Even if there was a rustling sound, I didn’t move. He, who could open the door if he set his mind to it, remained silent. The silence lingered.
“…I’ll go. Soon…” My voice was weak. I responded calmly.
“Alright. I’ll be downstairs.” The sound of footsteps descending the stairs could be heard.
I slowly got up. Turning back to the door, I checked my appearance in the bathroom mirror. My nose was reddened, and my eyes were swollen. There were signs of tears on my face. My lips were swollen, red from being chewed on. I ran my fingers through my wet hair once more to dry it. I grabbed the doorknob and slowly opened the door.
He wasn’t visible on the stairs. Holding the towel in one hand, I tightly gripped the railing and descended step by step.
Han Team Leader was sitting at the dining table. Our eyes met halfway down the stairs. He silently gestured towards the chair opposite him. I continued down the stairs and slowly settled my swollen hips on the edge of the chair.
The dining table was brightly lit. Looking down at the wood reflecting the light, his orderly hand appeared at the corner of my field of vision. A cup with rising steam was placed in front of me. I felt his gaze on my lowered forehead.
“Handling it?” He asked indifferently. Before answering, I cleared my throat.
“I took care of it.”
“I’ve found some medicine. You can apply it after we’re done.”
“Yes.”
Then there was a steep silence again. I folded the towel placed on my knees. Cold droplets slowly fell from my wet hair. My lower abdomen ached as if it was tightly clenched. I couldn’t tell if it was tension or nausea.
I heard a sigh. Looking up, I saw him holding his forehead in his hand. His fingertips pressing against his temples were exerting a noticeable pressure.
“Are you okay?”
I hesitated before cautiously asking. He seemed worse off than me, the one who got hit, which made me worry.
He didn’t immediately respond. His eyes, visible through his fingers, were looking at me.
“Is your head hurting? Should I bring some painkillers?”
I always felt uneasy when he was quiet. As I fiddled with the edge of the table, he chuckled. It was a faint sound, like a sigh of relief.
“Lee Seodan.”
“Yes?”
“Come here.”
I stood up. Circling the table, I stood next to the chair he was sitting in, leaning slightly with his chin propped on one hand. He gestured for me to come closer. One step, two steps, as I approached, his thigh was right next to me. Then, like a vine, his arm reached out and pulled me against him.
It was a strong pull. I leaned forward, almost falling onto him. I swallowed my voice and stiffened my body. His hand, lifting the hem of my shirt, slid upwards. The warm palm caressed the bare skin of my back. He rested his heavy head on my chest, holding me close.
“Team Leader.”
“Why did you take so long to shower? I thought you drowned.”
He said in a muffled voice, his cheek pressed against my shirt, making his words unclear.
“I can smell my shampoo on Lee Seodan.”
“…The green bottle… I used it.”
“Good job.”
The position was uncomfortable. My heart started beating faster. He must have heard it against his ear. Unsure if I should push him away or embrace him, I lowered my hand. It touched his head. He chuckled. His nose against my chest was ticklish.
“Keep going with that.”
I was about to withdraw my hand, but then I placed it back. I gently ran my fingers through his hair. He lay still against my chest, murmuring softly. The warmth of our bodies, our scents. A familiar skin scent, faint hints of tobacco smoke mingled with the fresh, warm scent of grass, and the musky, primal scent of sex.
I ran my fingers through his hair, sweeping them through. I traced the back of his neck, running my fingertips where his hair met the skin. The smooth skin of his nape was warm, radiating heat.
His palm, which had been climbing up my back, continued its gentle caress. I half-closed my eyes. Suppressing any sound, his voice lightly reached my ears.
My body was pulled closer. Han Team Leader spread his legs and forcefully pulled me between them. Wrapping me with his arms and legs, burying his face in my chest, he asked in a low voice, “Are you very disappointed in me?”
“….”
I lowered my head, realizing he couldn’t see me. “No,” I answered belatedly. Even to my own ears, it felt awkward and empty.
“Were you upset?”
He asked again. Every time he spoke, my body trembled with vibrations. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“It was… disappointing to be left behind.”
After blurting out the words, I felt uneasy about the resonance, but he didn’t say anything. After a short silence, a hesitant chuckle followed.
