Memories of the PalaceCh33 - I Am Not Letting You Go

It wasn’t that Jin Xiyan did not like his Grandmother – it was quite the opposite. The scant memories he still had of her were full of love and admiration, and a need to please her. She was often in charge of his education, and he could recall all the times she lectured him on his penmanship and calligraphy.

She was neither overly cruel or abusive towards him, just distant. Her presence commanded attention and obedience, earning her respect and power in many circles even outside of the Inner Court. She was all around a model of what an Empress was like and she enforced maturity and discipline in him at a young age. He just wasn’t close to her, and it felt like she kept him at an arm’s length. Ax59ps

Which is why, right now, Jin Xiyan felt so out of place as his Royal Grandmother sat close by and tended to his plate. Eldest Brother Zhao Lanhu sat across from them, sipping his tea. He too had greeted Royal Grandmother for morning greetings, and she convinced them both to stay for a proper meal.

“A-Chang, you look like you have lost so much weight. Are you not eating enough?”

Chrysanthemum Garden.

“Ah…” Jin Xiyan hesitated when yet another piece of meat was piled into his bowl. He learned recently that it was not the royal kitchen that provided food for the Phoenix Palace, but the Li’s themselves. When he saw that the moldiest and smallest portions were given to Li Changyu’s palace, Jin Xiyan was reluctant to admit that it was likely his own Mother that planned this. He controlled the Inner Court and managed everything from the expenses, the grounds, and staff.

It made him feel ashamed that Li Changyu had been on a shoestring budget since the incident where he injured the guards and damaged the gate. Because of this, his meals were mostly porridge and cheap meats. Shen Pei insisted that this was significantly better than the military rations they were accustomed to, but it still didn’t make it right. 4M I8z

Should I be honest..? In this way, maybe Jin Xiyan can ease things for Li Changyu once they switch back. It would be sneaky and backhanded towards his Mother, but there was no way to confront him about this wrongdoing in Li Changyu’s body. Jin Xiyan lowered his head and sighed.

“Food has been short as of late. Erchen would ask Royal Grandmother to inquire about the Royal Kitchen’s budget and explain the lack of portions delivered.”

“Hmph!” Grandmother’s violet eyes flashed and she beckoned for a servant that stood off to the side. “Investigate this.” She turned back to Jin Xiyan and the lines of her face wrinkled from her frown. “You are much too prideful, but thank you for letting this Grandmother help.”

Jin Xiyan dipped his head in thanks, “You honor Erchen.”

“Please, we are family, there is no need to be so formal.” Royal Grandmother smiled softly and patted his arm. “Tell me, is your confinement over?”

How do I explain this? “Not exactly. I asked His Hi–Majesty if I could see you. He granted it, but it is advised that I do not leave the Phoenix Palace for the time being.”

“Your name is cleared. I do not see a reason for you to be shuttered away like a prisoner in your own home,” she sneered, her nose turned up primly.

It was Zhao Lanhu who turned the conversation into a different direction. He looked up from his tea and said, “I heard that you are suffering from memory loss. I must admit, this has me more concerned than your confinement.” MRUerk

“What?” Royal Grandmother’s thin brows flew up in alarm and she captured Jin Xiyan’s face in between her hands. His cheeks were smothered between them as she examined his face. “Have you seen your Mother, or a Royal Physician? How long has this been going on?”

Her concern was, well, sweet, but there was a tinge of bitterness that stained his heart. Jin Xiyan was happy that she cared for Li Changyu, because Heavens knew he needed as many people on his side as possible, but it was an affection he’d never received. He vividly remembered that as a child, perhaps no older than five or six, he ran up to her but fell down. The marble path was hard, and when his small knees slammed to the ground, it undoubtedly hurt. With tears in his eyes, he looked up to his Grandmother, only to find her looming over him. She was tall as a mountain, and just as unyielding. She ordered him to stand up on his own and did not let the servants help him.

The Grandmother beside him now was the polar opposite of the one from that memory. This overt fussing was foreign to him, but of course it wasn’t really for him, but Li Changyu.

Wait. He paused. How did I remember that? PJenqH

The scene had played so clearly in his mind’s eye that he didn’t question it at first. Jin Xiyan knew that he had not remembered this before, and the memory felt so real that it had to be genuine. What if–

“Li Changyu, are you unwell?!” Royal Grandmother’s cry snapped him back to reality.

Blinking, Jin Xiyan looked between his Grandmother and Eldest Brother’s worried faces. He took the Grand Empress Dowager’s hands into his and lowered them. His lips twitched into a tentative smile.

“I am sorry for worrying you. I was momentarily overwhelmed – my memory is mostly intact, but there are details that escape me for a few moments.” LKBmrH

Her lips pursed together, not looking entirely convinced. “This feels too much like when His Majesty was injured.”

