Edited by dreamandwonder
Sunlight came in through the tall windows. Graham’s kitchen was basked in its warm glow. But the atmosphere was so tense, the two people that occupied the space were both utterly petrified. Frozen into silence.
Han Li curled his hands up into fists. Only to uncurl them. And then he repeated the motions. But the truth was, his fingers were already numb.
“What?” Han Li’s voice sounded unintentionally small, weak even. “What did you say? You—“
“I wish to cut off our arrangements, Han Li,” Graham said, smoothly, evenly, with that stone-like expression of his and it was enough to make Han LI’s blood run cold.
He felt terribly, inexplicably cold. “Y-You want me to leave you because—“ Suddenly, Han Li found himself reeling, his anger melting with confusion, regret, and fear. He couldn’t make sense of a single thing that he felt. He needed to calm down.
Breathe. Breathe.
Graham hesitated, his lips tugging into a frown when he saw Han Li’s avid shock. It made his heart tremble, an obvious weakness born. But no, he could not afford to be swept up by Han Li’s moods, no matter how cute he acted, no matter how much Graham wished to kiss his upset away. “No, please calm down and listen. Han Li. I wish for us to be friends, that is all. Everything can still remain as it was…without…”
“…” Han Li was still in shock, quietly processing the words being said to him, and Graham’s complicated expression.
Graham looked away, his brows knitting as he searched for the proper words. But he found no way of making it sound eloquent but also clear. So he opted for crassness. “Without the sex, Han Li. I do not wish to sleep with you any longer.”
Han Li sat against the stupid kitchen counter and a part of him wanted to just stand up and walk right out the fucking door. There was a ringing noise in his ear and he thought his heart had stopped. Or wait, no, it was racing.
“…Why?” His voice minuscule, not different from that of a squeaking mouse.
And the truth was…
The truth was…
He didn’t even know why this bothered him so.
He didn’t even know why he felt like he was being crushed by rejection.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
Why he was so terrified that he could barely even move.
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Xgjtjw rwlifv, yea la kjr gjatfg ylaafg, tlr tfjv rilutais aliafv ab atf rlvf. Ljc Ol mbeivc’a ibbx jkjs. “Mbgulnf wf obg cba vlrmerrlcu atlr klat sbe yfobgf. Dea P…qfgrbcjiis jw cba mbwobgajyif klat rtjglcu ws qjgacfg klat batfgr. Po la lr sbeg klrt ab…olcv batfg clutaalwf mbwqjclbcr, la lr klatlc sbeg ogffvbw ab vb rb tbkfnfg…”
Han Li gulped, his mind was turning in circles and left him feeling dizzy.
“However, I do not wish to partake in it. Forgive me, Han Li.”
He took a deep breath and counted to five. He could do this. He could calm down.
His thoughts were wild: Think, Han Li, think. This isn’t so bad—
“…But,” Graham spoke again, “if, however, you don’t mind being exclusive with me—“
Han Li cut him off, “No. You’re right.” He blinked rapidly, forcing himself to be aware of the present; feel the cold kitchen countertop, the smell of bacon and eggs. “Sorry I lashed out at you— I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“…It’s alright, Han Li. You didn’t do anything.”
“I snapped at you. That was wrong of me. Sorry.” Han Li’s voice was calm. He felt calm. If he repeated this thought to himself, perhaps it might become true. “And…you’re right. We should have discussed this before…sorry. I— didn’t realize that you wanted to be exclusive or anything.”
“…” Wordlessly, Graham nodded. Perhaps there was something hope in his eyes. But Han Li looked away, unable to maintain eye contact any longer.
“I think breaking it off would be best— but I… I would still like to be friends. And I— I can move out too, so it’s not…weird or anything. I don’t want it to be weird between us.”
Graham made a sour face. “You do not have to move out. We can still be roommates.”
“No. I…” Han Li suddenly recalled the dilemma he had with bringing Nathan home. “Won’t it be weird if I brought someone else home?”
“…” A pause. “I see. I understand then. It doesn’t need to be right away though…whenever you are ready.”
“…Yeah. Thanks Grams.”
“But please…if there’s anything you need from me, do not hesitate to ask, my hear— Han Li. I will provide it for you readily.”
