Looking down at my face up close, he replied. His hand, which had been entering the navigation, stopped.
“It’s fusion Korean cuisine, and I’ve heard it’s quite good. Desserts also have good reviews.”
“Is it far from here?”
“Not really. Will you keep smiling like that?”
“Oh-.”
His right hand suddenly covered mine resting on the seat. His warm fingers intertwined with mine as if they were entwining between my fingers. I felt my fingers being pressed heavily.
“Are you hungry?”
He looked deep into my eyes and asked in a low voice.
I nodded quickly because I had rushed out and had a light breakfast.
Han Team Leader closed his eyes and started the ignition with his left hand. The car smoothly came to life. The navigation started guiding us with a dull voice. His right hand, which had briefly held the steering wheel to get out of the parking space, once again enveloped the back of my hand. This time, he turned my hand over so that our palms touched, intertwining our fingers. A warm pulse, almost like a throb, was transmitted.
I seemed to be someone who could barely drive with both hands, but he could do it perfectly well with just one hand. He lent me his hand throughout the drive, and I explored the round and neat surface of his nails with my fingertips or the thin flesh between his fingers, which felt like a thin claw.
In particular, I moved my fingertips along the tight and beautiful curve between his thumb and index finger. When I lightly pressed the fine veins on the slightly swollen back of his hand with my nails, faint marks were left. Intrigued by the quickly fading marks, I pressed a bit harder for a bit longer. I heard his voice, suppressed as if from above.
“Lee Seodan.”
“Oh… Are you hurt? I’m sorry.”
Even though I tried to rub it away, the fine marks remained. I gently stroked it with my fingertips out of guilt.
Just as the car turned into an alley, Han Team Leader hesitated, pulling his hand away from mine as we drove along the narrow street. He didn’t return his hand even on the straight stretch after that.
It seemed that we weren’t far from the parking lot. The parking lot with a roof seemed completely full, but he deftly parked the car in a narrow spot that had appeared in the meantime.
I raised my empty palm and waited, but he hesitated when he turned off the ignition. Maybe I thought we had become accustomed to it, and he would hold my hand again after parking. But even though it was possible in the car, it was impossible on the street in broad daylight. I knew it, but the slightly warm palm that had naturally become mine seemed to demand its warmth back, pricking me. It was a habit, but it felt like I had made a big mistake.
“What’s that?”
As soon as we got out of the car, Han Team Leader asked.
“This thing you’ve been carrying around since earlier.”
“Huh?”
He must have been referring to the white bag I had carefully stored on the shaded ground before getting out of the car. I double-checked that the sunlight didn’t reach it through the window and replied.
“It’s scones and orange marmalade… Supervisor Kim made them herself.”
“Is the marmalade used for cooking? It’s useless for Lee Seodan, isn’t it?”
As I got used to the air conditioning in the car, it was so hot outside that my mouth was momentarily blocked. It was merciless heat, as if I had entered a sauna by mistake. I barely managed to clear my muddled mind and replied.
“You can… make juice out of it. If you mix it with water, it becomes orange juice, and if you mix it with sparkling water, it becomes a carbonated drink….”
We were at the crosswalk. People with red faces were fanning themselves all around, but Han Team Leader looked perfectly fine even with a tie. While waiting for the pedestrian signal, I made use of his shade and continued.
“If you come to my house later, I’ll treat you too, Team Leader.”
“…Sure, looking forward to it.”
“If you want some scones, I can give you one or so.”
It might not be too much of a slight to Supervisor Kim since she had given them to me. Somehow, Supervisor Kim seemed like she would glare at Han Team Leader just for mentioning ‘one.’ While I was trying to remember the number of scones, the signal changed. As we started walking, Han Team Leader laughed, making a deflating sound.
“What about the rest?”
“The rest given by her… I’ll freeze them and plan to eat them for breakfast every day.”
I felt strangely full at the thought that breakfast was taken care of for a few days.
Han Team Leader remained silent until we arrived at the spacious and sophisticated interior restaurant, passing through the lobby and elevator.
Just by looking at the interior of the hall and the subtle music, I could tell it was a fairly expensive restaurant. Following the staff dressed in modified hanbok attire, I checked my wallet in my pocket. I anticipated a confrontation at the counter when we leave.
Although there were empty tables in the hall, we were guided to a small room. It seemed that he had made a reservation in advance.
As soon as we sat down, two staff members wheeled in a trolley and set up neatly arranged side dishes and what seemed to be a delicate porridge on the white tablecloth as the first course. After the staff left, I felt a strong sense of guilt towards the supervisor who would still be waiting for me with a tray at the company cafeteria.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded towards Han Team Leader, who was asking.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“It looks delicious.”
