For all his flirtatious bravado, Wei Qing is more than a little out of sorts by the time Friday at the office ends. Today, instead of being bundled up and whisked away by Yue Fei… he’s waiting for his brother in the lobby with his hands jammed in his pockets, trying and failing to hide his nervous energy.
You have to understand, Wei Qiwan used to be his god.
And just like a god, when Wei Qiwan eventually turned his eyes away from him, Wei Qing was left with no idea of where he erred or how to return to the Kingdom of Heaven. He was just… lost. Hell can be as simple as a single person turning their back on you. To suddenly be called back and offered warmth and old routines but no explanation–
It would send anyone round the bend, never mind someone as emotionally fragile as Wei Qing. But good food is good food and good brotherhood is irreplaceable, so Wei Qing tells himself that he’s ready to be hurt again.
It helps that he knows that if Wei Qiwan really demolishes him, Yue Fei will be somewhere nearby, ready to collect the pieces and stick him back together again. But optimism and nerves can stumble along hand and hand, so yeah– it’s for the best (especially for his image) that his twitching hands stay hidden in his pockets, and his face stays trained on the bustle outside the tinted lobby glass instead of on the doors of the executive elevator behind him.
After all, he’s not some puppy waiting for his owner to take him for a walk.
His non-existent tail wags when Wei Qiwan appears, at six on the dot.
—
While Wei Qiwan and Wei Qing are driven to their delicious and emotionally perilous dinner, Yue Fei is consuming a frightening amount of pornography. For research! He- he just really wants to do well in this. Needs to, even, to put certain distant pains to bed.
Even if Wei Qing seems satisfied so far, Yue Fei is tragically aware of the gulf in experience between them… And the probability that their weekend away will involve an escalation in their physical affections. After all, he’s a little amazed they haven’t made love already, never mind once they’re in a celebratory love bubble with the galaxy spread out above them. And if this is the weekend it happens…
He wants Wei Qing to have a nice time. To be pleased with him.
And that means he needs to study.
After all, his other partners…
Well, Wei Qing has a river cruise worth of beauties to call up and get a reference from, and Yue Fei had never heard any notes of dissatisfaction until they were asked to move on. In comparison, Yue Fei had only half a dozen failed launches and three people who had been forced into touching him, at least one of whom had died rather than continue.
Not exactly the kind of thing that fills one with sexual confidence.
So Yue Fei spends his time off watching art-house pornographic films as a supplement to the manuals and guides and self-help books that he’s been quietly reading each night in bed. He has a whole watchlist of amateur and artistic stuff that swears it’s the real deal when it comes to pleasure over presentation, no confusing leg angles or gratuitous shots of jackhammering in.
It’s irrational and he knows it, but a very small part of him is scared that somehow he’ll be bad enough at this that the past will repeat.
Of course, he’d taken precautions. Was still taking them. Started slow, let Wei Qing direct the encounters and set the pace, left plenty of ways out if Wei Qing eventually grew tired of just how boring he is. He knows it won’t end like that, but how nice might it be if it doesn’t end at all? If he studies well enough and loves deeply enough that Wei Qing might somehow be completely satisfied, just with him?
The sum of his diligently hidden insecurities is mountainous.
Yes… for all their closeness and the way Wei Qing relies on him, he’ll still feel better if he can make Wei Qing lose his mind a few dozen times in bliss. Even if all the guides suggest that he’s constructing an overstimulated fantasy with those numbers of his– hope is a liferaft. He can shoot for the moon and land amongst the stars before dying of oxygen deprivation, or whatever the phrase is.
So yeah, while Wei Qing is cutting into a steak that has probably led a more relaxed life than most humans, Yue Fei diligently watches and watches and watches some more, taking notes of everything Wei Qing might like, and, based on the nubile young men on the screen, how to tell when he isn’t into it.
