“Did you ever consider that you might get hurt? Do you know how far I could go? Are you stupid, or do you lack any sense?”
“The one who hit me is Han Team Leader. Why should I have to hear such remarks?”
Unexpectedly, words burst out of my tightly sealed lips.
“Isn’t the problem that you hit me rather than the fact I didn’t use the safe word?”
“…”
I froze as I looked at his raised eyebrows.
“I’m not pointing out right or wrong; I’m asking about the reason for Lee Seodan’s actions. From my common sense, I couldn’t understand it at all, so I’m asking for an explanation.”
“Are you in a position to lecture me about common sense, Team Leader?”
I met his eyes and spoke. I didn’t care about his chilling expression. Once I started speaking, the rest followed like strong currents.
“Hitting without reason is Han Team Leader’s common sense, and there’s no one in the world who would say that it’s common sense to ask someone the next day, smiling, as if both the hitter and the one who has been hit are having a good laugh. The person who got hit is left with bruises and wounds. How can they face the next day as if nothing happened…”
“…”
“When I meet Han Team Leader, I’ve never… truly never felt sad about being hit by Han Team Leader even once. Just with the word ‘play,’ I should be indifferent to whatever treatment I receive from Han Team Leader, and when it’s over, it should be as if nothing happened, applying some ointment like it’s all over…”
“…”
“If ‘play’ is just a game, why do I have to be afraid of you not only in bed but also in other places?”
I pushed his hand away. I extended my trembling, swollen fingers in front of him. He stared at me with his eyebrows raised.
“Not violence but ‘play.’ How convincing is that absurd argument? Being persuaded, receiving punishment for trivial reasons, fearing even a single word from you… Is all of that my fault? Is it my fault for what happened last week, for angering you excessively, and for not using the safe word?”
Long and deep silence took its place. He frowned at me, and, while staring at my trembling fingertips, wet with nervousness, he twisted the corner of his mouth. I bit the inside of my lips, but my eyelids inexplicably warmed up.
He raised his hand to brush away a strand of hair that had fallen over my eyes, and as he observed the dampness on his fingertips, he twisted the corner of his mouth.
“I guess this is better.”
“…”
“Last week’s incident, it’s my fault. There could have been a wiser way to handle it, but I completely turned a blind eye to Lee Seodan’s considerations. I’m sorry.”
At the precise moment his words cleanly concluded, my cheek became frighteningly warm. My vision wavered intensely, preventing me from seeing his face. After a brief silence, he continued speaking.
“Regardless of what I called it, if Lee Seodan felt it was violence, then it is violence. Apart from the role in bed, the fact remains that I, in the position of a superior or as part of our contractual relationship, coercively behaved towards Lee Seodan. …I’m not here to justify that, but only…”
My legs, now devoid of strength, finally gave in, causing me to sink down. Han Team Leader seized one of my wrists as if to prevent my escape in advance.
“It wasn’t intentional. Lee Seodan followed along willingly, and I thought you somewhat understood my way and common sense. The boundary between play and real life… I thought I had clearly distinguished it, and I didn’t expect you to find it ambiguous.”
“…”
“Even if it’s not the office or the bed, am I still intimidating?”
When I turned my head, avoiding eye contact, he sighed. After releasing my wrist, he stood up. As he walked around the table towards me, I belatedly tried to escape.
He grabbed me before I could even rise from the chair. He lifted my trembling body and draped it over his shoulder like a sack. Suddenly, with a dizzying spin of the surroundings, he started ascending the stairs while I swallowed a scream. I couldn’t struggle properly for fear of falling.
Before I could squirm free, he firmly held me. I stared at him with a stiffened body, blinking my eyes. Eventually, I tentatively reached out with one arm and pulled him closer. Crossing the bedroom door, he sighed like a gust of wind.
“I won’t let go, so relax.”
“…Mm.”
Surprised, a whimper escaped. Han Team Leader, lifting me up onto the spacious bed, gently laid me down on the blanket. Removing his arms supporting my neck, he positioned me flat. I looked up at him. Closing the bedroom door behind him, he casually said as he sat down beside me.
“You don’t need to be so tense.”
