I entered the entrance and stopped, feeling unfamiliar. Slowly, in the darkness, I took off my shoes and pushed them towards the entrance. Feeling along the wall, I flicked the light switch.
Click, the living room light came on. I stood still, holding my bag, feeling odd. The house felt stuffy and cramped. The ceiling was low, it was dark and it was quiet. It was late, but I couldn’t hear any noise from downstairs or upstairs.
I set my bag down by the entrance. Mentally counting, I realized it had only been two days. Yet, in that short time, the house felt unfamiliar.
I put the piled up laundry into the washing machine. Dry detergent powder stuck to my dry fingertips. Washing it off with water, my fingers felt slippery. I debated turning on the vacuum cleaner, but instead, I just squatted down and watched the laundry spinning round and round. I pressed my bottom against the cold tile floor.
It was quiet. The laundry inside the machine made a noise as it tangled and swirled.
It dawned on me then. It wasn’t the house that felt strange, it was the fact that he wasn’t there.
I searched around, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t in the room or anywhere in the house. Every night for the past week, his strong arms had wrapped around my waist, his familiar scent and warmth pressing against me, but now, he wasn’t there.
The belated sense of loss felt like an empty void. I opened my mouth to take a breath, but it felt like there was no oxygen.
So, I sat in front of the washing machine, curling up my body, trying to measure the physical distance between my house and his. Just a few kilometers further away felt like a significant difference, as if I meticulously drew lines on the map in my mind over and over again.
As I was putting tea leaves one by one into a cup in the kitchen, a short beep rang repeatedly. Thinking it was the washing machine, I turned my head, only to realize it was my phone. Rushing to where I left my bag, I fumbled around until I finally retrieved the phone, brightly displaying his name.
“Hello?”
A breathless sound mixed in with the voice. Han Team Leader on the other end of the line paused for a moment before asking slowly.
– Are you busy?
“Me? No, I’m okay.”
– Then why are you panting like that?
“…I rushed to answer the phone…”
As I heard the voice, all the tension in my body eased. It was strange. It felt like going from trembling in the cold outside to stepping into a warm room. I sat on the floor cushion, eventually curling up and lying down, using the hard bag as a pillow.
“Aren’t you busy, Team Leader?”
He was quiet on the other end, which made me impatient.
“Is it okay for us to talk?”
– I called from my end, what’s going on?
He replied. Even though I couldn’t see his expression, I could sense it. ‘That’s how it is,’ I answered softly.
After that, since he called first, he didn’t say anything else. I opened my mouth but then closed it again. A thin silence traveled through the phone line regularly.
Now I noticed there was a faint noise behind his breathing. It seemed like a distant sound of a vehicle getting closer and then fading away. It seemed like it was from outside. All the lines I had drawn on the map in my mind seemed useless.
“Where are you?”
I asked unknowingly. A familiar lighter sound came. He answered in a slow and unclear voice.
– I’m in the restaurant parking lot. Everyone else has left after the company dinner… I’m about to go home now.
“Ah… Did you call a driver?”
– No, not yet.
The moist silence made me anxious. It was clear he had drunk some alcohol. It felt like the familiar and sharp scent was spreading even into my living room.
“You’re not planning to drive yourself, are you?”
I asked nervously in the damp silence. It was clear that he had drunk some alcohol. Then, from the other side, there was a rustle, and a faint laughter. He asked.
– Did you have dinner?
There was no context. I missed the beat and answered belatedly.
“Yes, on the way back from work…”
– What did you eat?
“Just… gimbap.”
– …
“I mean something with more ingredients than convenience store gimbap… like tuna, cucumber, those kinds of things…”
I thought his familiar nagging would continue, but all I heard was a long sigh, and he didn’t say anything else.
“Team Leader, did you… have dinner?”
– Yes, I did.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“…What did you have?”
– I just grabbed some snacks. The food was mediocre, but the drinks here were pretty good… But since Lee Seodan doesn’t like alcohol… it’s not really useful.
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Then he said.
– Can you take that responsibility?
“…What?”
It was a raspy voice with tangled fuzziness. It was low and slow, almost resembling someone else’s voice.
– If we meet today, I’m going to have sex with Lee Seodan. I haven’t seen your face all day, and I need you right now. If that happens, then the play we planned for tomorrow afternoon will naturally fall through… Once those words are out, whether Lee Seodan wants to bring it up again or not will be uncertain.
