001
I am—Mo, Shuyao! Number 1 parody mashup bro on this broken platform, source of delight for the masses.
One fine day, I woke up from my diamond-encrusted 1.8 metre long bed, only to find that my fans, once again, and a g a i n, and a g a i n, for the umpteenth time, were harrowing me to make yet another parody mashup.
002
My millions of sand-sculpture fans had flooded me with recs of a certain god-tier drama to use as material:
> Tear-jerker of the year, a daily must-watch, a timeless classic!
> A masterpiece wherein you’d cry if you don’t watch it, and you’d cry after watching it~
> It’s the work that shot Film Emperor Jiang to fame, G.O.A.T sand-sculpure style, begging Old Mo to fuck him up!
Etc, etc.
003
I coldly looked through the messages my fans left.
As a dreg of society, useless homebody, fat otaku who has nothing better to do than to make parody mashups, in recent years, I can’t help but heave a great sigh at how eager my fans are to drag someone in the mud.
So I searched online and opened up Baidu Encyclopedia…
And it turned out to be a masterpiece from three years back with a rotten tomatoes score of 38%. Lead actor? Jiang Ran.
i.e. present-day Film Emperor Jiang.
004
I downloaded the first 10 episodes.
Even if I’m a professionally trained granny of parody mashups, no matter how godawful it is to watch, I must watch ten episodes before I start production, unless…
No buts! Ofc there aren’t any unless! I’m a professional granny [confident face]
005
And thus I saw Jiang Ran, wearing a leopard-print sequined suit whilst sporting a wash-cut-blow-dried bowl cut with blonde highlights, walking straight towards me.
He swung his head over, beautiful and lustrous hair swaying in the breeze.
And then, he tossed me a wink~!
Oh~ I clicked on the top-right cross and exited the video, poker-faced.
But my brain interface can’t help but replay, double speed, super invincible double speed playback…
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
006
Ktfc, abq la boo klat j ubv-alfg ygjlckjrtlcu DXZ ab fctjcmf atf foofma, *mtfo’r xlrr.
Djys~ Tbeg wjwj xffqr rjslcu P’w abb biv-rmtbbi~ Vb P uba Qjcu Vtloe ogbw atf nliijuf ab qfgw ws tjlg~~ cbk rtf kbc’a mbwf jcv ygfjx er jqjga~~
Zs ijvs~ Vtjwj-af! Vtjwj-af! Qjrt mea yibk, kjrt mea, yibk yibk yibk~ ♪
[Parody mashup of Shinee’s Ring Ding Dong – link]
007
“……”
I only have true love for my fans, for letting me encounter such a handsome male god.
008
I struggled to get myself to reopen that video.
Tyrannical CEO Jiang Ran walked into his million-dollar… Toyota sports car.
His long and slender fingers rubbed across the logo of the steering wheel. The car slowly revved.
Mm. The standard 15-second sports car commercial. It was even shot quite well [🙂.jpg]
009
Jiang Ran accepted a call. His slender fingers wrapped around the phone and he held the steering wheel with one hand.
Wait, hold up! Screenwriter, haven’t you taken your driving test?
There are roads in the human world that you can take, must you insist on flying the car down to hell?
If you knock into someone and cause a traffic accident, you’ll be sentenced to squat in jail for five to six years!
010
Sure enough, Jiang Ran’s car almost ran over an old grandma.
In this moment of extreme crisis when everything was hanging on a single thread, our lucky female lead made her spectacular appearance, towing the old grandma to one side and turning romantic circles in the air.
Thus, not failling to live up to expectations, she was knocked flying ten metres high.
With the female lead suddenly meeting her demise, the entire drama…
011
Erm, I see. I underestimated the screenwriter.
What happened was that the female lead, holding her newly purchased white cabbage and carrots, executed several successive 360° aerial backflips to make a perfect landing.
This! This…
[tactically backing away.jpg]
012
Jiang Ran got out of the car, saying disdainfully: ‘Pah, woman! You interrupted my international conference!’
The female lead raised her Nokia, whacking him wildly: ‘You’re too much! Do you think money can solve everything! I’m going to post this on social media and report you for talking on the phone while driving and knocking into someone!’
Jiang • tyrannical CEO, listens to no one • Ran muffled her mouth with a hand, pressing her against a wall: ‘Heinous woman, I know you’re just salivating over my billions of assets! I’ll give you an amber diamond every month and 1 million QQ coins, so hurry and get the hell out of my life!’
013
?? Film Emperor Jiang, 1 million in virtual currency? Is that your rich man’s world?
I checked the progress bar. Only 4 minutes had passed.
014
A few seconds later, my laptop yeeted to the ground with a bang.
My brain echoed.
What horseassery is this blasted sand sculpture??
My eyes are already turning blind, and you guys still want me to make a parody mashup??? Fuck off!
015
Hold, hold, I’m just kidding. Earning money to feed myself is more critical.
I picked up my laptop with an aching heart and turned the machine back on.
Thankfully it didn’t blue screen me.
016
I am a professionally trained granny, no matter how godawful the drama is…
Give me a mo. My landlord just called to pester me for rent again.
Brilliant.
[shedding manly man tears.jpg]
017
This was a TV drama that combined the dreams of the country bumpkins, the grievances of the rich, business politics, car-accident-induced amnesia, and… murderous gymnastics.
After a day of hard-fought war, I looked at my table which I had dented from pounding my fists into it.
Sorry, wait for papa to get some money, I’ll definitely… fix you up.
018
I went to wash my face in the bathroom, cleansing my eyes with my beloved Cherish Your Eyes™️ eye drops.
I don’t get it. Was Film Emperor Jiang from three years ago as broke as I am now?
019
But nevertheless, I am a professionally trained granny!
No matter what sand sculptures I encounter, no fear. I will greet it with a smile. The best way to defeat sand sculptures is to turn into a sand sculpture myself!
Just do it! Fighto~!
020
When the famous ‘instant heartstopper’ romantic scene between the male and female leads began—I, Old Mo, explain amidst my blood, sweat, and tears:
Accompanied by demonic BGM, is there anything that parody mashup artists cannot do?
021
Finally, after two days, I passionately sent my 3-minute long creation of love for Film Emperor Jiang into the parody section.
Oh, right. Please allow me to insert a self-promo: Welcome, welcome. Follow my cursed account and shower me with likes, comments, and shares.
All kinds of parody videos that you can possibly wish for.
Watch a video a day to keep depression away.
After all, I risked eye cancer to make them; so, watch and appreciate.
For you never know, I really could turn blind one day.
Picked this up on a whim, it’s a pretty fun and easy read, but not meant to be taken seriously. If you’re familiar w Chinese slang and humour, highly recommend reading the original instead.
Make sure to click on the underlines for t/n~
Lmfaooo what kind of shtt plot is that 😂😂😂
Thanks for the chapter € ^ *^)/// ~~ ♡♡♡♡♡
lol..😂
I just wanna know if he really is a fat otaku. They aren’t gonna tease me and then decide to make him have a model-esque body, eh?
thanks for the chapter! <3
+1
Why is his bed so short 😂
the fans really like his videos, i’m now curious!!
😂😂
Thank you for the chapter
Reading all of those passages.. even I have a hard time imagining it.
Poor guy.
Savage fans.
Thank you for the update ❤️
I don’t know how I found this , but the start was great , gotta add this to my list (≧▽≦)
Lol. Funny. Tq
I want to know just which Tumblr shitposter made it as a screenwriter lmao
Lol. He doesn’t need to work to hard to make a parody of that show the original director practically did it for him.
Thanks. For picking this up