“…Well.”
Han Team Leader chuckled. His face, caught in sight, subtly changed as if embarrassed.
“Does it bother you if that’s the case?”
“….”
Instead of answering, I closed my eyes. Rustling sounds were heard. The room darkened. He removed the sheets, carefully covering me with a blanket.
The breathing sound from the side gradually slowed and settled into a slow, rhythmic pattern. I opened my eyes and looked up at the tangled shadows on the ceiling. Exhausted, unable to move even a finger, my head felt dizzy, and sleep eluded me. Thoughts that had wandered like a flock of birds through the air now settled neatly, one by one, on the ground. In the silence with only the sound of breathing, I felt like I knew something.
I was exhausted from always having to carry my own weight. I couldn’t let go of anything. But when I was with Han Team Leader, he securely tied me with an invisible rope. It was just a matter of doing what he said and enduring what he told me to endure. Here, nothing was my fault, and nothing was my responsibility.
When all the pain was over, if I endured well, he would gently comfort me. He would hug me with tender eyes and praise me for enduring well.
That moment was good. The comfort that came after enduring the given pain was more soothing than anything I had known in my life.
***
A call came from an unknown number. After the morning meeting, I checked my phone and saw a missed call record. Thinking it might be a spam call, I left it alone, but in the afternoon, another call came. It was the same number. Sitting across from Deputy Park in the document room, I covered my blinking phone with a folder.
In the hallway leading to the restroom, I pulled up the call log. Once in the morning, and now twice. Three calls from the same number. Since my younger sister was abroad, there should be no reason for a domestic call. Besides, what could be the reason for someone to contact me? I put my phone back in my pocket, but a sudden thought crossed my mind. There was someone in the restroom. I quickly turned around and found the door to the stairs. In the stairwell leading to the third floor, I dialed the unfamiliar number.
– ….
After five beeps, someone answered the call. I heard a crackling sound. Since no one was speaking, I took the initiative.
“Hello?”
– ….
Thud. The call was disconnected. I stared silently at the phone with my mouth shut. The stairs without a heater were cold. I sent a text saying, ‘This is Lee Seodan. I called because there was a missed call record,’ and opened the door to the warm corridor.
Returning to my seat and trying to start work, one thought occurred to me. Lately, my younger sister had been quite active on the internet, typical of a college student. After vaguely recalling the sites she had joined before, I went through the process of confirming both the ID and password before finally being able to log in. On the page I entered by searching for my sister’s name, there were photos taken today with friends. Behind three people forming a V sign with their fingers, there was a blue river, and exotic and quaint houses lined up side by side. Nothing seems wrong. The tension in my body was relieved.
Scrolling down, there were more travel photos. There were also food photos with captions like ‘It’s amazing!! How should I eat Korean pasta in the future…’ and optical illusion photos where it looked like the Eiffel Tower was being crushed between fingers. There were also many photos that seemed to be from art museums. Now that I think about it, my sister mentioned when she entered the art college that she really wanted to visit galleries in Europe. It was a few years ago.
After the travel photos taken at the airport when she left, there were no more travel photos. The next ones were graduation photos. I was about to close the window but paused, bringing my face close to the screen.
It wasn’t a photo casually taken alone with a cellphone. With a sharp image that felt the touch of a photographer, several people were captured under the trees on the university campus. In the center was my sister, holding a bouquet of flowers, surrounded by friends on both sides. When I swiped, there were consecutive photos taken with friends who went on the trip together. Seeing photos taken one after another with a guy wearing the same outfit and posing as if they were shoulder buddies, it seemed like he was her boyfriend.
When I swiped again, photos with our parents came up. I unknowingly turned off the screen.
I looked down at my knees and blinked. My heart was beating rapidly. It had been a few years since I last saw their photo.
I turned the screen back on and examined it carefully. Standing on either side of my sister, who was wearing a graduation cap, were my shorter parents. On the left was my mother, and on the right was my father. Their faces were not so old as to be unrecognizable. Above my mother, who pulled the corners of her mouth to smile, I gently placed my fingertip.
“What are you doing?”
A hand reached up over my shoulder. I jumped up, unknowingly covering the screen with both hands. Han Team Leader, holding a stack of documents, was looking down at me.
“With so much work piled up, are you idly sitting around? Are you in your right mind?”
“… I’m sorry.”
“Prepare for a scolding.”
It was as if antennas were attached to my head, and now I was adept at sensing the mood of Han Team Leader. Currently, he was definitely in a gloomy state. While I grabbed the mouse to close the window with another apology, he covered my hand with his, and his touch was warm.
“Who is this?”
He asked while looking at the screen. I remained silent.
“Come to think of it, Deputy Park told me about it. Is this Lee Seodan’s sister?”
“Uh… yes.”
