It was a weekday morning, yet there were quite a few people waiting at the small local clinic. A casually dressed woman, holding a child who looked to be around two years old, was dozing off. As I opened the door, she startled and looked up. The thin male staff behind the counter didn’t bother to glance at me and simply said, “Please show your ID. You can wait for about five minutes. Enter when the previous patient comes out.”
“Yes.”
I found a seat away from the woman and child. The large wall clock facing me made a ticking sound, emphasizing the dryness in the waiting room. It was the time when the morning meeting at the office would have just begun.
The child whimpered. The young mother closed her eyes, raised her hand, and gently stroked and patted the child’s cheek. The waiting room, heated by the working heater, felt humid and warm. A faint, slightly pungent, and cool scent, reminiscent of disinfectant, lingered in the air.
I slowly removed my scarf. Clack, the sound of the door opening was heard, and a man came out from the door next to the counter. The woman waiting stood up abruptly. The child, who had just fallen asleep, burst into tears with an ear-piercing sound.
“Please wait a moment until the prescription is printed. There’s a pharmacy downstairs; just take it there. The consultation fee is… Oh, Lee Seodan, you can go into the examination room now.”
Three people gathered at the counter. As I observed the man, who seemed exhausted, trying to comfort the child, I knocked on the slightly ajar door and entered.
The wooden desk was already familiar after seeing it several times, but the female doctor in a white gown sitting behind the desk was someone I had never seen before. Unknowingly, I hesitated, and the doctor dryly said, as if it were a familiar response, “Dr. Kim Sanghoon is currently on leave, and I’m covering the consultation instead.”
“…Yes.”
“Please have a seat.”
I felt a vague sense of inconvenience. I slowly settled into the chair in front. While the doctor glanced over my medical records, I stared blankly with stiff eyes. The scent of disinfectant inside the room became even more intense.
“You’ve been prescribed sleeping pills several times for insomnia.”
“Yes.”
The woman, who had flipped through the records again, furrowed her brows as she brushed her hair behind her ear and looked at me.
“Dr. Kim wrote here ‘resistance caution,’ and just by looking at the amount of prescription you’ve been receiving, it seems like the resistance has been building up for a long time. Given the extent of your symptoms, it might be appropriate to see a neurologist or a psychiatrist. Has Dr. Kim mentioned anything like that before?”
“Yes, he did, but…”
Even if I blinked, my vision was blurry. The headache, absent for a few days, gnawed at my temples persistently, like teeth exposed by the scent of disinfectant. The doctor took off the pen cap, placed it on the back, and looked at me.
“Since when have you been experiencing these symptoms?”
“…I think it started on Friday night.”
“Today is Tuesday, so about four nights? Have you had any other issues during this time?”
“No, nothing specific. Headache, tinnitus… not unbearable, but I need to focus on work. Now, it’s challenging if I can’t sleep at night.”
In a blank space, the doctor scribbled something with messy handwriting. Thinking it was finally a prescription, I half rose from my seat, but it wasn’t. The doctor finished writing and lifted the pen to the space above.
“How long have you been using sleep aids or sleep inducers prescribed to you? Including visits to other hospitals, not just prescriptions from here.”
“Oh… since my university days.”
“Could you lift your shirt for a moment?”
I started to unbutton my shirt, but I only unfastened a couple of buttons. The doctor, with a stethoscope in her ears, pressed a cold, round end against the center of my chest. After a while, she removed the earpieces, her expression wrinkled.
“Your blood circulation is not good, and your heart rate is quite high. Insomnia at this level is serious. It seems like your body has become heavily reliant on sleep aids, so I recommend you to seek counseling as soon as possible. Sleep-related disorders are particularly sensitive to emotional states, and effective stress management is crucial.”
“Yes, I understand.”
The response seemed suspicious, and the woman squinted her eyes. She lifted the pen and swiftly scribbled something on the paper on the clipboard. Hoping it was a prescription, I closed my eyes and opened them.
