Author: aji (あじ)
Translator: sleepingjay
Jill
“No, that’s not it.”
His swelling anger was pierced.
Like a balloon deflating with a stupid-sounding sizzle, the anger drained out of Jill.
“I hid a lot of things from you because I didn’t want to hurt you. But like this, we would only ever know each other’s surface selves.”
Even if he hurt him, even if he was hurt.
A “heart-to-heart exchange” was inevitable. But he felt bad for Lilius, who had grown up in a complicated environment and had had a tough life, and so tried to keep him away from painful and saddening things.
But because he realized that was a mistake, he decided to stop.
“From now on, I won’t mince my words, and I’ll speak out when I don’t like something. That’s why, Lilius, please also do the same to me.”
“You might not like me if I told you…….”
“‘A man who dislikes you just because of that is not good enough for you. Such a man should be dumped.”
“That, what’re you saying….”
Lilius smiled softly. That was enough to make Jill’s heart dance.
“Hey.”
Restlessly rubbing a foot against his other foot, Lilius opened his mouth. When Jill made to listen seriously, he continued, looking extremely nervous.
“That day, when you said it would be a mistake for us to be together, what did you mean? Does it mean you don’t want to be with me anymore……?”
“No, that’s not it. I meant that being with me would mean giving up your normal life.”
The life of a noble’s lover was not glamorous, nor was it a lovely fairy-tale as commoners liked to think it was.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
Lf kjr regf atja Oliler kjr jirb kfii jkjgf bo atja.
“Pc obgfluc mbecaglfr, atfgf jgf ralii qfbqif qijcclcu ab xlii wf fnfc cbk. P tjnf cb lcafcalbc bo ibrlcu, yea atfgf lr cb xcbklcu ktja klii tjqqfc. Po rbwfatlcu tjqqfcr, lo sbe—”
“Zf abb.”
“…….”
“P mjc oluta j ilaaif, abb. P wluta fnfc yf ragbcufg atjc wbra qfbqif.”
Lilius touched Jill’s arm. While looking down at the tiny fist that was clenched tightly, Jill finally spoke his true feelings that he had kept hidden for a long time.
“I don’t like the word ‘hero’.”
Jill knew the man whom that word was most suitable for.
Always running around for someone else’s sake, and always smiling. A man with a strong heart, who was never daunted, no matter how harsh the circumstances.
“But even such a man ended up dying an abrupt death. Even for the strongest person in the world, their death still only takes an instant.”
Hence, even knowing that Lilius was strong, Jill was afraid to keep him by his side.
As Jill eased Lilius’s hand out of the grip on his arm, he thought back to the bitter past.
—Hero.
It was still the same no matter how old he became. For his father who had died when he was three years old, that was the most apt word.
“…… How did he die?”
“Killed on duty. It’s a common thing for knights. He died protecting others, thus it was a death to be proud of.”
Jill took a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly. He had to, or else he would succumb to the uncontrollable emotions that made him want to scream out.
“However, I believe that’s bullshit.”
“Jill……”
Perhaps he was lost for words, Lilius called out Jill’s name. Perhaps he never expected that such an expletive would be spat out of Jill’s mouth.
Jill’s smile was strained. Even just recalling it, this story was exhausting.
“I don’t know how exactly you see me, but I’m not virtuous and immaculate. I only conduct myself that way because it makes certain things easier, but my real self is not what one would call a hero.”
Since the day his father died, Jill’s world had dimmed.
His mother, who was his father’s mate, passed away on the morning of Jill’s fourth birthday, as if to follow after his father.
The night before his mother died.
Seeing his mother crying while apologising, he had already guessed what would happen and finalised all his goodbyes. Noticing Jill’s lack of tears, the surrounding adults were nervous and creeped out.
But there was no way for tears and such to come out.
Towards those people who came to his parents’ funerals and comforted Jill — to Jill, who could hear exactly what kind of emotions they came with, how could there be anything but hazy anger?
At that time, Jill could not forgive the adults around him that said they were proud of his father.
‘If that’s the case, then why didn’t you go and help him?’ was what he thought.
That night of the mass demon attack.
Had any one of them rushed to his father’s side, surely Jill’s father would still be alive today.
Due to their trivial jealousy, no one reached a helping hand out to his father, who was idolised as a “hero”. It might have even been simply a moment of ill will.
But the result?
That day, seeing their hearts, Jill found out the real reason his father died.
On that day, he thought that people’s “hearts” were perhaps the ugliest, most unnecessary thing in the world.
—I didn’t think he was really going to die.
—Since it’s him, he’ll be just fine.
—Isn’t he a hero, why couldn’t he defeat the demons?
If they knew that Jill had the Kakyou, likely none of the adults would have approached Jill.
To think that nobody at all had called for reinforcements. If help had arrived even a little bit earlier, he might have been saved.
Perhaps they would try to say that they just forgot that their “hero” was also a living person.
When a person’s heart stopped beating, they would still die.
Even if more blood continued to flow, there was no more oxygen. This was something that everyone should know without being told.
The more those people espoused his father’s heroics, the uglier their heart was.
And so, his father died such an abrupt death.
“That’s why I’m anxious even though I know you’re strong, Lilius. Besides, on pure strength alone, it’s still hard for you to beat the men around you, isn’t it?”
“—No. If that’s the reason, then I’m going to be with you.”
“…….”
Did Lilius not hear what he just said?
When Jill cocked his head in confusion, Lilius shouted in a voice that was on the verge of cracking.
“Haven’t you been hurting for years?!”
“That’s not true. It’s just a memory now.”
“Then, what does Jill think?”
“About what?”
“‘Does Jill not want to be with me? Do you not want me around?!”
Translator:
Ah, repressed trauma. :]
thanks for the chapter ♡
Ugh. People’s hearts are fickle things.
Thanks for the chapter <3
Can I say ‘finnaly!’? A long overdue heart-to-heart talk they should have had to properly establish their relationship. Thank you for the chapter!!!
Thanks for translating!
I am Confusion. I forgot what was happening so bad hnnngg.
ahhh fudge those people, so disgusting! poor kid, Jill at that time, even his mother left him when he also needed someone to comfort him, a merely four year child…suffering like that 😭
thanks for the chapter!