“Are the people next to her your parents?”
“… Yes.”
If he were to ask why I didn’t attend my sister’s graduation ceremony due to a presentation, my head would ache. I lowered my gaze and waited. Without any particular reaction, Han Team Leader looked at the photos and suddenly spoke.
“Your sister doesn’t really resemble you.”
“…Is that so? Many people used to say we looked alike when we were young…”
“Lee Seodan is much more beautiful.”
I didn’t know how to react. In a moment of confusion, I responded with a hesitant “Thank you,” and he looked at me with a frozen expression.
“Now, stop fooling around and get back to work.”
“Yes.”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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***
The phone call came at night, right after I returned home. I answered the call at the entrance just after getting home. Saying, ‘Hello,’ I began to take off my shoes with one foot.
– ….
On the other end of the receiver, there was a black, gaping silence. Faint and unstable breathing of someone could be heard.
I didn’t turn on the lights. I didn’t hang up the phone or ask further questions. I just stood in the darkened hallway, one foot out of my shoe, and leaned my bottom against the door, raising my knees to rest my chin. I glanced through the small decorations placed under the bookshelf.
The pebbles, leaves, and seashells brought back from the short trip I took alone instead of attending the college graduation ceremony, the paper tags from clothes my sister gave me as a birthday present, miscellaneous items like the wooden plaque I received at the temple without knowing its significance, all lay scattered with accumulated dust. Even when I moved, spread them out during the move, and stared at them for a while, I still couldn’t decide what to keep and what to discard.
I always wanted to be someone who could confidently and decisively discard things without hesitation. Perhaps Han Team Leader was such a person. Someone without regrets, without clutter in words or actions. Once something was discarded, they never looked back.
I reached out and picked up a white, shell-like seashell, feeling the accumulated dust on my fingertips. It was then, at that moment, that a familiar voice came through the receiver.
– You didn’t come to the graduation ceremony.
The voice was always youthful compared to the age. It had been ten years, but it hadn’t changed much. Leaning against the bookshelf, I raised my gaze. There were no clouds in the sky outside the window.
– Seoyoung was quite disappointed.
“What’s the reason for your call?”
I asked dryly with tired eyes. Mother’s voice lingered long in the air. The face, which wouldn’t have come to mind if it hadn’t been for the photo I saw during the day, aged subtly inside my eyelids.
– Seoyoung didn’t go on a trip?
“No.”
– She made plans with her friends for a long time. She said since she was going anyway, she might as well travel around several countries. She said there are many good art galleries, and since she was already going, she didn’t want to waste the plane fare… She even bought guidebooks beforehand to study and worked hard before going.
As my mother’s words grew longer, I became increasingly tired. The heavy fatigue I felt while dozing off on the subway handrail on my way home pressed down on my eyelids.
When I didn’t respond, my mother coughed. Cough, cough. The sound of boiling phlegm came from her throat.
– She said she passed a good company exam and is working hard.
“Yes.”
– Alright, that’s good to hear. I heard from Seoyoung… She was good at studying since she was young. It’s good.
“What’s the reason for your call?”
I asked again. Then, I softly added to the silence that followed.
“I just finished work and… I’m a bit tired now.”
– …You’re almost thirty, but your personality is still the same.
A slightly raised voice. I chuckled. I leaned my chin between my knees. The house, where the heater was not turned on, was cool and quiet.
– Last week too, why is it so difficult for you to come when your sister is graduating? It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event for Seoyoung. As her older brother… Seoyoung might not know until the afternoon, so even she said you might come, so let’s take the group photo a bit later.
“Is that what you wanted to talk about?”
Late at night, calling, and calling when I’m clearly working. Whose disappointment and sorrow were you trying to express? Mother coughed into my ear for a long time, and then, with a higher voice, she spoke faster and faster.
– This time, while Seoyoung is traveling, she suggested stopping by French universities. …It seems difficult to establish a position without further study in fine arts, and she says she wants to pursue pure art… You’ve seen the graduation exhibition, so you know, the professors say she’s the best in the department, talented… So, after discussing with your father, even though she said she’d try to support herself for now, it’s hard to believe she’ll make enough in a day or two. Friends who are not less talented than Seoyoung are already making a living while working part-time. But it’s a waste to spend a year working part-time. On the other hand, it’s difficult to go abroad and study while working…
Stupidly, it was only then that I realized. There was probably only one reason for her to call me after ten years. As soon as I realized it, laughter burst out. Mother stopped talking abruptly.
“So, are you asking me to pay for Seoyoung’s education abroad?”
– It’s not like that. If you can contribute even a little extra money, it would be good for you to have an artist sister.
“Why would it be good for me to have an artist sister?”
