Before attending university, Tong Qiu had never thought that he would become a teacher. At the time, it was a career that terrified and repelled him and to him, the term ‘teacher’ was too great a responsibility for him to bear.
But when it came time for his university entrance exams, he was all muddle-headed and actually registered for a teacher’s training college, and was just as muddle-headed when he somehow managed to finish a postgraduate degree. All the way up to graduation, he considered switching majors but his own teacher’s words had already changed his way of thinking.
His teacher had said, “I’ve fasted and prayed for thirty odd years but I still believe that my greatest achievement was being a teacher.”
Tong Qiu had sought his teacher out for a heart-to-heart before his internship, and had admitted the one thing that had always troubled him. His teacher had said, “Do you know what has been the happiest moment of my entire life? It was when, one day, someone on the street suddenly called out to me and when I turned around, it was a student that I had taught twenty years ago. I couldn’t even recognize him and yet he had remembered me. Many people will pass through our lives and our paths may only cross ephemerally, but the fact that I was able to help my students construct the stage that they would spend the rest of their lives standing on is an unparalleled blessing.”
It was true that one’s path will crisscross briefly with many others and that human lifespans are short to begin with.
However, Tong Qiu had let his own student’s life slip through his fingers.
When Huo Zhixing knocked on the door, Tong Qiu was standing by the window, staring off into space. He felt as if his guilt would swallow him whole.
He opened the door and Huo Zhixing asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Taking in the view.” Tong Qiu flashed him a weak smile. “The view here isn’t as nice as the one before.”
He meant the house that the two of them had lived in together.
Huo Zhixing gave him a gentle pat, then set down the alcohol and took off his jacket. “I was able to change shifts for May 1st. Should we leave on the night of the 30th or set off on the morning of the 1st?”
There was about half a month until the holiday, and it was fortunate that he would get half a month to adjust his mood. It wouldn’t do to show up at his grandfather’s birthday celebrations with a long face.
“Let’s leave on the 1st then,” Tong Qiu said. “We don’t have to put ourselves through any late-night travelling.”
“Alright then.”
In the time it took Huo Zhixing to go to the bathroom, Tong Qiu had already cracked open a bottle and began drinking.
Huo Zhixing went over and sat next to him. He gave Tong Qiu’s leg a hard squeeze and said, “Slow down.”
Huo Zhixing couldn’t drink, so he dug out a bottle of coke from the fridge. Tong Qiu smiled at him and said, “You seem just like an underaged kid.”
“Underaged kids these days can sure hold their alcohol,” Huo Zhixing said. “Yesterday, Zhao Heyu and the others brought back a couple of kids who had gotten into a brawl. They were only about fifteen or sixteen and every one of them reeked of booze.”
At the mention of underaged kids, Tong Qiu couldn’t help but think about his students.
He lowered his head and drank his alcohol dejectedly. Huo Zhixing’s heart ached just watching him, but he didn’t know how to comfort him.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
They sat on the rug in the living room. The lights hadn’t been turned on and Tong Qiu was sprawled atop the coffee table. After only a few gulps, he had already drained a bottle of beer.
“P kjr abb oeii bo wsrfio, yea atf ageat lr, P mbeivc’a fnfc qgbafma ws bkc raevfcar.” Kbcu Hle’r tfjv kjr oliifv klat atbeutar bo Wljb Bfgjc. Vtf kjr j ulgi bo bcis rfnfcaffc – nfgs qgfaas, nfgs delfa, jcv nfgs tjgvkbgxlcu. Kbcu Hle tjv cbalmfv atja Wljb Bfgjc kjr rbwfbcf klat atbeutar atja kflutfv tfjnlis bc tfg tfjga, yea tf tjv atbeuta la kjr pera j affcjuf ulgi atlcu. Coafg jii, affcjuf ulgir jikjsr tjv j iba bc atflg wlcvr jcv jr j wjif afjmtfg, la kbeiv qgbyjyis wjxf atlcur kbgrf lo tf qglfv abb wemt. Rbk, tbkfnfg, tf kjr oliifv klat gfugfa.
“Tong Qiu,” Huo Zhixing watched as Tong Qiu opened up another can of beer. He took Tong Qiu’s hand and said, “There are some things we can’t accomplish, no matter how hard we try.”
“I understand, but the fact is that I didn’t even try.” Tong Qiu was overcome with regret and shame and took a large gulp of beer. However, the alcohol could not relieve his burden. “Zhixing, I always used to tell you how proud I was. I was proud of being a teacher, a teacher that all the students liked.”
He set down his beer and gripped Huo Zhixing’s arm. “But I now realize that I’m not fit to be a teacher. What should I do?”
Tong Qiu was the type that disliked crying and there were very few situations that would make him tear up. The last time he had cried had been when he and Huo Zhixing had slept together for the first time – it had been because it had been too painful and the tears had begun flowing before he even realized it.