“If your condition worsens, please, do not hesitate to call for help,” his Eldest Brother added. “Should you get in trouble, I will speak to His Majesty on your behalf.”

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Jin Xiyan smiled genuinely at that. He was pleased that his Eldest Brother was an advocate for Li Changyu, though he did not heed his words that much before. Thinking back on it now, Zhao Lanhu was one of the few voices within the Royal Family to defend Li Changyu. He did not know how to express his gratitude other than to say thanks.

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

“Thank you, Eldest Brother. I can only hope you understand the depths of my appreciation.” iZk9zH

Zhao Lanhu’s brows furrowed, his head tilting to the side ever so slightly. “Are you sure that you are not affected, Changyu? I am not your Eldest Brother – Guangzhu is older than I.”

Jin Xiyan straightened his spine and gulped. Damn! He did not have the chance to back peddle from the slip of his tongue, as Royal Grandmother swept them into a sudden tirade.

“How could Xiyan neglect this?!” She hit her fist against the table, rattling their dishes. Her head dipped down and her eyes closed, and she clutched her chest with a shaky hand. One of her older servants rushed by her side, and Jin Xiyan twisted to face her and hold onto her shoulder.

“Your Highness, please calm down!” pleaded her servant. Jin Xiyan looked to his Brother, who looked equally concerned. c5Ktq6

“You, fetch some calming medicine!” Zhao Lanhu urged one of the others. As more servants bustled about, Jin Xiyan turned back to his Grandmother and also beseeched her.

“Royal Grandmother, please,” he begged as he swallowed down the bile threatening to rise. The servant dabbed a cloth along Royal Grandmother’s forehead. “Do not let your hatred of His Majesty make you ill.”

“Hatred?” Her eyes opened and she looked down at him, a watery line clinging to her lashes. She shook her head. “If I had hated my Emperor Grandson, there would be no pain.”

How can this be? Jin Xiyan frowned, confused now. “What?” QebYWl

“A-Chang, my heart breaks because I love him.”

By now, a servant arrived with a small pill that she gave to Her Highness. She drank it down with some tea, then her servant fanned her lightly. Jin Xiyan remained close at her side, and because he couldn’t help himself, Jin Xiyan asked, “You do not love me more than the Emperor?”

He braced himself for her answer, expecting the worst. Royal Grandmother’s frown deepened, along with the lines of her face when her brows furrowed. “That is asking this Grandmother to choose favorite Grandchildren. That is impossible.”

“Zh–I…” Jin Xiyan squirmed slightly under her gaze. “I did not mean that I want you to play favorites. I just…why do you treat me better than Jin Xiyan?” M4I0Pv

“I…” she began, her lip quivering before a rueful smile smoothed her features. “I suppose it is my failing to raise a son and a grandson that led to this. Please, let me explain…”

—-

Zhang Yunqing knelt stiffly in front of the Emperor after offering him the customary tea after her wedding day to the Crown Prince Jin Yinlong. Sweat gathered on her brow, forcing her attention to the large head ornament she wore that weighed down her already lowered head.

Emperor Jin Wenlong looked down his nose at the young couple. Zhang Yunqing knew that he was reluctant to marry them as she was, after all, a Princess of a vassal state that rebelled against him. The Jewel of the Western Kingdom – that was her title. Tying her to the Royal Family ensured that her Father, should he care for her safety, would stay in line. However, she was not certain that her Father did care for her safety. For now, she was simply a political pawn, and expected to act as such. AwTJ 4

“Zhen advises Erchen to not overindulge with their new bride,” Jin Wenlong cast a narrowed glance towards her. “You have duties to fill, and others in your Yard. Tend to them well.”

With a wave, Jin Wenlong dismissed them both. She and Jin Yinlong rose in unison and bowed one final time before turning to leave. She followed her new Husband out of the Main Palace towards Maple Hall, where she would stay. At the entrance, Jin Yinlong stopped her.

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“I have a gift, to keep Her Highness company.” Jin Yinlong shifted from one foot to the other. Her Husband, who was aloof and was so distracted from reading last night that they did not even consummate their marriage, looked hesitant when he spoke. He then snapped his fingers.

Several girls filed out from her small door frame, each lining up one by one in front of her. Confused, she shifted towards her Husband. “Your Highness, may I ask what this is?” ATbMH5

“These are a group of slaves that recently came in. Some of them are paying off debts.” Jin Yinlong cleared his throat. “I…thought that you would be lonely, since Emperor Father would not permit you to bring your own servants.”

“Oh…” She turned her gaze back over to the girls. Their faces were blank, almost lifeless, except for one girl who kept her eyes up. Zhang Yunqing locked eyes with her golden, topaz colored ones that held a curiosity in them. She did not shirk away either, not quickly darting it away like other servants do. A girl beside her nudged her with an elbow, and like she caught herself staring, the golden-eyed girl dropped her head.

