TL Warnings: While I expect anyone reading this to understand that we are dealing with sensitive mental issues, this chapter mentions (not explicitly–no gore) a suicide, so be warned. Those who may be triggered, beware and always remember this is fiction and you can click X to get away. Everyone else, get the tissues ready, as always.
149.
I started considering the possibility of domestic abuse. During the love bubble period he won’t hit me, but the thing with people is that the longer you’re near them the more of their real self is revealed. After enough time has passed it’ll be impossible to pretend to be so good anymore.
150.
I think Xue Yaozu probably isn’t that type of person.
But my thoughts couldn’t help but go there.
Xue Yaozu asked me, “W-what are. Y-you. Thinking about?”
I didn’t say anything.
He said, “Y-you. Can tell me. W-whatever. Y-you’re thinking.”
I said, “Nothing much.”
151.
After we went back, my older brother sent me a text, and it said: If you continue causing a ruckus, then don’t come back here ever again.
I don’t know how to explain it to him.
I don’t want to admit that I’m sick, and he doesn’t want to admit it even more. He just thinks that my rebellious phase has started. Occasionally, I’ll think that I’ve entered my rebellious phase too, or maybe chuunibyou syndrome.
As I thought of this I wanted to cancel the appointment once again. I searched some forum posts and some people said that the side effects of the medications were pretty serious. They said that the medication was bad for the liver, and would cause the person to gain weight. Also, they said that the basic principle of the treatment was to slow down the thought process of the patient, and that that’s why the person would become drowsy, lethargic and unable to think properly.
Although I don’t have any particularly pressing matters to think about, I still don’t want to become an idiot either.
Stupid or insane, c’est une question.
You should just kill me already! Why did you even fucking let me be born? Then once I was born you only hurt me! What’s wrong with you?!
I wanna swear (everything to high hell).
152.
But I didn’t have the guts to cancel the appointment. Xue Yaozu keeps his promises. I don’t want to pee the bed.
153.
Thinking about it closely, I kind of want to cancel it on purpose now.
154.
Nononononono, gotta be normal, gotta be normal.
155.
Xue Yaozu asked, “Are y-you. Acting out. A silent film? Y-your expressions. Are. So dramatic.”
I replied, “I’m thinking about a very serious question, which do you think is better, the balcony or the kitchen?”
“Let’s eat, then I have. Some stuff I. Need to do, so. I’ll go out. Y-you. Rest. Up early.”
I asked, “What stuff?”
He replied, “Company. Stuff.”
What type of company has stuff to do in the middle of the night? Excuses.
“Really. There’s a. S-situation. I just. Got a call.”
I asked him what type of situation. He hesitated, then said, “Something happened. W-with. A worker.”
I got serious at once and asked, “What happened? You were behind on paying salaries and didn’t give it?”
“No, not that. Don’t worry. About it.”
I worriedly said, “Don’t keep the guy’s salary, just wait and the guy might just come and try to kill you and then himself.”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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156.
Once Xue Yaozu had finished eating he left. After I’d finished washing the dishes and mopping the floor, I felt more and more on edge, so I decided to simply secretly go over to his company to take a look myself.
157.
When I went to his company I was immediately recognized by the staff. So before I even had the chance to say something, I was dragged over to Xue Yaozu’s office.
Everyone was staring at me, so I sheepishly smiled.
Xue Yaozu didn’t have time to deal with me, so he just got me to sit by the side doing whatever I wanted. He continued discussing matters with the others.
There had been a worker who had committed suicide by jumping off a building.
The main thing was that it wasn’t even that the company hadn’t paid him, that worker had just jumped himself.
The leader that managed that worker’s squad said that that person seemed pretty normal. He hadn’t talked about any family troubles, he was all good, yet had just gone and suicided out of nowhere. No wonder the police were suspecting homicide. But after they investigated the scene of the incident they had to dispel that suspicion.
Someone suggested that perhaps he had found out that he had a terminal illness, but the squad leader said that they didn’t have the time to go to the hospital recently, and what’s more their yearly report had been normal.
No one was sure of anything. Of course, this wasn’t the most important problem. And that was that a person had died on company grounds. They had to be able to give an explanation and compensation to the dead man’s family, otherwise, there was a risk that they would raise up a ruckus and bring the company trouble. What’s more, it could also affect the tower’s future market price.
Xue Yaozu got people to first go and keep the thing under wraps, to go and contact the media to first not do any reports. Then they discussed how best to take care of the man’s family.
