Warnings
Grief, starvation, violence and strangulation.
Fei Li didn’t initially return Lu Qinyi back to his imprisonment. Instead, he brought Lu Qinyi back to his estate where he converted one of the unused rooms into a place to house him and stationed one of his men to guard him. When met with Xi Ming’s look of confusion over this unexpected arrangement, even Fei Li himself wasn’t sure why and had no logical answers for him. Lu Qinyi continued not to speak, not even to question where he was or why he was there, as if trying to protest the cruelty of reality with his silence. His protests were unheard, and reality didn’t change. There was a chance Lu Qinyi no longer even cared where he was or what happened to him. In fact, it seemed like Lu Qinyi no longer cared about anything as he refused to eat or drink. When Fei Li was given reports on Lu Qinyi when he returned from work at the end of each day, it seemed that he would only sleep and nothing else. Fei Li’s brows knitted slightly. Xi Ming, who had been assisting him by carrying a stack of documents, saw Fei Li’s expression and suggested “You could have one of the men force feed him, General Fei.”
Fei Li gave him an unamused look. “Are you volunteering, Lieutenant Xi?”
Xi Ming frowned a little. “I can’t tell if that’s a serious question, General. I would if you allowed me to.”
“It was sarcasm. I’m not stupid enough to put two people who hate one another in the same room, one of you will end up dead. I’ll see him myself, take this back to my room. I’ll deal with them afterwards.”
Xi Ming frowned further as he watched Fei Li walk away. What a waste for your efforts to be spent like this, how is someone like General Lu worth all of this? Xi Ming couldn’t oppose Fei Li so he could only sigh, shake his head and obediently carry out his orders.
Fei Li paused as he reached the room, nodding to acknowledge the salute the guard gave. He reached out but hesitated before he finally pushed the door aside and entered the room. Lu Qinyi was curled on the bed, unresponsive even as the footsteps drew closer to his bedside.
“General Lu.”
Lu Qinyi’s eyes snapped open instantly, his sharp glare fixing on Fei Li’s figure. “What the fuck do you want? Actually, I don’t give a fuck. Get out.” He hissed at him, his voice hoarse with disuse.
“You haven’t been eating.” Fei Li replied calmly.
“So? What business of yours is it?” Lu Qinyi spat back.
It wasn’t any of Fei Li’s business but he still took the bowl of now cold soup that was sitting nearby and held it out to Lu Qinyi. The other sneered, smacking the bowl out of his hand and onto the floor. Fei Li sighed at the mess now on the floor, leaving for a moment to summon a servant to clean the soup up and fetch fresh food. He was immediately back at Lu Qinyi’s bedside once the warm food was delivered. Lu Qinyi once more glared at him darkly and went to smack the food aside in his displeasure. Fei Li reacted quickly to pull it back to safety this time. “Eat and I leave. Or we can keep playing this pointless game of yours. I have all night.”
“Why are you so fucking annoying? Do you get enjoyment out of making my life torture?” Lu Qinyi cursed at him hatefully but Fei Li didn’t back down no matter how he cussed him out. The two stalemated for a long time before Lu Qinyi finally lost his temper, snatching the food out of Fei Li’s grip. He forced down a few mouthfuls, looking a bit more pale afterwards before he shoved the bowl back into Fei Li’s hands. “I hope malevolent ghosts gnaw on your bones when you rot in the netherworld.” Lu Qinyi muttered as he glared daggers into Fei Li again. Fei Li’s expression and gaze were unreadable as he turned to leave the room once more.
—
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
Fei Li would return to Lu Qinyi’s room at least once a day to bother him into eating regardless of whatever curses the other spat at him. A few times, Lu Qinyi would just glare at him before he angrily chewed a few bites so Fei Li would leave again. However, it wasn’t long enough before Lu Qinyi fell quiet again. He was no longer cursing Fei Li out, as if he couldn’t be bothered to do even that anymore. Fei Li found himself wishing he would as the silence was deafening. And soon enough, Lu Qinyi wouldn’t even acknowledge him. When Fei Li came in, Lu Qinyi simply turned his back to him and shut his eyes, ignoring Fei Li’s presence, as well as the food he brought with him. Fei Li found himself unsure of what to do so he simply stayed there in silence.