—
Wei Qing sneezes into his napkin, ears coloring slightly at the superstitious idea that Yue Fei might, just maybe, be thinking about him. Ah, wouldn’t that be nice? Almost as nice as these lobster appetizers, which look like spirals of heaven on the fancy square presentational plate.
Wei Qiwan nudges the platter closer to him.
“Don’t be polite; I still don’t understand the obsession with shellfish.”
Heh, that’s right.
His brother would choke it down if he had to for politeness’ sake, but Wei Qiwan had never liked eating anything with an exoskeleton. Didn’t trust it, he said. Which meant that he’d specifically ordered this as some type of peace offering, or maybe a self-punishment. Wei Qing happily digs in, even as he worries that he’s being set up to have the rug pulled out from under him again.
But the pull never comes, the abyss never opens.
Sure, there’s an obvious difference between this and those previous, deeply-cherished dinners, but there’s no malice in the estrangement. Just the creaks and grinding slowness of a motor that’s been left too long without oil and the rust that inevitably sets in. The unexpected give when Wei Qing’s filet comes out a smidge too well-done, and Wei Qiwan takes one look and sends it back, even though Wei Qing himself wouldn’t usually bother to make the fuss.
Despite his bewildering alienation, Wei Qiwan still remembered his little sibling’s preferences, and still kept track of when he was wronged.
The night flows on, with increasingly easy conversation spurred on by maybe a little too much wine on both their behalfs. By the time they’re poured into their car, Wei Qing is (not so) subtly using drunkenness as an excuse to receive hugs. Not knowing how long the affection will last, he naturally has to take full advantage and hoard attention.
“Where’s the- ha, aren’t you supposed to be a hedonist? How is your tolerance so low?”
“I’ve very tolerant, I’m the most tolerant– I don’t get drunk anymore.”
“You are drunk right now.”
“This doesn’t count! I was with a guardian!”
“Listen to your guardian, up you get.”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“Make me.”
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He waves a finger in his face.
“Even if you’re disappointed, you can’t ignore me again. Or I will… refuse to leave here. I will live in this car!”
“Okay, okay, I know my wrongs. No ignoring little Qing’er.”
“Ugh, I hate that- don’t call me that!”
“Since when?”
“Since Yang- ah, whatever, you wouldn’t understand. It hasn’t happened yet!”
“What?”
“Will you collect my corpse?”
“What?”
“I’m serious! If I die ag- if I die, will you come get me? Will you bring me home?”
All the lightness bleeds out of the night. Wei Qing is shivering, clutching Wei Qiwan’s shoulders hard enough that he dimly hears the stitching start to give. Not that Wei Qiwan cares. If Wei Qing wants to tear it, Wei Qing can tear it. Wei Qiwan’s much more concerned about the dark things in his didi’s head. He used to be a happy drunk…?
He adjusts his naming style, even though his head is swimming.
“Xiao Qing. I- yes? Okay? If by some horrible twist, you leave first, I won’t let anyone else- not even that man of yours! Only I am qualified to bring you home-”
Wei Qing bursts into tears, muttering about promises against Wei Qiwan’s rapidly ruined lapels. Wei Qiwan helplessly pets down his hair, falling into a caretaking role that he is too rusty and too sloshy to complete competently. Luckily, Wei Qing’s standards for comfort are abysmally low.
Honestly, even if he ends up rolling around on the floor, as long as Wei Qiwan pats him with his shoe he will probably be satisfied. Abysmal.
“Okay, okay, you’re young and healthy, stop thinking about such maudlin things. Like this, no wonder you stopped getting drunk…” Really, really helpless. Really, really regrets it. Wei Qiwan manages to text Yue Fei, warning him of his incoming parcel, and spends the rest of the ride soothingly promising to collect his corpse and fight his enemies and never, ever abandon him.
By the end, even through the haze of the Malbec, he feels pretty shitty about all of it. Even manages to open his mouth and (almost) properly apologize, though who knows if his lightweight little didi will remember any of it.
His voice is as low as it was when they went to grandfather’s wake, nearly two decades ago.