Xue Yaozu’s intention was that there should definitely be a compensation fee paid, but they couldn’t be blackmailed, either. In the nearby area, there had been a tower with an accident where a worker’s safety was jeopardized. The family claimed three hundred thousand, then brought a crowd of media and reporters, which caused a huge ruckus. To this day, that tower hasn’t been successfully sold off.
Everyone discussed it for a while, but didn’t get many results. So, they could only leave it as it is and roll with the punches.
158.
When the meeting was adjourned, it was already past midnight. Xue Yaozu said, “Come on, let’s. First send. Y-you back. To rest. I. Can’t. Go yet.”
“No, I’ll stay with you.”
He raised his eyebrow with a hint of surprise.
“I’m in the media field, after all. I know more people in this circle than you, how about I ask around?”
He nodded.
I then asked, “Then what about the family?”
“They’ve already. Been notified. Look.”
159.
We were busy keeping the news suppressed for the whole day. That was enough time for the worker’s family to arrive.
It was an old lady, her hair was all white, and cut to just below her ears in a short bob. The bob was very neat, and she had a little black hair clip on too. Her clothes and shoes weren’t new, but they were all very clean and neat.
Perhaps it was because she’d cried the whole way over, but her eyes were all red and swollen. But when she saw us she didn’t cry, and quite calmly introduced herself. “I’m Zhang Quan’s mother.”
We brought her over to see the body. She stared at it for a long while, then finally started crying again. It was the type of crying that was especially heartbreaking. She sat on the floor for what seemed like forever, and we couldn’t even help her up. This scared everyone around her; as we were all afraid that she’d cry so hard she fainted.
160.
After confirming the identity of the body, she couldn’t take it away immediately as the police were still doing some final procedures. So, we first took the old lady to the company to get Zhang Quan’s belongings.
The old lady was pretty stable and calm the whole way. It was just when she saw the belongings that she started to cry, but this time she cried very silently.
Once the belongings had all been collected, Xue Yaozu said, “Madame, y-you. Haven’t eaten yet. Right? How about. We go. Eat. Something nearby.”
The old lady looked at him, then asked, “You’re President Xue right?”
Xue Yaozu nodded.
The old lady said, “Zhang Quan mentioned you before.”
Xue Yaozu didn’t say anything. I guess he didn’t know what the other meant either.
The old lady said, “I haven’t got any appetite. You two can go on to eat. Could I just stay here for a while?”
Xue Yaozu said, “Of course. Y-you can.”
Seeing this situation, I simply ordered some takeout and had it delivered over here.
161.
We sat outside Zhang Quan’s dormitory and ate the takeout. The old lady truly didn’t have any appetite, but forced herself to eat a little. In truth, we didn’t have that much of an appetite either and were all pretty solemn.
I asked, “Madame, do you have any other people at home?”
“No, none left. Zhang Quan’s dad passed away very early. I do have relatives, but we don’t have much contact.”
Xue Yaozu tentatively asked, “Do y-you. Have some problems. At home? Zhang Quan. So suddenly……we were. All. Pretty shocked.”
The old lady replied, “No, nothing like that. We actually lived worse than now in the past. Zhang Quan said that working for you is a lot better than other worksites, and the pay is more generous. He even can send things back home all around the year. These past two years working for you he managed to save up some money and even said that once New years had passed we could see if we could buy a house over in our hometown. Our hometown is small, so the houses are cheap.”
Xue Yaozu and I glanced at each other.
The old lady repeated, “Sorry for causing you trouble.”
Xue Yaozu quickly said, “Not at all. Not at all.”
“I want to look at him a while longer, can you two help me with that?”
I quickly said, “Of course.”
Xue Yaozu and I placed ourselves on each side of the old lady and wanted to support her, but then she got embarrassed and said, “I’m alright, thank you, you two.”
As he was walking, Xue Yaozu said, “If there’s. Anything that y-you. Need. Help. With. Madame, just tell me.”
The old lady said, “There isn’t anything.”
Xue Yaozu, “He. Passed away. On company grounds, y-you’ll. Receive. Compensation.”
The old lady looked at him in astonishment, then said, “We’ve already caused your company to have bad luck. There’s really no need.”
Xue Yaozu replied, “Madame, don’t s-say that. After all, it happened. On company. Grounds.”
The old lady hesitated for a moment, then said, “It truly has nothing to do with you, it’s probably because he has the same illness as his dad.”
Xue Yaozu and I were both shocked.
“His dad died jumping off a building too.”
162.
Zhang Quan’s dad had jumped when Zhang Quan was in elementary school. Back then Zhang Quan was pretty normal, his grades were good, and was very hardworking and strong-willed. But then during the national exams, he inexplicably was in a bad state and did quite badly, and had to repeat a year. During that year, he suddenly told his mother that he didn’t want to continue with academics anymore, that his head hurt and he got insomnia, and really wanted to die.
