By the time Shan Yutian is able to return the boil-sanitized length of tubing, Song Bai has joined Zhou Xiwei in the sickroom. Shan Yutian feels a flash of something that he doesn’t know how to parse– Protectiveness? Greed? It doesn’t feel like something he should experience, but-
But he’s seen enough to know that as fascinated as Zhou-ge is with his brother, he came here with a deep love already buried in his heart. His brother almost didn’t go for it, all because he was worried that Zhou-ge and this guy were destined! And hey, it would be unfortunate but okay, if Zhou-ge and Song Bai were already together.
But for whatever reason, they aren’t.
They weren’t when they showed up here and they shouldn’t be after–
Song Bai had his chance!
He was blessed enough to have years to spend monopolizing Zhou-ge! Now, it was too late, and he shouldn’t interfere and confuse things! He shouldn’t sit so close to Zhou-ge, and he shouldn’t casually brush his shoulder like that or whisper in his ear–
It’s not like Ding Dongqi will be bothered by them sitting apart and speaking at a normal volume, okay?!
Zhou-ge and his ge are good together, and everyone’s happier, and there’s so much less blood and viscera being thrown about. Zhou-ge should be a couple with his brother, or with-
Well, no matter what, this Song Bai shouldn’t try to wedge in!
He’s not being childish! (He is). He doesn’t secretly have his own quiet little crush on Zhou-ge, influencing his emotions! (He does). He just wants everyone to be with who they’re meant to be with, and Song Bai is just too casual with Zhou-ge, given that, for some baffling reason, doesn’t want to be Zhou-ge’s person!
Shan Yutian’s just trying to make sure that everyone is happy and protected and no one ends up heartbroken!
(That, at least, is honest).
In a move that would be called rude in anyone else, this normally demure child slides right between Song Bai and Zhou Xiwei, presenting the tubing like a present while doing his best to block the interloper with his small body. And to talk up his brother, because his own secret feelings can’t hold a candle to his heartfelt desire for Shan Haoyu to finally be happy.
“Zhou-ge, here it is! I’m sorry for the delay, we wanted to make sure to sanitize it so that Mr. Ding won’t have any discomfort or danger! And my ge- he had to help comfort Xu Wang over some things, but he wanted to make sure you weren’t waiting, so he asked me to run it over to you with his apologies as well.”
Comfort him over a lot, but I’ll… Leave that to someone cleverer to break to you.
Shan Yutian rejoices at the way Zhou-ge’s eyes soften at the explanation. Ha!
Sure enough, his ge is holding his own in the war for Zhou-ge’s heart! Zhou-ge notices and cares about his little acts of service, even when right next to the competition!
Behind Shan Yutian’s back, Song Bai’s eyes sparkle with mirth at his puffed up appearance.
He very generously scoots his chair back so that the boy can better become a wall between the two of them. The scrape of the chair is enough for Shan Yutian to turn and notice. And to catch the small smile on Song Bai’s lips.
…Okay, now he feels a little bad. He blushes at his own impromptu rudeness and gives a small cough.
“Oh, sorry Song Bai! I was… distracted by my errand. My apologies.”
…He just smiles more broadly. Ack!
Okay, he can kind of see why Zhou-ge liked the guy. Before he met someone better!
“No offense taken. Everyone likes being close to our little XiXi, I can hardly monopolize him”
Shan Yutian can feel the heat creeping up his neck.
Any thought of sticking around as a third (fourth?) wheel to protect his brother’s claim flies out of his head. He flees the room. He can’t help it, unless his brother is in real danger, he’s a very soft person, and that was already the extent of his churlishness. Now that Song Bai has taken his temper so well, he can’t really do anything else, and if he sits here, the awkwardness will become unbreakable.
It’s better to just go back and focus on the endless pile of dishes and laundry that’s created by having so many houseguests, with so many clean habits. Why, that Madame Song, she changes her bedsheets every single week! And her clothing twice a day, just like her husband does! He’s never seen anything like it, especially not since the calamities started.