“I am- brother is sorry, really sorry, Xiao Qing. Brother wanted to keep you light and happy, brother didn’t realize how stupid he was being. Brother knows his wrongs, brother will just crush anyone bad directly from now on.”
Wei Qing is not aware enough to properly question this narrative, or he’d certainly demand to know how being maligned and disdained counted as any kind of lightness. Sober, he’d be very interested in knowing the details of this maladaptive brain hole. Instead, he stays in his brother’s stiff embrace until the door is opened and Yue Fei’s familiar scent is brought in on new air.
He hears his two favorite voices, clashing like swords in the space above his head.
“-Why is he crying?”
“How is it your business?! He’s my brother, I can-” Wei Qiwan’s voice gives way. “-nothing bad! Xiao Qing and I have cleared things between us!” There’s an out-of-place childish defensiveness in Wei Qiwan’s voice, the kind no one but their parents has ever heard before.
Yue Fei’s anger bleeds out as he understands.
“…President Wei is also drunk?”
“Not drunk! I can drink a dozen cups! Hey, don’t take advantage, or I’ll hunt you down! Xiao Qing is- even if he likes you, don’t think I won’t-”
Wei Qing’s hand comes up and blindly rubs Wei Qiwan’s face, turning his normally handsome nose into something closer to a silicon fidget toy.
“Da-ge, don’t fight, Yue Fei is the best~”
“The best? Too easy. Keep trying hard!”
Yue Fei sighs and rubs Wei Qing’s back, making very little progress in untangling him from his nearly-as-drunk elder brother. Who is also not helping, instead smiling at him victoriously (drunkenly) every time Wei Qing tunnels back into his arms. He’s still muttering his praises, even as he dodges his hands.
Yue Fei suddenly feels the need to brush up his sense of existence.
“…Yue Fei is still here.” He sighs helplessly. “Wei Qing, be good and come up.”
The magic words are spoken, and Wei Qing straightens out and manages to get out the door in a manner that is both well-behaved and seemingly sober, if you ignore the way he’s gripping Yue Fei stay upright. He bows and bestows a watery smile at his brother.
“Goodnight, da-ge! Good luck finding someone to warm your bed!”
…Okay, so not sober at all.
Yue Fei slams the door and speedwalks Wei Qing into their building before Wei Qiwan processes that and then- who knows what happens. Yue Fei has the feeling it somehow ends up with Wei Qiwan insisting on sleeping over so that his little brother can’t be taken advantage of, or whatever Wei Qiwan imagines.
Little does he know, Yue Fei is actually his staunchest ally in the fight for Wei Qing’s chastity.
While Wei Qiwan goes and sleeps it off somewhere, Yue Fei’s the one who has to lock his boyfriend in his room. Sober as he is, he knows better than to give in to Wei Qing’s pretty promises and amazing ability to strip. Their first kiss being a drunken revelation is fine, but Yue Fei draws the line at sleeping together for the first time in a state that his love might not even be able to properly enjoy, much less remember.
He kisses him and feeds him headache tablets and water and helps him brush his teeth, even though Wei Qing ends up using his amazing drunk strength to lift Yue Fei onto his bathroom counter and trap the man there until they have a very lovely, very not-dentist-approved round of dental hygiene checks. At least it gives Yue Fei enough time to question his man and figure out roughly the scope of the night’s menu, and that Wei Qing’s drunkenness is purely in his ‘fun and loving’ stage, rather than the level of ‘vomit everywhere and make me panic.’ Yue Fei kisses him more and feeds him even more water, supervises his overtly sexual bedtime routine, and helps tuck him in.
And then, painfully hard yet with his heart terribly soft, Yue Fei turns on the nanny cam, locks the door, and hurries to the safety of his own bathroom to get off. He doesn’t need anything but the images of the last half hour and the comfort of his own hand–
Wei Qing is just too irresistible. He can barely get his waistband down before he’s lost; he has no idea how he’s going to do anything that isn’t embarrassingly eager if they actually- when they actually- when- He falls apart, head against cool tile and body trembling with delight and disappointment.
