Huo Ran wakes up on Friday the 13th with his left eye twitching. “Is something going to happen today? Nah I’m overthinking it.” Facts prove that he wasn’t overthinking it when he spots a familiar icy visage in the dressing room of the variety show he is supposed to be filming that day. Slipping out of the venue, he angrily pulls out his phone, and dials a number. Before the person on the other end can say anything he speaks.
“What the hell is he doing here?” Huo Ran pauses while the other person says something.
“What? Bai you’d better tell me what the hell is going on-”
“Huo Ran.” Huo Ran looks up to see Mo Lan standing in front of him.
“You-” click, Bai on the other end quickly takes his moment of distraction to hang up on him.
“That little…” Huo Ran mutters, looking down at his phone and gritting his teeth. Then he snaps his head back up.
“And what are you doing here? Do you even know what this is??”
“I’m here to discipline you.” Mo Lan proclaims self-righteously.
“What?” Huo Ran’s mouth drops open. “Discipline me?”
“Yes, and show you that cultivation is the only way.”
“By participating in a variety show?” Huo Ran says. Mo Lan frowns, as if he too is a little confused how he landed up there. “Your friend said-” but before he can say anything further, one of the staff comes in. “Huo Ran! Mo Lan! It’s almost time.”
Huo Ran resists the urge to clutch his face and groan. Bai what the hell have you gotten me into now?
Meanwhile, at another place Bai is lying upside down on the couch, decimating a bag of potato chips. “Achoo!” He suddenly sneezes.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“Ran must be thinking about me!”
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“Jtf!” Djl qbear. “Po P vlvc’a lcafgofgf atfc Zb Ojc kbeiv tjnf ajxfc tlw yjmx ys obgmf.”
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“Well…he’ll get to see him in action and understand that cultivation isn’t the only route for him!”
Jiang Ren raises an eyebrow. “Is that all you were thinking?”
Bai pauses, then a devious grin lights up his face. “Of course not! You know I love matchmaking!”
Back to the variety show…
“Hello Ladies and Gentleman and welcome to today’s episode of “Not My Job”. This is the show where we have people with different jobs, try something new!” Claps ring out across the audience.
“First up for today, we have a well known musician. He won the best album award for his album, Raging Flames, can you guess who it is? That’s right, it’s Huo Ran!” Cheers and screams ring out across the audience, especially from the females.
“Next up we have a famous chef…that’s right it’s Jessie Yen!…” Besides Huo Ran, the host goes on to introduce a chef, a leading biology researcher, and a Chinese painter. “Now, for our final guest, he’s a secluded master of martial arts who’s as cold as ice, please welcome Mo Lan!” It’s silent, until Mo Lan steps out from behind the curtain. Immediately shrieks echo from the audience as they’re stunned by this sudden beauty that appeared out of nowhere. Huh? Did you say martial arts master? Are you sure you didn’t mean model? Look at that face, look at that perfect body, what a stone cold beauty, he’s on par with Huo Ran!
“Alright, so this is how our show works. We have five challenges for our contestants, each of which centers around one of the contestants’ jobs. The other four contestants must complete this challenge and they will be ranked by the expert contestant for that challenge. For example, during our music round, Huo Ran will be ranking the other four contestants. Some competitions will be individual and some will be in groups created via lottery. The person or group with the highest rank for a round gets a point. In the end whoever has the highest points wins! Is everyone ready to get started?”
Of course that’s a rhetorical question so, as much as Huo Ran wishes he could turn back time and beat up Bai before he can ever concoct such a ridiculous plan, he can’t and the show goes on as everyone claps with an enthusiastic smile except Mo Lan with his perpetually frosty and above the common populace temperament and Huo Ran, attempting to smile while suppressing his furrowed brows.
“So our first challenge is cooking and we’ll be making…pots stickers judged by our contestant, Jessie Yen! Jessie, I heard you’re familiar with pot stickers?”
The older woman softly smiles and responds, describing how her mother used to make them for her as a child. Huo Ran glances towards Mo Lan. What was Bai thinking??? He’s been in closed door cultivation for 800 years so he hasn’t eaten in at least that long, probably longer. Furthermore, he doesn’t even know how to use modern appliances!
“…Huo Ran?” Huo Ran perks up his ears as he hears the host address him and smoothly answers her question, betraying none of the inner anxiety rocketing through his mind
“Yeah, I’m a slightly picky eater so I’ve cooked a little myself.” He responds. If either Bai or Jiang Ren were to hear that then they’d make disbelieving expressions. Once cultivators reach a certain age, they no longer require food and Huo Ran, – despite his recent complacency in cultivation – having been a prodigy, (not a genius, that’s Mo Lan), has long since reached that stage. However Huo Ran happens to be a very rare species of creature amongst cultivators…a foodie. And while his appetite hasn’t abated in the past centuries, his palate has certainly become narrower, to the point that there’s very few dishes from certain, specific places that he can stomach besides his own cooking.
Mo Lan’s gaze slowly floats over to rest on the young man animatedly speaking into the mike. Seeing how he shines under the stage, an unfamiliar appearance to him, Mo Lan’s brows imperceptibly furrow.
“Alright then. So the rules for this round are simple. Contestants will be paired up into two groups of two. Each group will get the necessary ingredients, recipe, and will be given a specific amount of time…Now, we’ll pick partners. Jessie, will you do the honor?” The host hands her an upside down chef’s hat and the older woman picks out two names. Huo Ran covertly crosses his fingers behind his back.
“The first two names picked will be partners. And they are…” Huo Ran squeezes his fingers tightly together. Mo Lan sends him a strange look wondering, why is he twisting his fingers? Is that a strange cultivation technique? But there’s no spiritual energy coming from it?