“…Then why…”
The lower floor without a bed felt safer. I raised my body, which had been lying down, and moved about an inch away from him. Swallowing each whimper that escaped while clutching my knees, I tried to remain composed.
Han Team Leader watched me in silence for a while before standing up. He smoothly grabbed the edge of the neatly-covered bedspread and pulled it over my body. Like wrapping a round ball, he also pulled the opposite edge of the blanket. Layer by layer, he meticulously enveloped me in the soft bedding.
I timidly lifted my head, looking uneasy from the makeshift cocoon of the blanket. Sniff. Another sniffle caused his mouth to twitch slightly.
“…I’m sorry, this isn’t the time to laugh. Just stay there; I’m thinking.”
I expected to face him like a whip-wielding executioner, but strangely, his reaction was quiet. Absently, I lifted my sleeve and wiped away any lingering tears on his blanket. While looking up at him, I cautiously asked, “What are you thinking?”
Instead of answering, Han Team Leader lowered his legs to the opposite side of the bed, standing up. “I didn’t plan to show you in this situation, but since everything’s already a mess. Just stay here.”
He opened the bathroom door and disappeared from view. The sound of drawers opening echoed. Without realizing it, my body tensed, and what he brought out was a key hanging from a round ring. It looked slightly smaller than a house key. He extended the key in front of me, showing it off, then gestured toward the wardrobe door on the opposite side of the bedroom.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“P’w ublcu ab bqfc atja.”
“…Qts atf kjgvgbyf?”
“Pa’r cba j kjgvgbyf.”
Lf mlgmifv atf yfv, fcmibrlcu atf gbbw. Rbk P cbalmfv j xfstbif ecvfg atf tjcvif bo atf kjgvgbyf vbbg. Ktf xfs rilqqfv lcrlvf, jcv j vgs rbecv fmtbfv. Ljc Kfjw Ofjvfg ugjrqfv atf tjcvif, wblrafcfv atf vbbg ab bqfc la, jcv rafqqfv jrlvf rb P mbeiv rff lcrlvf.
“…”
I closed and opened my eyes.
It wasn’t a mistake. The square room inside was likely originally designed as a walk-in closet. The narrow, modified space had shelves along the walls instead of hangers. The shelves were packed neatly with various tools, including different-sized whips, ones I didn’t recognize, and more. On the less visible side of the wall, large models resembling genitals were lined up, and in the center was a terrifying leather furniture shaped like a triangle.
I felt a chilling sensation as blood oozed from my fingertips. He, who had been observing my pale face, calmly added, “I’m not saying I’m going to use this on Lee Seodan, so don’t misunderstand. If you’ve seen enough, I’ll close it.”
With a snap, the door closed, and it returned to being an ordinary wardrobe. Han Team Leader locked the door with the key and turned to face me. The courage I had before disappeared, leaving only a frightening darkness before my eyes. The fact that he had seen me a lot so far was true. If he had shown me that earlier, I wouldn’t have been able to endure it.
Sitting back down beside me, he casually asked, “So, how is it?”
“…Is it a torture room?”
“What?”
He raised an eyebrow and smiled awkwardly.
“Does it look like that?”
“…”
“If you’re curious, ask questions. I won’t hit you or get angry. After we finish talking, I’ll safely take you home, so if you have anything to say, say it all now.”
He dropped the key onto my hand, which emerged from the gap in the blanket. The metal was slightly warm from his body heat.
I pulled the forcibly given ring into the blanket. Resting my chin on my knees, I breathed. The crying and sniffling had stopped without me noticing.
“Do you have nothing to say?”
“…”
“Well then, I’ll go first.”
He stretched out his legs and sat up. One foot brushed past my buttocks over the blanket, and I dropped the key he had given with a light thud. Nonchalantly exploring the sheet with his palm, he casually opened his mouth.
“I dabbled in BDSM around the age of twenty-three. I was much younger than Lee Seodan is now. I had done similar things before, but I learned it systematically from that time.”
Cough, I heard a dry sound as I took a breath. Leaving me frozen, he continued in a plain tone.