Now, however, he couldn’t hold back his sobs. It wasn’t that he felt wronged – there was nothing for him to feel wronged about. It was that he had let Xiao Keran down, and had not lived up to his ‘teacher’ title.
“Xiao Keran chose to do it at the research building where no one goes to during lunch break,” Tong Qiu said, closing his eyes. He chugged half the can in one breath and continued, “you probably heard about it already, but when she jumped, she landed right in front of a student that was passing by. That student had a heart attack and is still at the hospital.”
Huo Zhixing gathered Tong Qiu in his arms and pressed a gentle kiss against his forehead.
He’s never seen Tong Qiu like this, so fragile that he seemed he would shatter from a light touch.
Huo Zhixing had always thought of Tong Qiu as someone who was extremely capable of bearing burdens. No matter what happened, Tong Qiu could resolve a problem calmly and methodically. Tong Qiu had said it was something that all teachers were trained for.
But now, Tong Qiu seemed like he was starting to fall apart.
“I feel like I’ve been so useless.” One of Tong Qiu’s hands was squeezing the beer can while the other was clutching the front of Huo Zhixing’s shirt. He squeezed too hard and the half-empty can of beer spilled over from the opening, covering his entire hand.
Huo Zhixing used his fingers to wipe at Tong Qiu’s tears and he said softly, “Let it out, I’m right here.”
While Tong Qiu was in his most fragile state, Huo Zhixing realized that the only things he could offer were a hug, a shoulder to lean on, and a pair of hands that could comfort him and wipe the tears from his face. He didn’t really have the right to speak about the matter as he hadn’t been a participant, but at the same time, he knew that Tong Qiu wouldn’t be depressed continuously and simply needed an outlet for his feelings right now.
Tong Qiu didn’t know how long he cried and in the end, he wound up in Huo Zhixing’s embrace, drinking sips of beer as his tears continued to fall.
Later, he lay down in Huo Zhixing’s lap and fell asleep. Huo Zhixing, who hadn’t had a drop of alcohol, gently and carefully carried the drunk Tong Qiu to the bedroom and tucked him in.
He tidied up the living room and then gave He Hongtao a call to ask about Zou Kai. Unfortunately, they had made no headway.
He then returned to the bedroom and stayed by Tong Qiu’s side and with eyes still open, he accompanied the restless Tong Qiu for the rest of the night.
—
When Tong Qiu woke up the next morning, his eyes were as swollen as a pair of walnuts. Huo Zhixing made breakfast for him, and then tried his best to reduce the swelling.
“My head hurts,” Tong Qiu said, “I’ll have to check if there’s any aspirin in the house.”
“Don’t drink so much next time,” Huo Zhixing said, gazing at the pitiful Tong Qiu before him. “If Feng Kaiwen sees you like this, he’ll think I beat you up again.”
Tong Qiu smiled a little, but didn’t speak.
After they finished eating and changing, the two set off for work. Before parting, Huo Zhixing said, “If anything comes up, give me a call.”
Tong Qiu nodded his head. “Don’t worry, I’m only this pathetic when I’m around you.”
—
Tong Qiu was still a bit apprehensive when he entered the school. He didn’t know how to face his students, but when he arrived at the classroom door, he realized that everyone was sitting quietly at their desks before class had even started, their heads bent over their books.
It wasn’t clear if their studying was effective, but at the very least, there wasn’t a peep.
Feng Kaiwen tilted his head to look up at him and Tong Qiu said, “Feng Kaiwen, come here for a second.”
Tong Qiu took Feng Kaiwan to the end of the hallway and asked, “How is everyone?”
How students acted when their homeroom teacher was and wasn’t around were very different. It had nothing to do with whether they were on good terms with the teacher and was an inevitability.
“Uh…that is…” Feng Kaiwen said, “No one has the heart to study right now.”
It was as Tong Qiu feared.
“Tong-ge, I heard it was because Xiao Keran couldn’t take any more beatings from her dad, right?” As the words left his mouth, the young man’s eyes became red. “The truth is, I actually saw it happen once. It was near the school entrance and we were coming back from dinner during the break between our evening self-study sessions. We saw her dad grab her by the hair and drag her towards an alleyway. And then me and Kan Yue ran over to stop the fight but for some reason, the way her dad cursed her was really awful.”
Tong Qiu had never heard Feng Kaiwen mention something like this and his heart stung as if it were being jabbed by needles.
“During this afternoon’s class meeting, please tell everyone that things at school might not be very peaceful for the next little while,” Tong Qiu said. “As the class representative, please keep an eye out when I’m not around and try not to let anything happen.”
“Don’t worry, I got it,” Feng Kaiwen said. “What about you, Tong-ge? Are you gonna be okay?”