“Ofjnf ktja sbe vbc’a ilxf jcv ags j njglfas bo vlrtfr.”
Qlat cfja mtbqralmx rxliir, tf qlmxfv eq mbibgoei rlvf vlrtfr jcv qijmfv atfw bc ws qijaf. P jirb qlmxfv eq j gbecv yec ogbw atf qijaf atja ibbxfv vfilmlber jcv qijmfv la bc tlr qijaf. Snfc atbeut atf ajyif kjrc’a atja klvf jcv tlr jgwr mbeiv fjrlis gfjmt, P vlvc’a tfrlajaf.
“It’s okay.”
After taking a bite of the bun, he said. Curious, he flicked my chopsticks towards his plate. After picking up the bun himself, he casually placed the chopsticks in front of my lips.
“Eat it.”
“….”
“Before anyone comes in.”
The end of his sentence was firm and slightly rough, as if it were an order, not a suggestion.
Feeling my cheeks burning, I quickly swallowed what was in my mouth and accepted his chopsticks between my lips. Even though the round bun was already on my tongue, the solid metal chopstick tip did not escape from my mouth but slowly pushed deeper in, pressing against the delicate skin inside my cheek as the chopsticks opened inside my mouth.
I couldn’t move under his gaze and struggled to breathe, feeling as if my breath was being held back. The anticipation of someone opening the door and entering heightened the tension.
The sweet taste of the slowly melting bun on my tongue mixed with the sensation of the solid chopstick gently stirring the tender flesh in my mouth. Looking into his eyes as he teased me with the chopsticks, it felt like being kissed with both hands and feet tied up in a firm embrace.
His hand holding the end of the table was sweaty. Whether it was his body temperature or mine, the heated chopstick scraped against the roof of my mouth. My spine shivered. Unable to bear it any longer, I hunched over and swallowed the sweet saliva pooled in my mouth.
With a gentle voice, the door opened, and the next course came in.
As the food on the table was replaced and we were left alone in the room again, he spoke quietly with a settled voice, looking down at the plate.
“Do you have plans for tonight?”
“…No.”
Even though there was no reason for my mouth to be swollen, my pronunciation came out muddled. Han Team Leader tapped the side of the plate as if contemplating something.
“Then… no, don’t wait for me after the activities are over. I might not know when it will end. If it ends earlier than expected, I’ll contact you.”
“…Okay.”
“Sleep at your house tonight. Don’t stay up waiting for my call.”
It seemed unlikely even to me. If it was an entertainment event, he would surely be tied up until dawn, and tomorrow was a weekday when we both had to go to work. I ignored the heat rising in my lower abdomen and focused on eating.
He seemed to think that he had teased me enough in public places. As the remaining courses came out and we ate dessert, he continued with ordinary conversation with a calm face. It was about evaluations of the food and ongoing project discussions.
On the other hand, I almost missed the flow of conversation. Even in the air-conditioned indoors, my thoughts swirled as if I had been hit by heatstroke. In the end, I had carelessly relaxed my guard against his plans to definitely calculate today’s events, and I miserably failed to take advantage of the opportunity.
As we left the restaurant, there was hardly any time left to have coffee. It was time to hurry back to the company if we didn’t want to be late. Under the scorching sun, I crossed the street and got back into the passenger seat of the car he was driving.
[Estimated travel time is 12 minutes.]
When he started the engine, the navigation system calmly notified.
I lowered my gaze in disappointment as the lunch hour passed in the blink of an eye. He was great as my boss, but I didn’t want to give him up as the lover sitting next to me right now.
Working under him was so smooth and fulfilling that I couldn’t ask for more, but whenever he treated me like any other subordinate, I couldn’t help but feel a slight sense of loss. I disliked my position of silently watching as other female colleagues intentionally made excuses to talk to him, passing by my side with a triumphant look on their faces.
The estimated travel time displayed on the dashboard screen had decreased to 11 minutes. As the car left the parking lot, it slightly jostled on the curb.
The slight jolt caused a small thorn that had been stuck in my chest for some time to sway. Finally, the question I had been trying to cautiously ask for a while slipped out between my lips.
“Team Leader.”
“Yes?”
“Have you… ever dated anyone before?”
The alley wasn’t that long. If we turned onto the main road again, I might have been able to hold his hand just like when we came. His forehead subtly furrowed as I asked the question.
“Why are you suddenly curious about that?”
“Just… curious.”
“If Lee Seodan’s question refers to dating, I’ve never dated anyone other than Lee Seodan, nor have I ever thought about it.”
“….”
“But Lee Seodan probably already knows that. So, this isn’t what you’re really asking, is it?”
For a few seconds, the air inside the car felt thin and cool. Before continuing, Han Team Leader let out a slow exhale. His voice, when it finally came, was devoid of any discernible emotion.