“……”
– And I wouldn’t mind that happening. …But even if you decide to stay with me after you’ve seen me at my bottom, and even if you decide to spend your life with me without a fuss, it won’t be that difficult. I’m naturally good at that kind of thing. Looking good, sticking to the line that can look good…
As I closed my eyes, the black sky of the parking lot appeared before me. He chuckled faintly, like a faint breath. He added. Though I oddly didn’t seem to like it.
– I’ll give you time to think. I’m going home now, so you can come to my place, if you want. If you can’t do that, and if you insist on coming tomorrow, I won’t easily agree anymore… So think about it and decide.
His voice was calm. Fresh. Once again, he handed over the sole decision-making power to me, and by doing so, he had already tied my feet with his responsibility, but he seemed unaffected either way.
I went into the room with my phone in hand. I lay down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. The blanket smelled of warm dust, with a faint hint of sweat. Vaguely, it seemed like his scent lingered there too.
“Don’t drive, call a driver and go home safely… Let me know when you arrive.”
– …
“What time should I come by tomorrow?”
A faint laughter came through the receiver.
– I have work to do at the company until lunchtime. Bring your own lunch and come by around two or two-thirty. If I’m late, go inside. Do you remember the entrance code?
“Yes.”
– Alright. See you tomorrow then.
It was a neat farewell, but I didn’t hear the sound of the call ending. Regular breathing came through a few times.
– I’m going to hang up now.
“Yes. Good night.”
I stood still, holding my phone. The distant sound of the spinning washing machine slowed down and stopped. The signal beeped faintly. Five seconds, ten seconds. He didn’t rush me. Slowly lowering my phone and pressing the end call button, I blinked away the blurry vision.
The window where the sun had set was dark. Setting the phone aside, I absentmindedly hugged the blanket tightly around my arms.
***
Departure was at an absurdly early hour, but I took a detour halfway through. Instead of transferring at the interchange station, I sat on a bench for a while. People passed by in twos and threes. It was a crowded weekend crowd, enough to fill the subway cars to capacity.
I bought a muffin with chocolate chips from a shop inside the station. I stuck a thin straw into a jar-shaped banana milk.
I arrived at his house around one fifty. I stood in front of the gate of the apartment complex for a while before finally sending a text message.
“Team Leader, where are you now?”
As soon as I pressed the send button and let go, my phone vibrated. I almost dropped it.
– How far have you come?
He asked. From the sporadic noise, it seemed like he was driving.
Just then, a dull mechanical sound started, and the gate at the main entrance began to open. A car that wasn’t his was waiting, stopped on the side. Stepping aside, I replied.
“I’m in front of your house now.”
– Go inside, I am coming. I think I’ll be there a little after two.
“Yes.”
The call ended. Before the gate closed again, I entered the parking lot. The lobby seemed cooler than the outside temperature, as if the air conditioning was on. It felt like summer wasn’t far off.
Inside the spacious elevator, there was a faint smell of air conditioning mixed with metal. The inside of the closed doors was as clean as a mirror. Today’s outfit was reflected there. A white shirt, black trousers, black sneakers. It was slightly off from the usual company attire, looking neat and casual. I felt like a college student going on a blind date.
Although it wasn’t for a visit but rather to confront him, in the early hours of the sleepless morning, I got up and changed my clothes in front of the mirror several times. Clothes from my college days were unearthed from the drawers of my closet, emanating a strong smell of dust. Hoodies with lint, sweaters that had faded and out of style jeans. In the end, I randomly picked a suitable shirt. Despite not going to meet him as a superior, I was slow to adapt and still not quite accustomed.
Even in the hallway, there was a scent of air conditioning. It was chilly. I stood in front of the firmly closed entrance door. Looking at the keypad, which was completely blackened, I leaned against the wall with my back.
The elevator came down every few minutes. Whenever the small screen showing the floor indicated the basement, I fixed my gaze on the gap in the elevator door. Sometimes, the elevator coming up from the parking lot narrowly passed by, and sometimes it stopped on a lower floor. And finally, the number that had been steadily rising stopped, and it didn’t move anymore. The signal beeped, and the doors opened on both sides.
Han Team Leader, who was looking at his phone, only noticed me when he walked out into the hallway. He stared at me blankly, then frowned.