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Finally however, Lu Qinyi lost his patience, hissing out a “Just fucking leave already.”
Fei Li let out a silent breath of relief. “You haven’t eaten yet.”
Lu Qinyi shot him a death glare from behind the loose hair that spilled over his face before he pulled himself up into a sitting position. He grabbed the bowl, downing all of its contents before he furiously threw the bowl at Fei Li. He then rolled back over, curling in on himself as he closed his eyes again. Fei Li held the bowl that had been thrown at him as he gazed at Lu Qinyi’s back, not with any sense of anger, only a helpless pity and… guilt. That uncomfortable feeling in his gut, that suffocating pressure on his lungs. It was guilt. Fei Li gripped the bowl a little tighter before turning away and walking from the room.
—
The next day, Lu Qinyi once more ignored Fei Li. Only this time, no matter how long Fei Li sat there, Lu Qinyi stubbornly continued to ignore him. Fei Li thought he really might be sitting there the whole night, it was already so late.
“General Lu…” He began, unsure of what he was going to say. But he noticed that when he spoke, Lu Qinyi twitched, the most response he had given yet.
Fei Li’s brows rose. “General Lu.” He called again. Once more Lu Qinyi twitched slightly. Slowly, Fei Li began to form a theory.
He began quietly talking to Lu Qinyi. He didn’t really know what to talk about, Fei Li wasn’t much of a talker in the first place. So he just started listing the name of every sword technique he knew. Lu Qinyi slowly began to curl further and further in on himself before he pulled the blanket over his head, as if trying to escape the noise. But Fei Li kept talking. Lu Qinyi’s fingers curled into the blanket in his irritation before he tried to press his hands to his ears. But even that didn’t block out the sound of Fei Li’s voice until finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. He threw off the blanket as he erupted. “Can you just shut up?! Just shut up! Be quiet!”
I guessed correctly. He can’t stand the sound of my voice. “No, not yet. I can’t stop until you eat.”
“Why the fuck not? You’re so good at it every other time like a fucking ghost that exists to haunt me. Just cut your worthless tongue out and bury it or something, just get lost! Leave! I can’t fucking stand you!” Lu Qinyi slumped back and threw his arm over his face in exasperation.
Fei Li only steeled his expression further, uttering a single word in reply. “Eat.”
Lu Qinyi ground his teeth in irritation but as Fei Li began that endless droning once more, Lu Qinyi finally snatched up the bun from him and bit into it. He shoved the remains at the other man before pulling the blanket over his head again, wishing Fei Li out of existence.
—
Lu Qinyi had tossed and turned for hours before he finally fell into another restless sleep. Dreams rose and fell like waves and memories rose up like bubbles from beneath the surface of his consciousness. Vaguely he could hear his own voice, tinged with a child’s youth as he called out.
“Jiejie, jiejie, look, I found a frog in the creek! Do you think Mother and Father will let me keep it?”
He could see a younger Lu Yanlin, perhaps only 13 or 14 at the time. She had put her hands on her hips and glared at him with her lips pursed in disapproval. “You didn’t find it, you stole it. You have to put it back, its home is the creek, not our koi pond.”
–
“Jie, look at the new move I learnt!”
Lu Yanlin looked up from her book, she had been about 16 at that time. She had watched Lu Qinyi’s demonstration as he excitedly performed for her with his child sized bamboo training sword. As he ran up to her, she reached out to pat his head “Good, you’ve been practising. You’ll master the whole book of techniques in no time.”
–
“Yanlin-Jiejie, I can explain.”
Lu Yanlin leaned in the door frame. The tender, soft and rounded features of a child had grown out. She was already a fine young lady in her early 20’s now. “What’s there to explain, you’re sneaking back into the house in the middle of the night. It’s clear you went out to play, didn’t you?” She drawled while Lu Qinyi fidgeted nervously under her gaze.