“…Hahaha…” Han Li laughed, and it was a bittersweet sound. He smiled even though he wanted to cry and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I can’t do that…You’ve already given me so much. I’m going to have to work my ass off for the rest of my life in order to pay you back.”
“You don’t have to pay me back,” Graham insisted. Even now, Han Li could get lost in those brilliant dark brown eyes. Over the years, Han Li learned that Graham was a person who was pure at heart. Who cared with sincerity, beneath the ironclad of idealism that he wore on the outside, and the stoic front he cultivated over the centuries.
Han Li loved him so, so much. “Of course, I do. Just you wait, Grams. You can count on it.”
Graham smiled wryly, but this time, he didn’t refute. The awkwardness eased between them but a new unspoken sorrow made itself at home instead.
Han Li let Graham know that he had prior arrangements and had to leave the house (despite the fact that he told Graham he didn’t have plans that day). Graham bid his goodbyes.
Even though Han Li would have to return still, for he hadn’t exactly moved out yet, when he left it felt like he was leaving for good.
That the home he left behind him won’t be the same once he returned.
When he left, he really had nowhere to go, no plans of going anywhere. Han Li was just taking a walk. New Lidway’s concrete forest was as busy as always. People milled about and traffic was terrible. Han Li got barked at by several dogs, given the up-down by more people than he could count, and was bumped in the shoulder a few times too, which were followed by both ‘sorrys’ and ‘fuck yous’.
New Lidway was the same damned thing as always.
Just the same.
It was just another day.
Han Li felt light, like he wasn’t in his body at all. And then suddenly, his legs began to feel lead-heavy. He turned into the first alleyway he saw. Lean against the wall, hunched over, and grit his teeth.
He grit his teeth and threw his fist against the wall. The bricks rattled against his strength, cracking under his demonic power.
Calm down, he told himself. Calm the fuck down.
His heart stuttered and so did his breath. The unnamable thing in his chest welled and welled until it broke like a dam, flooded.
Han Li curled in on himself. His legs gave out and he squatted down. He refused to cry, and a wheezing sound left his lips from his last effort to hold back.
Hold back.
Hold—
Han Li cried.
Tears escaped his eyes as he held back his voice, shoulders trembling like leaves in autumn.
This was for the better. This was for the better.
Roughly four years, this farce had gone on. Four years later, Han Li’s feelings for Graham subsided none. And if he didn’t do anything about it, it would have only gotten worse and worse.
Graham would have never returned his feelings anyways. Graham would never love him more than he loved Aoibhinn. It was better to be hurt now than later. At least they could still be friends.
They could be friends.
They were friends, right?
A strangled sound left Han Li’s lips and he clamped his hand over his mouth, painfully aware that only a few feet away people walked the busy New Lidway streets, for it was just a day, like any other day in the big busy city.
He wanted Graham to hold him, to kiss him and whisper sweet things into his ear. To let him know that he was his only one, his beloved, his heart.
But Graham wasn’t his lover. Was never his lover. Han Li felt so stupid, so small. Why didn’t he…just tell Graham the truth?
And the truth was the fact he didn’t want anyone else. He only wanted Graham. But he— was just too scared to admit it. Too scared of the inevitable rejection that would break his heart and shatter his already-shattered soul.
Breathe, he told himself. Breathe and count to five. Exhale.
Everything was going to be okay, just like the ambling, eternal city behind him. Nothing big needed to change.
Author: U-um…………………..Anyways! How about I distract you from wanting to kill me with some book recs? I’m not sure if anyone checks out recs! But if you do… I’ll try to do more in the future <3
The first book I want to recommend is Our Secret Storm by bickazer! It’s full of political intrigue in a beautifully crafted world. Please go check it out! And let me know if you do <3
Oh my. On one hand, I respect your choice for character development, but on the other, I dread what’s gonna happen next
n-nothing too terrible….? maybe….? o u o;;
Thankiesss for the chapter~
Okay im angry at han li and grams have this
🥖
This gets better… Right?
Ahhh author sama whyyyyyy ahhhhh mah heart
o-of course…it will…get…better!!!! ! !11!!1!1!! eventually
dies by baguette u__u
[ Breathe, he told himself. Breathe and count to five. Exhale. ]
Wahh, I totally get you Han LI. (nods) I can’t wait to see how this all turns out. # along for the ride.
weeps ;-; i-i hope you have fun…!