It makes normally tidy Shan Yutian wonder if he’s actually a slob, and it’s only in comparison to his brother and Director Xi that he comes across as clean? Has he been fulfilling the slovenly bachelor archetype all along? Even with his cleaning schedule and his aprons and his careful scrubbing?!
Yes, these existential laundry-based questions are much better to focus on than the complications of his brother and Zhou-ge. He’s definitely right in running away!
—
Song Bai lasts just long enough, holding in his laughter ‘til they hear the bang of the screen door at the front of the dormitory. Zhou Xiwei rolls his eyes and lightly slaps his outer thigh.
“Hey, don’t tease him.”
Song Bai widens his eyes, seemingly completely innocent. “Me? Wasn’t I the one being snubbed just now? Ai, the bigger your harem grows, the less space there is for me as your brother. Tsk, tsk.”
Zhou Xiwei sputters and chokes. “Harem?! What harem-?! That’s a child! A child who was just eager to complete a chore and do a good-” Zhou Xiwei looks down at the tubing and remembers the errand. Fuck, Ding Dongqi– What if he’s hungry?
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
He stands up and starts greasing it up, like Xu Wang showed them all for emergencies. Normally, he wouldn’t want to do this himself, wouldn’t want to do it ever, but given that Xu Wang was now an accomplice to attempted murder… while also being the person that kept the ‘attempted’ from dropping…
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(Actually, he ends up having to turn away pretty much the minute it goes in).
Thankfully, Zhou Xiwei’s bizarre luck continues to hold.
Xu Wang had let them know all about the failure rate and the difficulties of intubating without a patient who can swallow on command, but somehow, it all comes together and Zhou Xiwei is able to get it done on the first try, without help, without hiccup.
Bizarre doesn’t mean he’s ungrateful.
He’s grateful that Ding Dongqi is still alive, and that his early waking– however brief– suggested that he might not be hopeless. He’s grateful that the tube went in the way it was meant to, and there’s no bleeding or choking or foaming air as he hooks the nutritional bottle back up. He’s grateful that when Song Bai belatedly tries to help and their fingers brush, he doesn’t feel the familiar rush of shame-tinged delight.
He just feels like Song Bai’s fingers are a little warm.
And then Zhou Xiwei moves on, not even registering the kind of moment that would have been the highlight of his night just a month before. Song Bai’s praise for him is genuine, and appreciated, but that’s all.
“XiXi, you’re really good at this. Maybe you should have gone to medical school?”
“Ha. Yeah, then I could add surgery-recovery hotels to the family offerings.”
“You know, that’s… not a bad idea. Even just plastic surgery would-”
Zhou Xiwei blanches and hits him in the face with a slightly sweaty towel.
“No! I’m kidding, I’m kidding, you absolutely aren’t allowed to seriously suggest that to Auntie and Uncle!” Even when he pulls on Song Bai’s arm and forces him to swear not to say anything about ‘XiXi’s brilliant idea and the initiative he’s showing about the family biz’ –
Even then, there’s no spark. There’s just brotherly affection, the kind that Zhou Xiwei’s never been able to keep pure before now, and Song Bai’s always been seeking. Song Bai must sense the difference that they’ve never come out and talked about, because he is delighted.
Sitting to ‘hang out with Old Ding’ turns into chatting with Zhou Xiwei, about the island and the craziness that they’ve experienced, about how his mom is going Mahjong mad and he’s worried they’ll have to keep an eye on her once they’re on the mainland, about how cute it is, to watch Shan Haoyu moon over Zhou Xiwei, and for ‘XiXi’ to be just as obviously infatuated.
There’s an ease between them that’s been missing for a long, long time.
Song Bai actually pumps the air, when Zhou Xiwei recounts to him Ding Dongqi’s clear gaze, for just a moment, and shares with him the hope that his friend might come back after all, even from this dreadful injury and with only the aid of the most cobbled-together medical care.