“Yeah. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“….”
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The arms that had tightly clasped around my back loosened. As he let go of me, I retreated with weakened legs. Passing my fingers through my dripping bangs, he spoke with a straightened posture.
“Let’s talk.”
“…Should I sit down again?”
I glanced at my seat across the dining table. He nodded briefly.
“Let’s move to the sofa. Would you like more tea?”
“…Yes.”
The glass he handed me earlier remained untouched, already cooled down. Han Team Leader, without a word, picked up my glass and stood up. Following his departure towards the kitchen, I hesitantly sank into his chair. The kitchen lights spilled brightly. Sounds of boiling water from the kettle and opening/closing of the refrigerator could be heard.
The upper back he had been caressing felt tingly and empty. The warmth from his presence lingered on the chair. Leaning my arms on the table, I gently rested my cheek on them.
Han Team Leader returned with a tray and two glasses. He looked at me and said, “Are you tired?”
“No, I’m fine.”
He placed the tray on the small table in front of the sofa. Apples and oranges, cut into uniform slices, were neatly arranged with careful spacing. Putting down the teacups and coasters, he spoke again.
“Lee Seodan needs to improve his diet habits.”
“….”
“It’s good to eat fruits even when you live alone. If peeling bothers you, go for varieties that you can eat right after washing.”
“I do eat fruits.”
I retorted. Han Team Leader didn’t respond and instead skewered an apple slice with a thin fork, offering it to me. I took the fork, sitting beside him, and chewed on the apple slice he had moved towards me. As I chewed, the tart juice stung the inside of my mouth. Frowning, he took back the fork and speared another slice. This time, it was an orange.
He leaned back on the sofa, holding the teacup. He watched me intently, not taking his eyes off me. He finally spoke after a while.
“So, what do you think we should do?”
“…Yes?”
“If I apologize and promise to be careful from now on, will that settle this matter?”
To buy time, I lifted the teacup. As the warmth descended down my throat, the ache in my stomach eased slightly.
When I looked up, he was still staring at me without averting his gaze. So, I answered honestly.
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t know either.”
Han Team Leader spoke softly without changing his expression.
“I feel like I hardly know anything these days.”
Next to the fruit plate, there were also cookies in a small bowl. I leaned forward, picked up two cookies, cupped them in my palm, and leaned back against the sofa. Looking at the edge of the table instead of him, I spoke.
“If you’re angry with me or if I did something wrong…”
“No.”
He answered before I could finish my question.
“I’m not angry at Lee Seodan. I was at fault, and all the mistakes were mine. …If I couldn’t control my emotions, it would have been better to send Lee Seodan home today, but I misjudged.”
I paused for a moment and then spoke.
“Then it’s okay. After all, I… I was somewhat prepared for it.”
“What do you mean by that? Were you expecting me to be someone who can’t keep their word, even after saying it?”
“…That’s not what I meant.”
As I raised my head, our eyes met. He briefly closed his eyes and suppressed a sharp expression while looking at my face.
“I’m not trying to get angry with Lee Seodan…”
“…Yes, I understand.”
The main point seemed to be lost, and the conversation felt like it was circling in empty space. Without looking at his face, I looked at his chest and spoke.
“Before meeting me, did you have partners with whom you didn’t engage in play? Like us now, I mean…”
The word “relationship” stuck to my tongue and didn’t come out. Han Team Leader remained silent for a while. The silence lingered in the air, feeling like a subtle reminder of past memories.
“I don’t think so.”
He finally answered.
“The partners I met after starting BDSM were submissives, not lovers, and the relationships I had before that were somewhat mixed, but both I and my partners were a mess at keeping boundaries. Lee Seodan is the first person to have a completely pure relationship without play.”
With a dry tone, his words felt detached from reality. Feeling dizzy, I closed my eyes for a moment and then opened them again. He continued speaking softly, not looking at me.
“When Lee Seodan tries to leave me alone at home for the whole week like today, or when things like today happen… every time Lee Seodan pushes me away or rejects me, it feels like he’s trying to run away from me. I want Lee Seodan to be in front of me at every moment, but it’s difficult for me to accept the time without you.”
