She spoke with a sob, but her words were like a thunderbolt, cleaving through his chaotic life, leaving him bloodied and bruised.
Lou Guan Xue stood still, his young face showing for the first time the helplessness and confusion that belong to his age.
His arm still injured, blood from the wolf splattered on his eyelashes, he felt uncomfortable, but his limbs were stiff and he didn’t know what to do. His throat dry, he opened his mouth but no words came out.
Xia Qing’s eyes stung with tears.
He didn’t have much interaction with the five-year-old Lou Guan Xue, but he had seen firsthand every stumbling step he took was in order to “survive.” He bounced around, pretended to be obedient and pitiful, endured all insults and mockery, beatings and abuse, and bore a body covered in scars as he grew up. This wolf-like child never felt hatred or sadness, nor did he feel lonely, he just wanted to live.
But now, this woman who gave him life told him with a crumbling voice.
“You shouldn’t have been alive.”
Tears welled up in Lou Guan Xue’s eyes, but he was too young to know how to stop the turmoil of pain in his heart.
All he could do was open his mouth, almost pleadingly: “Please don’t say anymore…”
Yao Ke couldn’t hear his voice, she seemed to be in a daze, blood oozing from the gaps in her covered face.
“I’m sorry, Ah Xue, I shouldn’t have given birth to you.”
Her voice was hoarse, crying with a broken heart.
“I’m sorry, Ah Xue, I shouldn’t have set up a blood formation on you, trying to awaken the god in you.”
Lou Guan Xue shivered all over, taking a step back: “Please stop.”
“I’m sorry, Ah Xue.” Yao Ke cried in despair, self-blame crushing her entire being: “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t grow up, don’t go on living, Ah Xue.”
She trembled as she let go of his hand, slowly lifting her head.
Her silver-blue eyes were bloodshot, dull and lifeless, Yao Ke was completely blind now.
She couldn’t see, groping forward, sitting on the ground, her disheveled hair falling like wilted flowers.
“Don’t grow up.” She murmured softly, tears of blood in the corners of her eyes.
“…It’s all my fault, I shouldn’t have just seen you as a vessel from the beginning,”
“You’re five now, soon, the god will awaken in you.”
“Don’t grow up anymore, don’t go on living.”
She couldn’t see, she could only crawl forward, her eyes dull, her expression numb from pain, crying and laughing hysterically: “When the god awaken, you’ll have to bear all the sins of the merfolk from years ago. Don’t grow up, don’t go on living.”
“I don’t seek the return of the god now, I don’t seek the return of the merfolk, I just want you to be safe and painless, Ah Xue.”
“Ah Xue, I’m sorry…”
“Lou Guan Xue!” Xia Qing could finally move, rushing over to cover Lou Guan Xue’s ears.
But Lou Guan Xue stood still, motionless, his complexion as pale as paper, his dark pupils seeming to have seen something extremely terrifying, dilated and staring blankly.
A fire burned the wild grass in his heart to ashes.
Each word pierced his soul, shattering the pure longing he relied on for survival.
—Vessel.
—Don’t grow up anymore, don’t go on living.
—The god is awakening in you.
Lou Guan Xue swayed, the earlier battle with the wolf injuring him deeply, the pain especially evident at this moment. He opened his mouth and spat out a mouthful of blood, his eyes washed away by tears, washing away all the persistence and stubbornness he had had before, leaving only confusion.
Xia Qing’s eyes were also red, grabbing his hand, and hoarsely said, “Don’t listen to her, I’ll take you away, I’ll take you out.”
Lou Guan Xue said nothing.
“I’ll take you away.” Xia Qing took his scarred hand, covering his eyes with one hand, and leading him out: “Let’s go, let’s go.”
Yao Ke had completely lost her sight, but she could still hear footsteps. She stood up in panic, “Ah Xue!”
But her arm hit the table, the unfinished needlework scattered on the ground, she tried to move forward but stumbled and fell heavily to her knees. At that moment, the dying mermaid saint’s face showed a hint of confusion, her long hair falling, and finally, she couldn’t bear it anymore, bursting into tears with grief.
Her cries were tearful, echoing through the desolate hall.
Xia Qing dragged Lou Guan Xue’s hand and ran outside, fleeing the oppressive cold palace.
