“……”
“Then this is a reward for enduring well today.”
Softly, our lips met again. He nibbled on my lips, keeping them open without causing pain. Our tongues intertwined slowly and intricately. It felt like the area around my chest was melting. When the lips separated again, our eyes met slowly.
“This is a reward for studying hard lately.”
He sucked my tongue gently. It was a long kiss, reminiscent of tender words and a tender gaze. This time, for no apparent reason, my chest twitched uncomfortably as our lips separated. He playfully bumped his nose against mine while looking down at me. His hands gently encircled my cheeks.
“And this one is for being born beautifully.”
Our lips met deeply in a single motion. I closed my eyes and, until now, my hands that were still tied were gently wandering around his neck. My heavy body was completely pressed down. Every time my swollen nipples brushed against his shirt, my body jerked in response. What had been pain momentarily transformed into a dense heat. It was because our lips were entwined. With every tender touch of his kind tongue on the sensitive skin inside my mouth, my senses became hazy. He slowly pulled his lips away. Saliva stretched like a thread before breaking. My tongue felt empty, yearning for more.
“…You shouldn’t attach anything randomly.”
After saying this in a low voice due to the embarrassing gaze staring at me, the leader laughed.
“You’ve received your reward.”
“…Thank you.”
“What for?”
“For the safety word…”
His raised eyebrow deepened his laughter.
“Try using it. I’m curious to see what happens. And, here.”
“Uh.”
The leader lightly brushed the back of his hand against my swollen chest. I held my breath for a moment, feeling the sensation spreading to the tips of my hair.
“For the next few days, it’ll be sore if it touches the shirt. Apply the ointment I gave you last time, and if it gets really bad, use a bandage.”
“…Yes.”
“And what do you wear underneath the shirt? On days when it’s noticeable at work, I’ll immediately drag you into the meeting room and discipline you until both sides bleed. Did you understand my words? Behave properly.”
“……”
“Answer.”
“I understand.”
Our lips intertwined again. This time, it was a kiss without any reason attached to it.
Opening my mouth to accept his warm tongue, I absentmindedly thought that tomorrow I should buy a bandage at the pharmacy. I felt reassured if I could put on three layers and wear something on top. It was because I thought it would be suspicious even without noticeable wounds or torn lips.
As each Saturday passed, my body felt more and more unfamiliar, as if it wasn’t mine. The changes seemed to be written all over my face for anyone to read.
Did I think that after three months, I could return to daily life as if nothing had happened? If there was even a fleeting moment when I thought so, it was a futile and naive hope. I had a premonition that my body or mind, after spending thirteen Saturdays with Han Team Leader, would carry the stamp of those experiences like an indelible mark.
***
When Deputy Park left work at nine in the evening, only Deputy Yoon and I were left in the meeting room. It was quiet, with only the occasional sound of typing and the clicking of the mouse. Outside the window, darkness had fallen long ago. It was a chilly winter evening with no signs of letting up.
Ping! A soft notification sound rang. It was from Rebuyer. When I opened the program, the messenger window was blinking.
At first, I thought it was a group chat. I doubted whether it was sent to everyone because the blinking name in green was Deputy Kwon’s. Even after checking twice, it was a message sent to me through a personal messenger.
「Are you still at work?」
I hesitated, thinking it might be sent by mistake, but I replied anyway.
「Yes, I’m in the meeting room.」
The response was quick. I was about to close the window when Ping! Another message popped up.
「Can I see you for a moment? Can you come to the second-floor restroom near the meeting room?」
The second floor was where Deputy Kwon’s department was located. Before sending a reply, I glanced over the partition at Director Yoon’s desk visible across. It seemed like I was the only one who received the message.
「Shall I bring the documents?」
I sent the message, and this time the response took a bit longer. Finally, a reply came.
「Just bring yourself.」
Sighing, I saved the documents and turned off the screen. Yoon glanced up at the sound of the chair moving.
“Leaving work?”
“No, just going out for a moment…”
“Oh… Check the time. It’s already nine. I should leave work, really.”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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The restroom was easy to find since the floor layout was the same. The door was open, and I could hear the humming sound of a coffee maker. The room was shrouded in gloomy darkness, as if they considered the outside light sufficient. Deputy Kwon, leaning on the coffee maker with crossed arms, spoke without turning to look at me.
“Come in and sit.”
I pulled a chair to the table by the window and prepared myself. The recent relationship with team members had been smooth without significant problems. It seemed like the timing was right for an issue to arise.
