– I have a matter to discuss with you, Seodan.
“…Yes. Please go ahead.”
Silence followed. On the other end of the line, he chuckled softly.
– Could you come up for a moment? It’s hard to talk over the phone.
“…Should I go to the 4th floor?”
– No, come to the 7th-floor rooftop. Do you know where it is?
There seemed to be a hint of wind behind his voice. Rising from my seat, I replied shortly, “Yes.” Without a farewell, the call ended. I placed the receiver back in its place.
***
As I walked, light illuminated the corridor. The elevator lobby was deserted. The white hallway of the empty building felt unreal. Perhaps that’s why I couldn’t conjure any thoughts; it still felt like I was dreaming. Arriving calmly on the 7th floor, I found the door to the rooftop without any wandering.
The door I thought was stuck, opened heavily as I pushed it with force. The cityscape, lit up in scattered lights, greeted my eyes as if it had poured out randomly. At the end of the rooftop railing stood a looming dark silhouette.
As I approached, beyond the railing, the distinct outline of a composed side profile became visible. The hazy light of the moon behind clouds sharpened on half of his face. Without turning to me, the man who had taken out the cigarette from his mouth asked:
“Do you smoke, Lee Seodan?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Then come over here.”
He loosely gestured with his finger, checking the direction of the wind, and shifted to his right. Gray smoke dispersed faintly in the direction where I stood absent. Keeping a distance of about one person’s width, I grabbed the railing next to him.
The moist wind persisted through the gaps of my shirt collar. It was the newly thawed weather of the new year. I peered down below the building. The frozen snow melted, and the sidewalk was submerged in murky water. Every passing vehicle sprayed a misty haze. The traffic light blinked, turning green.
“I thought about meeting you today.”
The man standing beside me slowly began speaking. He slid the cigarette back between his lips and flicked off the ash neatly with his fingers.
“I think there might be an area where I can help.”
I listened without responding. Those neatly dropped words resurrected things I thought I’d put to rest, stirring beneath the surface like slow ripples. It felt spasmodic, as if grasping for oxygen. He directed his gaze toward me, the cigarette nestled between his lips.
“Do you want to join the TF?”
The man who had remarked that my desire was impatience, not urgency, asked in an incredibly casual tone.
“If you want, I can make that happen.”
As easy as the flick of a finger.
“Fill in with an experienced person, leaving just one spot for you, Lee Seodan. Just that one person’s worth. Even that might be overwhelming.”
“Why…”
As if voiceless for days, my voice stumbled out. My stiff tongue felt awkward and sluggish.
“Why… me…”
The round ember at the end of his cigarette flared red. Slowly exhaling a bitter smoke, he hesitated for a moment. The corners of his mouth tilted, almost as if his profile was smiling.
“Well, I don’t know why I’m going this far.”
“…”
“Clearly, to teach Lee Seodan things they don’t know, to take on what they can’t do, and fuss over it for three months straight. Isn’t that so?”
An annoyance already laced within the calm tone made my breath hitch. The dizzying prospect loomed before me. Was it really this simple? Just reaching out and grasping it? Unbeknownst to me, a cowardly greed surged within me, driving me urgently, no matter if it was called urgency or impatience.
“If you instruct me to do so, I’d like to do it.”
“You’re overflowing with enthusiasm for it.”
He drew deeply from the shortened cigarette and stubbed it out without hesitation. White ashes scattered on the railing. The crumpled butt fell to the floor and was crushed under a well-polished shoe.
“Fine. I’ll give the order, so what you have to do, Lee Seodan, won’t be difficult. It’s a three-month project, so until mid-April, once a week…”
He extended his fingers, counting.
“A total of thirteen times. Just thirteen times with me.”
His tone was casual. His clearly pronounced words traveled a long way before settling in my ears.
It felt unreal. For a moment, I lifted my head, blinked, half-expecting to see the uncomfortable desk and the familiar monitor against my cheek.
Something like a gust passed by. The solid stone floor of the rooftop turned black beneath my feet. The man observing my expression faintly smiled, as if finding it amusing.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
“Why did you think I’d help without any compensation? Did you think I had some favor toward Lee Seodan?”
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“Ktf boofg lr njilv ecali atlr Mglvjs.”
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“Pa’r bcis atgff wbcatr. Pa’r cba kfjglcu sbe vbkc bg xliilcu sbe. Po sbe fcvegf atja wemt, P mjc ragjlutafc bea Off Vfbvjc’r mjgffg obg sbe.”
“…”
The dry voice held no hint of a smile. It was a brutal honesty that finally revealed his true nature. He let me go easily, as if crushing something fragile and then sweeping away the debris, allowing me to escape.
“If you want more details, contact me. I’ll leave my personal number in an email. I’ll wait only until Friday night.”