Outside, the stars were bright and the crescent moon hung high in the sky. The wind carried the sounds of various small insects.
The ground was littered with various weeds and gravel. Halfway there, Lou Guan Xue, walking like a walking corpse, suddenly let go of Xia Qing’s hand, leaned against the wall, and began to vomit dryly.
He hadn’t eaten anything today, and all he vomited was blood.
Xia Qing felt helpless, walking over, holding his hand, “Don’t believe her.”
The moonlight was clear and faint, and Lou Guan Xue seemed like a puppet without a soul. Hearing this, his thin lips trembled, and a stiff smile appeared. “How ridiculous.”
Xia Qing quietly looked at him.
Lou Guan Xue’s painful body couldn’t stand straight, his face pale as he half-squatted down, his gaze fixed on the various insects in the grass on the ground, murmuring absentmindedly, “How ridiculous, I’ve worked so hard to live, for what.”
He stared at his ugly hands, and whispered softly, “So I’ve been living to die.”
His words of sorrow were incomplete: “…to…to raise a vessel for the god.”
Xia Qing couldn’t bear it anymore, his eyes red, he squatted down and hugged him, saying, “That’s not true, Lou Guan Xue, it’s not like that.”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
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Ktf ybs’r atlc ybvs agfwyifv nlbifcais, tlr affat ylalcu lcab Wlj Hlcu’r rtbeivfg, jr lo agslcu ab reqqgfrr atf mtbxfv rbyr.
Wlj Hlcu ofia tlr mibatfr vjwqfcfv ys tba afjgr yea lucbgfv atf qjlc, tlr nblmf agfwyilcu jr tf rjlv, “P’nf rffc sbe ugbkc eq. Tbe gfjiis ilnfv ab ugbk eq jcv yfmjwf rbwfbcf nfgs qbkfgoei jcv lcalwlvjalcu, jcv cb bcf vjgfv ab qgbnbxf sbe.”
Lou Guan Xue smiled, his teeth trembling, “Are you sure you saw me grown up, not the god?”
Xia Qing: “It’s you. I’m sure.”
His voice was too calm, without any additional tone, as if simply stating a fact.
Xia Qing: “After you grew up, you became the Emperor of Chu, revered by all as Ling Guang Pearl and Jade. Although you still have a bad temper and a bunch of bad habits, I’ve never hated you when I was with you. Although you were like a lunatic at first, and mostly the same later, I…I’ve never hated you.” It’s strange, even he couldn’t explain this strange feeling.
“You’re living well. So don’t believe the words of your crazy mother, the purpose of your birth isn’t some ghostly vessel.”
“The purpose of your life isn’t to die when the god awaken.”
“You were born to be yourself, every action you take, every word you say in this life, is for yourself.”
Lou Guan Xue’s tears fell heavily on Xia Qing’s skin.
In the grass, insects chirped softly.
Xia Qing pursed his lips, choosing not to speak further, giving him a quiet space.
Before, he had been wondering why someone like Lou Guan Xue, who had been tempered by adversity, nurtured defiance in darkness, and lived so soberly and seriously, would give birth to a demon in his heart? Now, Xia Qing knew that what could make him collapse was that even “living” had become a kind of original sin..
Fireflies fluttered in the wild grass, in the silent night, there were many movements under the soil.
“Let’s get out of here first.” Xia Qing couldn’t stand this atmosphere, pulling his arm, ready to walk out of the cold palace.
Lou Guan Xue said, “We can’t leave.”
Xia Qing remained silent, looking at him.
Lou Guan Xue’s face was pale and fragile, his black eyes unusually calm and serious, whispering softly, “You said this is my inner demon, so you are also fake, everything is my imagination.”
“I haven’t grown older, nor have I survived.”
“Humans see me as a merman, as an anomaly, while the merfolk see me as human and view me as an enemy.”
He squatted in the grass, a look of confusion on his young face. After his beliefs collapsed and his bones shattered, he asked himself, “Then what am I?” He thought of Yao Ke’s words, shivered in the wind, and said each word with difficulty, “Am I…a monster?”
A monster that shouldn’t be alive.
Born only to die, life was just a sacrifice, without even the qualification to grow up.
His voice was so light it was almost inaudible, “I am a monster.”
“No, you’re not.” Xia Qing was also deeply saddened, squatting in front of him, pausing before continuing, “Lou Guan Xue, come with me.”