However, as Deputy Kwon put down a coffee cup in front of me, she asked an unexpected question with a frowning face.
“Why did you cry back then?”
“…Pardon?”
I had to grope my memory for a while. I even forgot that I cried in the meeting room. Whether it was before or after that, I cried a lot lately. It felt like I was crying for a lifetime now. Eventually, holding the cup in my hands, I hesitated for a moment and chose a safe answer.
“Stress.”
To my surprise, Deputy Kwon, who seemed ready to scold, nodded unexpectedly.
“Because of Han Team Leader?”
“…Yes, and also because of the project itself…”
“That’s understandable.”
Deputy Kwon noisily turned off the vibrating coffee maker. She set down her mug and took a seat across from me. Amidst the ensuing silence, I stared down at the dark surface of the water. I couldn’t figure out what she was trying to discuss.
Deputy Kwon brought over a sugar container. Plonk, plonk, she put in two square cubes and lazily stirred with a spoon. As the white corners floated on the surface of the coffee, then sank, Deputy Kwon opened her mouth.
“Are you okay now?”
“…Yes, I’ve adapted quite a bit.”
“That’s good.”
Her hands, laid on the table, felt awkward. A short silence settled in. Deputy Kwon took a breath and, without a clear context, shifted the topic again.
“You read the project materials from last year, right?”
“Ah… Yes, I read them recently.”
“Last year, Supervisor Kim and I were in the TF together. Naturally, Han Team Leader and Deputy Park were also there.”
“Yes, I’m aware.”
“I also read last year’s materials recently to prepare for the TF… It reminded me of how much stress we had back then.”
Her hand, fiddling with the round handle of the cup, lifted her gaze. Deputy Kwon wore an expression like someone who had eaten unripe fruit.
“I never cried during meetings, but the first four months after joining the company were the worst in my career. I wanted to join the TF so badly, but when I finally got in, it turned out that Han Team Leader’s approach and I didn’t match at all. The workload was overwhelming, and the schedule was tight, but Han Team Leader… not only the way he assigned tasks but also his personality, was really…”
It was a boss’s gossip heard in the dark restroom after everyone had left the company. Deputy Kwon, sipping her coffee, looked thoughtful and briefly commented.
“He pretends to be open-minded, but in reality, he’s a very stubborn person.”
“…”
“Well, it’s hard to make a definitive judgment… Anyway, we didn’t get along. So, for a few months, I lost almost ten kilograms, got hair loss, tied my hair to cover it, and at one point, I even thought if someone sold voodoo dolls of Han Team Leader in front of the company, I’d consider buying one… and here I am doing the same thing this year.”
I wanted to ask why she said that, but for now, I bit my inner lip and remained silent. Deputy Kwon seemed to have read the natural question on my face and smiled faintly.
“Things don’t always work out just because you want them to, but in the grand scheme of things, what you want might not be that important in the end, especially in social life. Of course, it might not apply to Lee Seodan.”
“…Yes?”
Deputy Kwon was looking at the coffee cup, not at me. After adding two more sugar cubes without drinking, she stirred casually and left it alone. After a moment of contemplation, she spoke in a calm tone.
“It’s difficult to find leisure time now, but once the project is over, I’ll treat you to a meal. Deputy Yoon too. There are more decent places to eat near the company than you might think.”
“…”
“Work hard to finish the project, and in April, let’s go eat something delicious.”
In her indifferent expression, I easily detected the hand of reconciliation. This statement must have been Deputy Kwon’s way of acknowledging and apologizing. What I had longed for and the things I had already lost the right to possess.
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. The dull headache, biting my temples like a slow mill, intensified.
Whatever interpretation Deputy Kwon made of my silence, she slowly stood up, poured the untouched coffee into the sink, rinsed the inside of the cup, and placed it on the drying rack. I raised my head, staring blankly at my face reflected in the dark window. The pale image seemed to disappear if I grasped it, and beyond that, there were high-rise buildings with lights on late into the night and the figure of Deputy Kwon, her hair tied up, as if she could walk away from me at any moment.
In that moment, impelled by an impulse I didn’t even recognize, I opened my mouth.
“When I was a sophomore in college, I went to a recruitment session by Raewon Corporation.”
The reflection of Deputy Kwon in the glass remained motionless. It was unclear if she was listening. Speaking quickly, I continued.
“Since then, I really wanted to join this company. No, not necessarily this company, but I wanted to work for a large corporation. To become part of something huge and contribute from my position…”
My voice cracked.
“It felt like I would finally belong.”