Without waiting to hear more, I left my spot. I gritted my teeth and forcefully opened the heavy door, rushing down the stairs.
The heavy sound of the door closing behind me echoed. Gasping for breath, I ran until I found myself standing alone in the empty hallway of the company. Leaning against the bright wall, I collapsed. Curling up my body, I suppressed my breath, a desperate attempt not to be heard, like a child, stifling a mix of tears and gasps for air.
It was futile. The cold gust of a winter night, the deep blue darkness, had already caught up from behind.
***
When I opened my eyes, it was night, sometimes even day. The pitch-black curtains left no room for certainty between the two.
Upon awakening, if my throat felt dry as if it would catch fire, I drank the water placed nearby. If the glass was empty, I fetched water from the kitchen or fumbled through the darkness to visit the bathroom.
If sleep eluded me, I relied on sleeping pills. Blinking consciousness wandered across the border of sleep, lost in a haze. The confined space of the narrow bedroom, sealed shut, lacked proper ventilation. A damp, musty odor lingered, like the residue of prolonged slumber.
For the first day or so, the phone occasionally lit up with incoming calls, casting a faint blue glow. Eventually, since I hadn’t submitted my resignation letter, it was an unauthorized absence without any certainty. As I peered into the screen, my mind feeling as if it were soaked cotton, I saw texts and missed calls accumulating. From my boss to Manager Kim, they all piled up on the screen, blindingly bright. With cold sweat on my fingertips, I held down the power button for a long time. The phone obediently shut down. Since then, there was nothing to disturb or rescue me.
A long dream thinly extended its threads. Occasionally, raindrops tapped against the window, then eased off. Clouds drifted hazily, dispersing.
Suddenly, I awoke. Without blinking, I stared up at the ceiling.
Slowly, I raised my upper body. My legs, lacking strength, slipped off the bed to the side. Bare feet, weakened like a newborn creature, met the lukewarm floor.
I emptied the remaining water on the small table, picked up my phone, and connected it to the charger. As soon as I powered it on, I deleted all the late messages that poured in. It was January 6th, Friday, just past 9 PM.
Without hesitation, I made a call. He picked up after three signal tones.
– Han Juwon speaking.
It was a succinct, unmatched greeting. I took a breath in and let it out.
“I’ll do it.”
A long silence passed. Then, a man from somewhere outside my room asked in a low voice,
– Is this genuinely what you want to do?
“Yes.”
– Do you have no regrets about this?
“…Yes.”
Silence crossed through the phone. The warmth of the handset seeped through my body, making it pleasantly warm. He stayed silent for so long that I thought the call had ended. I hugged my knees and closed my eyes. The vivid moment melted away hazily, as if in a dream.
– Lee Seodan.
He called. His laughter completely faded, leaving behind a firm voice.
“Yes.”
– Have you been with a man before?
“Yes.”
I answered without hesitation. There was a short exhale of breath.
– I’ll warn you beforehand, my taste in sex isn’t exactly gentle. It won’t be severely painful, but you should be prepared for some discomfort and difficulty. Is that alright with you?
“It’s fine.”
I wondered why it felt like such an obvious conversation. Where could one find sex that wasn’t at least a bit uncomfortable? After my sluggish response, another brief silence followed.
– Well… the more I try to hold back, the less I can seem to do so.
There was a faint playful tone mixed in. In the softest voice I’d ever heard, he continued, “Alright, then. Let’s do that.”
– The official start of the project is on the 16th. Until then, work with your original team for the handover.
“Yes.”
– And on the Saturday before that… the 14th. Let’s meet at the hotel.
It was a clean-cut voice that didn’t seem suggestive. I closed my mouth, nodded once, and then realized he couldn’t see me.
“What should I bring?”
– …Are you planning a picnic or something?
“Not exactly, but…”
– Prepare yourself well. It won’t be as easy as you might think, Mr. Lee.
It was a composed voice, but the lingering undertone echoed like rough sandpaper. I held my breath, eyelids shut tight. There was a moist breath caught in my constricted throat.
– And…
Before hanging up, he added, as if reminding himself of something.
– Just because I’ve managed to fit you in through unconventional means doesn’t mean you can slack off. Make sure you fulfill your responsibilities as a member of the project team. I won’t repeat this.
“Yes.”
– See you on the 14th.
Click. The call ended. I exhaled deeply, the greeting I reflexively intended to offer stuck on the tip of my tongue. It probably wouldn’t have fit the situation, something like “Goodnight” or “Goodbye,” so it was probably for the best.
Setting the phone aside, I stretched out flat on the bed. I pressed the pillow over my face and lay like that for a while. Motionless, I let the tremble that started from my fingertips envelop my entire body like the undulating waves until it gradually faded away.