After finishing writing, the woman put down the pen. She folded the paper in half and pushed it toward me, saying, “For now, I will prescribe the usual based on your regular prescription record. I’ve also written down the location and number of the nearby university hospital’s neurology and psychiatry departments. Please visit whenever you have time.”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Also, it’s essential to create a proper time and environment for falling asleep. Since you mentioned that your symptoms are inconsistent, try to recall the most recent time you slept deeply. You may attempt to recreate the environment or your physical state from that time.”
“Ah…”
I suddenly remembered. A bedroom on the stairs with just one bed, or a hotel room on the 16th floor with a spacious bed. The hand placed on my knee clenched tightly.
“You can take this prescription to the counter over there.”
“Thank you.”
I nodded, gave another bow, and picked up the thin sheet of paper. As I opened the door and left, there were a few more people sitting in the waiting room than earlier.
After paying at the counter, I went downstairs to the pharmacy and received a familiar medicine bag. I carelessly stuffed the hefty paper bag into my backpack. As I opened the glass door and stepped out, a sharp cold wind rushed through the open collar of my coat. It was the tail end of the freezing cold.
***
“Ah, Lee Seodan.”
I was about to grab the meeting room doorknob when someone called me from behind. Turning around, it was Deputy Park. He had walked briskly down the hallway and, instead of me, he presented his employee card to unlock the meeting room.
“I heard you took half a day off. Did you just arrive?”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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“…My condition wasn’t great, so I got some medicine. I rested a bit in the morning, so I think I’m okay now.”
“Did you have lunch before coming in?”
I opened my mouth, but the expression on my face alone seemed to be enough for an answer. Deputy Park blatantly clicked his tongue.
“You decided to work without eating? No wonder you’re feeling unwell.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“Lee Seodan, you can’t go on like this. Go, have lunch, and come back.”
“But, sir…”
“I was just going over some documents and decided to go out to eat with the department folks. Oh, I think Supervisor Kim is also there with a few team members in the cafeteria downstairs. Since you’ve just arrived, go down and join them, Lee Seodan.”
Deputy Park grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. He aimed towards the empty hallway during lunchtime and pushed me forward. I was too tired to resist. Without uttering a word about having no appetite or feeling unwell, I was gently pushed along. Deputy Park escorted me to the elevator and even pressed the button. I nodded my head in thanks as he waved his hand dismissively.
The inside of the elevator was cool and quiet. The light from the floor indicator blurred behind my eyelids. When the door opened on the first basement level, people who seemed to have just finished their meal poured into the elevator. There were no familiar faces among them.
I scanned my employee card and received a tray. Without much consideration, I stood in the shortest line and mechanically received side dishes and rice. It was still early in lunchtime, but the spacious cafeteria was bustling. Every table was filled with people. How would I find Supervisor Kim amidst this chaos? My phone was in my pocket, and it contained the numbers of Supervisor Kim and all my team members, but I didn’t feel like taking it out. If Deputy Park hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t even have thought of looking for her.
I passed by the tables with my tray in hand, lost in thought. As I walked, I glanced at unfamiliar faces. A pair of chopsticks someone dropped hit my toe.
That’s when it happened. Someone grabbed my arm. The grip was so strong that my tray shook.
“Who’s this? Long time no see.”
When I turned my head, there was a familiar face. It was my former supervisor from the previous team, smiling and pulling the corners of his mouth.
Next to my supervisor and across from him were all the members of my former team, except for the manager. Deputy Kang, who was across the partition, and Assistant Manager Lee sat beside him. Farthest from where I stood was Deputy Song. Perhaps my supervisor’s voice was unusually loud, as all eyes were suddenly on me.
My supervisor tapped my arm and gently guided me to the table. Still smiling, he said persuasively, “If you’re thinking of eating alone, sit down and eat with us. We haven’t seen each other for a while, let’s catch up.”
The seat next to Assistant Manager Lee was also vacant. Deputy Song silently picked up the scarf she had placed on the chair and hung it on the backrest. Her expressionless face stared at the plate without looking at me.
