TN WARNING: I trust that readers that came over from NU will have read the tags, and understood that this novel deals with mental health issues (as can be guessed in the summary). This is arguably more of the main topic than romance is (though of course there is that too). The topic is taken seriously, and not fleetingly.
For those that will be triggered by paranoia, intrusive thoughts, depression and schizophrenia, please take care and use the back button if needed. There are more trigger warnings for latter chapters that need it, so I will end here.
1.
Once I had finished teaching myself the civil laws, I decided it would be best to go and see a doctor—a therapist to be exact.
According to the forums online, I’ve self-diagnosed that while I may not have schizophrenia, I’m at least sure that I have a serious case of paranoia. This is extremely evident.
I’ve already progressed from fearing that my enemies will assault me to fearing that enemies I’d made ten years ago will assault me.
One is an enemy whose foot I had stepped on, and another is an enemy who I had insulted once.
I’m of the opinion that they will first go to the communications company and bribe the workers, then hack my phone signal and place a tracking device in it. That way, they can come and find me, and beat me up.
How terrifying.
Other than being extremely paranoid about being violently attacked, I’m also afraid that the whole world wants to scam me out of my money. They’ll use a million different tricks to frame me, for example, taking my signature which had been carelessly signed in public or my ID and use it to forge a cheque for ten thousand yuan. Although ten thousand yuan isn’t that much, it’s also not a petty sum either. What if they make ten copies? Then what’ll happen to me? What if they make a hundred?
Another example is if they were to hack into my computer, or place cameras and listening devices inside my lamps and air conditioner. Then, they’ll frame me for every goddamn thing.
I’ve already extensively studied the laws and regulations for a long time. Better safe than sorry, after all, what if the lawyers are bribed by them as well? I can only rely on myself.
2.
Not only that, but I have a strong case of OCD. I’ll recap the lid of a cup ten times because I keep thinking that if the position of the lid is wrong then it will affect my fate.
My big brother watched as I ritualistically capped the lid of my cup ten times, then went out after saying, “Are you crazy?”
He was right. I had a problem.
I should go see a doctor.
3.
I simultaneously am a procrastinator.
So I didn’t manage to go see the doctor on time. I don’t even want to schedule an appointment.
4.
Going online and searching keywords, I saw that a lot of people said that you could only be cured through medication.
I suspect that they are all bot accounts that were bought to advertise the medicinal companies products.
But I was a little bit interested.
If I wasn’t cured even after taking medication, then at least I would know that there was no hope for me anymore. And at least at present I haven’t given up on myself yet, so I think that there’s still hope for me.
Even though I think that life is hopeless, I still think that I still have hope.
All words and sayings just become one key phrase, no matter how shitty, staying alive is the most important thing.
I don’t know how a person who is as careful and loves living as me can get this kind of mental illness. After googling around, it seems like all the patients with this are all filled with despair and some even try and commit suicide. But, no matter how I think about it, all my fears come from not being able to continue living. If I went and committed suicide on top of everything, then what the heck would the point be anymore?
From this perspective, perhaps I don’t have schizophrenia.
5.
I don’t know about others, but when I was younger I liked to label myself as depressed and whatnot, that way it would seem as if I would get special treatment or meet interesting people.
But as it turns out, many years later my childhood friend would only use a loving, patronizing gaze towards me and say that at the time he had just thought that this kid was stupid.
My childhood friend is the one who’s an idiot, ok?
6.
Speak of the devil.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
My childhood friend’s calling me.
He asked me where I was, I said that I was at home. He asked me if there were others with me, I said apart from this beautiful young man there wasn’t anyone else. He then said to open the door.
I went to open the door.
As soon as the door opened, he stuffed a bouquet of flowers into my arms, then stuffed himself into my arms too.
I hurriedly stopped him and shoved him away, then went out the door and very carefully observed the surroundings. After being sure that he had dropped nothing, and that some sneaky, evil gust of wind didn’t take advantage of the few seconds that I’d kept the door open to blow in and blow my ID card out of my safe and out the door, perfect for some evil-intentioned person to come and use it in some nefarious plan.
Don’t ask me why my ID card which I had locked up in my safe would bizarrely be blown out.