“…”
“Back in college, I was going through a tough time, and I felt the need for an ideal environment to strive for. Things I couldn’t understand, couldn’t accept… things I couldn’t handle on my own. I thought that if I joined a company, those things wouldn’t exist. I thought university would be a place like that, but as it turned out, it wasn’t.”
In retrospect, it was an endless cycle of escapism. Turning away as if to explore every aspect of the world, folding down one finger at a time with a slow and lingering elimination method. Not here, I thought, and leaned on the next possibility with quickened breath. If not here, then where could it be? Where should I be, a place where I could be myself?
“When I realized that the company was the same, I…”
“…”
“I consoled myself with the fact that someone like Han Team Leader existed somewhere in the company, even though I couldn’t understand or accept things. Someone I never worked with, never talked to, but I regarded Han Team Leader as important. As if the existence of Han Team Leader was an answer or a proof of exception to the reasons I struggled with all the time…”
It was childlike, simple, and ludicrous logic. How pitiful would it have been if Han Team Leader had heard it? How naive and unknowing was I, who had been anxious all day before the day I would meet him in the elevator?
“So, I always wanted to be in the TF. At the end of last year, in that situation… even knowing it wouldn’t work out, I still submitted my application…”
“…”
“Working with Han Team Leader, I thought everything would be okay.”
There is a price to be paid for using a person as a symbol. The weight of that disappointment settled into the darkness like a black mist on the night of the rooftop. It was a foreseen despair.
Deputy Kwon did not turn around. In the continued silence, I realized what I wanted. Every word that poured out of my mouth was just an excuse. A cowardly plea not to condemn my choices to Deputy Kwon, who didn’t know the details, and to the person extending a hand to me without knowing those circumstances.
The coffee in my hand cooled down. The air in the restroom was humid and warm. The face reflected in the window was as transparent and blurry as a phantom.
***
Come to think of it, I remembered. Back in college, I used to study with a small group of people, and I somewhat got along with them. However, I never had time to go to a separate drinking session or meet up on weekends. I blatantly received criticism, mostly abstaining from department gatherings or events.
As the final exams of my third year approached, I found myself studying in the study room until dawn with a few others. It was a time when I felt suffocated, working late into the night with part-time jobs, scholarships, or preparing for employment. While looking out at the dark outside, I spoke to myself.
“I want to take a break.”
No, I wanted to rest, or maybe I wanted to have fun. Anyway, something like that. However, a junior sitting across from me laughed and said, “That’s not like you.”
It was a harmless comment, perhaps even a compliment. I knew that, but those words lingered in my mind for a long time. Whether finishing the early morning part-time job, changing into different clothes, and sitting on the bus heading to school, or when leaving the noisy department room alone on the last day of the semester. Suddenly, I remembered it again.
On days that seemed futile no matter how hard I tried, I wanted to ask someone who could tell me where I had gone wrong, if there was a better way, starting from which point it was my fault. Every time I woke up in the early morning, it became a habit to dredge up the same memory. Some days nothing was my fault, and some days everything was my fault, including becoming gay, experiencing outing, and sexual assault. Even my family’s inability to accept me.
Dividing mistakes and responsibilities into small pieces wouldn’t have any real meaning. I often realized that fact, and often forgot it.
“Do you like dumplings?”
A message arrived. Since meeting Director Kwon yesterday evening, my mood had been sinking. It was seven in the evening. Work was piling up, and I was facing overtime that would stretch into the late night. Finish work, collapse at home, sleep, and then start early in the morning. In that routine, Saturday would inevitably come around again. That’s how the remaining two months, and my future thereafter, looked like.
I was staring at the phone screen with characters floating on it when something hot emanated from below my stomach. Pressing the screen firmly, I applied friction until the heat spread.
“Why do I have to eat with team leader?”
After sending the message, I immediately regretted it. It wasn’t the right tone to use with a superior. Staring at the blacked-out screen in frustration, I wondered if I should provide an explanation. Just then, the phone vibrated in my hand.
It was a call from Han Team Leader. His name glittered on the screen. The tension in my abdomen, filled with gloom and darkness, twisted with nervousness. It was the worst.
“…I’m sorry.”
I spoke with a voice that sank as soon as I received the call. The other end of the receiver was silent.
“I… I think I lost my mind for a moment.”
Staring at the screen all day made my vision blurry. Leaning back in the chair, I pressed my dry eyelids shut and rested deeply. My heart raced, rising up to my throat.
– …Come up.
He finally spoke. His tone was indifferent, devoid of any inflection.