Xia Qing led him to the wall.
The two children sat side by side.
“The first time I wanted to ask you, when I sit on the wall, I see emptiness, but what do you see?”
The wind lifted Lou Guan Xue’s dark blue hairband, he remained silent.
Xia Qing took a deep breath and said, “I guess you should see the Imperial Garden, the palace, the city walls, and the sky and earth in the distance.”
The wall was covered with light green moss and tiny white flowers.
Xia Qing continued slowly, “When I was young, before the orphanage was renovated, my favorite thing to do was to sit on the half-collapsed old wall at the front gate and stare blankly.”
“Inside the wall, a group of children kept arguing about the swing and seesaw, while outside, the excavator at the construction site kept rumbling. At first, the director thought I was aloof, but he soon realized that I wasn’t antisocial, I just wanted to sit there.”
“Orphans have no parents, meaning they have nowhere to come from. When I was young, I didn’t look forward to growing up at all, and I didn’t have anywhere to go either. You’re much stronger than I was at five.”
“But without a place to come from and nowhere to go, I never thought about who I was supposed to be. According to the saying of later generations, life is just a cycle. Billions of years ago, the Big Bang created elemental particles, forming the heavens, the earth, all living beings, including you and me. And then it returns to dust, returning to the universe.”
Xia Qing turned his head, looking at Lou Guan Xue with serious hazel eyes, and said softly.
“Lou Guan Xue, there’s no need to assign any meaning to living, living is just living. All your years of effort, are not wrong.”
If fate treated him unfairly, it seemed that all those years of struggling and growing up like walking on thin ice were just a joke.
If the “meaning of living on” that he had held onto collapsed, seeming pitiful and tragic, became the final blow to shatter his pride. Then Xia Qing wanted to tell him, it actually didn’t need to be assigned any meaning, everything he had done for it wasn’t laughable at all.
Lou Guan Xue lowered his head, his eyelashes trembling violently, his teeth biting his lip until it turned white.
Xia Qing sighed and said, “You’re not a monster.”
He leaned over, reaching out with his short, tender hand to wipe away the tears from the corners of his eyes, his voice as gentle and slow as the wind, “How could you be a monster, she gave birth to you, but that doesn’t mean she has the right to judge your life.”
Lou Guan Xue raised his head, his eyes still red at the corners, his black hair flying in the air with the dark blue hairband, the mole on his eyelid gleaming with a bloody light.
A long time later, Lou Guan Xue smiled somewhat emotionally and said, “It’s that look again.”
Xia Qing was puzzled, “Huh?”
“The way you look at people.” Lou Guan Xue seemed to have calmed down, his complexion pale and fragile, like a glass doll.
Xia Qing stared at him, his head adorned with a tuft of hair, pulling down the corners of his lips in frustration.
He is comforting Lou Guan Xue, and Lou Guan Xue is responding with such nonsense!
At this moment, fireflies from the grassy corner flew onto the wall, dotting the night sky with countless tiny stars, their dim yellow light gently illuminating the night.
“I’ve guessed that there’s something peculiar about my body.”
Lou Guan Xue spoke again, his tone cold and indifferent, reaching out to grab a firefly. “Because I won’t die. Falling down stairs won’t kill me, being held underwater won’t kill me, starving for days won’t kill me. Every time I’m near death, it’s always just a breath away, my luck is as tough as a rock.”
“At first, I thought it was a bit of favor from heaven.”
Turns out, it is fate’s icy fangs that has yet to speak.
He let go of the firefly again, watching as it flew higher and higher into the sky, quietly gazing for a while before reaching behind to untie his hairband. “This is something she gave me, said it was for protection, so I’ve been wearing it all this time, even when sleeping.”
After speaking, he chuckled sarcastically, “It’s probably just a way to suppress a blood array.”
As the dark blue hairband fell, the boy’s black hair scattered.
It accentuated his snow-white complexion, and the mole on his eyelid had a strangely red hue.
Lou Guan Xue continued, “Today is March fifth.”
Xia Qing was stunned. “March fifth…”
It was March fifth again.
Jingzhe.
No wonder, no wonder fireflies filled the sky, no wonder there were so many sounds beneath the soil.
Lou Guan Xue tilted his head, for the first time, a normal emotion appeared on his exquisite and cold face.