Yeah, he definitely needs more practice.
But the lake house is already booked, and even if Wei Qing is currently a mewling mess of adorableness, their bags are already packed. There’s nothing for it but to learn on the job.
Or spend a lot of time on foreplay and hope that that evens them out?
—
Luckily, for all his antics and recently dropped tolerance, Wei Qing’s body still remembers the steps of drunkenness, and he’s granted the reprieve of a mostly hangover-free morning. Ah, the benefits of being (almost) only twenty-four again. Can’t beat that liver function! He’s a little sloshy and probably can’t dance a ballet, but there’s nothing in it that keeps him from being bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in the kitchen.
If only he could remember the night past the dessert course… but there’s a redness in his eyes and a soreness in his throat that makes him pretty sure he cried. A lot. And- call him a coward, but Wei Qing would rather preserve the awkward pleasantness of the dinner by not investigating how it had ended.
If Wei Qiwan had scolded him again… He doesn’t want to remember it. He’s fine living in a world of pretend, if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t so easily give in, he’d demand explanations. But he’s not willing to risk a negative reaction. He’d rather be timid and unsure and even used than rejected.
So he knocks and has his door unlocked and investigates their weekend plans instead.
“A hint? Please?” Wei Qing has been at it all week; Yue Fei is hardly going to cave and spoil it now.
“There will be a roof.”
“Wow, fantastic, that narrows it down so much-”
“I can always cancel and we can go camping?” No roof there, you adorable smartass.
“Ah, well, being laid out under the stars certainly has its advantages~”
Yue Fei shakes his head and admits defeat; ever since their relationship changed, he really can’t win in these little verbal spars of theirs. His snarkiness just can’t cut through the honey in his heart and the heat in his gut, every time Wei Qing is so lightly coy with him. He presses a kiss to the man’s warm, clean forehead and stuffs another pastry in his mouth before picking up the first of their luggage and leading Wei Qing down to the four-by-four they’ve borrowed from the family garage.
(Thanks, Wei Qiwan. Hope there’s someone to take care of your hangover!)
They also borrow a driving uncle, Yue Fei having given in to Wei Qing’s obvious if unstated desire to act like a pair of fresh-faced young lovers, holding hands and sharing snacks in the back instead of one always at the front, driving the other. Who knows, maybe they’d eventually retain one permanently, though he’s not sure he trusts anyone else with Wei Qing’s safety–
He climbs into the backseat and pulls Wei Qing in after. Even offers him milk hawthorns from a shared bag.
“Really?” Wei Qing’s excitement makes even the somewhat snout-faced driving uncle look sweet and fresh.
“It’s my boyfriend’s birthday weekend.”
Something so easy, how could I not arrange it?
—
Wei Qing is enchanted by the drive, by Yue Fei next to him, knees knocking as the roads turn rough and gravely two hours outside the city. Wei Qing is held hostage by how delicious Yue Fei looks in casual clothing, and the impressive hickey he finds just under Yue Fei’s collar, his work last night made semi-permanent. If the SUV had a privacy screen, he’d definitely add a twin to keep it company, but alas-
Wei Qing feels the air leave him as they enter a private park and after a kilometer of charming forests, the view opens up to a rippleless lake and the welcoming wood and glass house, perched above it.
“Happy birthday, baby.” Yue Fei leans in close enough that his lips feather across the shell of Wei Qing’s ear.
Wei Qing loses the capacity for speech.
Just– lets Yue Fei take his hand and lead him on a tour around the grounds, as the driving uncle tucks away their bags and then disappears to wherever charmingly irrelevant tertiary characters go. There’s a natural field instead of a manicured lawn, a dock with no waves lapping against it, and water clear enough that he can see the shale underneath, like oversized ombre confetti. It’s the kind of place you expect to see a deer looking up at you from, and Wei Qing is blown away even before they walk up three raw-edged wooden steps and into the aproned doors of the modern cabin.