“What are you curious about? If you’re asking, I’ll answer if I can.”
“…Team Leader.”
“I don’t know why you suddenly have that curiosity, but if you want to know, you should ask.”
I already regretted opening this conversation, but at the same time, I was retreating, feeling the unpolished words filling my mouth. It was like watching a ribbon-tailed kite slipping away, missing the chance and watching it fade away.
“Just… Have you ever considered dating someone from another company before, Team Leader?”
“No, I haven’t.”
He replied curtly. It was a calm voice that didn’t reveal any emotions.
“And even if that question applies regardless of gender, it’s impossible for all other conditions except gender to be the same.”
“So, if all other conditions were the same, except for gender… would that… affect your choice, Team Leader?”
“It’s impossible for all other conditions to be exactly the same.”
“I mean, not literally the same, but in terms of objective evaluation or your preferences-”
“Right now, this question seems unrelated to the previous one. If you have something to say, why don’t you just say it?”
“…”
“It’s not that I’m avoiding answering after understanding, is it?”
His hand on the steering wheel tightened visibly. I was already feeling the sting of the unspoken response, alone, buzzing with a strange fervor. Avoiding him and staring out the front window of the car, I continued speaking.
“Before I met you, I didn’t realize, but being able to openly talk in the company, hold hands in public, and have everyone around us accept our relationship… those things are definitely important, right? There’s a clear difference between things working out and not working out, and-.”
“….”
“So, I don’t have a choice, but you do… things that won’t work with me, might work with someone else under the same conditions, Team Leader.”
“I think I understand what you’re trying to say now.”
His voice was low and composed. If it had been a time when I didn’t know him well, I might not have noticed the simmering anger ready to explode between his clear enunciations.
“So what you’re saying is, Lee Seodan is gay, so he had no choice but to choose me, but if he had a preference for women, he would have chosen a woman with similar conditions to me, right?”
“It’s not that…”.
“No, I understand.”
He interrupted me sharply. The sharp edge of his words stung, leaving me unable to argue further. I opened my mouth a few more times to say that wasn’t what I meant, but each time, my thoughts became jumbled and scattered.
In the meantime, the car arrived at the company without stopping at a single traffic light. As we descended into the underground parking lot, I heard my own labored breaths wandering through the heavy silence.
Stopping the car in front of the elevator instead of our usual parking spot, he coldly said, “Get out.”
“Team Leader.”
“Let’s talk later. Supervisor Kim is probably waiting upstairs.”
It was true. My phone was vibrating repeatedly with messages from Supervisor Kim. His words sounded like an accusation, cutting through time and place, and I bit my lip.
The parking lot wasn’t empty like a late night. Cars filled the spaces, and where we stood was a pathway for people who had come back from lunch to pass by to take the elevator.
“Lee Seodan.”
How did the situation end up like this all of a sudden? He sighed like a burden to me, holding onto the car door handle. “I understand, so just go upstairs for now. I’ll contact you.”
“…Okay.”
I dared not look at him, fearing I wouldn’t be able to control my expression. With trembling fingertips, I opened the door and got out. I watched silently as his car, soon to park, moved away. Then, I hesitantly walked towards the empty elevator.
There were a few other people in the elevator besides me. With the addition of those waiting on the first floor, it became crowded to the point where there was no room to breathe. The smell of summer sweat permeated the elevator. It wasn’t until we reached the fourth floor, with people exiting and pushing, that I could regain my composure.
Except for a message from my supervisor asking if I was almost there, my phone was clean. I wandered aimlessly until I found myself in a deserted hallway. Sounds of the copier running and people chatting after lunch echoed from a distance. Leaning against the white hallway wall, I closed my eyes and tried to calm my pounding heart.
It wasn’t my intention, and I didn’t mean to say that.
I was impatient, as if trying to prove my useless regrets. Lately, I had been expecting him to understand my vague anxieties. Except for occasional arguments, we hadn’t fought much since the early days of our relationship. But I was the one who caused unnecessary fights by fussing over little things, even though he took the time to find a restaurant and take me out for meals amidst his busy schedule.
While I was pondering over my futile regrets, my phone rang. My supervisor’s voice sounded cheerful.
– Lee Seodan, are you leaving now? Have you arrived at the office?
“…Yes.”
– Do you want to meet in the parking lot, or should I come upstairs? Your bag is here. Shall I bring it for you?
“…Please. As long as my bag is there, that’s all I need.”
– Okay! See you in the parking lot lobby!
Even after putting down the phone, my heart was fluttering. We hadn’t broken up, nor had I heard any words suggesting a breakup. It was just a small mishap resulting from a misunderstanding, but I felt breathless and lost, as if standing at the edge of a cliff with nothing ahead.