Zhang Yunqing walked over and stopped at her spot in the line. With one more glance at the rest of them, she looked at her Husband. “I will take this girl.”

Jin Yinglong frowned, “Just one? There’s quite a number of them–” OCzKSr

“I only want this one.” Hastily, she added, “This Wife is appreciative of His Highness’ generosity. My needs are not much.”

Whether Jin Yinglong was offended or not was unknown, for all he did was nod and bid farewell first. The other servants moved away and left Maple Hall, leaving her and the girl alone.

“You may rise,” Zhang Yunqing said to her. Lifting to her full height, Zhang Yunqing could see the girl was an alpha as well. She was tall and willowy like bamboo, her plaited hair black as obsidian, and her eyes were sharp. Her complexion was darker than Zhang Yunqing’s, but it had no blemish whatsoever. Her hands, however, were calloused and showed signs of labor.

She is quite fetching…Perhaps Zhang Yunqing had been staring too long at the beauty, and the girl tilted her head inquisitively. 7KeAyl

“Madame?” she asked, her accent stilted.

A blush rushed to Zhang Yunqing’s cheeks. “Ah-uh…Your Highness. You should address me as Your Highness.” She cleared her throat and hid her blush behind her silk fan. “In private, I am Zhang Yunqing. May I have your name?”

“Your Highness…” Her lips worked around the word like she was testing it out, then a large smile beamed on her lips. “My name is Aynur.”

—— AuGfPv

“You knew his–I mean–my Grandmother?” Jin Xiyan blinked up at his own Grandmother, a little lost at how this story was answering his original question.

“Yes.” She nodded and dabbed at the corner of her eye. “Aynur came and went with me everywhere. She was very brave and stuck to her own convictions. In that way, you remind me of her very much.”

The wistful stare that his Grandmother had reminded him of the looks he’d seen on many others. Understanding dawned on him, and Jin Xiyan dared to ask.

“You…loved her?” EJ5ohY

Grandmother’s smile waned and with a heavy sigh, she confessed. “Yes. I have always preferred women, as your Grandfather also preferred men. But in the Royal Family, preference and inclination are not taken into consideration. We have our duties…”

Jin Xiyan pressed a little further, “Did you two–”

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“Goodness no!” Grandmother cut him off, a bit of pink coloring her cheeks. “She was in love with your Grandfather, my Emperor Husband’s sworn Brother. Li Jiao-Long was his study partner before he became a Shadow Guard. I think he and Aynur fell for one another at first sight. Then…”

His Grandmother twisted the handkerchief between her hands and she lowered her head. “Then the war happened. Many men were conscripted, including Jiao-Long. I granted Aynur her freedom so she could go with him to the border town near the encampment. I kept in touch through letters, but slowly they started to come less and less…until they stopped altogether. I didn’t hear from either of them again until one day your Father came to the Imperial Palace.” 7OdbRo

“Li Beidou?” Jin Xiyan missed his faux-pas, but it seemed the Grand Empress Dowager did too.

“En,” she angled her head to look at him with a small, genuine smile. “He was just a tiny thing about knee high. He had a note pinned to him explaining that his Parents had died and that they requested he be sent to me. By that time, I had Our Fallen Emperor, and I raised them side by side.” A serious expression clouded over her face now. “I had seen how distant Jin Yinlong was and his upbringing, so I hoped to give as much love and affection as I could to my Emperor Son. I had hoped that maybe it would make a more temperate, mild man…”

She shook her head before she continued, “I smothered my Emperor Son, as I did all my children. I offered to adopt Li Beidou, but it was Our Fallen Emperor that asked me not to.”

Jin Xiyan recalled something that Li Yuyan had said, “But…our Fathers were sworn Brothers, were they not?” 8rnJy7

“That is true…but in my carelessness, I did not realize the selfishness that existed in my Emperor Son.” She went on to explain, “What Mother could fault her own child severely? But even at such a young age, he was very self-aware. I believe that he genuinely appreciated his sworn Brother, but if Li Beidou was formally adopted…he worried about competition for the throne. Later, he was married to the Empress, and he was still cautious. Then…”

Her gaze turned to Zhao Lanhu next, who remained quiet and still. The Prince’s eyes were fixed to the table. Jin Xiyan looked between them, unsure of what to make of the unspoken exchange that clearly went on.

Tentatively, he asked, “Then…?”