But once they enter, he gains a new appreciation for his own ability to be impressed.
A sleek and simple kitchen, smoked glass and deep orange-red woods, offset by gray pebbled bathrooms and a pallet of toe-hookable white and light gray throws and duvets and rugs, all centered around a fireplace that it won’t get cold enough to use, but that still adds a romanticism to the place.
Of course, you couldn’t say romantic without mentioning the bed.
Bed.
Singular.
An oversized thing, smack in the middle of the leftmost room, looking out over a bank of smoked glass that opens directly onto the deck, and the lake below. Full of soft pillows and a fluffy duvet, and with a heart made of flowers somewhat hastily arranged in the time that it takes Wei Qing to get back from the bathroom (Hey, don’t blame him for ruining the moment, that car ride was long and he’s had a lot of post-booze hydration).
And now he’s misty-eyed for a different reason, as he watches Yue Fei nervously shifting from foot to foot, like a kid whose not sure his confession is going to be accepted. He can see Yue Fei’s desire to hurry up and fix a few crooked edges, and in that moment, he’s sure:
This man is everything he’s ever wanted.
He’s it.
Sexy and capable, yet so openly honest in his affections that it washes away the astringent taste of all those past lovers, who were barely worth remembering except for when they took more than they gave and hollowed the heart right out of him.
He-
He’s so overwhelmed by all of this.
By the candles that that poor driving uncle had probably been running around to light before vanishing on them, by the crooked little heart on the bed, by Yue Fei’s balled-up fists and by this retreat, which isn’t even in the top ten of places he’s been whisked away to, yet feels warmer and more real than any of the rest of them.
He really, really loves him.
And suddenly, the promise of this weekend and the insanity of being able to get drunk with his brother is too much. Wei Qing wants to kiss the feeling away, but Yue Fei is too perceptive for that. He forgets his own nerves and wraps Wei Qing up in a hug that’s more comfort than invitation, bruising a hundred petals as they find their way to the bed.
“Wei Qing, what- we don’t have to do anything, you know. It’s just-”
Wei Qing looks up, and Yue Fei can’t keep talking, because there’s just too many emotions to catalog, much less upon which to formulate an appropriate response. Wei Qing’s crying, but smiling, but also clenching his hands hard enough to leave angry pink crescents across his palms. He doesn’t want to be like this, he wants to get lost in the moment, his stupid head just isn’t cooperating, insisting on first giving into panic.
“I just- I love it, I love you, even if it’s too early, even if I shouldn’t, but-”
But-
Yue Fei prepares himself for anything. Stays supportive, soft, and present but not overbearing.
“-but I don’t understand why. Why do you like me so much this time? Why is Wei Qiwan buying me steak and promising not to ignore me? Why-?”
Wei Qing shakes his head and dashes his tears against his palm, brokenly laughing.
“I’m sorry, I sound crazy. Ha, really. Stupid! It’s like being mad at someone for cheating you in a dream. I know it’s not real, you haven’t even done anything yet, but I still- I don’t know why everything is okay now, where before it was- you all left.”
Yue Fei waits, wondering why Wei Qing is staring at him, not speaking. Did he- did he misstep? Assume too much, with this weekend and this bed? But Wei Qing was still smiling, just… in a slightly ugly, very stressed-looking way.
“Wei Qing. What it is?”
“Ha- hahahaa. Sorry, I know, I’m not laughing at you- I just-” Wei Qing presses a wet kiss against Yue Fei’s skittering pulse-point. “-you say that, but you’ll definitely have me committed.”
“Wei Qing, you-. There’s nothing you can’t tell me. Nothing I expect or will demand.” Wei Qing burrows deeper, Yue Fei wraps his arms more tightly around him and kisses affirmations against his overstimulated skin. Let’s his presence and solemn air express what his words fall short of.