He… papers over the events that led to the need for Ding Dongqi to be rescued. No reason to make things unpleasant, when things are still up in the air and they’re all still stuck living together. No need to sour the mood.
Even when Shan Haoyu finally appears, Zhou Xiwei just smiles and motions for him to pull up a chair. Like it’s completely natural for the three (four?) of them to spend the rest of their afternoon together. Like they can all belong in the same world.
—
Sitting together is a new experience. More intimate than sharing a table at meals.
Just the three of them. Him, Zhou-ge, and the person that Zhou-ge is… probably still in love with?
No pressure.
Shan Haoyu knocks his knees together like a child sitting at a new table for the first time in the cafeteria.
Natural as can be, Zhou Xiwei reaches over and squeezes one of his disobedient knees, smiling easily. Shan Haoyu raises his eyes and can’t help but widen his stance, encouraging Zhou Xiwei’s hand to travel ever so slightly towards the very bottom of his inner thigh.
He can’t help but feel giddy when no censure comes. When Zhou Xiwei squeezes and keeps chatting about the parakeets that he keeps hearing in the trees. There haven’t been birds in this place for a long, long time, but with Zhou-ge around, it doesn’t seem far-fetched.
Shan Haoyu straightens his spine and covertly watches Song Bai. For what? He’s not sure.
Maybe he wants to see Song Bai’s reaction to Zhou Xiwei’s intimacy towards him. Maybe he’s relieved, when all he sees is the thoughtfulness of someone evaluating their friend’s new person. Even if it’s bewildering, it’s nice to not see much (any?) jealousy there, or any power plays to get Zhou-ge’s attention back.
If he grew up with Zhou Xiwei, he’d do everything he could to keep his affection, but Song Bai seems to be made differently than he is. Another turn of bizarre luck, though he can’t imagine how anyone could be indifferent to someone so fascinating.
The afternoon gives him more time to evaluate his rival. To try to see what’s so amazing about the guy, that he could hold Zhou-ge’s attention for so long, that he could win the affections of someone so wondrous, seemingly without trying. Familiarity can’t explain all of it, and whatever Zhou-ge wants–
If Shan Haoyu can just figure it out, he’ll give it to him. Give it to him in spades, give it to him everyday, in the hope of being enough to convince him to stay.
Song Bai is taller than him. Song Bai has broader shoulders, and fairer skin, and he smiles more easily. Just like Zhou Xiwei does, but more– more knowing? Like he’s been out and seen the world that the rest of them have missed, but he doesn’t look sleazy. Just- confident.
There are a lot of points of comparison, and Shan Haoyu isn’t sure that he wins out on any of them. He knows himself– he’s gloomy, provincial, and his brain is fucking broken. He’s stuck on this island forever, and no matter what he does, he can’t put on weight. And he’s too old for a growth spurt.
He’s not like Song Bai at all.
Other than being demonstrably crazy about Zhou-ge, he really doesn’t seem to have any way that he can measure up? But he can try to be the best version of himself possible. He can try to keep the island in line, and try to keep the rest of them from running towards disaster. He can work on being more stable, more open, more the kind of person that could make a matching set with Zhou-ge, instead of looking like someone he picked up out of the goodness of his heart. He can be a little more careful in his dressing, and can finally cut his hair like A-Tian is always suggesting.
He can listen and appreciate Zhou Xiwei’s lovely chatter, so that he never again feels insecure about his likes and his natural talents. Even though it’s completely out of his wheelhouse, Shan Haoyu does his best to talk about birds and books and the other things that he can contribute, to conversations about island things.
To their credit, Song Bai and Zhou-ge never talk about anything that he can’t speak on. They don’t exclude him with stories of their shared lives back home, or about museums that he’s never set foot in or technology that he’s never held.