His mother didn’t force him and let him make his own choices. Staying at home and taking a break was good too.
However, since his family circumstances weren’t that good, Zhang Quan had been quite mature and sensible since childhood, so after resting at home for half a year he couldn’t stand being idle. He was adamant about going with the other villagers to go into the city and work.
His mother didn’t really want him to start working. She couldn’t understand why a perfectly good university student was going to do construction work. But Zhang Quan was adamant about refusing to continue going to university and expressed that he only wanted to do manual labour.
His mother couldn’t do anything about that, and so let him go.
163.
We helped her cremate Zhang Quan’s corpse, and wanted to send her home as well, but she refused. She said, “It’s been many years since I’ve visited the city. Zhang Quan said before that this year at New Years he’d take me to the city and look around for a few days. Now that I’ve come, I want to be with him and take a look around.”
Xue Yaozu wanted to accompany the old lady, but she refused and said it was too much of a bother.
Xue Yaozu didn’t continue trying to change her mind. He just called two of the company’s staff and told them to follow the old lady from a distance, as he was worried the old lady wouldn’t be able to take it and might do something foolish.
164.
Those two guys reported that the old lady didn’t seem to be unable to take it nor too inconsolable. Every day she would bring the urn containing Zhang Quan’s ashes in her bag and bring it along with her to many sites and scenic places in the city. It made those watching feel sad and sympathetic.
After going around like this for a few days, the old lady decided to go back home. She gave Xue Yaozu a call and thanked him, expressing that she was planning on going back tomorrow.
The old lady was pretty sharp, and had caught on early to the people following her. At first, she had even been afraid that it was some bad people, and was a bit confused on how exactly she appeared rich enough to be targeted. Then, she thought about it some more and remembered that she had seen those two people at Xue Yaozu’s company.
Xue Yaozu wanted to go over and see her off, but she wasn’t willing to say the train number and just said that it wasn’t needed and that it would be too much of a bother.
Xue Yaozu kept on asking, and after a long time, the old lady finally said that it was a train at seven in the morning tomorrow.
165.
That night at twelve, those two underlings called Xue Yaozu and said that the old lady had disappeared. It was actually Zhang Quan’s squad leader that had wanted to see the old lady one last time, but found that the old lady had checked out early and left. They searched the surrounding area for a few hours, and even went to the train station and continued looking there for a few more hours, but they still couldn’t find her. Then they phoned Xue Yaozu.
Xue Yaozu and I were all set to tuck in for the night, but when we got this call we sprang out of bed and rushed out immediately like two ninjas.
166.
In truth, we didn’t know where to go find the old lady either.
I thought about it for a while. If the old lady really couldn’t take it, then she must have found a suitable place to commit suicide.
She probably wasn’t going to jump off a building since she doesn’t want to trouble anyone. Then, she’d probably jump into the river.
As Xue Yaozu drove he remarked, “Y-your. Thought process. Is. Pretty peculiar, huh.”
I didn’t say anything.
167.
We really did find the old lady by the river.
She held the bag with the urn filled with ashes to her chest and sat by the bench by the river, staring out at the river in a daze.
It was only then that Xue Yaozu and I breathed out a sigh of relief.
She was also very surprised when she saw us both, then asked, “What are you two doing here?”
Xue Yaozu said, “W-we. Ate some. Late-night snacks. Then decided to take. A s-stroll.”
The old lady smiled, then said, “I also ate some late-night snacks and came out for a stroll. I suddenly remembered that Zhang Quan had said that there was this barbecue restaurant that was especially tasty, that the owner’s daughter was very pretty, and that it had even been featured on TV. So I wanted to come over and take a look.”
Xue Yaozu said, “That’s. Perfect. It’s. Pretty late, let’s. Wait a while then. W-we’ll accompany. Y-you. To the train station, madam.”
The old lady said, a bit sheepishly, “Then I’ll have to bother you two again, it seems.”
As she was speaking the sky brightened. The sun, so red and round, was slowly rising from the river into the sky.
Xue Yaozu asked, “Madame, are. Y-you. Okay going back by. Y-yourself?
The old lady smiled. “I came here alone, but I’ll be two people going back.”
Xue Yaozu was planning on saying something more, but the old lady said, “Don’t worry about me, I won’t take things too hard. I’ve never understood why Zhang Quan’s father took things so hard. Both of them weren’t afraid of death, so how could they be afraid of life? Is there really anything that can’t be moved on from?”
168.