“Since Lee Seodan and Deputy Song were close, it’s nice for you to occasionally join us for a meal, even if you’re busy. Sit down; we’ve just started eating.”
“That’s right, have a seat.”
Deputy Kang interjected with an animated expression.
“Even the Manager isn’t here. I was curious because there’s no one around who has actually worked on the project, as remarkable as the rumors say.”
“…Alright, I’ll sit for a moment and then leave.”
There was no way to escape. I slid the chair a bit, inconspicuously placing the tray as I sat down. White hands with manicured nails disappeared below the knee, avoiding eye contact. My supervisor, who had been watching me all along, asked a question before I even settled into the chair.
“So, what was Lee Seodan’s role in that project team? You’ve been doing QA, and I assume there’s hardly any overlap in the fields.”
“That’s right, I heard it was quite interesting when Lee Seodan was chosen.”
“Wherever you go, the youngest does similar tasks. You’ll be copying and brewing coffee diligently, what else could you be asked of?”
“Oh, is that so?”
Deputy Kang laughed upon hearing Assistant Manager Lee’s nonchalant response. He speared a salad-like item with his fork and pointed it at me as if it were a finger.
“By the way, after Lee Seodan left, Deputy Song became our team’s youngest again. It must be tough to start again after not doing it for a while, right?”
“It’s part of the process; what’s difficult about it? Everyone goes through it. If you don’t do it for a while and then start again, it might hurt your pride a bit, don’t you think? Honestly, we feel a bit sorry for asking too. It would be nice to have an intern or something.”
“Why isn’t Lee Seodan eating?”
As I belatedly picked up the chopsticks, my supervisor asked. Cold macaroni-like food was tucked away in a corner of the tray. The thought of putting anything in my mouth made me feel nauseous, as if my head would ache immediately.
Whether my throat was dry or not, I held up the cup and drank until it was empty. My supervisor put the cup down with a thud, leaned against the backrest, and looked at me with a slightly puzzled gaze. Deputy Kang, who had eaten something and was in the middle of chewing, slowly opened his mouth.
“But after Lee Seodan was chosen, I heard something later on. Apparently, Han Team Leader there had a preference for a certain type of person.”
“Han Team Leader?”
“Yeah, that guy apparently liked troublemakers. You know, the kind who are really creative, rebellious against the system, that sort of thing. He himself has caused quite a few incidents, I heard. Later, when I heard about it, I thought, ‘Ah, that makes sense.’ So, in a way, Lee Seodan being chosen was a stroke of luck.”
There was a sharp clatter from beside me. Deputy Song, who was putting down her chopsticks, seemed to have dropped something. Deputy Kang reached out to stop her as she bent down to pick it up.
“Leave it; I’ll get a new one.”
“If you’re getting up, bring some water too. Oh, Lee Seodan doesn’t have any water, so it would be nice if you brought some while you’re at it.”
My supervisor said, pushing the empty cup to the side. Assistant Manager Lee, nodding, finished the remaining water, then nudged the cup over to Deputy Song. How had I spent a month and a half working with these seemingly reasonable people? I felt trapped in an intense fatigue that made me fear I might overturn the tray or simply get up and walk out.
Deputy Song groped for the table to support herself as she stood up. Without looking at me until the end, she twisted her body. My supervisor, holding the cup up as if to hurry someone to take it, spoke slowly.
“Come to think of it, couldn’t Lee Seodan join us? He’s not the youngest in our team anymore, but since he’s here after a long time, let’s consider it a service and have him go instead of Deputy Song.”
“Lee Seodan has always been helpful and considerate. Doesn’t he like helping out women?”
It was Deputy Kang. The gleam in his eyes as he looked at me was as dark as residue, dripping with malice.
A taste of blood filled my mouth. Without making eye contact with anyone, I stood up and grabbed the water cups of my supervisor and Assistant Manager Lee. Deputy Song was still standing. Deputy Kang grabbed her arm to pull her down. I pushed the chair back and hurried past Deputy Song’s seat. I slipped through the gap between the tables and escaped. My supervisor encouraged me by tapping my waist several times as I passed by.