***
Upon entering the hotel room, what stood prominently in front was the panoramic view from the 16th floor. Through the rectangular window that filled the entire wall, the lights of the city center sprawled endlessly. Far in the dark distance flowed a blackened stream, over which the lights of skyscrapers hung upside-down like chandeliers. It was a scene reminiscent of a souvenir postcard.
On the table by the window sat a wine bottle and two voluptuous wine glasses. He pulled the empty glass towards him and casually tilted the wine bottle. His movements were precise and neat, without any unnecessary gestures.
“Please, have a seat.”
Only then did he turn to me, halted at the threshold, as if questioning why I was still standing there. His tone and expression were almost identical to what I had seen at the office. As if there was nothing particularly odd about the situation, I passed by a large white bed, captivated by its allure, and settled onto the couch facing him by the window.
He, arranging the documents on the table into his bag, was dressed in a large navy bathrobe. Strands of damp hair clung to his forehead, disheveled without care. I averted my gaze, feeling an unsettling invasion of personal space.
Clunk, he pushed the wine glass he had filled towards me.
“I don’t need it.”
My lips were parched. If it were water instead of alcohol, I might have accepted it. The swirling red filled the pottery from edge to brim.
He didn’t insist a second time. Clearing away the wine bottle that obstructed my view, he simply said, “Put down your bag. Take off your coat. Aren’t you feeling warm?”
Without much thought, I nodded. It was better to have my bag and coat nearby. Despite my ears feeling as if they were burning, my fingertips under the table were chillingly cold. He, in his bathrobe, and me, clad in a suit beneath my coat, observed each other with thinly veiled eyes in the heated room. Then he said briefly,
“Well, as you wish.”
After that, silence enveloped us. He was in his bathrobe, and me in a suit under my coat. It felt odd to sit across the table as if there were other pressing matters, leaving the bed behind.
However, I didn’t have the courage to stride straight to the bed, so I silently stifled my words. The tautly drawn air became uncomfortably suffocating, prompting me to reach out and grab the wine glass. The thin glass pressing against my lips felt cool and sharp. The first taste of the liquid as I took a sip was so bitter it made my tongue sting. As it passed my throat, a faint sweetness emerged, and warmth spread through my belly.
Then, out of the blue, as he lazily twirled the slender neck of the glass with his fingertips, he spoke without warning.
“Do you know how you look right now?”
“…”
“Like someone on a rollercoaster.”
Thunk, he set the glass down.
“Just about to depart, but it’s too late to get off. So, you squeeze your eyes shut, hold onto the handle until it’s lifeless. Keep repeating to yourself that it’ll be over if you wait.”
His gaze lingered momentarily on the hand still clutching the bag strap. I forcibly detached my numb fingers, placing them on my knees.
“When you board the plane, isn’t there a point of no return?”
An indifferent tone.
“Seems like that’s here for me. Lee Seodan hasn’t even taken off his coat. I haven’t laid a finger on Lee Seodan yet either. Just talk. If you want, I can make it as if it never happened.”
It was skillful rhetoric. Passing the choice to me while subtly tying my hands. Like the clauses in a contract, offering me no resistance or complaint, opening a way out by turning me into an unwitting accomplice. My name was to be written in the blank space below. Signature, seal, fingerprint. A position of no choice or complaint in the future.
I exhaled the breath I’d been holding. The black darkness clung steadfastly to the glass outside the window. I glanced sideways. He remained unchanged, as if he had expected this.
“Bag, coat. Take them off.”
This time, it wasn’t a suggestion.
At the crisp edge of the words, I sensed I had crossed an invisible line.
Silently, I unslung the bag to the floor and undid the buttons of my coat. Cold fingers fumbled repeatedly. With every button that popped open, a chill crept in through the gaps. Pressed white shirt, tie. Despite seeing me in the same attire as when I arrived for work, he remained silent. I draped the coat over the chair and lowered my hands onto my knees. The man who had been gazing out the window finally glanced briefly in my direction.
“Did you take a shower?”
“Yes.”
“Then take off the rest and get on the bed.”
I stood up. For the first time, I faced the large bed that had been blocking my view entirely, and there, in front of it, I unraveled the tight knot of the tie with my fingernails. I undid the buttons of the shirt beneath it. The man behind me lit a cigarette and Click, the sound of a lighter. As I unfastened the buckle of my pants and pulled them down to my ankles, he added, as if remembering something.
“Fold and set aside the clothes you’ve taken off. The mess beside the bed is intolerable.”
I picked up the shirt that had fallen to the floor and folded it again. I shook out the pants hanging around my ankles and set them aside. The cigarette smoke billowing from behind was faintly acrid. Suppressing a cough, I lowered my underwear. Placing them on top of the pile of clothes, I moved them aside.