“In fact, it’s also my birthday, although she always claimed it was on February sixteenth.”
Xia Qing couldn’t find the words to respond, stuttering, “Your birthday…”
Lou Guan Xue loosened the hairband, letting it fall from the wall. The cold wind of the Jingzhe dried the tears on his face, reigniting the spark of determination in his eyes.
“I know how to rid myself of this inner demon,” Lou Guan Xue said.
Xia Qing was confused.
The boy smiled, lips pulling into a smirk as he looked at Xia Qing. “You’re right, my inner demon can only be myself. Thank you, I’ll see you out.”
This was the first time he had said thank you, but Xia Qing suddenly became alert. “What are you going to do?”
Ignoring him, the boy took out a small knife from his sleeve and jumped down from the wall without hesitation.
His black hair and black clothes fluttered in the wind, fireflies swirling around him like a halo. He seemed to dive into a sea of light as he landed on the barren land, crushing everything in his path, without looking back.
“Lou Guan Xue!” Xia Qing shouted out loud.
But all he saw were ripples spreading like mist inside the barrier.
The fireflies scattered across the sky became strange and eerie illusions, casting a blood-red hue over the entire desolate and silent cold palace.
As if it were a prelude to collapse and combustion.
“Lou Guan Xue!”
Xia Qing also jumped down, but as soon as he landed, his shoulder was grabbed.
The hand was cold, and the chill seeped into his bones through his clothes.
A familiar and cold voice came from above, saying, “Let him go.”
Xia Qing stiffened and turned around.
Standing next to him was the grown-up Lou Guan Xue, the master of the barrier, his black hair cascading like a waterfall, his snow-white robes immaculate. His eyes were indifferent and calm, as deep as the ocean, gazing ahead without a trace of emotion.
Here, he seemed to be the most genuine. There was no lazy mystery of the Zhai Xing Tower, nor the pretense of magnificence in the bedroom.
Quiet, lonely, the sword that pierced his bones when he was a child melted into his blood as he grew up.
He stood silently in a corner where the fireflies were stirring, watching his five-year-old self holding a knife, stepping across the barren land to break the final worldly obstacle.
It took Xia Qing a while to find his voice again, and he said with difficulty, “What is he going to do?”
Lou Guan Xue said lightly, “Do what I didn’t dare to do at five, but have been thinking about all along.”
What he didn’t dare to do at five but had been thinking about all along.
As the flames ignited.
Yao Ke finally stumbled out. Her eyes were lifeless as she ran out of the palace, like a pitiful mother who had lost her child, calling out “Lou Guan Xue” urgently, her eyes dry, unable to shed tears anymore.
Walking alone in the darkness, her hands groped around in panic.
Xia Qing saw the five-year-old Lou Guan Xue rush over and then grasp Yao Ke’s hand.
“Lou Guan Xue?” Yao Ke froze, joy not yet appearing on her face.
The boy’s cold voice had already sounded, “Here’s the knife, kill me.”
Yao Ke froze, her whole body pale, trembling slightly as she said lightly, “What did you say?”
With red eyes, Lou Guan Xue forcefully grabbed her hand as her strength exhausted, then placed the knife in her hand.
Yao Ke had killed many people in her life and held many weapons, but it was the first time she had trembled from the coldness of the knife handle. She was so sad and fragile, but because she was blind and couldn’t do anything, a deep sense of helplessness appeared on her face. Her lips trembled, “Lou Guan Xue, I…”
Tears streamed down the eyes of the five-year-old boy in large drops.
Lou Guan Xue hoarsely roared, “You said it, told me not to grow up anymore, not to live on.”
“You said, when the god descend, all punishment will be imposed on me. You want me to be painless and worry-free, but I don’t want to endure that torment either.”
“Kill me! Yao Ke! Kill me!”
Yao Ke’s face turned pale inch by inch, thinking that her heart, already numb from pain, could not be torn again, yet blood blurred her vision once more. She opened her mouth but couldn’t say a word.
Lou Guan Xue’s hot tears flowed, and he shouted at her, “Why! Why should I bear the sins of your mermaid race! I am a human! Yao Ke! You’ve been pretending to be ignorant and blind for five years! Can you see clearly now! I am a human! I don’t want to become a vessel for the god, I don’t want to suffer!”