“Lee Seodan tends to see me too favorably, but I am still a foul-tempered and unremarkable man. Back then, I was much more of a mess than I am now. Like someone who doesn’t value their life, I frequently went to dangerous places, and I readily engaged in risky behavior. BDSM was one of the hobbies I started back then. I did it quite seriously. Around my thirties, it gradually faded, and the tools and equipment I disposed of at that time could have filled this room, not just that wardrobe.”
“…”
I stared blankly at him. The blanket, warmed by my body temperature, felt plush. The key pressed against my sweaty palm, feeling rigid. Han Team Leader looked a bit weary.
“I don’t engage in intense play like before, and I don’t even have the desire to. Although I retained my temperament and habits since I didn’t learn anything different, what I’ve done so far with Lee Seodan doesn’t deviate significantly from my limit. If a professional were to see it, it’s worse than a hobby. I never did any play that required prior safe words, so I didn’t consider Lee Seodan, who is ignorant in this field. I thought Lee Seodan was participating in the play in his own way, and I didn’t intend to make him feel uneasy outside the bed.”
Leaning back as if floating in a cloud, he continued to speak.
“So, what should I do now?”
“…What?”
“Should I stop here?”
He asked quietly, his expression unchanged. I held my breath.
“Tell me. If I send you home today and agree not to do it again, just as if nothing happened, will that be enough? Since I can’t exclude you from the rest of the project for two weeks, you’ll have to endure seeing my face even if you don’t like it. After that, I’ll help you find a position at another company, as Lee Seodan wanted. If you don’t want to see my face but still want to work at Raewon, I can transfer. Tell me what you want honestly, and I’ll proceed according to Lee Seodan’s wishes.”
“…Why?”
My quiet heart started pounding again. The world I was listening to felt surreal, floating like a cloud. Leaning back, he spoke without reservation.
“So, should I stop?”
He furrowed his brow and asked, and I remained silent. A strand of his hair, previously fixed with wax, slid down his forehead. His meticulously groomed shirt and sleeves were wrinkled. Sweeping away his hair that had fallen annoyingly to his eyes, he took a step back.
“I’ve said that you don’t have to do it anymore, so there’s no reason for you to step up.”
“But still.”
“You’ve been saying it’s all sad and difficult, but my desire isn’t so urgent that I have to force it a few more times just because of that. Since we’ve had intense sex several times according to Lee Seodan’s standards, let’s consider the last few times as if we did.”
“How can there be such a calculation?”
I tried to speak dully and lowered my gaze. It felt like the ground beneath my feet was endlessly dropping away.
“Well, I don’t like that. I want to do it as we initially agreed. Since Han Team Leader also put me in the project as promised, I…”
Grabbing the line he had drawn like a lifeline, I was now the one holding on. Seeing his expressionless face, a sense of urgency rose up to my throat. Clenching the blanket with whitened fingertips, I stammered.
“You don’t need to worry about what I said today. Anyway, I don’t care about my feelings…”
“Why don’t you care?”
Almost gritting his teeth, he calmly interjected.
“How much more will Lee Seodan turn me into trash here? Since everything related to me seems pitiful and painful to Lee Seodan, should we proceed as we were doing? After talking about this with me, do you want to spread your legs for me here?”
Irritation was buried deep in the furrow between his eyebrows. My heart was pounding so hard that I closed my eyes and opened them again.
“I’m not angry right now, just listen to me.”
“Why would you not be angry? Lee Seodan’s words don’t make any sense. After making me like this now, are you stubbornly asserting your pride, saying to protect your dignity? Whether it’s a project or a deal, do we have to talk about that now and here…”
“…Team Leader.”
He stopped talking abruptly. He stared at the bed in silence, avoiding eye contact with me, then stood up.
“This won’t work, so get up. I’ll take you home. If you cool your head and organize your thoughts, we can talk later. Being in the same room with Lee Seodan now might make me lose my mind.”
“Team Leader…”
Without a hint of hesitation, he turned away, leaving me behind, and walked briskly across the room. I absentmindedly tried to get up, but my foot got caught in the blanket. Despite stumbling outside the bed, he didn’t look back. I followed him helplessly as he disappeared through the door. Gripping the railing, I descended the wooden stairs, and he was already coming out of the room with my coat.