“I don’t-”
“Listen to the end. It’s not that Lee Seodan has to understand me. That’s not what we agreed upon. I need to change, and I need to fix myself… Even if I put in my maximum effort, it may take time. Until then, I’ll be more careful. In situations like today, I’ll just send Lee Seodan home peacefully instead of dragging him into bed. There won’t be such incidents again in the future.”
It was a chilling and indifferent profile. His face, facing me on his living room sofa, looked unfamiliar for a moment, as if observing from a distant place beyond. I felt suffocated by the sense of distance.
Twenty-three. That was the age he had mentioned while showing me his closet. The form of relationships he knew had solidified over more than a decade. The boundaries were clear and sharp. It wasn’t a romantic relationship; it was something else. There were different rules and balances that I didn’t know existed.
The more I looked at his face, the more uncertain I became. What we were doing seemed unclear, even in its form. The week at the beach, which hadn’t even lasted a week, felt like a long time ago.
“Why… to me…?”
“…”
“Why did you suggest having a relationship that’s not like the others with me?”
My voice came out softly. Han Team Leader looked at me expressionlessly, then squinted his eyes.
“Do you want an honest answer?”
“…Yes.”
“I don’t mind either way. In fact, I’m more comfortable with the kind of relationship we’ve had. But when you suggest doing something other than a romantic relationship, I feel like Lee Seodan might not last long and might leave.”
It felt like a blow to the chest. I tried to lower my gaze, but he added dully,
“And I hope Lee Seodan stays by my side for a long time. It doesn’t matter what form the relationship takes. As long as I can keep you close for as long as possible. Lee Seodan called it greed, and the world might call it a relationship, so I called it a relationship.”
The weight of his words fell heavily on my shoulders. Unable to meet his eyes, I stared at the sofa and said,
“But still, Team Leader, you still want to hurt me, don’t you?”
There was no answer. It was an affirmative silence. My stomach, which had been churning, seemed to drop somewhere. I took a deep breath and asked again.
“Whether you label the relationship as anything… Team Leader, you have that desire… Even if it’s not now, there will come a day when you feel that I’m not enough.”
“…”
“I also want to stay by Team Leader’s side for a long time. Even if it’s not equal, even if it’s not a romantic relationship… Whatever kind of relationship. Whatever you need…”
I choked on my words. My vision blurred easily.
Deciding to have an equal relationship might have been the wrong issue from the start. He was someone accustomed to relationships where he looked down on others, and since the moment I realized I liked him, I had been holding onto his arm. I was ready to give up everything at any moment if he turned away.
“Ah-.”
Roughly, my body was pulled closer. Han Team Leader held me tightly with strong arms and lifted me onto his thighs. Holding me close, he gently wiped away the tears from my wet eyes with his fingertips.
“Don’t go ahead alone.”
It wasn’t an angry voice. His palm gently caressed my back. I leaned against his chest, which was slightly trembling. Holding back my tears, I breathed deeply.
By the time my breathing gradually calmed down, he held me and casually said,
“I know you’re a thoughtful person, and I know where this conversation is coming from, but it seems too early to talk about this. We haven’t been dating for even a week, and the incident today was just a slip of my old habit of not being able to control myself during sex. There’s no need to discuss redefining our relationship. I’ve never felt that vanilla sex with Lee Seodan was lacking. On the contrary…”
Our lips briefly met.
“I’ve tried all sorts of sex in my life, but there’s no sex as interesting as every moment with Lee Seodan.”
“…”
“Of course, adding a light spank here and there might suit my taste better, but it’s not necessarily essential. It’s not something that’s absolutely necessary or indispensable.”
I blinked. His face blurred and then became clear again. The indifferent words accumulated in my stomach like boiling water.
“I just…”
“…”
“It’s not that… it’s just…”
It wasn’t that, it was just. Because my toes hadn’t touched the ground all week. Everything felt like a fleeting daydream that would disappear when I opened my eyes. It felt like it would all scatter and disappear if I made a mistake, if I touched it wrong.
I also wanted to stay by your side for a long time. Because I wanted you to endure me for a long time. Because I didn’t want you to turn me into a stranger. Because I didn’t want you to cut off all ties and push me back into the empty void, into the dark silence.
As long as you didn’t abandon me.
