“Lu Qinyi.” Zhao Mei was seething, her tone dark with a cutting sharpness that made Lu Qinyi cringe. “How could you be so stupid? How could you do something so idiotic? You didn’t say anything. You didn’t do anything, gave no indication at all. Instead of informing us you felt as if you were drowning, what did you do? You tried to actually drown yourself. What the fuck were you thinking?”
Lu Qinyi had his head down. He couldn’t face what he would find in Zhao Mei’s gaze right then. Her chilling, piercing gaze that even his toughest soldiers had learned to fear. He knew what he find there. The icy anger that would be swelling within them, but worse would be the hurt that would be held beneath it all. The fear, sadness, and pain.
Zhao Mei stared down at him as the silence in the room grew thicker.
“Qinyi, look me in the eyes and tell me why.”
Lu Qinyi reluctantly raised his head. Although time had passed and he had long since dried and dressed, his hair was still a little damp. It weighed down the lazy curls that fell over his eyes as he looked up at her. He could handle her chewing him out, he deserved that. He couldn’t handle the subtle way her lips quivered, that vulnerability that was just below the layer of ice on her cold features. “Mei Mei… I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t ask for an apology. I want an explanation.”
He only shook his head slightly.
She stared deeply at him before she turned away from him, as if she didn’t want to look at him any longer. “If you want to bathe from now on, you have to inform Yang Xun.”
Lu Qinyi pressed a hand over his chest where he could still feel that suffocating pressure. It was from something other than lack of oxygen this time. “Since when did you two give me orders…” He muttered quietly.
“Since you became an idiot.” Zhao Mei didn’t even hesitate as she replied.
“Haven’t I always been one?”
“Yes, but you’re even stupider now.”
Lu Qinyi’s lips pressed into a line at that. “I suppose I have no place to argue against that anymore, do I?”
“No. You don’t.”
Lu Qinyi leaned back, studying the beams that lined the ceiling above him as she left the room. Even now, I get off lightly. You’re too soft Mei Mei.
“We need you to give him something to do.”
“You need me… to assign Lu Qinyi a task to do.” Fei Li repeated Yang Xun’s and Zhao Mei’s strange request slowly. He still couldn’t understand it though.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“Tfr.” Itjb Zfl gfqilfv rlwqis yea Tjcu Wec fijybgjafv. “Ccsatlcu klii vb. Llr wlcv cffvr ab yf xfqa bmmeqlfv, pera ulnf tlw rbwfatlcu ab xffq tlw yers. Aera… cbatlcu wlilajgs gfijafv. Vbwfatlcu yfcluc.”
Mfl Ol ofia ilxf rjslcu ‘kts wf?’ Aera obg atf rjxf bo la. Itjb Zfl jcv Tjcu Wec kfgf pera uefrar gfjiis, atfs vlvc’a fnfc tjnf ilnfr frajyilrtfv tfgf, ktja ajrx mbeiv atfs ulnf tlw? Dfrlvfr, ktfc atfs kfgfc’a klat Oe Hlcsl, atfs kfgf bmmeqlfv ibbxlcu obg agjmfr bo atflg gfrqfmalnf ibnfv bcfr. Mfl Ol vlv ktja tf mbeiv ab qgbnlvf atfw klat atf gfrbegmfr ab vb rb yea atja vlvc’a wjxf atf rfjgmt fjrs. Vb tf rlutfv jcv atbeuta jybea la. “C ilygjgs.”
“…A library?”
“A library.” Fei Li repeated. “I had one built to hold my book collection from my various residences but haven’t gotten around to filling it. That should do as a task, correct?”
Zhao Mei glanced to Yang Xun who considered it. “Yeah, that should work.”
Fei Li had to wonder if all of their exchanges were going to be like this as he called over a servant to arrange it.
Lu Qinyi, who had been dragged out from his room, circled around the large room. He ran his hand along a shelf on one of the numerous empty bookshelves that lined each side of the room. Towering stacks of books had been stacked neatly in the front of the room for him.
Yang Xun gave a low whistle as he poked his head in the door. “Those are a lot of books. You’ve read all of these?”
Fei Li nodded. “Essentially, yes. I’ve spent a lot of my time studying.”
“Yeah, clearly.” Yang Xun clicked his tongue, in amazement or pity was anyone’s guess. “Good luck Qinyi!” Yang Xun called as he turned and ran off to join Zhao Mei for an errand. The two travelled together for errands, doing what they could to avoid any attention. The Southern trio could hardly be considered welcome in the North, if they were recognised by the wrong people it could only spell trouble.
So, that left Lu Qinyi alone in a room with Fei Li, who was only there to assist with moving the books in. He gave instructions to the young servant who left the room to fetch another set of books.