“You said you knew the password.”
“…Yes.”
Whether it was a promise to meet someone or not, he was dressed in his usual impeccable suit. Unable to meet his eyes, I fixed my gaze on his firm chest. As I stepped back, he swiped the keypad, calling out the numbers without looking at me, and asked.
“It’s not like it’s a stranger’s house. You’ve been to my place before when I wasn’t there, so why wait outside?”
“It wasn’t that long-.”
“I only gave you this number. Not just for emergencies, but as a spare key.”
He held the door for me. It felt like we were close enough to brush against each other.
Without a word spoken from my dry mouth, my answer disappeared. The living room that came into view was bright with sunlight. While he passed me and took off his coat, I stood in the entrance hall and couldn’t move. Bending stiffly at the waist, I untied the knot of my white shoelaces. In the meantime, Han Team Leader looked back at me, laughed with a sigh, and said in a teasing tone.
“I get it without even asking. Why were you so nervous?”
With that statement, the tension drained from my shoulders. He seemed normal enough to feel unjustly so. Although his face looked tired, there was a faint smile around his cool eyes. His gaze looking down at me was surprisingly affectionate.
A neat hand reached out towards me. My chin was grasped, and my gaze was captured. As Han Team Leader, with narrowed eyes, looked at me, he furrowed his brow quietly.
“Just because I scared you a little, what did you expect, that you even lost sleep over it? Your eyes are all red.”
His hand wrapped around my cheek, gently swept away the corners of my eyes. The touch of his fingertips stroking the trembling eyelashes was soft and firm, not suitable for broad daylight.
“Come in first. Let’s talk inside,” he said, easily pulling me into the house by my wrist. I managed to take off my shoes. Han Team Leader’s back, turned away, hung his suit jacket on the couch and loosened his tie.
“Have you had breakfast?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Lunch?”
“…I haven’t eaten.”
“Sit at the table, I’ll get you some tea at least.”
Following him with my eyes, I walked slowly into the living room. I pulled out a chair at the dining table and sat down. It was my usual spot. My face felt hot, probably due to lack of sleep. My stomach ached with hunger.
I looked up at the returning footsteps. Han Team Leader, who had placed a cup in front of me, now returned with a tray. Various snacks like crackers, cheese, and fruit were laid out in different sections.
“Even if you have no appetite, just eat something,” he said as he sat down opposite me. He pushed the tray towards me. He opened three small glass bottles and placed them in front of me.
“Put some cheese on, have some fruit too.”
“Thank you.”
“Have you prepared?”
As I was about to swallow a cheese crumb, I coughed. Avoiding his eyeless gaze, I nodded my head slightly. He continued to watch me coughing, then pushed a plate of jam-covered crackers with half a cherry tomato towards me.
“If you want to nitpick, there’s plenty to nitpick about. It’s so sloppy like this.”
Cheese, jam, and apple slices were neatly arranged on a small area. I swallowed the hot tea as if my palate were about to burst and finally asked, “Aren’t you eating, Team Leader?”
“I ate lunch. If Lee Seodan were cooking, I would’ve had one.”
“…Okay.”
Although there weren’t separate dishes, I pulled over the knife and an empty cracker beside him. I inserted the knife tip into the glass jam jar, causing a clattering sound as it hit the bottleneck. Only then did I realize that my hand was trembling. I followed his lead, spreading jam on the cracker, layering cheese, and adding fruit.
He didn’t say a word the whole time. I awkwardly chewed on the poorly made cracker and took a sip of tea.
“It seems like you used to like this kind of thing.”
His hand holding the teacup was steady without trembling.
“I don’t feel good when Lee Seodan can’t even look me in the eye. Do you have to just stare at the table?”
“…….”
“Just say something. Just nod your head. I’ll understand. Stop trying to be playful or whatever. Just spend the afternoon leisurely, have dinner in the evening, and have ordinary sex at night. That’s it. There’s no one to blame, so stop being so stubborn.”
When I finally managed to raise my head, even with his tired face, his eyes were soft. The end of his indifferent voice was somewhat affectionate.
I dropped my gaze. My face was hot. My heartbeat was so loud that it buzzed in my ears.
The silence was tense like a drawn thread. I opened and closed my mouth several times. The escape he provided was spacious and inviting, and my gaze kept drifting there. All I had to do was nod my head. The gentle warmth and gentle words. A day where I didn’t have to cry or be scared was presented to me as an option. Any resolve I had, melted away when he was in front of me. More than anything I vaguely imagined, the man in front of me was scarier.