It’s-
Well, it never rises to the level of nice, but time with Zhou-ge is time with Zhou-ge. And it helps humanize Song Bai, making the specter of him loom a little less large. Of course, once Song Bai excuses himself with a knowing look, there’s a new specter to deal with…
Turning around and explaining to Zhou-ge that Xu Mei was dead.
Without making him terrified of him, or the island.
He kind of wishes Song Bai had stayed. Huh.
—
Zhou Xiwei may not be the most demonstrative person, but he’s intuitive.
Intuitive enough to feel how Shan Haoyu’s mood shifts during their afternoon together, from stiff and stressed to calm, and back to nervousness as Song Bai winkingly excuses himself.
Zhou Xiwei rubs Shan Haoyu’s knuckles and, after once more carefully shifting around Ding Dongqi and checking that he’s at ease, drags Shan Haoyu to the bed on the other side of the narrow room. Not for anything wild! Not with a patient in the room! Just so that they could sit more closely, and treat it as a couch.
Maybe he’s imagining a little nuzzling and kissing, but that’s all. Honest!
Even that ends up not being in the cards.
Shan Haoyu moves his hand and starts softly squeezing each one of Zhou Xiwei’s fingers, like he’s completing some sort of ritual. Zhou Xiwei wiggles playfully and the room descends into a silence that Zhou Xiwei considers companionable.
But Shan Haoyu must have some thoughts brewing, because he opens (and closes) his mouth half-a-dozen times. Each time, Zhou Xiwei is infected with a little bit of his nervousness. He hopes that he didn’t somehow misstep by hanging out with Song Bai? It shouldn’t be- it’s not like they were-
Fuck! Unless Shan Haoyu really is psychic? What if he can read minds, instead of just getting hunches about the future? Then, wouldn’t that mean that he could know about his feelings — former feelings? He’s not sure? — But if Shan Haoyu somehow knew about his old, hopeless crush, then that could certainly-
He doesn’t want him to think that he’s a stand-in, or anything dogblood like that. He really likes-
“Xu Mei passed away this afternoon.”
Zhou Xiwei’s thoughts take such a sharp turn that if he was driving, he’d be rolling over, all the way off a cliff.
Death-
Death is a lot different than messy emotional entanglements. Those can get better, but death is just-
Death. Zhou Xiwei freezes corpse still, like death is contagious. Shan Haoyu squeezes his hand and squeezes out more words. “I’m sorry, Zhou-ge. I- at the start, I told everyone that actions have consequences, and-”
“How?”
Shan Haoyu’s hand feels cool in his palm. His voice sounds faraway. Zhou Xiwei hates it.
“She slipped and got caught under the boat they’re trying to repair. Drowned.”
“Does drowning hurt?”
“…Not the way she drowned. Not much.”
Silence descends again. Now, no one could mistake it for companionable. Zhou Xiwei feels like he’s fallen into an icy cellar. Shan Haoyu is right there with him, but for the first time since they connected, Zhou Xiwei is uncomfortable.
Uncertain that it’s a good thing, to get so wrapped up in a stranger.
After all, it’s not like they really know one another. And-
“Did you know? What was going to happen? Like with Old Ding?”
“…Yes.”
Zhou Xiwei waits for a mitigating circumstance. Something that makes the impossible admission less grim. But Shan Haoyu doesn’t defend himself. He just waits, like a man standing at the gallows, and Zhou Xiwei is the hangman holding the noose in his hands.
He withdraws his hand and focuses on his breathing.
He needs time to process.
“Can you go?”
Zhou Xiwei can feel Shan Haoyu’s pleading eyes on him, but he doesn’t look over. He just feels his heartbeat speeding up, each thump expanding the cracks across the surface of it. Eventually, there’s the dip of the mattress as Shan Haoyu gets up, throws him a lingering look, and quietly leaves.
When the door finally clicks closed, Zhou Xiwei feels the old tears welling up. The old fears claw their way to the surface. His fear that anyone who is out of his sight is in danger, in this world that is a fierce and uncaring place. The fair that somehow it’s his failure that is leading to the separation. And mixed in is a new sense of despair, a sense of loss–
Fuck, but he likes Shan Haoyu so much.