I suspect that someone could pry open my safe within three seconds.
And so I closed the door ten times.
Only after doing this did I sigh in relief.
I feel like staying inside everyday is the safest option.
7.
My childhood friend watched as I locked the door ten times, sighed and asked, “Are you ever going to finish?”
I didn’t say anything but I was hurt. And emphasized it so he would see.
He hugged and kissed me, then said, “Don’t be afraid, if you actually do go bankrupt at least you still have me.”
What the heck are you saying?! Bah!
But I was still very touched.
8.
My feelings lasted until my big brother came home and very ruthlessly said, “You don’t have a childhood friend, or a boyfriend.”
Oh.
I know.
I just wanted to make myself feel better.
My big brother rubbed my head, hugged me and said, “But you still have your big Bro.”
9.
The above is a lie too.
I do have a big brother, but my brother and I aren’t very close. The story is basically that my mom caused his mom to die of anger, then the second mistress caused my mom to die of anger, then he caused the second mistress to die of anger.
My big brother presently put an end to the root of all evil–our dad’s inheritance, by taking over the company and taking it all. Then he kicked me out of the house.
But it’s not as if I went insane because of this. Actually, it might be hard to believe, but I used to be a pretty cheerful and positive person who was hardworking and tried to make my own fortune through my own efforts.
And then my boyfriend took the thirty thousand offered by my big brother and left me.
Thirty thousand yuan.
I don’t even know what to say.
This was so fricking shallow! I’m only fucking 19, but I can already earn eight thousand eight hundred yuan a year! If you gave me three more years, then thirty thousand would just about be earned!
As if this wasn’t enough, why did my big brother only give thirty thousand?! Didn’t you say you were earning a hundred thousand per hour?!
As if this wasn’t enough, that scum should have at least given me some of the money! Even if there’s no love anymore there’s still business! If you didn’t have me could you have gotten this thirty thousand yuan?! You can’t forget those who helped you!
10.
Of course, this also isn’t the reason why I went crazy. After all, that scum only tricked me in terms of emotions, he didn’t trick me out of my money or was after my body.
After that, because of a series of reasons, I got sick.
This is also why I haven’t gone to get medical help.
I’m not sure how much meds and long term therapy will cost.
I don’t have money, but I still have to pay for my little siblings’ school tuition. They are a set of dragon phoenix twins. They go to a boarding school elementary which, while not expensive, certainly isn’t cheap either.
I just don’t get why my big brother would rather give that scum thirty thousand than give it to me. One's own fertile water shouldn't flow into other's field. If he gave me the money, then the outcome would have been the same, I would have immediately left that scum and become a scum myself.
Whatever, my mom caused his mom to die of anger after all.
11.
I question if I’m really crazy, or if I’m really just poor.
12.
When in need of money, the only thing to do is work hard and earn it.
13.
I found a new part-time job. After finishing work I directly went to the KTV parlour to work as a janitor.
On the first day of work, I saw some gangsters harassing someone, and it was a disabled person.
That disabled person was pretty tall, and pretty handsome, and pretty fashionable, but unfortunately he was a stutterer. A stutterer who was sitting all by himself in a KTV parlour singing karaoke.
What joie de vivre. I should learn from him; we should all always love life like this. On this front he can be said to be much healthier than me.
Because it was a weekday there weren’t that many customers today. The whole KTV bar was pretty quiet in comparison to usual, so when a few drunk customers passed by the room they stopped and listened for a while. Then, they started laughing like idiots, pushed open the doors of the room and went in to crowd around the stutterer.
“This. Is m-my karaoke room. Get out.”
“Sing another song! Oh wow, a stutterer is singing! How can you sing?”
They pretended to stutter while singing, then laughed uproariously.
The stutterer didn’t say anything, and looked down at his phone.
The gangsters went and grabbed his phone, then yelled, “What the fuck are you trying to do?”
This was too much. But I’m a coward, and I’m too afraid to call the cops, so I could only run out and forcefully smash the casing of the fire alarm.
Thankfully there weren’t too many people today.
Everyone ran over and asked what was happening. Those gangsters also rushed out, super panicked and asked what happened. Was there a fire? Where is the emergency exit? They asked as they got ready to run for their lives.