That’s when my wrist, holding the cup, was grabbed by someone.
“What are you doing?”
I looked up and saw Han Team Leader. All the thoughts swirling in my head boiled away in an instant as I gazed at his chillingly stiff face.
“Why are you sitting here?”
“Ah, Han Team Leader.”
My supervisor quickly stood up and nodded respectfully. The sluggishness from earlier was nowhere to be seen, and the greeting was crisp.
“I saw Lee Seodan passing by, so I suggested we have lunch together. It’s been a long time.”
“Lee Seodan is no longer part of the QA team.”
Han Team Leader cut him off. With precise fingers, he took the water cup held in my hands and placed it in front of my supervisor.
“Please don’t give my team members any errands.”
“… I’m sorry. It was just a joke—”
“And don’t unnecessarily detain Lee Seodan, wasting his time. There are TF team members on the other side with empty seats. The company isn’t a family, and what relevance does being on the same team in the past have?”
“Yes… I apologize.”
“Lee Seodan.”
“Yes.”
I responded reflexively. Han Team Leader still cast a cold glance at the team members as he released my arm. My forearm tensed as if blood were rushing to it.
“Hold your tray and follow me. Grab your bag.”
With lowered eyes, I returned to my seat, picked up the tray, and grabbed my bag. Deputy Song was looking down at her tray as if her gaze were fixed. I passed by my supervisor, who was still slightly bowing. As I left the table, Han Team Leader turned first. Greetings from the waiting team members flowed softly as he passed. Han Team Leader didn’t look back. I quickly offered a small greeting.
“Thank you for your hard work.”
As soon as the greeting ended, I hurriedly followed Han Team Leader. His pace was so fast that I couldn’t keep up. Avoiding the crowd moving with empty trays, I barely caught up with him. By the time I did, he was already standing in front of the sanitizer with a cup in hand, waiting for me.
“Oh, if you’re going to drink water, I can—”
“You might spill it if you carry the tray like that.”
His tone was icy. He took out a cup and mixed cold and hot water from the dispenser. After shaking it lightly a few times, he extended the cup towards me.
“Hand me the tray and have some water first. Don’t wander around with chapped lips.”
“…Thank you.”
Although I wasn’t particularly thirsty, the cup was already in my hand. I took a sip reluctantly, feeling the lukewarm water trickle down my throat.
Han Team Leader, who had been watching me finish the cup, muttered softly,
“Why are you sitting there like you’re the boss of that team?”
“…I’m sorry.”
“Has this happened before? Since the start of the project?”
“No, this is the first time.”
“Next time, decline it using my name. Whether you say that I called you or say you’re busy. Focus on the project; there’s no need to go elsewhere and come back stressed out. Don’t be stupidly attached there… Find someone to accommodate, it’s not like you’re a child.”
Each sentence ended with a bite. Compared to the usual cafeteria talk, his tone and demeanor were intense. I closed my mouth without a word. There wouldn’t have been any advice from a superior worth mentioning. He seemed to know that too as he let out a short breath and turned his head for a moment.
“Where is Supervisor Kim?”
“Why are you looking for Supervisor Kim?”
His discomforting response came back immediately. I reached out to take the tray from his hand, but he didn’t let go.
“You need to eat… Are you planning to make everyone wait for Lee Seodan by eating now?”
“…Then I’ll eat alone and come back soon.”
“Forget about the food…”
He interrupted me abruptly, staring closely at my face. It was unexpected. After checking his wristwatch, he closed his eyes briefly before opening them again. He put his hand in his pants pocket and then dropped something into my shirt pocket. A small, round ring made of metal caught my eye at the edge of my vision.
“Sit down, eat slowly, then go to my car and take a nap. Make the most of your half day off.”
“…It’s okay. It’s not like that…”
“If I had even a bit less work right now, I would have told you to take the whole day off and go home to rest. Since you know your own workload better, I won’t say anything. We’re not going to be calling an ambulance, so go and get some rest. Don’t make people uncomfortable.”
