Days passed unnoticed without finding the right answer for Ippei.
During that time, as usual, I had forgotten everything except Ippei’s face, but this hopeless feeling and that blissful pleasure were unforgettable.
I couldn’t even contact Ippei, and of course, there was no contact from Ippei either, as I was unable to find a proper answer.
Should I decisively distance myself while the wound is still shallow… or should I continue to meet Ippei while managing it well…? Regardless of the choice I make, I can’t convey these feelings to Ippei.
Everything is new, and no matter how much I think about it, I can’t come up with a satisfactory conclusion.
If I were to be fulfilled by something else, would I forget about Ippei…? If I find something else, will these feelings towards Ippei disappear from within me…?
After finally being unable to endure these feelings alone any longer, I became somewhat reckless, and it was as if I was being invited somewhere, so I headed to a certain place.
* * *
The place I arrived at was a [Gay Bathhouse], a place I had never visited since meeting Ippei.
It was a discreetly run hot spring in the middle of the city, equipped with sauna rooms. However, it was famous in a sense for being a hot spring mainly visited by men seeking pleasure.
Although I had visited seeking only pleasure before meeting Ippei, I should have distanced myself from such places and online forums after meeting him, knowing happiness beyond mere pleasure. Yet, for some reason, my feet were moving on their own towards it.
I shouldn’t be seeking Ippei.
I shouldn’t fall in love.
So, it must have been because I had convinced myself that if I were satisfied with pleasure, something would surely change, that I ended up doing this.
I arrived at the hot spring of the Gay Bathhouse with somewhat heavy steps, received a locker key at the reception, exposed everything I was wearing, and entered the sauna room.
Was this really the right thing to do…?
I no longer know what to do.
While there were people in the rest area and washing area, it was unusual that there was no one in the sauna room I entered.
Some were already washing up afterward, while others were waiting in the rest area, posting on the bulletin board, hoping someone would come.
It was at that moment, when I started to sweat gradually in the sauna, that it happened.
*Clack…*
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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And those encounters usually ended in that instant. It could be said that everyone gathered there for the sake of one-time pleasure.
Like the encounters with Ippei, I always took a passive stance. I would be touched by the other person, and if there were no objections, I would be led into pleasure. That was my usual approach.
Today was supposed to be the same.
Our legs touched as he sat beside me, and then his hand reached out towards me… Huh, what’s this…??
For some reason, his hand was swiftly pulled back and then extended towards my shoulder, reaching out towards me.
“A-Are you okay…?”
“W-What… what do you mean…?”
What’s going on…?
I couldn’t quite understand the words he was saying.
“…Isn’t that sweat, isn’t it…?”
“…Eh… Why… W-Why!!”
Yes, at the moment when he was about to touch me, I found myself shedding big tears along with the sweat flowing down due to the heat.
Why can’t I stop crying so much…? I’m just seeking pleasure, so why…?
Neither my body nor my heart can be satisfied by anyone other than Ippei anymore. I understand that, even about myself. So, the moment a stranger touched me, I couldn’t help but think of Ippei…
“…I-I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Did something happen? Is something bothering you?”
“…”
“…Anyway, let’s get out of here for now. You’ll get overheated, and it’ll only get harder to bear like this.”
“…L-Leave me alone, please…”
“I can’t just leave you like this! Come on, let’s go!!”
I was half forcibly grabbed by the arm by the stranger, and as he insisted, I found myself being led to the rest area.
“Is your arm hurting?”
“…I’m okay… I’m really sorry…”
The stranger and I sat down next to each other in the rest area, wrapping a bath towel around my waist.
“If you’re okay with it, would you like to talk to me?”
Why did I have to tell my feelings to a stranger…? I’ve never even thought about telling someone about my feelings, wanting them to leave me alone, to gently leave me alone, even to someone I’ve only had a physical relationship with.
But, why…? Right now, I’m in so much pain, and I feel like I can’t solve these feelings alone. Maybe I wished for someone to listen to me and support me.
However, this love should not bear fruit. It shouldn’t be fulfilled; it shouldn’t be wished for. And it’s not normal to show love to anyone looking from the outside.
Still, my heart had reached its limit.
“I think you’ll be repulsed… But will you listen to me?”
“Yeah, I’ll listen. So, go ahead and let it out?”
I poured out everything with tears flowing endlessly—my feelings for Ippei and all the events leading up to this moment.
“…So, that’s what it was…”
“Falling in love with someone who already has someone important… It’s really tough, isn’t it…”
Falling in love with Ippei, whom I thought was just a physical relationship, and realizing that he has someone important to him… And yet, I can’t shake off my feelings for him…
I love someone but am unable to confess it.
Wanting to be closer but unable to fulfill that wish.
It was at that moment. Slowly, he took out a cigarette from his locker room and began to light it.
“Here, have a smoke.”
“…How did you know I smoked?”
“I could smell a hint of cigarettes from you.”
I accepted a cigarette from him with those words as I put it in my mouth, and he gently lit it for me. Then, as he exhaled the smoke, he softly spoke.
“I don’t think your feelings are strange.”
“…Huh…?”
“Feeling so deeply in love with him that it hurts because you can’t reach him, that’s just heartbreaking.”
“…Yes…”
“…Because I feel the same way…”
As he sat next to me, accepting my feelings and then sharing his own, my scattered thoughts slowly began to come together.
“…W-What do you mean?”
“Well, I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m actually married.”
“…Eh…?”
“I got married to a woman, Beta, when I was younger than you, and we had children. I suppressed my true feelings for the sake of others’ opinions.”
“…”
“Still, I was happy. It was supposed to be happiness to have children and watch them grow with my wife… But my true feelings weren’t there.”
“…”
“When my children grew up and left home, for some reason, the gears in my heart started to go awry. I started questioning if it was okay for me to age like this…”
“…So, that means…”
“You catch on quickly… Yes, even now, I still have someone I love deeply and can’t help it… And that person also has a family…”
Sad reality 😢