“-Ah, Yue Fei, you don’t know what you’ve just promised-” He leans into the contact nonetheless. Gives in, his voice airy, as if this is all a joke and he’s just pretending, instead of exposing things too ridiculous to be accepted.
“What if- what if I didn’t listen, when you told me to be good? What if I abandoned myself, and you left me, just like you threatened? What if- what if you all left, and all that was left was someone who never took me seriously, never cared about my life and death- what if, in the end, all I had was nothing, and-”
He ducks his head.
“What if I told you that already happened? And I’m terrified that this is just regrets of what could have been, before I hit the pavement? What if this is just a sweet dream? If I don’t have you or him or anyone, just a broken body and endless regrets. Would you commit me then?”
Author’s Corner:
Oop. I forgot a small knife. Maybe more than one.
I empathize a lot with Wei Qing, in particular, his not-so-great survival strategy of pretending everything is okay and taking all the love he can get instead of investigating the truth because he’s afraid to risk what he has. Even though Wei Qiwan’s abandonment is still poisoning him, he misses him so much and his own self-esteem is such a mess that he’s willing to pretend it’s okay, to not investigate, to let the poison linger, because misunderstandings and doubt and fear are better than the indifference that he’s been sipping.
But when you’re that fragile and that eager to pretend everything is okay– sometimes all it takes is someone being so openly considerate to totally crack your facade. Then what?
On a tangent, if you want a peek into my theme song for Wei Qing’s feelings about Wei Qiwan and their falling out, I 100% write them with ‘mommy’ by Acacia on repeat. Lyrics, Song.
It was such a big chapter thank you so much. And yeah I empathised a lot with the “if I don’t talk about it et do like it doesn’t exist maybe it will” (spoiler: doesn’t work life always catches you up). One of my friends used to make me cried by how sweet he was so yeah. It will take time and I really like how Yue Fei might be like “you remember too ?!”. Even if it’s not the same timeline they both have traumas about that.
Well, long comment but just thank you in a nutshell (and two 💐🌹 for u because I forgot one last chapter)
So I’ve been wanting to write this for a while now, but I really like the author/your writing style. It’s cute, it’s light hearted, it’s witty, it’s really fun to read. But at the same time my heart breaks for each of the characters, what they’ve been through, all their fears and insecurities. Thank you so much for writing this story, looking forward to future chapters!
And thank you too for the consistent uploads!
So our crybaby Wei Qing’s breakdown is so understandable and a bit expected. It’s a good thing he laid all his thoughts and doubts out in the open now when their relationship is only starting so Yue Fei can spend the rest of their lifetime coaxing and pampering him.
Thanks for the update~💕 I’m excited to see Yue Fei’s reaction to his baby’s revelation 😏
Indeed, that’s a scary notion for a rebirth-er: what if all the good things are just illusions shown as reprieve, a consolation before he hits the pavement 😭😭
It’s so cute to see the brothers being affectionate (albeit while drunk) and we’re SO CLOSE to a proper apology!!! Come on Wei Qiwan, just say that again when you’re both sober (with a proper explanation)! But ahhh Wei Qing baby 😭😭 at least now him and Yue Fei will be on the same page about their double rebirth? Which will probably be a huge relief for both of them in the end, after the angst of it all. Gonna listen to that song later!!! If you have a longer playlist for this story I’d love to know what’s on it!!
Yue Fei and Wei Qiwan are trying so hard this time, that it was easy to forget that they really did leave him to cope by himself. The frightening truth is that since he doesn’t know why they did it before, they could do it again now, when he’s all tender meat and no exoskeleton.
This chapter was deep. Thx. Want moar!!
Wei qiiiiiiing 😭😭😭
😭
Next time, dont forget to put the knives away when you “tidy” their relationship. 😇🔪. ( Do what I tell you, but dont do what I do😉).
Thanks for this wonderful chapter and I am (not) ready for angst !