He asked quietly. Soft lips landed on my hair. I relaxed my body and closed my eyes.
“I’ve been there… a couple of times. Until high school, I was still receiving financial support… from my family.”
“Didn’t you transfer schools?”
“…Yes. The new school was quite far away, so I lived alone in front of it… After the college entrance exam, I completely cut off contact. That was the first time I saw my mother since then.”
He was silently listening. I slowly exhaled the breath I had been holding.
“I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but I received a lot of love and expectations. Being the eldest son, and from a conservative family… If it weren’t for that, I might have hidden it until the end. I knew I wouldn’t be understood, and at that time, I thought something was wrong with me…”
The light beneath the curtain flickered. It was warm and comforting darkness. He was quiet behind me.
“At that time, when that happened, at the police station…”
“……”
“My mother said, if it gets big, it’ll become a rumor. …She just suggested we settle it. Quietly, let it pass as if it never happened… She said it would be good for me too. If I get stamped with that kind of thing, not just my future, but also for my family and relatives…”
His arms around my waist tightened. I slowly breathed in and out.
“It’s not a wrong thing to say.”
“……”
“Why was I upset about it back then…”
Hoping, then disappointed. Why was I so indignant? Why did the despair, like the ground disappearing beneath my feet, swallow me up? Swallowing me and never letting go.
My throat tightened painfully. I held my breath, then exhaled quietly. I calmed the trembling of my body as he held me close. The untold stories, once brought to light, pulsed red like a wound. It stung and hurt like a flowing sore.
I held my breath and closed my eyes. A question I thought had long been forgotten slowly emerged from where it had crouched. So, I asked him, murmuring like talking to myself.
“Because it’s family, was it too much to hope to be accepted in any form by them…? Was that too much of a greed?”
After asking, I regretted it. It was a childish question, and he was more mature than anyone I knew. I didn’t want to hear an answer confirming what I already knew. Without any hesitation, as if it were obvious, he answered.
“No, it wasn’t.”
“……”
“It’s only natural to hope for that. It’s the fault of those who couldn’t do it.”
I slowly turned my head. Our eyes met, and he gently stroked my cheek with his affectionate eyes.
“It wasn’t Lee Seodan’s fault. It was the shortcomings of those around him. If I had known Lee Seodan back then, I would have helped him to the end, whether it was fighting in court or personally stabbing someone. ”
Our bodies drew closer. I sat on his thigh. I held my breath.
It felt like things that had been out of place were falling into place. Leaning against his chest, I listened quietly to his steady heartbeat. For the first time, it felt like everything had come full circle. He, who always seemed to stand on the opposite side, now seemed to resemble me.
I moistened my dry lips and raised my chin.
“I also… I also, that’s why…”
“……”
“If it’s what Team Leader does, then it’s all okay.”
His sigh felt like it touched my body.
“Talking about this again?”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“……”
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I grabbed his arm and pulled him, coaxing him to look at me.
“I want to try pretending not to know and covering it up, too. Since you said there might be trial and error…”
It was quiet. I looked up and traced his face with my eyes. With eyes accustomed to darkness, I examined the contours of his face. It looked tired and somewhat indifferent. The straight line between his eyebrows was lightly furrowed.
My heart pounded rapidly. He must have heard it too. He smiled faintly after silently staring at me for a while.
“You talk well. Why is your body trembling?”
“……”
My throat tightened, and I couldn’t think of an excuse. My hips, perched on his thigh, trembled slightly.
“Where did you put the keys back then?”
He asked me directly, locking his gaze onto mine. I swallowed my trembling breath once.
“At home…”
“I told you to take them and throw them away.”
“I was going to, but I forgot…”
It wasn’t true. I thought I had lost them in the confusion of fighting and making up at the beach that day, but the keys came out of my pocket. When I showed them to him in the car, he told me to take them home and throw them away. Instead, I hid the keys deep in the bedroom drawer. It was the drawer where his toothbrush lingered before settling into my toothbrush holder. It was a dark and gloomy corner where the sunlight never reached.
“…What are you planning to do with me?”
He murmured. Still smiling, he pressed his nose against mine firmly.
“You’re afraid just to bring it up. Do you think it’s nice to pretend to be broad-minded alone? Will you accept all the desires I want to fulfill?”
“……”
“Do you know how far I can go? Have you ever experienced being spanked until your buttocks burst?”
He threatened with a stern face. I didn’t avoid his gaze and firmly bit my lip.
“Many people feel it while getting spanked, so I’ll try my best too.”
“Can it be done through effort?”
He laughed as if it were ridiculous. His folded eyes were affectionate. A light kiss fell on my lips, as light as a feather.
With a face now tinted with laughter, he said to me, “It’s true that Lee Seodan has a bit of a masochistic side.”
“……”
“But I won’t indulge in it.”
It was a firm assertion. I closed my mouth as if hitting a wall. He stroked the hair above my ear and continued.
