in my way? Look at your big head.”
“It’s your armrest,” Wu Lingtian said, murmuring against Fan Yi’s abdomen.
Fan Yi set his bowl down and used on hand to eat. The other rested on top of Wu Lingtian’s head, gently stroking his hair. “Tired?”
“Mn. Too many people.”
“I thought you liked it lively,” Fan Yi said.
“…I do.”
Fan Yi’s brows furrowed slightly. He finished his food and placed his undivided attention onto Wu Lingtian. Wu Lingtian had closed his eyes, allowing Fan Yi to toy with his hair.
“You’ll get better,” Fan Yi whispered. “You’re just readjusting. The you from before and the you now are the same person, so you don’t have to worry.”
Wu Lingtian’s eyes opened. He looked up at Fan Yi. “How did you know I was worried?”
“I’m the round worm in your stomach,” Fan Yi said, pinching Wu Lingtian’s nose.
Wu Lingtian shifted slightly and pulled Fan Yi down to his level. A soft kiss was pressed to Fan Yi’s lips. It lingered, but lacked the intensity that Wu Lingtian’s kisses normally carried. Fan Yi glanced at Wu Lingtian as the other man pulled back.
“But you can’t leave me.”
Fan Yi hummed. He could feel the warm fingers against the back of his neck. “I won’t leave you.”
“If you leave me, then I really can’t anymore,” Wu Lingtian said. “I really…really can’t.”
A/N: i have not been great at editing these ahead of time LOL ummm this is a heads up–we have four more chapters until the main story is over!! but there’s still about…give or take another 10 chapters of extras, going a bit into the side characters’ backstories, so look forward to that 😌 (and thank you to everyone who’s read and commented or supported me monetarily so far. your support means so much to meeee)
I think one of my favourite parts about this story is how much we get to see Wu Lingtian’s process of healing, how hard and slow and non-linear it is. I too often see these struggles as short, brushed off plot points or just never really acknowledged at all, and this is a nice change of pace even if it hurts. Thanks for writing and sharing!
😭😭😭 thank you so much for saying that! i was actually quite hesitant when i started writing WLT like this, because i felt people might dislike him or think he’s wishy-washy but this makes me feel more confident in my portrayals ;-; thanks for reading!
agreed!!!!
I can’t imagine how Wu Lingtian would cope without Fan Yi, but I don’t think he was going to come to him voluntarily, before. The rescue at the beginning (still my one of my favorite parts) had to happen if Fan Yi was going to save him in every way.
😭