“Put it on.”
Throwing my coat towards me, he spoke abruptly, not bothering to look in my direction. From the keyring at the entrance, he grabbed the car keys and stepped into his shoes. Only after opening the front door did he turn back to glance at me still standing in the living room.
“What are you doing?”
“…”
His expressionless, cold face was unfamiliar. The man standing before me was neither a superior nor an owner, not even the person who occasionally showed affection. He was someone who passed by on the street once in a lifetime, a person on the other side of the car window at an intersection. That’s all he was. The face of a stranger who had completely cut me off, leaving no trace behind.
When I tried to speak, no words came out. I felt the sand trickling endlessly through the gaps between my fingers. A vast emptiness opened beneath my feet.
The man stood motionless, gazing at me as if he found it bothersome, then spoke dispassionately.
“Don’t make me drag you out.”
“…”
“I told you to come out. This is my final warning.”
He released his grip on the door. Still wearing shoes, he strode across the living room, looking at me blankly. I took a step back, then another. To prevent him from catching me, I hid my wrists behind my back and intertwined my fingers. Almost tripping over the edge of the sofa, I took a step backward. Finally, there was no more room to retreat. My back collided with the cold glass. The frigid face above me showed no sign of wavering.
I knew. If I stepped out of that door led by his hand, it was the end. It was the point of no return. It would be another Saturday without him and another week without him. The last words he gave me marked the end.
Only then, the stifled sob that I held back burst out like a dam breaking. Tears streaming down, forming round puddles on his rug. A painful cry tore through my chest, rising to my throat. Like an infant who doesn’t understand language, all the joy and sorrow turned into tears. In front of him, silently watching, I continuously poured out sobs as if language couldn’t express my emotions.
If I hadn’t been so clumsy. If I had practiced meeting and parting with anyone at any time. Could I have found wiser words beyond the gap of inexperienced experiences? Would you have been able to look at me properly, face me head-on?
It wouldn’t have been like this. There could have been a better way. I desperately thought, but I couldn’t know. I didn’t know what to say to hold onto him.
“…What are you doing right now?”
He asked in a locked voice. I didn’t answer. With trembling legs, I approached him even closer. I wrapped my arms tightly around his back, pushing harder into his embrace whenever he tried to push me away. Like a lifeline, like the last salvation, I clung to him with all my strength.
His dry shirt became damp from my tears. The sound of the heartbeat, the warm scent. It was the warmth of a stranger that had become familiar without me realizing it.
Twenty-eight years. If I were to like someone someday, I wished it could be someone who liked me. I didn’t wish for a grand and extravagant love. I just hoped that someone would be by my side as time passed. I wanted someone to always stay by my side, quietly sharing walks in a quiet neighborhood as the weather cooled, resting our knees together while reading books and watching movies. I wanted someone to share the simple moments at the end and beginning of each day. I thought that if I waited patiently, I would naturally meet someone like that.
What I wanted was never like this. It wasn’t so painful and desperate. I promised myself not to have a relationship that would lower my self-worth. I didn’t want to foolishly throw myself into the fire for a dazzling light called love.
Meeting him was like encountering my own emptiness. It was the emptiness within me that sold myself for a handful of affection.
“After the project is over, then… even at that time, if you… Sometimes, until you get married, it’s okay.”
“…”
“On Saturdays, it’s okay, or not, whenever it’s convenient for you, whenever Team Leader needs me, please let me see you. I’ll go whenever you call… From now on, I won’t complain needlessly, won’t play tricks, I’ll practice more-.”
Snap. The hand that grabbed my shoulder forcefully pushed me away. With my chin held, I opened my eyes, and Team Leader was staring at me intently. His initially cold expression was distorted. It was a subtly unfamiliar face.
“Do you know what you’re saying right now?”
“…”
I closed my mouth and nodded my head slowly. Tears welled up in my eyes and fell roundly from my chin onto my hood. He held my shoulders tightly, as if he would crush them, and patted me.
“Do you know how you’re treating yourself?”