I think I may not be able to keep this job.
I felt really guilty. I shouldn’t have been so rash. Also, I was very afraid that the KTV owner would hit me.
Mostly afraid that he’ll hit me.
14.
The manager really did want to hit me after getting to the bottom of the case.
And then he got a mysterious phone call.
His attitude changed and dragged me back to the room. That stutterer was still there, and was picking out songs.
The stutterer saw that I’d arrived, then asked, “W-what’s y…y-your name?”
I said, “Zhang Qiang.”
The stutterer visibly paused at that.
The manager said, “His name is Ren Yigu.”
Don’t expose me! I already think that this stutterer isn’t a normal person! What if he thinks that I was being too nosy and decides to get back at me?! Then what?! When we’re in the JiangHu, it’s just best to have a few pseudonyms to protect yourself, okay?!
The most inhumane part about this KTV bar is definitely that it can’t simply pay staff in cash, and requires that we fill out a form listing our bank account and other personal information.
The stutterer looked at me for a while, then asked, “Do y-you. Know. How to s-sing?”
I know how to draw and embroider too.
No, I don’t know how to embroider, I only know how to patch up my little brother and sister’s clothes.
It felt like I was like Cinderella. Hopefully my prince isn’t this stutterer, after all, the feeling of doom coming from him was too strong.
15.
I very reluctantly sang a song for the stutterer.
After I’d finished he didn’t clap, and just said, “I’m. Xue Yaozu.”
I hurriedly said, “Hello Chairman Xue.”
In truth, I didn’t recognize him.
I was just afraid that he’d hit me.
Although I don’t know why he would hit me, this world has many people who are ungrateful after all. My brother’s mom took in my mom as a housekeeper out of the goodness of her heart, then somehow me and my little siblings were born.
Xue Yaozu looked at me for a while, then said, “I. Was y-your. Classmate.”
I immediately panicked, this was exactly like a conman’s tricks. I don’t want to get pulled into a relationship with someone I just met, who knows how they might hurt me. People have so many tricks up their sleeve, after all.
Xue Yaozu said, “Y-your brother. Said that you. Went overseas.”
My big brother is very particular about appearances and keeping face, so he of course couldn’t say that I’d come out of the closet, and neither could he say that he’d kicked me out of the house. Now even if we were face to face he’d probably be able to calmly, without a hitch say, oh, you look a lot like my little brother, but he’s gone overseas.
Xue Yaozu asked, “W-why. Are you. Here?”
I cautiously replied, “I’m working.”
He asked, “W-where do you. Live now?”
I cautiously decided to suddenly become deaf.
Xue Yaozu said, “Y-you don’t need to be. Nervous. I’m not. A bad guy.”
Nonono dude you’re practically oozing from head to toe with an aura of NOT A GOOD PERSON! And the aura of the henchmen that suddenly appeared outside the door are also screaming that you’re not a good person, okay?!
Xue Yaozu said, “I can. Help y-you.”
Who the heck are you?!
I cautiously replied, “Thank you, no thanks.”
16.
Xue Yaozu insisted on personally sending me back home.
He even went as far as to find someone to call the company and get my address.
So terrifying.
But it’s not like I have a choice.
He said, “Y-your. Place isn’t that bad.”
Was he here to scout out the place?
I cautiously said, “This place belongs to my friend, I’m borrowing it, I don’t have any money nor a house.”
Xue Yaozu looked at me, then asked, “Y-you don’t need. To pay rent?”
“He’s a good person, seeing that I’m so pitiful, he didn’t ask for rent.”
I’m really truly pitiful, so pretty please with a cherry on top don’t harm me. I beg you.
Xue Yaozu looked at me again and asked, “Can I. Help. You?”
“Thank you, no thanks.”
Nothing comes for free, so it's either a scam or robbery.
I’m mostly worried that he’ll rob me.
Rinrin: so that’s the first chap!
Hope everyone likes it. And just to make certain, yes this novel deals with some mental issues, and not just as a comedy for slapsick jokes. For those who might be triggered or feel uncomfortable, please be careful and always remember this is fiction. On that note though, there’s no explicit descriptions and as someone affected by suicide and depression, I don’t think that most people need to worry. This author didn’t push limits without care.