A rejection probably wouldn’t have hurt as much as what he’s going through right now… right? Idk man but Han Li, you gotta be honest sometimes and you’ll start to notice things you never had before 😭😭
TT_____TT i-its hard to be honest with yourself sometimesss
Han Li my boy QAQ be strong you can do it
Thank you for the chapter!!! ❤️❤️
TT m TT thank you for reading!!!!
I know this is important for his character development and all but geez the feels ! I hope he doesn’t fall prey of John Right evil schemes !
And while I feel sorry for them I am also relieved because it’s the end of something really unhealthy ! Now on the for some actions and hopefully Han LI will feel better along the way ! Yes tou love Graham but you need to leave without him !! And Graham LABELLED your feelings for f**** sake. Stop waiting for a twenty-something years old half demon with a shattered soul to do all the work for youuuuuu !!!
Thanks for the chapter !
+1 for Grams being such an old soul, you’d think he’d be more responsible hmph!
WAH PLEASE GO TO WORK T O T
o u o;;; j-john right…!
TT o TT wahhhh they have a lot to sort out…!
😭😭😭 I just want to smash both their heads together like HARD!!!
New mantra: Val promised HE. Val promised HE. Val promised HE.
Goes to distract self by reading Our Secret Storm by bickazer!
i-i did! There is a HE…somewhere! out there! OVER THe RaiNbOW wAY Up HiGH
It would be bad if Graham haven’t given him a way out of that situation but he did! And that stupid little self-harming half demon was just too damn scared to take it. And now he’s hurting himself even more with that kind of thoughts. It won’t be good for him, it will end up badly if he won’t take his chance to tell Graham how he feels. I don’t look forward to that but character development is important.
Thank you for the chapter!!!
TT m TT wahhhh if only he could admit to it out loud!! I’m sure Graham would have listened…alas…here we are ; w ;
hides knives in my coat TT__TT
TT m TT i-it’s okay, if you kill me, at least my suffering will end….!
Yes! It’s finally happened! The pain! The sufferening! chef’s kiss laughs in schadenfreude
O___O;
ahhh the classic angst maso has arrived–!!!
Dear author, please stop breaking my heart or else I’ll hate you!! 😭😭😭💔💔💔😑😑😑😔😔😔
Just joking, dear author. 😘😘😘
WAHH I’M SORRY T___T how can I fix your broken heartttt help
Aiyah, when Han Li was trying to breathe deeply to calm himself down. I was like no-no-no don’t breathe slowly it’ll just make you more nervous;;; especially since that happens to me, like I get all angry and when I try to calm down I cry instead haha;;
TT__TT really? omggg that suckss ahhh. I find if I hold my breath proper and count, it helps. But I have to repeat it a few times ; w ;
this whole chapter hurt QAQ
thanks for the chapter <3
Q m Q w-wah don’t be sad…!
<3<3 thank you for reading…!
I REFUSE to be distracted!!!!!!!!
Author-san, we need to talk!!!!!
GEHWOGJOWE THANK YOU FOR READING THUS FAR WAhhhh TT u TT;;; u-um don’t kill me yet?
It’s currently pretty obvious that Grams likes him but I heard that when two people are in love but haven’t confessed, they’re the most blind to the other’s feelings
This really shows here
TTT u TTT it’s a very awkward predicament… a-alas….
Wahhhhh!! this was soo well written.
Every time I get into situations like fights with family or friend betrayals, I would go somewhere that didn’t have people in it and then calmly say in my mind to breathe and exhale but then I just end up crying and also sometimes laughing in madness for my patheticness for caring for the people who hurt me. Huhuhu 😭 my dear child, Han Li. I feel you and It’s gonna be alright 😥
This part was well written
*
I wondered! I love this story, it’s so well done <3 So Han Li’s soul had time to heal but it’s still damaged, but there is no more pain from the damage? And does Graham know his soul is broken? He lied about it but I thought it was a bit obvious during that fight scene when he got stabbed in the chest but maybe not.
Lack of clear communication as a plot device drives me insane.
Just fucking TALK TO EACH OTHER!