“…”
“I mean, how I treat you, Lee…”
He chuckled before finishing his sentence. He let me go, stepped back, and roughly swept his hand through his hair. His gaze passed me, shaking as it went. He lingered near the rain-soaked window, wandered through the dimly lit living room, and finally returned to me. His eyes were sharp, as if tearing apart what was in front of him.
“It’s not easy to casually talk about such things when you don’t know anything. My desires are much dirtier and crueler than you can imagine. If I say I’ll open that room again, will you come up with me? If I contact you in the middle of the night, will you rush over and spread your legs? How can you endure that? A person who whimpers after a few slaps on the buttocks, does that not seem pitiful and difficult?”
“…But it doesn’t matter.”
My voice came out locked. As he got angry, I strangely became calmer. The trembling of my body stopped as if it were a lie, and I could look up at him without shaking.
“I understand what you’re saying. Still… It doesn’t matter because it’s better than not being able to see you at all.”
He opened his mouth, then closed it again.
He turned his gaze away from me, sat silently on the sofa, and pressed his temples and forehead with his hands. Lightning struck from the nearby sky. Half of his face was bathed in a bright blue light and slowly plunged back into darkness.
After a long silence, a muffled voice flowed through the fingers covering his face.
“All right.”
“…”
“Let’s do that. It’s a good idea. When should we start?”
I kept my mouth shut, surprised that he agreed so easily.
“Then, after the project is over…”
“No, there’s no need for that. How about tomorrow?”
He lifted my head. His arms quickly wrapped around my waist, pulling me towards him. I, caught off guard, stumbled over his embrace. Lifted onto his thigh, Han Team Leader held me firmly, his arms securely wrapped around my back, and said,
“We don’t really need to wait, do we? Let’s start now. Why, is that something you dislike?”
“No, it’s not.”
I was probably beyond redemption. Even in this situation, with our bodies pressed tightly together, my heart pounded loudly. He, with a subtle expression, gently stroked my cheek with his fingers, brushing away the swollen skin around my eyes. It felt as if a tingling electric sensation ran through every place he touched. When our eyes met up close, I closed my mouth.
“May I confirm one thing?”
He casually asked while maintaining eye contact.
“Assuming I haven’t misunderstood, can I think that you like me enough to be prepared to go this far?”
“…”
My face likely flushed in an instant, but he might not have noticed. I swallowed the breath I had held and nodded my head, fixing my gaze around his shoulder. He pulled me even closer and asked again.
“When I mentioned I had someone in mind, did you feel bad? Were you jealous? Is that why you acted so out of sorts last week?”
“It’s something like that.”
Lifting me, supporting my buttocks, he stood up. This time, there was no precariousness that suggested I might fall. I wrapped my legs around his waist and hung from his neck with my arms around it.
As we climbed the stairs, he chuckled close to my ear. It was a gentle sound, as if the softest feathers were stirring.
“I really can’t believe it.”
“…”
“Okay. Since I’ll do what Lee Seodan wants, let’s go and get some rest now. Even if we wasted time wrestling all night, you still have to go to work, don’t you?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Let’s stop by your house before going to the office tomorrow. Bring a few more changes of clothes from the office. You won’t be able to leave my house for the next few days.”
Our eyes met. He folded his eyes coolly and smiled. Closing the bedroom door, he turned off the lights. Placing me on one side of the bed, he reached for the messed-up blanket from earlier, tidying it up. I sat on the bed, staring at where he might be. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, his silhouette became visible. He meticulously arranged the corners of the blanket, then lay down at the opposite end of the spacious bed. The bed shook slightly with his weight and then the room fell silent. Looking at his back as he lay down, I softly said, almost in a whisper,
“Goodnight.”
I didn’t expect a response. However, his arm reached out from there, lightly stroking my head as it passed down to my chest. His hand stopped within arm’s reach, not moving further. I slowly closed my eyes. Like a thin lifeline across a vast gap, I pressed my body against the hand he extended.
Before I knew it, it was dawn. The sound of rain outside was gradually subsiding.
Bro I haven’t sleep because of this two, it’s already 5 am in my time zone and I have an exam at 7 am, I haven’t even studyyyy I’M COOKED I blame this two lmao
haha please sleep 😅
Thank you for your translation 💗