Finally, he looked up at her with a hopeful smile. “… I brought you back a peach blossom wine.”
“…” She frowned faintly before turning to let him through the doorway. “Just this once. Bribery is a terrible habit, Siyu.”
He had laughed as he skipped inside, passing Lu Yanlin her bribe as he did. “I know, I’ll be good in the future, I promise Jiejie.”
–
Lu Qinyi slowly opened his eyes. It was still that strange foreign room he didn’t recognise. He was still here. He looked down and tugged the plain robe he wore aside to expose his abdomen where that same scar still sat, a permanent branding of his failure. This was still real. Yanlin was still dead.
He hadn’t woken up from this nightmare yet. No matter how many times he shut his eyes, shut it all out, when he woke up, this nightmare still wasn’t over.
Lu Qinyi reached a hand beneath his pillow to pull out the two hairpins he had stashed there, the ones he had slipped into his sleeve as he gave his farewells to his sister. He stared at them blankly before he clutched them to his chest, curling himself around them. He wished he wouldn’t wake up anymore.
—
Fei Li had been quietly reading over documents in his study when a panicked servant burst through his door. Breathless and chest heaving from running so fast, the servant didn’t bring good news. There was a situation with Lu Qinyi. Fei Li threw the documents aside and immediately rushed to Lu Qinyi’s room. When he arrived, he found the guard who was keeping watch looking rather pale in the face. The guard looked relieved when Fei Li arrived to deal with the situation. “Gen-general Fei- I wanted to stop him but your instructions… He just lost it and started going berserk all of a sudden!” The guard had been incredibly uncomfortable watching it all unfold and he had been uncertain of whether the rampage would turn on him next. But Fei Li had been clear; unless Lu Qinyi tried to leave, the guard was not permitted to touch him. Every other situation was to be reported to Fei Li to deal with himself.
“It’s fine. Stand aside,” Fei Li dismissed as he walked past the guard and into the room, shutting the door behind him. For a moment, even Fei Li was taken aback by the pure amount of destruction. Lu Qinyi had torn the room apart. Ribbons of fabric and splinters of wood were littered everywhere and broken furniture pieces scattered about the room. Although the room had only really had the basics, almost nothing had been left undestroyed. And in the centre of it all was Lu Qinyi. It seemed after he had vented his rage out, he had slumped to the floor. He sat there with his head bowed, staring at the ground. Fei Li cautiously stepped through the debris, watching alertly for a reaction. But even as he drew closer, Lu Qinyi didn’t react, like a marionette with its strings cut. Or perhaps describing him as an empty shell would be more accurate. Even when Fei Li crouched by his side, he didn’t move at all.
“General Lu?” Fei Li wanted to ask if he was alright but there was an obvious answer to such a dumb question. When Fei Li spoke, much to his surprise, Lu Qinyi actually slowly raised his head. His gaze fixed on Fei Li. Then he struck out as quick as a flash of lightning, shoving Fei Li down while he pressed the other to the ground with a knee weighing on his chest. Fei Li could hardly even gasp in surprise when the other already had his hands around his throat. Lu Qinyi applied more and more pressure until he had forced the breath out of Fei Li’s lungs. Lu Qinyi could feel the strumming of Fei Li’s frantic heartbeat beneath his fingers, his hurried breaths as he desperately tried to intake more air. He could see the way Fei Li’s brows scrunched at the searing pain welling up in his lungs as his body cried out for oxygen. But Fei Li didn’t resist, didn’t try to defend himself at all. Lu Qinyi could kill him. Fei Li knew he could kill him. And yet, Fei Li didn’t move. His fingers simply dug into the cold wood beneath him and his vision blurred. Even when his lungs felt like they could burst at any moment while those fingers dug so painfully into his neck, Fei Li motionlessly accepted this fate. But at the last moment, just when Fei Li’s vision tinged with darkness, Lu Qinyi suddenly released him.