“To where…”
– The rooftop.
“…Now?”
– Yes. Right now.
The sound of the wind echoed. His expressionless face, smoking a cigarette, appeared in my mind. A sigh escaped involuntarily. I really didn’t want to see him right now.
“Team leader, I…”
– It’s noisy. Come up and talk.
Han team leader interrupted me. I closed my mouth. The call ended abruptly, without even a goodbye.
Setting the phone down, I took a long exhale, slowly gathering my scattered thoughts, and stood up. The offices were empty; everyone was either in their departments or gone for the day. I looked around as if expecting someone to offer help, but there was no one.
Descending in the elevator, the realization hit that I should have brought my coat. I pushed open the heavy rooftop door, hoping it wouldn’t be a lengthy encounter.
Like that day, on the far side of the spacious rooftop, Han Team Leader was leaning against the railing. Cigarette smoke enveloped him like a mist. Pausing my steps due to an awkward sensation in my throat, I waited until he turned around to look at me.
A yellow light from a building across the way cast a sharp shadow on his cheek as he faced me. The glance he gave me was indifferent.
“I’m sorry.”
I spoke softly, but he turned away without a word. His long fingers flicked the cigarette ash onto the railing.
“I was on edge… I made a mistake.”
“Understood.”
Without turning around, he spoke gruffly, “Still, it must be sincere. Even if it’s a slip of the tongue, it’s not a lie, isn’t it?”
“…”
“‘Why should I have a meal with Han Team Leader?'” He echoed my words with a mocking tone. Sarcasm filled every pause. I sealed my lips. The chilly wind cut through my clothes, making my body shiver.
“Come here.” He said, flicking the cigarette butt away. Suppressing my pounding heart, I approached.
Tock, he pushed a large bag that was resting on the railing towards me. I accepted it instinctively. Inside the white plastic bag was a substantial white box. The palm supporting the box heated up as I held it.
“This…?”
“I bought it for you to eat while working. Since it seemed like you hadn’t eaten dinner.”
“…”
“It’s not an invitation to go out and eat.”
With a tired expression, he said. I really didn’t know what to say, so I awkwardly fiddled with the strings of the bag.
“…I’m sorry.”
“How many times do you plan to apologize?”
“Earlier, I meant that it wasn’t…”
“Not?”
“…”
Whether I’ve been anxious all day or regretting my choices, deals accepted by myself, it wasn’t an excuse I could present to my superior. When I closed my mouth in frustration, he reached out his hand. Swiftly, his fingertips scattered my bangs.
“Where does it hurt?”
Without tolerating my lowered gaze, he raised his chin.
“You look like you’re about to cry.”
“…No.”
“What do you mean ‘no’? It’s clear from your begging posture that it’s not a butt problem.”
Huk, my body was pulled. He leaned my back against the railing, enveloping me in his coat as if wrapping it around. The bag of dumplings he was holding bumped against his thigh. Both hands came down, lightly kneading both sides of my buttocks as if massaging a bun. I couldn’t resist properly as it happened in an instant.
“Team leader, we are at work…”
“Do you think it’s fair to complain to me when you know about it? Why should I be the only one doing the sorting?”
“…”
“Brought dumplings and here’s another dumpling.”
He held me as if completely embracing a dumpling. I had no choice but to close my mouth since I was at fault. I glanced nervously at the rooftop door, but it was quiet. Anyway, there weren’t many people left in the company at this hour.
“No one’s watching.”
Whether he noticed my gaze or not, he said with a hint of amusement, “Lee Seodan is small, so they can’t see.”
As if he would protect me, he put me in his arms and gently lifted his coat again. The hand that had been momentarily away returned to my buttocks. When I leaned forward to shake off the gently massaging hand, our chests pressed tightly together, and the warmth was comforting.
“How many should I give you?”
He asked from such an intimate distance, as if he were going to pat my nose. I was gradually embarrassed to the point where cold sweat formed on the hand holding the bag.
“Surely not here—”
“If you leave it until Saturday, the interest will double every day. Isn’t it inconvenient to sit and work all next week?”
“But still—”
“Here. Are you managing well?”
Han Team Leader pushed me slightly, sweeping his palm across my chest. It felt like the heat was reaching me directly through the shirt, undershirt, and the two layers below. The still-reddened area stung. I bit my lips, swallowing the sound. He accurately found the swelling and pressed slowly with the lower part of his palm. A shiver ran through my body as if it were trembling.
Lmao he’s treating Seodan’s butt like a stress ball