Because I wanted to stay by your side forever and ever.
“…Because I’m scared…”
I muttered unclearly, as if speaking to myself. I huddled, tail between my legs, as if staring into the pitch-black void at the end of my words. My breath was ragged. Pressing down on my trembling shoulders, as if trying to vomit out the surging emotions, I murmured again. “I’m just scared…”
He gently wiped away the tears streaming down my eyes with his thumb. A faint bitter smile appeared on his blurry face, then disappeared as he dully spoke.
“I feel the same way.”
“…H-huh.”
“It’s not just Lee Seodan.”
His arms around my back tightened gradually. I wrapped my trembling arms around his neck. In the embrace that squeezed me tightly, I didn’t know what to do and whimpered helplessly. Wanting to get closer, I leaned my body in. I pressed my lips against his neck and exhaled ragged breaths.
My body trembled with intense thirst. As if he could read my mind, he licked my neck with his wet lips, then nibbled on it forcefully. He didn’t let go with forceful bites for a long time. I stopped breathing and trembled with a tense body.
“…Ah, h-huh, aah…!”
Sharp pain pierced through me, making everything in front of my eyes pitch black. As soon as he released his lips, an intense sensation swept over me like a climax. I exhaled and pressed my trembling cheek against his neck.
As he licked over the red marks left by the bite and spoke between sobs,
“Even if I hurt Lee Seodan, be by my side.”
“…Y-yes.”
“Please forgive whatever I do… understand whatever form it takes. Even if I hurt Lee Seodan, please be by my side until the end. I promise.”
His words, spat out like chewing, were rough. He seemed restless.
Instead of answering, I raised my head and kissed him. I clumsily slipped my tongue into his mouth and licked fiercely. His kiss in return was rough and long enough to steal my breath away completely.
Before I knew it, I was lying on the sofa. There was no time to spare as he removed my pants. I helped him and lifted my hips. “I’m going crazy,” he muttered, cutting off, and inserted his hot tongue, grazing and licking my inner lips like it was a punishment. He embraced me, bound my wrists, and pressed and tied me down with the weight of his body so I couldn’t go anywhere.
The dark, murky darkness outside stuck to the window like water. I wrapped my legs around his waist as if we could melt into one with bones and flesh. I hugged him with my whole body as if we could become one.
***
It was dawn. When I woke up to a sense of presence, he wasn’t there. Dim light seeped through the thin crack in the door. I heard footsteps going down the stairs.
I sat up with my upper body, waiting until he came back. He closed the door and noticed me awake as he came in. In the dim darkness, our eyes met.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?”
He asked directly, his voice quiet and muffled. He lifted the covers and lay down next to me. I leaned my tired body into his arms.
“I woke up, and you weren’t there…”
“I went to get some water. Isn’t Lee Seodan thirsty?”
I shook my head. My body snuggled perfectly into his arms as if it had been there from the beginning. The touch of our bare skins was warm and smooth. Leaning my head against his shoulder, I closed my eyes.
I couldn’t fall asleep again. It seemed the same for him as he raised his upper body while still holding me and leaned against the headboard. I, still clinging to his embrace, half-opened my eyes and stared silently at the dark blue darkness seeping through the curtains. It was a dawn when no one seemed to be awake.
“There was a call earlier. Just now.”
He leaned over and handed me the phone from beside the bed.
“It was late at night, so I thought it might be an urgent call and was going to answer it, but I left it because I was worried it might cause trouble for Lee Seodan.”
There was a missed call on the screen. It was either a wrong call or a number I didn’t recognize. Squinting against the bright light, I looked down at the screen and turned it off before putting the phone down. He, who had been watching me, asked.
“Your sister?”
“…Yes? No, it’s an unknown number.”
“Have you contacted your mother since that day?”
I looked up. It was an unanswered question. Looking at his expressionless face, I answered slowly.
“…I blocked her number, and she hasn’t contacted me through another number… I don’t think she’ll do it anymore. …I don’t plan to answer even if she does.”
I looked up at him and suddenly burst into laughter. Now that I think about it, he met my mother. It was as if introducing a lover to my mother who had said she’d rather die than see her son bring home a boyfriend.
“Have you ever been to your parents’ house since you moved out?”