– Still, Seoyoung has been in touch with you all this time, taking care of you. Knowing that, isn’t it okay to help her a bit, as a caring older brother? You’re working at a good company. At least do that much for her.
I lifted the phone away from my ear. The voice pierced my eardrums like a sharp needle. I thought she spoke too loudly and too slowly.
“If you have nothing else to say, I’ll hang up.”
– Aren’t you even sorry to Seoyoung?
“…What about me?”
– Because you haven’t really fulfilled your role as an older brother properly while going out.
I brought the phone back to my ear, which I was about to hang up. Lowering my raised knees and sitting up straight, I lifted my gaze.
– And… if you have any conscience as an older brother, you should repay Seoyoung for the distress she went through because of you when the opportunity arises.
“What distress are you talking about?”
– Seoyoung went to her graduation ceremony, and other people’s older brothers and sisters came, took pictures, and gave gifts. Since Seoyoung has only one older brother who couldn’t come to such a place, she… for ten years, every time someone asked, she’s been careful, and because her brother lives away.
“Do you think I didn’t attend the graduation ceremony because I’m ashamed?”
My voice also became faster. It wasn’t a big deal, but heat rose in my throat.
“What, do you think of me as a criminal… as someone who can’t show their face in front of others? Seoyoung is embarrassed because of having a brother like me? If that’s the case, just say that there is no brother, that there never was.”
– Why do you always speak in that way?
My mother suddenly shouted as if possessed by evil. She drowned out my voice and enveloped me in a dark silence.
– Fine, speak your mind! Since you won’t need any marriage funds, a person like you.
“…….”
– You’ll continue to accumulate savings as you work anyway. What are you going to use that money for? You won’t even have a child to raise, and how much will be left over? Is it so wrong to invest some of that in your sister’s education? Is that such a strange thing? There are even brothers who fully support their siblings, sending them to college. Do you know how much money your dad and I spent raising you? If that money was left intact…
“If you’re going to talk about debts, why don’t you get a promissory note or something? Why are you bringing this up now? When did I ask for money to raise me?”
– You, even if you say that, we’re your parents!
“Even if I die, I can’t pay that money. Tell her to figure out studying abroad on her own.”
Until the moment the call was cut off, my mother continued to speak harshly. Your job at a good company, inheriting your father’s position, ….
I threw the phone on the floor. Leaning against the bookshelf, I closed my eyes. I gradually subdued my roughened breathing.
It wasn’t anything significant. It would have been better if I hadn’t answered the call in the first place. Even if I hadn’t seen the photo earlier. Or even if that wasn’t the case. It was something that would happen eventually. It was a conversation that had to be faced, no matter what the circumstances.
And because I had no expectations, there was no reason to be disappointed. I hadn’t hoped for the sudden appearance of parents who had been absent for ten years. Would they understand now, or sympathize even once? Despite going through it repeatedly, I wasn’t tired.
“…But it’s not like people can just go abroad freely….”
I had never been on a plane before. No matter how much I thought about it, it was absurd.
My sprawled body fell to the floor. The ceiling I looked up at spun once. A loud bell was ringing. I picked up the phone, detached the back battery, and threw it again. The phone, rolling to the opposite side of the room, collided with the sliding door leading to the bedroom. I didn’t even care about the seemingly shattered screen.
I lay still and stared at the ceiling. My breathing gradually subsided.
If I had received this call just a few months ago, I might have felt really unjust. It would have been absurd to be criticized as a gay man who hasn’t had sex in ten years. The insides of my eyelids were red. I gritted my teeth and let out a breath through the gap. When my breathing kept trembling and coming out, I covered my mouth with my hand, and my hand trembled less.
I moved my body like someone possessed. Crawling to the other side of the living room, I picked up the phone with trembling hands. The screen was intact. I picked up the battery and turned it on. I gathered my two knees, sat down, and waited for the screen to appear. I ignored the remaining missed call from my mother. I also ignored the vibrating incoming text messages.
Instead, I opened the contact list. Without hesitation, I pressed the call button.
– …This is Han Juwon.
The signal went three times, and he picked up. It was a dry and clear voice.
“Why did you call? …Is something wrong?”
“…Team leader.”
I murmured like exhaling all at once. Leaning against the door, I spoke again.
“Team leader, I…”
My dry eye sockets felt as if they were burning. I tried wiping them with my fingertips, but no moisture emerged.
– What?. Speak.
“…I have a request.”
– What request?
“…Could we meet today instead of Saturday?”
My heart raced up to my throat. Even I was amazed at my voice that didn’t tremble. He remained silent for a moment. A faint indication of the door closing was heard through the handset.
– Why?
The surroundings became quiet. He asked concisely with a lowered voice. I struggled to answer with stuttering lips.
“I have some work over the weekend.”
– What work?
“…I have to attend a memorial service.”
– So, you want to do it today instead?