I bit my inner cheek until it was sore. I took a breath and said all at once, “I’ve eaten enough, so I think we can start now.”
“…Stubborn.”
He muttered with a face not particularly surprised. His hand reached out and lightly wrapped around my cheek. Pressing the dry eye with his fingertips, he said. His unexpectedly gentle tone had a hint of laughter.
“There’s no need to be so scared. You pretend to be brave all the time, but you’re scared at times like this. What exactly did you imagine?”
“…….”
“It’s just sex, after all. Even if I handle it roughly, I won’t kill you.”
“…Ah.”
At his words, a sudden thought occurred to me. I leaned back and felt the side pocket. I grasped something stiff that was still there. I placed the retrieved key ring on my palm and held it out to him. The dangling keys made a metallic sound as I handed them over.
“I gave it to you to throw away, and yet you brought it back intact.”
“…I thought you might need it.”
He didn’t say it directly, but I thought so nonetheless. My fingertips trembled just holding the warmed-up keys, so I decided to set them down on the table for now. I had no appetite. Even though I hadn’t finished half of my tea, it was already cold.
Han Team Leader reached out with a slow hand and picked up the round ring of keys, his expression unreadable. He looked at the jangling keys for a moment before reaching them back toward me. I raised an eyebrow in confusion. He hooked the ring onto my fingers and said, “Keep them for now.”
“Huh?”
“It’s still a bit unclear. I’m not sure either. Let’s see how today goes before deciding.”
“Then, today…”
He slightly furrowed his brow. It was a vague expression that seemed like a smile.
“I’ve roughly outlined the play. Do you want to know in advance before we start?”
His voice was crisp, but my heart sank somewhere. I nodded without saying a word. Han Team Leader continued without even twitching an eyebrow.
“Alright then, no spoilers. The overall content includes light spanking, tool insertion, and hard sex. Is there anything you object to among these?”
“Team Leader, I… I mean…”
My pronunciation came out dull as if my tongue were paralyzed. My ears felt hot. Han Team Leader tidied up the remaining crackers with his neat fingers and said, “You need to get used to this kind of talk.”
“But still…”
“If you don’t discuss it, you’ll see blood during the play. You’ll just have to endure what you don’t like, and that’s it.”
He glanced at my face and smirked slightly.
“We’ll go over the specific agreements later and take it slowly. For now, let’s finish discussing today’s plans. I’ll pay attention to adjusting intensity, but I’ll also provide a safety word just in case.”
Unconsciously, my gaze went to his lips. Perhaps thinking the same thing, his lips traced a slow arc. It seemed like our faces were getting closer, but his warm lips lightly touched mine and then withdrew. There was a soft sound of contact.
“I’ll dispose of this as a safety measure from now on. It’s not suitable for play because it’s useful elsewhere.”
“……”
“…Why. One more time?”
I nodded silently, and our lips met again. He reached out and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, running his tongue gently between my lips. As I obediently opened my mouth, his warm and velvety tongue slipped inside. Tapping my front teeth gently, he affectionately traced the inside of my cheek with his wet tip.
The position was uncomfortable. I was half-raised in the chair, and my thigh was painfully pressed against the edge of the table. He must have felt the same. Our lips, wet with saliva, met repeatedly. By the time the kisses became more fervent, he pulled away. I couldn’t gather my thoughts and sobbed softly.
“I want to undress you quickly and have my way with you.”
He said, looking through me with a blunt and distinct pronunciation. I sat back down in the chair, trembling, and my heart pounding.
Han Team Leader wiped his lips with the back of his hand and remained silent for a moment. I looked down at the tray that I hadn’t properly touched. The jam inside the glass jar shimmered in a red hue.
“…Listen carefully to the explanation I’m about to give.”
His voice, slightly lowered and rougher, was resolute. I answered quietly without looking up.
“Yes.”
His hand came into view on the edge of my vision. The middle and ring fingers of that hand were deeply embedded in his palm. Looking down at my chin, he spoke with a sinking voice.
“We’ll stick with the classics. Yellow when the limit is approaching, red if you need to stop immediately. Can you remember that?”
“Yes.”
He immediately caught something in my expression.