Tong Qiu gazed at him questioningly.
“Actually, we’re all scared that you won’t teach us anymore,” Feng Kaiwen said, his head bent. “Yesterday, we overheard students from the other class say that the teacher that let this kind of thing happen had to take responsibility. We won’t let you go, though, and if anyone is giving you trouble, is there anything we can do to help?”
Suddenly, Tong Qiu thought about what his own teacher had once said, that what had made him proud was the fact that a student had still recognized him in the street many years later, and that his students had always stood by his side.
“What trouble can anyone give me?” Tong Qiu said. “You lot are almost about to write your entrance exams. I’m still waiting for you guys to make me proud!”
Feng Kaiwen nodded his head vigorously, “Then you can rest easy. Our class average will definitely go up under my lead!”
Tong Qiu smiled, “It better.”
“Tong-ge, I have one more question,” Feng Kaiwen said. “Do you think death will…free someone from their burdens? There’s only two months until the entrance exams, couldn’t she…endure it a little longer?”
When it had happened, Tong Qiu had pondered over the same question.
Many situations may appear to outsiders as something that you could simply ‘endure until it’s over’. However, they may not be able to imagine that every single day that passes may be a day of pain and suffering for the victim.
If one were to read between the lines, Xiao Keran’s letter was filled with her disappointment in life itself as well as her need for revenge. It was her way of dealing a final blow to her family. However, in the end, who exactly was at the receiving end of the blow?
“No one can truly insert themselves into the mind of another person and achieve total empathy. Perhaps what we think we understand of her pain is barely one percent of the actual pain she endured, do you understand?”
Feng Kaiwen didn’t really, but he nodded anyway.
“You can go back now. I’m going to drop by the office and if something comes up, come find me immediately.”
“Okay. Tong-ge, don’t blame yourself too much either. It wasn’t your fault.” Feng Kaiwen gave Tong Qiu a bow, then turned and headed back to the classroom.
Tong Qiu stood in the hallway and gazed out the window.
It was already mid-April and spring had arrived. The sun was just right and there were bits of green beginning to sprout. However, his student had chosen to leave during spring – she hadn’t even waited until the first flower had bloomed.
The garden across from the building had two peach trees. They were close to the north and the peach trees only bloomed in May. The flowering period was quite short and when the peach blossoms were in full bloom, the students would fight to take photos of the flowers between classes. Third years were especially eager, and had begun to treat it as a symbol – when the peach blossoms bloomed, the entrance exams would not be far off, which also meant that their freedom was almost in reach as well.
Tong Qiu remembered that when winter had just begun, he had seen Xiao Keran standing in front of the barren peach trees. He had gone over to chat with her and at the time, Xiao Keran had said that she was looking forward to seeing the peach blossoms flower again because it would mean that spring had finally arrived.
It was a pity that she hadn’t been able to wait long enough to see it.
Why hadn’t she waited?
Tong Qiu was afraid to think about it further. He patted his pocket and suddenly realized that he didn’t have any cigarettes to begin with.
Translator’s note
Here’s another chapter to make up for the fact that I hadn’t updated in a while! Still at a pretty melancholy part (and not gonna lie, I almost teared up a bit translating it T___T). Updates should be back to being weekly going forward, thanks for being patient! 🙂
Once again, I just want to stress that the police officers depicted in this novel are very idealized and shouldn’t be confused with the atrocities that IRL police officers have committed. I understand that novels are an escape for many people (myself included), but if you do find the time I encourage you to learn about BLM and racism/police brutality faced by black and POC communities.
thank you for the chapter! Tong Qiu ;__;
Only the one suffering knows What they are feeling. It’s sad.
Tong Qiu shouldn’t blame himself.
Thanks for the chapter!
This is… directly hurting me where it’s at. And I actually did tear up, myself. Hope Tong Qiu won’t let this plague him forever.
Thank you for the chapter.
Thank you for the chapter!!!
🙁
I have to leave a comment because that’s just… and Im so sorry for TQ but i wonder how XKR’s classmate feel…
Thanks for the chapter € * ^*)/ ~~ ♡♡♡♡♡
Again, the author did a great job in this chapter, and good maunnieh translating it so well!
Everyday when you’re in pain it feels like an eternity and you can’t see the end and when you do make it what if you’re unsuccessful what was the point of waiting, more painful memories?
We’d never know how hard it is to walk in another’s shoes….poor kid, from a third person pov enduring is the best choice but how long has the person in question endured for. Even though it’s just a novel, my heart goes out to the poor girl. But death really isn’t the best choice 😭😭😭
I am really convinced that Feng Kaiwen is Tong Qui son he really likes him so much
That’s so sad TT^TT
Thank You for the chapter ♡(ŐωŐ人)