Also, I’ve already mentioned this a few times, but anyone who can, go and support this author Your唯 (and you don’t need to use coins, just commenting ‘nice’ or ‘写得好’ （well written), or giving moonstones/etc helps too!)！ This novel and a few others are free too.
This has successfully captured my full attention to the point that I ignored my nieces for the amount of time it took me to read xD
I’m curious about what is real and what is not real. Does he really have younger siblings? Who does the house belong to? Is the man good? Why does he want to help?
Thanks for the chapter! <3
Glad you enjoyed it! I really love this story, and was totally immersed when I first read it as well (I think I did an all-nighter to finish)!
I see that you’re on your toes bc of the mc’s previous unreliableness huh hhhhhhh (The first time I read the no actual boyfriend followed by no loving big brother I go whiplash SOOO hard hahaha)
Hope you enjoy the holiday special 2 extra chapters!
This is definitely going to be an interesting one…
Camping!
I camp everyday on this website on multiple stories.
I smell fluff!!!!!
I really shouldn’t be laughing, I’m sorry
But I’m a little nervous ngl. The way the book is written so far is like diary entries. It’s like his life is being read so it might mean that Mc died, went insane and is stuck in an asylum or Mc and Ml died and the brother found Mc’s diary and is reading it while regretting life
And this just makes me really scared cause bad endings emotionally break me and it’ll take a while before I recover
“I question if I’m really crazy, or if I’m really just poor.”
I feel this for real. I wonder if I would have less anxiety if I didn’t have to worry whether I have enough money to cover my expense next month or the month after that or after that.
Thanks for the chapters!!
I really like this but why is it numbered like a list?
Some novels have this way of writing. It’s mostly short stories that are in 1st person. It’s the protagonist describing things and events more rather than real dialogue. Kind of like a diary~
Some novels have this way of writing. It’s mostly short stories written in 1st person. It’s the protagonist describing things and events more rather than real dialogue. Kind of like a diary~
Oop i send it twice yikes
Yup, that’s right.
For this, the numbers are also kind of a sectioning format…it’s as if it’s a blog post (well, there’s a chinese story format that uses this, and it’s made through threads–a bit like twitter thread stories) Another cn novel that has this format (and is very very famous) is ‘I ship my Adversary X Me’. So each numbered section is almost like a mini chapter, and the things in it go together, whereas there might be dramatic pauses once another numbered section starts or something. Ummm…hope that makes sense, my brain is fried from a whole day of tling hhhhh
Thank yall both for the info
I don’t know if i should laugh or cry lmaoo😭😭 This has me HOOKED
Thank you for the chapter!!!💜💜
Thanks for your hard work!
Cute, kind of… 😆.
So the big brother took over the family and kicked his half-siblings to the curb? What a guy!
now i think Yigu and Yaozu is kind of cute aaaahhh!! thank u for the chapter~
Bro you got it hard
Randomly funny and kinda crazy, but i like it. Made me smile all the way. Definitely want the whole story now. Thanks Author .
Aww our protag seems really sad >.< Can’t wait to see how things slowly get better for him 😀
Rooting for Ren Yigu already. He has so much to take on and still so young 🥺
Intrigued by Xue Yaozu, who seems to know Ren Yigu.. Thanks for the chapter 💕
💙💙💙
im really impressed, the author has been pretty accurate with the portrayal of ocd and paranoia so far. and i like that mc is likeable instead of being a pitiful uwu rabbit, he’s jadedly witty like my friend who also has ocd and paranoia. ty for translating!
This chapter leave me impression like MC imagine alot of thing in his head so I don’t know if all this is real or not.
Since translator put warning in the beginning, I read it with different tones and it really become depressing. If you didn’t know better, it will be really funny and cute. But I had severe communication anxiety, so I kinda get the urgency of Ren Yigu when he really truthfully wanted to end the conversation.
I wonder if he truly had little siblings though? Is the place really a friend? Did he had friend? And did he really had no money for treatment or just didn’t want to get treatment because he also didn’t trust doctors?
Thank you . I enjoyed this chapter. Can’t wait for the rest.
The OCD part hits me hard. For example, if I touch my nail, I have to touch all of my nails 3 times.