It was a sharp tone, as if interrogating, knowing all about the lie. I stumbled over my words a few times as if tripping over a rock.
– You do know you have to come to work tomorrow?
“…Yes.”
– And that it’s already past 10?
“…….”
My eye sockets were too hot. Even if I blinked, the intense thirst did not subside, like the midday sun in a desert. I silently murmured, ‘I want to cry.’
A cruel and savage desire filled me tightly. I wanted to be beaten until my skin burst and blood flowed. I wanted to be violated until everything inside of me tore apart. I wanted to be abused until I was too exhausted to move a fingertip. And then, crying, I wanted to complain about how much it hurt and how agonizing it was, and I wanted to lean on the arms that held me tight…
My breathing trembled. I covered my mouth in case he could hear. I held my breath, closed my eyes, and waited. After a long silence, he spoke with a subdued voice.
– I understand.
“…Thank you.”
– Where are you right now?
“I just arrived home…”
– …Come back to the office now.
Although he was at the office when I left, he was still…
But I didn’t have time to ask. He cut my words off coldly.
– Bring clothes for work tomorrow.
“…Yes.”
Click. The call ended. I looked at my phone. I pressed to delete the missed call record on the call log. I turned off the phone. Something hot surged inside my chest, overflowing.
He had an unpleasant tone. I knew it was impolite to inform like this regardless of the position. Still, without canceling the coercion I imposed, I stood up. My body trembled with a vehement desire to shake my heart. The red hue of fever was already staining my eyelids.
***
I took the subway. I passed the stations that I had passed on my way home in reverse order. Standing next to the empty subway door during off-hours, I gazed into the pitch-black tunnel. Occasionally, streaks of yellow and red light passed by in a continuous flow. And then, it was silent again.
I thought of meaningless things like old movies and music I had heard before, trampling on the morning commute in the middle of the night. Every time the door opened, the gap between the subway and the platform opened wide. People passing by easily crossed that gap.
I swiped my access card at the company lobby and took the elevator upstairs. Light flashed into the dark corridor on the fourth floor. Wondering if the heating was still on because the air was stuffy, I entered the meeting room and loosened my scarf. The face of Han Team Leader sitting behind the partition came into view.
Stopping a few steps away, he was staring at the screen and said without turning around.
“Wait. I will be done soon.”
“Yes.”
I loosened the scarf on my chair, laid it down, and placed the bag with my clothes on the floor.
“Team leader.”
“What?”
This time, his gaze turned to me. His face showed signs of fatigue.
“If it takes too long, I thought I might as well work.”
“That won’t be necessary.”
He replied coldly and turned his chair again. I closed my mouth and sat down. I read and organized the post-it notes attached to the screen, stealing glances towards his desk in between. The fact that I returned to the company after leaving work, sitting here alone with him in the deserted department – it all felt surreal. It was a peculiar situation that wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for an irrational impulse.
Under the bright fluorescent lights of the company, I belatedly thought, “What am I doing?” Forcing things like this was not typical of me. I wondered what audacity or desperation led me to command him, of all people, to come and go based on my circumstances.
“Get up. Let’s go.”
Suddenly, he was standing with a coat and a thick stack of documents. Seeing his computer screen turned off, it seemed like he had finished his work.
I stood up sleepily and pushed the chair in. However, even after leaving the meeting room, I forgot my scarf once and my bag with clothes, so I had to go back twice.
While riding the elevator down to the parking lot, he didn’t say a word. His face, seen through the glass wall, was expressionless, and I was too tired to pay attention to his mood. I swallowed the apology that echoed in my mind and quietly got into the car next to him.
His adherence to traffic rules was still as sharp as a knife. I admired the lit buildings passing by outside the window. My hands, clasped on my knees, were flickering yellow under the lamppost light.
Then I realized. This wasn’t a route I knew.
“…Team leader, this place…”
It wasn’t the usual way to the hotel. It wasn’t the way to my home either. Staring blankly at the unfamiliar intersection, he briefly spoke when the car stopped at a yellow traffic light.
“I didn’t have time to make a reservation. There’s nothing I can do.”
“…I’m sorry.”
What an awful mother that is. Hasn’t cared for her son for years and has the audacity to ask for money and guilt trip him into giving it. I hope he never gives her a penny.
Can’t even be happy over the fact that Junwon is Seodan’s comfort person because that phone call with the mom pissed me off.
I was like 😨😨😨 with the mom. Girly didn’t even attend her son’s graduation, didn’t pay for tuition, his necessities, wasn’t there for him when he needed the most, they disown him and had the nerve to demand for money??? 🥹
I bet the sister didn’t ask for his brother’s help either, maybe also she didn’t know that there mother called his brother for money 😔 I think she only wanted a complete family but their parents is the problem