Although he could blame Fei Li, the fault for it all really lied with himself. He hated Fei Li, but he hated himself more.
Fei Li choked and spluttered as he gasped in large gulps of air. He clutched at his stinging throat while Lu Qinyi pulled off of him and slumped back against the damaged bed frame. He pulled his knees to his chest and bowed his head. “Get out.”
Fei Li slowly and unsteadily rose to his feet with his hand still protectively held over his neck that was quickly discolouring with bruises. He felt light headed from the blood still racing through him at the near death experience and even his ears seemed to be ringing. But he still forced his posture straight as he made his way from the room with very careful and slow steps to keep from falling over. The guard looked incredibly panicked when he saw Fei Li emerge from the room in such a state but after receiving a flat look from his general, he shut his mouth without a word. Fei Li closed the door behind him again, submerging the ruined room and the figure curled within the mess into darkness.
Author’s Notes:
Not sure if this is what you thought the care would look like Aerlind xD
Lu Qinyi has hit rock bottom and I keep digging him in deeper, I’m a very cruel creator. He lost the one thing he couldn’t stand to lose, so he will get worse before he gets better. I really wanted the contrast between Lu Qinyi at his peak and Lu Qinyi at his worst to be so bad that you can hardly even recognise him as the same person.
Many thanks to alpha reader Rae for her quick turn around of edits so I can upload these chapters sooner, and to Aerlind and Miyori for the loyal support and comments 💕
omg that wad angsty aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why thank you~ I poured my finest cup of tears, angst and pain into it.
It really makes me wonder, does Qinyi regrets at all saving Fei Li in the past? Did he realise from the start what war was about, and how things would have turned out if they lost the battle? Previously, it felt like he took it as a game. If he could turn back time, would he still be kind to his enemy?
It hurts because the tables have turned. And it hurts to see someone like Qinyi reduced to this state, he has lost so much. For some reason, I find this chapter most devastating to read *tears open my new bar of chocolate
Thanks for the chapter dear author! <3 Not gonna lie, I hope the healing begins soon! (Though it sounds like the worst is yet to come T_T)
Well, its safe to say Qinyi paid a tall price for his naivety. He thought he could handle anything, and he could pay whatever price. He was wrong. You’re absolutely correct! He treated everything like a game. A very interesting question indeed~ I won’t give an answer because I think its more fun that way, you understand the character so well, you might already be able to guess.
Thats unfortunately my aim, pain! Thats what I was hoping for. So it will be really worth it and you can cheer with the characters as things get better, and enjoy the joys and good times when they are finally back again. The sun shines again after the storm clouds. gives more chocolate bars Hang in there Miyori!
You’re very welcome!! Thank you for reading (and suffering) along. Chapter 43 (The one I’m currently writing) is the beginning of the healing arc. I’m excited, it will be a wholesome chapter. It’ll be a battle but its slow, uphill progress from there.
Qinyi, oh Qinyi, he really is going through it. We’ve really gone away from his light-hearted days, and it shows. I’m still going to hope he is going to get cared for! And now I hope it for poor Fei Li too, it’s not easy to just let someone strangle you no matter how guilty you feel. Aaahhh! Evil author! (I still love it, but I also hope the best for the boys! Wrap them in bubblewrap so no one can hurt them again!)
Thank you for another chapter that kept me a little on my toes. I wasn’t sure what Qinyi was going to do, and I can’t help but fear there is going to be consequences eventually for Fei Li too for trying to treat him nicely. The army is enough baffled with his behaviour, and now he comes back with strangulation marks? Yikes.
I hope you have, still, a wonderful week! Please take care! ❤
I KNOW, I’M SORRY! I DESERVE A PILLOW TO THE FACE!
I knoow, poor thing. They’re all so pitiful. Fei Li is pitiful too. As of the chapter after next (chapter 43) things will begin to slowly improve and eventually, we’ll be back to lighthearted days again, with Fei Li included too!
Thank you for the comment and for loving the characters and story as much as I do! Hang in there Aerlind!!