“I’m more of the type to handle it roughly without any tolerance. It’s a relationship negotiated with someone who’s prepared for it from the beginning, not just on the bed but in everyday life as well. Without my permission, can Lee Seodan handle a life where he can’t even talk to me, and when he’s with me, he has to have a vibrator inside of him day and night and suck my genitals to go to the bathroom?”
“……”
I remained silent. My lower abdomen fluttered uneasily. He straightened his thigh and hugged me closer. With affectionate lips, he caressed the bitten wound on my neck.
“Above all, I’m too lenient on Lee Seodan.”
“…Hm.”
“I don’t even want to go that far. Dating Lee Seodan is refreshing for me, and although it’s complicated in many ways, there are many good things about it. It’s enough as it is.”
“Still…”
I protested. He covered my mouth with his palm. He said incredulously,
“Why are you so persistent?”
“…Ha.”
His pressing palm was removed. As he licked his slightly chapped lips with the tip of his tongue, he opened his eyes.
“Then let’s do it this way.”
“…Yes.”
I straightened up and sat properly. He released his arms around my back and spoke.
“I don’t plan on assigning the submissive role to Lee Seodan outside of the bedroom. Would it be okay to experiment with some mild play in sex, within the limits Lee Seodan can feel comfortable with?”
Our eyes met. Seeing his furrowed expression, I blinked.
“If it’s mild play…”
“Something like a light hand spank.”
He answered after a brief silence.
“You don’t need to bring the keys since there won’t be any opening of closets. No need to use tools either.”
As I closed my eyes, darkness loomed beneath my eyelids. Lowering my gaze to the bed, I shook my head.
“In that case, we might need to do more than that.”
“Lee Seodan.”
His voice was mixed with amusement and irritation.
“That’s something I’ve already done a lot of… If it’s just for experimentation, I feel like I need to do more. It would be better to do something similar to what Team Leader was doing before meeting me, so that I can grasp Team Leader’s preferences, and that way we can meet halfway in the future…”
He remained silent. I raised my arms and wrapped them around his back. Drawing close, I lightly caressed his cheek with mine before pulling away.
“Before, it was tough because we weren’t anything like this, Team Leader… Now it should be fine. I’ve tried it several times now, so I know what’s what…”
After a short silence, he chuckled like a deflating balloon. His body, which had been tense, relaxed in an instant.
“I’m going crazy because of Lee Seodan.”
“…”
“Okay. I understand. Now, as Lee Seodan said, let’s try it first, and then we’ll talk again.”
“…Yes.”
Finally, I relaxed my body. His fingertips gently stroked the dry skin around my eyes. Meeting his gaze, he asked me quietly.
“In the end, isn’t this happening because of me?”
“…”
“Do you have to be submerged in water before you save someone else?”
“Team Leader… doesn’t come up on the shore, you know?”
Expecting him to be angry, he laughed a little.
“Am I an alligator, waiting to come up on the shore?”
“Because I want to do it, I’ll try… If it doesn’t work, I’ll honestly tell you… If that’s the case…”
I closed my mouth, swallowing the words asking him not to be disappointed. Han Team Leader looked at my face and took a short breath.
“I’ll praise you if it goes well. I’ll say you did well and hug you, so don’t worry… Why are you still trembling? Are you scared?”
“…It seems so.”
I answered honestly. With trembling fingertips, I felt his shoulders. I grasped his smooth and warm skin, supporting myself. Fixing my gaze on his chest, I murmured.
“Team Leader on the bed… is naturally a bit scary.”
“Agreed.”
He replied casually.
“You don’t know how Lee Seodan’s face looks when scared.”
“…”
“Do you know we have to go to work?”
I blinked at his unexpected words. It was true. The light filtering through the curtains was bright. It was almost time to get ready for work, just as he said.
Releasing me, Han Team Leader stood up. He left me on the bed and headed out first, without wearing anything. His back was solid and firm. Shadows gathered around the straight line in the middle of his back. As if captivated, I sat quietly and watched. Turning back, he spoke lightly.
“Let’s do it then.”
“…”
“Lee Seodan, I think we need to see how I am when we play seriously before we can have a conversation. It’s a bit early today, and I need to prepare as well… How about tomorrow?”
Sitting between the disheveled blankets, I blinked.
“Up until now, what we’ve done… wasn’t playing?”
“Aren’t you seeing me too softly?”
Han Team Leader chuckled. His lips, drawing a nice curve, were affectionate, while his eyes, looking at me, were steadfast and mischievous. The eyes held secretive and dangerous desires that made my stomach flutter.
Without taking his eyes off me, he approached the window. He pulled aside the dark curtains, letting the bright blue light flood in from outside. Basking in the light, he casually spoke.
“After work today, Lee Seodan should go home. Rest well and come to my place tomorrow afternoon.”
“…”
“I’ll show you who I really am. Come prepared.”
Unable to meet his gaze, I lowered my eyes. My heart beat irregularly, loud enough to be heard. Han Team Leader turned away without any lingering, as if the conversation was over. He went into the bathroom, leaving me behind.
As the door closed, I burrowed back under the blanket, covering myself up to my head. I crouched down, curling my toes tightly. Whether it was anticipation or fear, an indescribable trembling ran down my spine.