And just like that, we accompanied the old lady to the train station for her return trip.
Xue Yaozu was silent the whole time. He seemed pretty down.
I also didn’t know what to say.
We drove back, then he parked, but didn’t get out of the car. Instead, he asked me, “Is. It really painful?”
“Huh?”
He asked, “Are. Y-you. Willing. To marry me?”
“Huh?”
His thought process was even wilder than an insane person’s.
He asked, “W-what can I. Do to make it. So that. Y-you. Won’t be like. Zhang Quan?”
I said, “In the first place, I’m not like him.”
He didn’t say anything after that.
169.
In truth, I wasn’t all that different from Zhang Quan. I think Zhang Quan must have repeatedly tried to save himself, and it was only because it was just too painful that he chose that route.
But I’m a little bit more of a coward than Zhang Quan, but also a little braver.
I’m not brave enough to die, but I don’t fear life.
Rinrin: this is one of my favourite chapters. The ending man…..please, read it in Chinese if you can, while my translation gets the meaning, the original is always the original after all
Everyone, be safe and reach out for help if you need it, please.
P.S. Also, even though it’s real sad…..It’s their first-ever marriage proposal!!! XYZ you are so sweet, you’re trying your best too.
. “Both of them weren’t afraid of death, so how could they be afraid of life?” out of everything, this is the part that hit me. cries
thanks for the chapter <3
Yeah, I really liked that part as well, especially how RYG takes that and uses it in the end
Thanks for commenting! It really gives me motivation and well, I’m a reader too, so I wanna talk about FRYG with y’all
this part, and this “I’m not brave enough to die, but I don’t fear life.”(╥﹏╥)
This made me cry fr🤧🤧 I would like to read it in chinese but i can’t unfortunately because i can’t read nor speak chinese… if i could i probably wouldn’t be here ah~
Thank you for the chapter!💜💜💜
Hi! For the French part of the text you have a mistake. [C’est une question.]. Is the right way to write it . Thank you for the translations
ah lollll too much chinese and english is making me lose my french….sighs this is bad…..I need to go back to Montréal
thanks for catching that
No problem. I live near Montreal so if you need confirmation on French word you can ask me. It already wonderful that you can transats Chinese and English. Once again thank you for the translation. Keep the good work.
(*≧▽≦)
Thanks~
I’ll try not to bring the mood down this chapter just really brought it all home.
I cant really relate to the main characters very well but I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for most of my life.
Its nice to see these issues respectfully discussed in a non exploitative way though it was kind of hard to read.
I’m glad you liked it, and that you read it even if it was hard. Hope you continue reading, and see that things get better for our protagonist!
Thanks for your hard work!
This story brings back many memories of my youth. I remember having thoughts that basically went the same way of Ren Yigu’s – wanting the pain and hurt to stop, but not wanting to die for that to happen. Yup, this just resonates with me.
Also, there’s a typo – “ 158. When the meeting was **adorned [adjourned] it was already past midnight.”
👌
nooo i really can’t hold back, i cried QAQ too sad man!!! thank u for the chapter~
இ௰இ
I am so damn sad
I cant…. Oh my dear god this hurts so much.
“…Both of them weren’t afraid of death, so how could they be afraid of life? Is there really anything that can’t be moved on from?”
I’m not brave enough to die, but I don’t fear life.
😢😢😢
I pity that grandmother. She had to send off her son, her daughter-in-law and her grandson.
Sometimes trying to live is really hard. But also to live but not living also hard. 🙏🙏🙏 thank you for the chapter.
This line really hits me. My life’s boring and there’s nothing much going on but I love it so much. I love my life so much. It’s too painful to know that some people give up and decide to end their lives. They’re at the end of the cliff and they’re alone, there’s no one to save them. Life is full of hope but they were too tired to look for that hope or even wait for a miracle to happen. What happens in our lives can be painful, can be harsh, and can be tiresome. With this, I hope that we’ll be kinder to each other and I hope that we’ll realize that no matter how painful, how harsh, and how tiresome life can be, there will always be hope because you are simply alive. But maybe they were in a deep abyss of pain and despair that they failed to realize that there is still hope so I wish that they are not alone in their darkest times… It really hurts to know that some people see death as more lovely than life…
I shouldn’t have started reading this while being out of home. My face is swollen from crying
When I was low, when I had suicidal thought, the only thing I was afraif of is making my mom sad. She’s single parent and I’m the only child. One time when I was sober, I asked her what if I take my own life. She was silent for couple of minutes, then said that she wouldn’t know what she would do but she was sure that she would be crazy bcos I’m the only reason she’s alive.
This chapter hits me so hard.
:'(