It was then that Fei Li felt Lu Qinyi’s gaze fall on him. Fei Li shifted his own gaze to meet it.
“Tell me, General Fei…” Lu Qinyi began slowly and Fei Li could already feel the dark emotions lying beneath his seemingly light tone.
Lu Qinyi’s eyes narrowed. “Does it help alleviate your guilt for everything you’ve done to play at saving someone? Does ‘saving’ me make you feel better?” Lu Qinyi spat out, sarcasm heavily weighing in the word ‘saving’. It seems somewhere it had slipped that Fei Li had been the one to call in that something had been wrong the previous day.
Fei Li’s fingers curled at his sides in discomfort and he had to look away from Lu Qinyi. Fei Li wasn’t one to care much about the words of others, but Lu Qinyi was like a sharp knife that wedged in between his ribs and made it hard to breathe. Fei Li didn’t save Lu Qinyi because he got a rise out of it. No, it was simply because… he wanted Lu Qinyi to live. Perhaps that was quite a cruel and selfish wish to have, given how he had torn apart Lu Qinyi’s life. Maybe it was a way to cope with his guilt, Fei Li wasn’t even sure himself.
Rather than give a response, Fei Li simply turned toward the door to leave.
“I’m none of your concern, General Fei. I don’t need it, not from you.”
Fei Li paused. “Noted,” he replied without any inflection to his tone as he continued on again. Only Fei Li knew how deeply Lu Qinyi’s words dug at him. How they buried under his skin and haunted his mind well into the evening, until Fei Li couldn’t stand his own thoughts any longer. Until Fei Li’s gaze finally drifted to where his collection of wines he had been gifted over the years was stored.
It was early the next day and Lu Qinyi was one of the first to wake. He wasn’t able to sleep any longer and felt too restless to stay still. But he didn’t feel like starting his assigned ‘work’ for the day either, so he decided to walk around the estate instead. It was a beautiful estate afterall, with its white pebbled koi ponds and gardens that Fei Li definitely didn’t design himself.
Lu Qinyi hadn’t even gone far before he stumbled across Fei Li. Fei Li was sitting on the wooden walkway, right beside where it gave way to the decorative waterways of the courtyard. He was sipping from a wine jar. There were quite a few empty wine jars discarded around him and it wasn’t hard to tell from his uncharacteristically sluggish and ungraceful movements that he was obviously quite intoxicated at this point.
Fei Li glanced up at him and Lu Qinyi glanced down coldly. Fei Li suddenly looked upset, a rare amount of emotion visible in his expression, and his mouth moving as if to say something. But in the end, not a word came out. Fei Li simply looked away again and lifted the jar of wine up, tilting it back to keep drinking.
Lu Qinyi found himself walking closer. He crouched down beside him and slowly looked over him. His gaze then fell to the empty jars piled around Fei Li, mentally counting them. “Haven’t you had enough?” He asked slowly.
Fei Li frowned faintly, fingers tracing the rim of the jar resting in his lap. “No. Not yet.”
Lu Qinyi curled his lip in disdain. “Well, get up and drink elsewhere. You’re an eyesore.”
Fei Li nodded obediently and unsteadily got to his feet. He nudged aside an empty jar at his feet, and pulled at his robes to shift them out of the way. He stumbled a little as he tried to walk, eventually deciding to use the wall to keep himself upright and not face planted into the ground. But his head was swimming too badly. The world was swaying violently in his vision, threatening to give way underneath him. He stopped walking to lean heavily on the wall, pressing his forehead against it and closing his eyes to fight down the nausea.
Lu Qinyi watched the mess that Fei Li was, and his pathetic attempt at even walking. He ran his hand over his face, letting out an exhale of exasperation before he caught up to Fei Li in a few wide steps. He hooked his arm around him and pulled him up. Fei Li didn’t resist him and so Lu Qinyi silently supported him back to his bedroom, reluctance written all over his expression. He released Fei Li as they reached the door, figuring he’d leave him to manage on his own from here. But he didn’t forget to pluck the wine jar from Fei Li’s arms before he did.
Fei Li’s brows knit and he immediately went to grab it back. “Give.. give it back.”
Lu Qinyi scoffed at him, easily defending against the much too slow Fei Li and raising the wine jar out of reach. “Not a chance. Just go to your bed already, you’re annoying me as it is.”
Fei Li mumbled something, pulling on Lu Qinyi’s sleeve. But his control over his body had been numbed, he didn’t have the strength nor the dexterity to get his jar back. “Give it. It’s mine… I wasn’t done.”
“No.”
“You. You have to.”