“Huo Ran and Mo Lan!” Huo Ran exhales, feeling his heart sharply drop. Thank god, if anyone else had to deal with him, this archaic shut-in cultivator…Huo Ran shivers. Mo Lan, with his senses strengthened by his cultivation, naturally hears the exhale and quirks the edge of his lip. Does he want to be with me that badly? Within moments the tables with the instructions and ingredients are set up.
“Alright contestants, get ready, set, and go!” A loud foghorn blasts through the room and the contestants get to work. Huo Ran grabs the green onions and starts chopping thin, finely cut slices. He rapidly finishes this and turns to peeling the ginger. Then he proceeds to mix the ground pork, onions, spices, and sauces in a bowl. Mo Lan watches him, his brow furrowing further and further. After several moments Huo Ran is finally unable to ignore the piercing gaze on his back. He looks up with an exasperated sigh.
“What?”
“You…are making secular food?”
“Yes.”
“We do not eat secular food.”
“I do. And besides, that’s not the point. This is a competition, our goal in this round is to make the best pot stickers.” Huo Ran replies, his gaze back on his ingredients. Mo Lan furrows his brow and humphs disapprovingly. He gazes at Huo Ran quickly but efficiently mixing the dough, kneading it, flattening it, cutting it,…etc. Then he looks towards the other contestants, doing the same, albeit less efficiently. Mo Lan hears the host frequently make comments and asking the competitors questions. He watches all this and feels his competitive spirit itch, especially watching Huo Ran’s rapid movements and the oohing and ahing of the host in response. However, this is not cultivation nor one of the ancient arts that Mo Lan knows well, it’s a world far outside anything he has ever touched, nor something he ever wants to touch-
“Give me that.”
Hearing Mo Lan’s voice, Huo Ran looks up. “This?” He holds up the pot sticker he’s about to fold.
“Yes.”
He blinks. Mo Lan is interested in cooking? “Here.” Huo Ran hands the pot sticker over then demonstrates how to properly fold one. Mo Lan attempts to imitate him. Then the two solemnly peer at the deformed blob on the table. “Ooo, what is this?” The host, noticing Mo Lan’s participation, comes over, then pauses, before bursting into laughter. “You’re not big on cooking are you, Mo Lan?” Mo Lan’s brows furrow even deeper and Huo Ran laughs awkwardly, while glancing at Mo Lan to make sure he doesn’t explode. “Er…how about I take over?” He asks. Mo Lan doesn’t respond. Taking that as acquiescence, Huo Ran finishes folding the rest of the pot stickers.
Mo Lan stands to the side watching as Huo Ran finishes folding the last pot sticker, fries the bunch, and lets it cool. He stands to the side watching as Jessie examines the pot stickers one by one. He stands to the side watching as she finally awards the point to him and Huo Ran, who’s pot stickers (except for the lumpy one) are easily of superb quality, both in appearance and taste. Mo Lan stands there watching, seemingly uncaring, but in his heart he writes the whole incident down.
The following challenge is a biology quiz with partners and a buzzer. Unfortunately, Huo Ran and Mo Lan are separated with the former being paired with Jessie and the latter with the thin, wiry painter. Huo Ran and Jessie smoothly win while Mo Lan and the painter are left arguing about the neuroscience question:
Mo Lan: “Naturally the dantian is in the center!
Disgruntled Partner: “That doesn’t exist!”
– Excerpts from a dysfunctional partnership
After that comes the painting challenge where Mo Lan, having mastered all the ancient arts, renders a lifelike depiction of a serene landscape, unpolluted by the ruckus of modern day, in a few simple brushstrokes. The Chinese painter awards Mo Lan the point highly unwillingly (did I mention HIGHLY unwillingly). Seeing the painting, Huo Ran remains spellbound for a moment, his mind flashing with memories from centuries back.
Next comes the martial arts challenge where the contestants are taught a particular move in order to break a block of wood. Jessie shocks everyone with her surprising vigor. However, Huo Ran is naturally the winner although Mo Lan gives a snort of contempt as he selects him (“how useless, competing with mortals!”) Throughout the whole round, the host struggles to make Mo Lan, who values his words more than gold, speak. Once Huo Ran wins the martial arts round, she quickly hands him the microphone, sighing with relief thinking this fellow Mo Lan was recommended by a big shot. And he was recommended so last minute too! But turns out all he has is a pretty face, what’s the use in that?
At this point Huo Ran has three points, Mo Lan has two, Jessie has two, and the rest have zero. It’s up to the final competition to see whether a tie breaker is required.
Author’s Note:
Hi, if you’ve read this thus far, thanks for reading! I have a confession to make, I actually haven’t written the next chapter although I have the ending done. I’m still deciding if Mo Lan should win this round and more importantly, if he wins will there be a tiebreaker and what should it be??? I’m seriously struggling to think of ideas for a good tie breaker so if anyone thinks of any, can you comment below? There’s no guarantee I’ll use anyone’s idea but as soon as I’m inspired or I come up with something I’ll immediately write up the next chapter and post the rest of the story (it’s short, only 6 or 7 chapters). Also, if I do use some or all of your idea, I’ll mention you in the next chapter’s author’s note. Thanks! – Cynical Strawberry
I thjnk that Mo Lan would lose and he’d be bewildered why he can’t win, competing with mortals, and is then urged to learn more about the modern world~
I don’t know much about variety shows but maybe they could have a competition based on memory as both cultivators should be pretty good at remembering things.
Thanks for the chapter!
Hahaha. Watch him diss Huo Ran in front of millions for not cultivating properly.
Oh my god this is so funny!! If I had realized it I would have strted reading in weeks ago.. I’m feelig q