But how can he like someone who can know someone is going to die, and not intervene to stop it? How can he-? How weak is he, to wish that this day could rewind, and he could wake up this morning without ever leaving Ding Dongqi?
He left, he gave her the chance, she killed Dongqi, she was killed in return–
He’d rather the blame rest solely on him.
If he’s just been smarter, if he’d just been the kind of person to stand his ground and send the lady away instead of falling over himself to serve… Then she’d be alive! No murder, no retribution, right?
Everything would be fine, and no darkness would be exposed. He could stay happily ignorant. His biggest problem could still be knowing when to take the next step with Shan Haoyu, instead of worrying about how to save him from himself, or if he even can. There wouldn’t be any deep questions, just instinct and affection.
Zhou Xiwei curls up on the bed and pulls the covers tight. If he didn’t owe Dongqi proper attention, he’d tuck himself into the cupboard like that weak little boy again. Instead, he’s just a pathetic puddle under the blankets.
A man? Him? What a fucking joke.
—
Across the field, Shan Haoyu is in a similar state of disarray.
At first, on instinct, he’d gone to his room. Gone to crawl under the desk, back flat against the wooden floorboards, to look up at the filth and remind himself that this is where he came from, and what he deserves. He could look at those scratched out words of self-hate to be reminded of his place in the world.
He’s a murderer.
But the room– the plants, the soft blankets, the clean window and the faint scent of lemon–
Now the whole room exists to remind him of the way Zhou-ge had made this punishment into something warm and sweet and his– No. Theirs. Now, it’s the kind of place that he doesn’t want his melancholia to infect. He wants to keep it perfect and pristine–
He doesn’t want to lose control and wreck it. It might be all the light he has left.
Instead, he ends up in the old classroom past the barricade. He lays himself flat across the surface of the teacher’s desk, unsure if his regrets come from his non-intervention, or his choice to be honest about it. He’s a fool who shouldn’t have expected any different.
Good people like other good people. And good people don’t let others die. Not even if it’s fair.
Song Bai wouldn’t have.
Maybe that’s the real area where he falls short.
Maybe this is his retribution. If so, he has to hand it to the island. It’s really richly painful, without requiring cleanup. Very efficient. Profoundly lonesome.
Up and down, black cracks appear across his skin, and the heavens open.
Author’s Corner:
Everyone: Oh no, we have to watch out, Zhou Xiwei’s too in love with Song Bai.
Zhou Xiwei: …yeah, that’s what I thought too, but strangely enough…
Everyone: Oh no, he’s going to turn back to him now!
Zhou Xiwei: Can’t I just have a few minutes to process?!
Meanwhile poor Shan Haoyu and Shan Yutian are experiencing sad boy hours. But I don’t know. Feelings are weird. Even in a normal situation, they can get muddled, much less when you’re having to come to terms with the kinds of things that you didn’t even know existed a month earlier. Zhou Xiwei’s grown up in a peaceful society, where the only deaths that he has personal experience with have been natural or accidental. To suddenly hear that someone is dead via some sort of divine retribution, and that his brand-new lover knew but didn’t interfere…
I would also need some space to figure out my thoughts, to be honest with you.
nooo 😭😭 i hope they’ll get better soon omg 🥹
Thanks for the chapter ! ^^
I hope they can get over that hurdle soon enough ! They both need somewhere they can feel safe and loved
The giddy high I had with the bros relationship becoming well a bros relationship and them being so delighted about it. And then. Feelings. So. Many. Feelings.
Maybe it will occur to him that Shan Haoyu could have lied about it but didn’t. Shan Yutian blocked the wrong threat 😕.
I’m reminded of a poem I read many years ago and thought should be required reading in every law school… ‘No Necktie Party’ by Robert Service.