Lu Qinyi raised an impassive brow. “And why would I have to? Are you going to make me, General?”
Fei Li’s brows knit once more, his lips almost forming a pout on that otherwise blank face. “Yes.”
His posture was slouched, meaning Lu Qinyi could gaze down at him.
“Go ahead.”
Fei Li went to take a step but another wave of nausea hit and he misstepped, collapsing forward instead. For a moment, Lu Qinyi seemed like he would step back to avoid him but in the end, he didn’t, letting Fei Li collapse into him.
There was silence. Neither said anything as Fei Li held onto Lu Qinyi to keep himself from slipping to the ground, his face buried against the other.
“I’m sorry,” Fei Li mumbled against his shoulder.
Lu Qinyi didn’t respond immediately but when he did, his voice was quiet. “I don’t want your apologies.”
“Oh…” Fei Li’s fingers dug into the fabric of Lu Qinyi’s robes and he lifted his head to look at Lu Qinyi with a lost look, his gaze a bit dazed. “What do you want?”
Lu Qinyi thought about it. “For none of this to have happened I suppose.”
Fei Li frowned slightly. “I can’t do that…”
Lu Qinyi only gave him a cold look. “Then I want my sister back at least.”
Fei Li frowned further, his words a bit slurred. “I can’t do that either…”
“Then you’re useless to me.”
“…Sorry…” Fei Li mumbled with genuine remorse, distress held in his eyes as his gaze lowered.
Lu Qinyi stared at him a while before he sighed again, even more deeply this time. He dropped the wine jar to pull Fei Li’s arm over his neck. His free arm wrapped around Fei Li’s waist, pulling the other’s weight further into himself. He was partially supporting Fei Li, partially carrying him, and partially dragging him through the room. This would have been easier if Lu Qinyi still had the same strength as before he deteriorated, it wouldn’t have been difficult to lift Fei Li up and carry him to the bed directly. Lu Qinyi stuffed the man into his bed and turned to leave without another word, collecting the wine jar on his way out. Fei Li blinked a few times before wearily closing his eyes, his exhaustion washing over like a wave now that he was lying in comfort.
The next day, after Fei Li had slept off his intoxication he couldn’t remember much of the previous day. But when Lu Qinyi and Fei Li passed in the hallway, Lu Qinyi still looked away from him only… he almost seemed a little less cold.
Author’s Notes:
Fei Li is very calm and unemotional on the surface, so people can’t see the amount he is actually struggling and suffering until those few moments he cracks. Fei Li didn’t see the point in trying to apologise to Lu Qinyi when he is sober, words won’t change anything and Lu Qinyi is hardly about to believe Fei Li is genuinely incredibly remorseful for everything he did in the war and the cost his win came at. But drunk Fei Li is more honest. Lu Qinyi can at least believe he has some heart seeing him wallowing in regret. Fei Li wasn’t unscathed by the war either.
Can I just stress how lucky LQ really is to have ZM and YX by his side? So, so fortunate. And it’s interesting to read how LQ actually helped FL back to his room despite hating him, a very interesting turn of events. I’m staying tuned for more 😎
Three chapters in a row! Woo hoo!!! Thank you so much ❤❤❤
Truly is. Reuniting them was really one of the best things Fei Li could do for Lu Qinyi, they’re the best thing for him right now and they can all support each other through this.
hehe yes. Very interesting indeed 🤭
Bulk upload! :DD You’re welcome, I hope you enjoyed!
thanka fir the updateman, i lvoe this nivel so far. im interestinng to see how things will progress!!!
Thank you so much! I’m so glad! It will progress slowly but it will be a lot of fun!
I really enjoyed reading the new chapters and seeing the characters try to be better, struggle, fall a little, and get back on the track. Great work as always! ❤ I hope you’ll have a wonderful week and take care!
MeiMei’s giving him a good talking to! He has to let people support him. Fei Li is the same, he needs to learn to let people in. Unfortunately, FL was never given the chance to voice his struggles and emotions, or to rely on others. They really are total messes, but they’ll find their way and they figure out how to be there for one another. FL is sadly very distant but he’ll end up with support whether he likes it or not one day! Yeah, poor thing. They’ll all be okay in the end!
Thank you so much! I hope you have a lovely week as well 💕 Thank you for your comments Aerlind!
This chapters in particular is sad. Can’t stop the tears though 😭… Thank you for the bulk uploads. Miss them both dearly ❤️
You’re owed compensation tissues and chocolates from this cruel author.
The next one is more on the wholesome side! I’ll be uploading it now actually!
You’re very welcome! Thank you so much for reading and supporting! 💕 I’m very happy to be writing their tale some more.