Sebastian turns away from, toward the wall. It’s the first time he’s done that since they met—turned away from Jordan, that is. he doesn’t usually… Sebastian is affectionate, almost to a fault. He nearly almost has an eye on Jordan when they’re in the same room, as if scared Jordan will vanish when he’s not looking. He likes touch and closeness and wears his emotions on his sleeves. He’s not… distant like this. Not so avoidant.
Jordan bites his lower lip. ”I can leave it here at the door for you, if you’d like. You don’t need to talk to me,” he says, already in the process of doing what he said. There’s a tall table right beside the door, and he carefully places the cup down onto it.
He keeps half-an-eye on Sebastian, waiting for a reaction. When he doesn’t get one, Jordan smiles at him and says, ”I’ll be downstairs, cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. Call for me if you need anything.”
And then he walks away.
He looks back at the end of the hallway, wanting to return. He wants to make Sebastian happy; wants that sad expression off his face. It doesn’t suit him, Jordan thinks. Sebastian’s eyes are always so full of life and emotions and this sad emptiness is unfamiliar. Jordan doesn’t like it, doesn’t want it to color Sebastian’s—everything.
But he’s not going to intrude, not going to force himself into something he doesn’t entirely understand. Because Jordan doesn’t know Sebastian, not the way Sebastian apparently knows Jordan, and Jordan doesn’t know what Sebastian needs when he’s sad. Doesn’t know how to help him properly, or make him feel better. He can’t tell if pushing will make things worse, if Sebastian wants company or not. And he’s not going to risk.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
The ignorance makes him feel like shit, but he pushes that down and cleans the kitchen like he said he would. He makes himself a cup of hot chocolate, too, because why not?
Jordan then plops himself down in the living room, pulls his legs up to his chest and turns on the TV. The disc is already in the DVD and he continues right where he left off, sipping the hot chocolate as he goes. He barely follows along with happens on the screen, his focus too distracted by Sebastian.
Curling his lip, he swallows down the last of his chocolate. It’s not anywhere near hot anymore—it makes him frown as it goes down his throat. But he drinks it all anyway, is too jittery to waste what recourses he’s already used to make it.
Shaking his head softly, Jordan sighs. He puts the cup down on top of an old magazine on the coffee table, fingers lingering on the book beside it. There’s a tall pile of boxes on one end of the table, the one that doesn’t block the TV, and Jordan absentmindedly reads the labels. One is beans, anther toothpaste, yet another fabric. They’re solidly taped shut, and he glances back at the flatscreen TV just in time for one of the female main characters to laugh at a joke he missed.
He frowns. Grabs the remote and rewinds a couple minutes earlier. Then he presses play again and settles down once more against the sofa’s backrest.
With his legs pulled up to his chest and the remote control in his hand, he thusly wiles the time away.
It’s almost two hours later that he hears movement in the stairs, the heavy footfalls making the wood creak. Jordan startles, his grip on the pillow in his lap momentarily tightening, and then he breathes out, in, out—forces himself to not react as Sebastian nearly stumbles into the room. He hears the other man lean on the wall, can hear his rough breathing.
Then Sebastian walks around the couch and drops down onto it. Jordan flinches at the suddenness, somehow less prepared for it because he was following Sebastian’s progress so intently with his hearing.
Jordan gulps. He opens his mouth, wets his lips, and asks somewhat hesitantly, ”Are you… better now?”
”No,” Sebastian says. Jordan looks at him out of the corner of his eyes and readily admits that Sebastian really does not look okay yet. He looks worse than when Jordan last saw him just a few hours ago.
”…Do you want a hug?” Jordan asks, voice somewhat more certain.
Sebastian looks at him for a long, breathtaking moment. His eyes are dark, unit by the lamps hanging before the window. Jordan gulps, feeling his throat aching with the motion, and tries again to smile.
Sebastian turns toward the TV. ”I miss you,” he says. Jordan blinks, for a moment having a difficult time connecting their two conversations. Before he can speak, Sebastian clarifies. ”I miss Jordan.”
Jordan’s eyes blur. Stings. He licks his lips and asks, ”How… were you close?”
”Very,” Sebastian murmurs. The man presses a hand to his eyes, hunching forward. His voice is weak—feeble. ”He was… everything to me. We were… I was… I just miss him.”
The sting in Jordan’s eyes worsen. His hands tingle unpleasantly and his stomach swishes in a nauseating sensation. Jordan frowns to himself, stares at Sebastian and wonders what he can possibly do to make this better. To make Sebastian feel better. Jordan is not the person Sebastian remembers, will likely never be now that the experiences have diverted. That’s just… how humans work.
”I’m sorry,” Jordan says. He draws his legs up tighter. ”Would… do you want to talk about it? Him?”
Sebastian’s breath sounds painful. ”No,” he says. He shakes his head, fingers pressing into his head and messing up his hair. ”I don’t—I just want to sleep without nightmares, without remembering that and I don’t want to forget. I don’t—Jordan doesn’t exist anymore. He’s gone. I’m never going to meet him again.”
Jordan blinks rapidly to clear the blurriness in his vision from stray liquid and says, ”Okay. But just… please just let me know how to help you. I don’t want you to be so sad.”
Oof that hurts–
Oooh i felt that🤕🤕
I can feel the pain ouch
Thank you for the chapter!! <3
I’m really glad you didn’t abandon this story, though! Good to see this being updated again.
Damn feels bad man ~ I wonder if there’s going to be more emotional turmoil because what if he just doesn’t want to love another Jordan anymore that’s what’s Jordan’s going to think and he’s just going to keep his feelings to himself😰