In front of his clearly irritated voice, I bit my inner lip in silence. If the problem could be solved by having time and a place, it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. Moreover, even the duty room had a bed. As I looked down at my now heavier pocket, Han Team Leader took the cup from my hand and filled it with water again. Placing the tray and cup on a nearby table, he gestured for me to sit.
“Don’t force yourself to eat; if you’re going to leave it, then leave it.”
“…Team leader, please go up first. I’ll go soon too.”
It was a remark prompted by him sitting on the opposite chair. Han Team Leader, absorbed in his phone, seemed oblivious to my words. Since he seemed like he might sit there until I finished eating, I reluctantly picked up the utensils. I put a grain of rice in my mouth and chewed. I swallowed it, finely crushed, with lukewarm water. I grabbed a handful of what seemed like greens and ate them. There was no taste at all.
“Take your time eating.”
Han Team Leader, still not looking up from his phone, said.
“I’ll be overseeing work, so don’t worry about me.”
“…Yes.”
“Lee Seodan seems to have a lot on his plate.”
It wasn’t a particularly angry voice. With a blank expression, I stopped chewing. It felt like something was caught in my throat.
“I apologize.”
I said softly. The ringing in my ears gradually subsided. Han Team Leader, still fixated on the screen, remained silent.
***
When I left the company that night, Han Team Leader’s car, which I thought had already left for the day, was parked right outside the building stairs. Although I had rested in the duty room and returned the key to Han Team Leader later, I couldn’t help but feel familiar with the silver Audi, perhaps because the car had come up during lunchtime discussions. Regardless, I passed by without remembering the license plate, but the headlights flashed brightly.
Shielding my eyes with one hand due to the glare, I stepped aside. The window on the passenger side began to roll down. Turning my body to look, Han Team Leader, who was peering out the window, spoke.
“Get in.”
“…”
I opened the car door first. My mind, which had been hazy all along, suddenly woke up as if cold water had been splashed on my face. As soon as I sat down, Han Team Leader, who had been holding the gear lever, immediately started the car.
“Team leader, where are we going?”
“Seatbelt.”
Even though he didn’t say it, the dashboard was showing a red signal for the seatbelt, accompanied by a gentle beep. I closed my mouth and pulled the seatbelt across, clicking it into place. The car, which had stopped to receive the signal, smoothly accelerated as he pressed the accelerator.
As we entered the highway, the destination became obvious. Holding the handle of the bag on my lap and fidgeting with it aimlessly, I glanced sideways several times, hiding the words I wanted to say beneath my tongue. Han Team Leader’s profile, looking out through the windshield, was chilling.
Leaning my cheek against the rough surface of the seatbelt, I closed my eyes. The orange light from passing street lamps flickered sequentially beyond my eyelids. My body subtly shifted and shook with the car’s movement.
He parked the car in an alley outside an old office building. It was the same place he had dropped me off on a late night that had already turned into dawn.
I placed my hand on the buckle of the seatbelt. The car door lock was engaged. After glancing out the window once, I lowered my gaze onto my bag. The yellowish streetlight stained the back of my hand gripping the bag strap.
It was quite a while later when Han Team Leader spoke in a business-like tone.
“I’m not sure why you’ve been absent-minded since last week, but this time it doesn’t seem to be because of me.”
“…”
“Whatever your concerns are, make sure they don’t affect your work. Now, neither I nor Deputy Park have the time to personally check on your tasks. Go inside, rest properly, and come to work tomorrow after recovering.”
“…Yes. I’m sorry.”
“And…”
As if the conversation had ended, I undid the seatbelt, but he spoke again. He left the tail of his words hanging in the air for a long time. I waited with my gaze on my knees. Because I hadn’t thought of taking off my scarf or coat, the heated car felt stuffy and suffocating.
Lee Seodan is so tragic and pitiful. I hope he finds happiness one day, I feel bad for him.
Thank you for the chapter!