He was like a dying young beast, handing the knife to Yao Ke.
“You regret it, don’t you? Saying you only wanted me to be safe?”
“Then kill me! Kill me, Yao Ke!”
Tears fell onto Yao Ke’s hand, scalding her so much she could barely hold the knife.
Lou Guan Xue almost begged, “Please, kill me.”
Regenerate the shattered bones, return flesh to the mother, and I won’t owe you anything in the future.
Yao Ke held the knife, her face pale, devoid of color.
She stood there like a statue for a long time.
Then she forcibly pushed away her own feelings, as if soulless, nodded.
She bent down, like a mother tolerating a child’s unreasonable tantrum, her silver-blue eyes empty, calmly saying, “……Okay.”
Blood-red light radiated from the cold palace, and the fire gradually ignited.
Xia Qing watched Yao Ke take the knife and kill the five-year-old Lou Guan Xue.
At the moment of the boy’s death.
The barrier was finally broken.
The knife rolled to the ground.
Yao Ke couldn’t see, nor did she look at the boy’s body. She stood there for a long time, as if completely detached from emotions, leaving only a body that felt no discomfort or pain. Her expression was pale and numb, then she shook her head in place, leaning against the wall and murmuring to herself, “……Today is Jingzhe, Ah Xue’s birthday, I have to make a bowl of longevity noodles. I also need to go back to embroider. Yes, I haven’t finished my embroidery yet. It’s summer, and it’s time to change Ah Xue’s clothes.”
She muttered to herself, her pace slow, groping her way back to the palace.
The fire blazed at this moment, “boom,” and the collapsed walls turned to powder in an instant.
Xia Qing watched Yao Ke fumble her way back to the table in the blaze, bending down to search for needles and thread on the ground, but eventually finding a book, the Book of Songs, which she had held and read to Lou Guan Xue.
She had no more tears to shed, maintaining a stiff posture in place.
Her heart’s blood had long dried up, and in the last moments of her life, she knelt down with a sob, holding the book close to her chest.
Her long hair fell down, covering her trembling body.
She died too.
Died within the barrier, the black hair melted away, the flesh dissolved, leaving only a pile of snowy white bones.
From it grew a layer upon layer of ice-blue flower.
—After the death of the merfolk, their bodies decay into water, and from the bones grows a Lingwei flower.
The fragrance of the flower was cold and desolate, its tendrils spreading, carrying the moist memories of the sea.
The wind blew the white bones into ashes, also scattering the Lingwei flower. The ice-blue petals danced in the air with a faint blue light, just like in the legend, shining on the night of the Jingzhe over the sea, bidding farewell to the departing souls.
But they can never return again.
Gathering wild pea, gathering wild pea, the wild pea ceases to grow.
Said to return, said to return, but the years never cease.
……Endless parting, unreturnable homeland.
Xia Qing’s eyes were sore, and with a heavy heart, he closed them.
Lou Guan Xue stood beside him with an indifferent expression, waiting for everything to end, and took a step forward.
Xia Qing opened his eyes in surprise, only to see Lou Guan Xue walk to the still unshattered body of his five-year-old self.
The young emperor reached out his hand, revealing his wrist from the stack of sleeves like snow, with a cyan ribbon tied around it.
He untied the ribbon from his wrist and then lifted the cold body of the boy. With his pampered and slender hands, he tidied up the boy’s messy hair.
Lowering his eyelashes, with a calm expression, his voice as gentle as moonlight, he softly said,
“She didn’t lie to you, this is indeed for safety.”
Lou Guan Xue paused for a moment, and continued softly,
“You have survived.”
“You have become me.”
The body of the boy eventually disappeared with the barrier.
Xia Qing unconsciously reverted to his original form, standing not far away, staring blankly at the crouching Lou Guan Xue.
Before everything twisted into ashes and restarted.
Lou Guan Xue lifted his head, glanced at him, faintly resembling their first meeting at the Zhai Xing Tower.
Xia Qing pondered for a long time, and in the last second before the barrier dissipated, he spoke softly to him,
“Happy birthday, Lou Guan Xue.”
And I cried so hard and that’s alright but it the end… it’s a happy birthday boy.
Only I few chapters and I already want to hug him so so badly.
Thank you for the chapter!
So heartbreaking 😭😭
I’m satisfied with this book
Thank you for your translation 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