Then there was nothing left. There was no more to cover my body, and there was no other place to divert my attention. I stepped onto the bed with hesitant strides. The sensation of the smooth white sheet against my bare legs was palpable.
From the corner of my eye, I saw him rise. Instead of coming closer to the bed, he pulled the chair I had been sitting on backward and positioned it to face the bed directly. He settled into it, crossing his legs, and gestured toward the ashtray with the cigarette.
“Try it yourself.”
The pronunciation was unclear and muffled. I couldn’t understand, so I just stared at him blankly. He furrowed his brow slightly and removed the thin cigarette from his lips.
“Spread your legs there, look at me, and touch yourself.”
The calmness in his voice lacked any sense of reality. Even after contemplating the meaning of his words several times, I remained frozen. My trembling fingers pressed into the bedsheet.
“Don’t you understand what I’m saying?”
“I… I don’t know how to…”
“You don’t know. How do you do it when you’re alone? Do you touch yourself from behind?”
Like suddenly pouring scalding water, my face heated up belatedly. Yet, the person who uttered those words remained unaffected. With a slowly eroding patience, he simply reiterated the instructions with a cool expression.
“Try inserting a finger behind you. Spread it so I can see.”
“Team leader…”
I briefly wondered, is this a regular occurrence? Do others engage in such activities behind closed hotel doors? Being inexperienced, I lacked any point of reference. The silent atmosphere felt suffocating. He hadn’t made a move or encouraged me, yet my heart raced increasingly faster.
Finally, unable to withstand the pressure, I reluctantly extended my legs and sat down. I slightly parted my toes in the direction facing him.
“More.”
He dismissed, sounding exasperated.
“Spread it out until I say it’s enough.”
I couldn’t lift my gaze. I remained with my head lowered, widening my rigid legs slightly apart. He stayed silent until my inner thighs tensed up. My toes pressed into the sheet, slipping and sliding repeatedly.
At his continued blank stare, I slipped a trembling hand between his wide-open legs. I covered my flaccid penis and rubbed it a few times with my fingertips. Instead of being aroused, I was creeped out. The sensation was unfamiliar and terrifying.
“Gosh.”
As he watched, he spoke up in disbelief.
“I didn’t want you to get on me and jump around, but what am I supposed to do if you can’t even masturbate?”
“…I just, I don’t do this….”
I felt a chill that surpassed the winter cold outside, finding myself in the hotel, shirtless, my body rigid as if frozen. This was an unprecedented experience, from the first time I contacted him, to the day we met on the rooftop, to the thoughts that had occupied my mind.
“Why don’t we just do it right away?”
His voice wavered. He stared at me, as if to ask.
“What do you want me to do right away?”
“…”
“Tell me, and I’ll do it.”
I moved sluggishly, feeling as if there was a frozen weight in my mind. As I stopped talking, his face lost its expression gradually. I uncrossed my legs while he rose slowly. The distance between our gazes grew, and I suddenly felt a strong sense of unease. Automatically, my thighs tightened together.
Before I could close my legs, he swiftly moved towards the bed and firmly clasped both my ankles with his powerful, sizable hands.
T/N: The announcement has yet to be made on the discord so you might not get the notification yet for the new chapters. It will go up in a few days so make sure to have the role to get notifications! I had some chapters already on the back burner so I thought to update it so that I, at least, have the chapters of the first arc done (Several more left, lol)
Hope you enjoy! The story is a bit on the angsty side but interesting nonetheless.
I’m not sure how to feel about the main character and the male lead yet. There seems to be something off about the way they both deal with things.
Thank you for the chapter!
their miscommunication will get worse since the bottom is timid (he gets impressively strong-willed and brave as the novel progresses) and the top is very stubborn (you will see more of that as well at the end of the novel) so their personalities aren’t compatible but surely, they learn how to adjust as they go! (sorry for the vague spoiler haha)anyway, thank you for reading!
Oh I don’t mind spoilers, in fact I love them! I’m surely in the minority but I like reading the ending of a book before even starting it. I don’t mind reading novels where I don’t like the characters so if this one ends up being like this I’ll just complain about their actions in the comments and keep reading.
Thank you for translating this and allowing us to read it.
Gosh reading the novel is more embarrassing and humiliating than reading the manhwa, cuz at least in the manhwa I can only glance at the illustration making it easier to distance myself from the characters but reading novels are different it feels like I’m inside their head reading their thoughts without their permission specially with 1st person point of view novels like this.
ikr, reading the novel always gives a different perspective 🫶 thank you for reading!
Yes, it also explains a lot more nuances that are hard to translate in the illustrations. Thank you so much for translating 🤍🤍🤍