***
Work at the client’s office, which usually dragged on with trivial matters, ended promptly at six o’clock today.
My supervisor, who had an appointment, dropped me off at a nearby subway station with an excited expression and left. People waiting for the subway, dressed brightly and lightly for summer, were happily listening to music or watching entertainment programs on their phones.
I felt like I was the only one engulfed in deep anxiety.
I let the arriving subway trains pass by without boarding. Swept away by the crowd getting on and off, I huddled against the advertising display board, crouching down.
My phone was silent. I couldn’t tell if I should go to his place or just go home. Depending on the decision I made, the direction I took would be different, so my foot hesitated to leave the open subway door.
Even couples who had frequent fights but remained steadfast in their relationship wouldn’t feel this anxious over a single argument.
I knew that, but I didn’t feel any better. I turned on the clean phone screen for no reason and traced my fingertip on the glass.
By now, is he heading to the entertainment venue with the executives after work? He always detested such gatherings. If I were waiting for him in his space when he returned home, weary and intoxicated from the late-night drinking, our minor discord might escalate into a storm.
Tonight, he wouldn’t be in a state of mind to listen to what I have to say. So, I would be pushed aside by his reaction, feeling even more distant than usual. We were already busy enough, so there was no need to force time out of our schedules to meet.
That’s not what I wanted.
The loud announcement signaling the subway’s arrival rang out. Faces of passengers reflected in the narrow windows of passing subway cars. As the screen doors opened, I surrendered myself to the wave of people entering.
When I arrived home, it was a little past seven o’clock. The walk from the subway station to the apartment building was still bright and suffocatingly humid. The tropical air, usually mild, felt heavy and oppressive today.
The narrow house was dark inside, unlike the brightness outside. I sat on the cushion in the living room after removing the slightly crumpled paper bag from my arm. It was a snack Kim Supervisor had given me. I took out the first scone from the bag, unwrapping the plastic that crackled. I broke off pieces of the dry bread and ate them.
Sitting in place, I finished eating one scone. The crumbs on my tongue tasted of cheese.
On days when I usually left work early, I would continue studying for consulting or watch movies I had marked on the streaming service for English study. But today, everything felt impossibly difficult and distant. I sat blankly in the dark living room for a while, then took my still quiet phone and went to the bathroom to wash up. After changing into a short-sleeved pajama, I crawled into bed.
As I closed my eyes, fragments of dreams drifted through my mind like debris in a current. Bizarre logic and irrational thoughts distorted the day’s conversations, amplifying his voice and expression. Each word and sentence was emphasized.
“Lee Seodan is gay, so he had no choice but to choose me…”
“If you have something to say, why don’t you just say it?”
“…”
I forced myself to sit up. I thought I had tossed and turned for a long time, but when I checked my phone, only thirty minutes had passed.
Blinking my stiff eyes, I slowly laid down on my side. A single beam of light seeped through the gap in the curtains that I hadn’t completely closed, touching my chest on the bent knees.
This time, neither asleep nor awake, I was familiar with such moments. After getting to know him, I became sluggish, but before that, I suffered from insomnia for ten years. I blinked my eyes accustomed to the darkness, tossed and turned, counted numbers. If the numbers and breathing didn’t match, my chest felt tight. But if I counted too quickly, I couldn’t sleep, and if I counted too slowly, my lungs struggled.
All the events of that day wandered through my mind, treading carefully. Landscapes glimpsed, words heard. My body was exhausted and hanging on, but my mind was compulsive and persistent in uncovering everything hidden in the gaps of the day.
I would stack and refine what I wanted to say to him, one sentence at a time, instead of completely giving up on sleep. Tomorrow, I would go to work, but I might not meet him separately. Lunchtime felt too short. After work, I would contact him in advance and ask for some time, then…
Thud.
At first, I thought it was a noise from upstairs or downstairs. I blinked and blinked, opening my eyes.
Thud.
It was the sound of knocking on the door. I sprang up, almost fainting from the sudden awakening. Without even thinking about turning on the light, I ran barefoot to the dark hallway.
I fumbled with the handle desperately, unlocking and opening the door. And as I had feared, he was standing behind the door.
The dim hallway light cast a backlight on him. Faintly, the smell of alcohol emanated from his agile body.
“Team Leader-.”
He grabbed my wrist and pushed me back. Holding onto my arm, he closed the door behind him with determination. Click. The door locked. Our bodies were close. In the darkness, he looked down at my frozen face.
“Were you sleeping?”
His voice was muffled.
My heart was racing too fast for me to speak, so I just shook my head. He exhaled slowly and asked again.
“You knew I was coming?”
🥹🥹🥹