Pulled from her trance, his Grandmother turned back to him and smiled. It was slight, but there was warmth in her eyes now. N0SLZF

“Then Li Beidou went off and you came much the same way.” She ordered more tea with a flick of her wrist. As it poured, she circled the topic back around. “I thought that if I was stricter on Xiyan, I could correct my prior mistakes. I told myself that at least he had you, but it seems that the cycle repeats itself nonetheless…”

Jin Xiyan did not have an opportunity to enjoy how much affection there was in the way his Grandmother said his name, because immediately questions arose. Li Changyu came to the Royal Palace? A ringing in his ears startled him and the figure of the ghost that haunted in his dreams flashed in his mind.

He reached out to grab his Grandmother’s arm, “Wait, are you saying I was here when I was young?”

Zhao Lanhu jerked his head up and his Grandmother gasped. Her eyes widened and she reached up to take his face into her hands. She stared down at him, her eyes now brimming with fresh tears. bPqU4

“You have been affected!” She cried, “Servants, fetch a physician!”

“Royal Grandmother, please.” This was his only chance at being told directly who Li Changyu was to him. “What was my relationship to His Majesty? If you tell me, maybe I could–”

“Stop,” Zhao Lanhu stretched out his hand to cover one of Jin Xiyan’s. “Let a physician see you, but maybe it is best to put that memory behind you for good.”

A set of tears rushed to his eyes, his frustration overwhelming. Why will these two not answer me?! Again and again his efforts had been foiled. How was he supposed to remember something when no one would help him? egHarc

“Please, Your Highness! I want to know the relation to my own Husband!”

She did not answer right away. Instead, his Grandmother’s hands fell down to hold him by the shoulders. One lifted to pet his hair and brush it back affectionately, but the gesture just made him feel hollow. She slid her arms around him and pulled him close, and Zhao Lanhu squeezed his hand. With his face buried into the crook of her neck, he was filled with her delicate, floral scent. He could sense she was trying to calm him with her pheromones, and his new omega body responded in kind. The tension in his shoulders released, and his breathing evened out. Though his heart eased into a normal pace, his mind still whirled.

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Grandmother murmured softly, “This must be a curse on our Family. First my Emperor Son, then Jin Xiyan, and now…even you…”

Eventually, she pulled back and lifted his face to her. She stroked his tears away with her thumbs, though hers still fell. NEd2Xy

“I want what is best for Jin Xiyan, which is what I tried my best to do. I failed in that, but I have always regarded you as a Grandchild as well. That is why I want what is best for you, A-Chang. Like you asked, I have looked for good candidates to present to His Majesty in order to ask for a divorce–”

“What?!” He lurched from her grasp and shouted, “Zh–His Majesty would never allow this!”

“Li Changyu, please, calm down.” Zhao Lanhu frowned, his own hand backing off when Jin Xiyan had moved away. “There is still plenty of time to convince His Majesty before the concubine selection in Spring.”

The Spring selection? His heart skipped a beat. Is that what you have planned all along, Li Changyu?! yA jO5

“Your Highnesses,” a servant entered and bowed, “an Imperial Physician is here.”

“A-Chang, let yourself be examined, and we can discuss the details at another time…”

He nodded, mostly because he had no response. The Physician, who looked to be an apprentice, knelt down beside him and started to examine him. Jin Xiyan was barely conscious of what was going on as he struggled to gather his thoughts.

Jin Xiyan wasn’t blind about Li Changyu’s situation any longer, and it appeared things went even deeper than he imagined. Beyond the monotony of being kept in a Palace, he only had three people with him outside of his relatives. His movements were restricted and the food was much below the quality of a legal Wife and Empress. On top of that, there was the scorn from Jin Xiyan’s other Wives and Mother. Then there were the most recent events, which led to both their deaths… hJVeC8

…Of course he would want a divorce. He sat up straighter in alarm when he just remembered something. He interrupted the Physician who was giving him directions and a prescription.

“Whoever has the Empress’ Seal is the one to select the concubines, correct?”

Blinking, his Grandmother answered, “Well, yes…I promised I would get the seal and pick the ones you thought best.”

“But if I were to get the seal…” he murmured, and his words trailed off as more of his plan came to mind. VHq6f9

“It is doubtful that His Highness the Empress Dowager would just hand it over, let alone to you.” Zhao Lanhu sighed, “Do not worry yourself with these matters just yet. Listen to the Physician and take care of your condition first and foremost.”

He nodded absently to his Eldest Brother, his thoughts elsewhere. He forgot his original purpose in meeting with his Grandmother, which was to investigate the necklace. Instead, Jin Xiyan focused on what his Grandmother just revealed.

If I can raise Li Changyu’s status, I could correct these injustices and obtain the Empress’s Seal… If they don’t switch back by the Spring and it was still Jin Xiyan to make the selection, he would overrule and pick no one. If they did return to their bodies, he would make every effort to persuade Li Changyu to drop his plans by showing how much better his life is. If Li Changyu remained unconvinced, well… His fists that rested on his knees clenched tightly together.

There is no way I am letting you go, Li Changyu. ukg2pn