Fuck-Up's Guide to Falling In LoveCh18 - When You’re Starved for Affection

“Don’t be distracted. You did well. Were greenlit. Don’t lose sight of that.” Yue Fei is standing in front of him in the elevator, brushing invisible lint from his shoulders in a way that grounds him perfectly, even as his heart races and face stays heated in anger and embarrassment. 

It’s always like this, Wei Qiwan always gets the best of him.  LXDacU

And now he’s said that kind of thing, in front of the man that he wants to have accept him. 

“Yue Fei?”

Chrysanthemum Garden.

“Yes?” Still fiddling, adjusting his lapels, unclenching his fingers from the papers that he’s crumpling and rubbing soothing patterns across his knuckles and palm and wrists. 

“I just said that to piss him off- I haven’t- I don’t think it’s that many, I mean-” But it might be? Can you possibly stand me, having seen so much of me at my very worst? Wei Qing hangs his head, for the first time since rebirth wishing that he hadn’t come back. “And even- from now on, it won’t be anybody. Really. That part- I did mean it, when I said I was done.” Vq08 J

“I know.”

Well, it’s not an acceptance of his feelings, but at least Yue Fei isn’t still rolling his eyes at his supposed celibacy. That’s progress. That’s- Wei Qing closes his eyes and focuses on the feel of Yue Fei’s hands, honest but real across his shoulders and biceps, endlessly adjusting his jacket and directing them past the seventeenth floor and into the garage instead. 

Wei Qing frowns and bites his lip. A strong leader would go face them, but– he really is weak and pathetic. 

Yue Fei can sense his thoughts. He continues to fiddle and coax. 

“It’s fine. You can email them that it was successful from the car– if you go back now, they will draw incorrect assumptions based on your level of distress.” Yue Fei is, of course, correct. There is no way Wei Qing can smilingly answer questions at the moment, not when he’s still replaying the acrimonious end of an otherwise decent meeting. 

Even in this, his dick manages to make him a disappointment. 

“I can’t even give them the good news, what a fuck-up I am.”

“You were bated.” Yue Fei brings him forward, and although he doesn’t go as far as a hug, he does let Wei Qing bump his forehead against his chest.  R32lBd

“Nothing he said was wrong though, was it? Maybe it wasn’t wrong last time, and I was just too fucking high on my own hype to know it.”

Maybe he’s just a drama queen, mixed with a talentless hack. Maybe-

“Your last idea was good. This one is as well. And your past actions– Plenty of people explore when they’re young.” That is a very nice way to say ‘slept with every halfway-hot guy who looked encouragingly at you.’ Wei Qing can’t help but ask things he shouldn’t.

“Did you?” q5TdM

Yue Fei doesn’t answer him, other than to rub his head as the doors open and he steps away. He neatly opens the car door, reminding them both of his position. Wei Qing chastises himself. He’s your assistant, he knows how you feel and isn’t interested. Don’t mistake him being a good person for him being available, and don’t ask for more than he’s willing to give. 

Wei Qing fishes around for one of the flasks from his badly-behaved days and takes a drink. Lays back across the seat and wishes, not for the first time, that he had been reborn at twenty-one, instead of twenty-four. How nice, if he could have avoided these spirals completely. If he had nothing shameful standing between him and the clean-cut, clean-living Yue Fei. 

Beggars can’t be choosers, but all the same, he really wishes. 

— ucFSUN

By Yue Fei’s count, Wei Qing’s total number of partners is actually just shy of 150. 

Which, over the course of three years, wasn’t quite as bad? A new partner roughly every week was almost reasonable when you considered Wei Qing’s attractiveness and wealth and youth and all the rest of it. He could have easily doubled or even tripled that number if he was as obsessed with one-night stands as he liked to pretend. 

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But still, Yue Fei knows it is not helpful to say as much– if anything, Wei Qing will feel more shame, knowing that Yue Fei was aware enough to keep track of his excesses. No matter how much he explains, Yue Fei does not think Wei Qing will believe him. Will not understand that this is nothing new, that his earliest awareness of sex and love was wrapped up in such liberties and licentiousness. 

Vb lcrafjv,  Tef Mfl tjv qeiifv tlw jkjs ogbw tlr ygbatfg jcv rtbkc tlr mbcmfgc atf yfra kjs tf mbeiv, klatbea mgbrrlcu jcs ilcfr atja tf rtbeivc’a. Ljv gflcobgmfv ubbv tjylar jcv qjqfgfv bnfg yjv, tjv ulnfc Qfl Hlcu qfgwlrrlbc ab yf kfjx jcv kliioei klatbea tlr ogjulif rfio-fraffw mbiijqrlcu jgbecv atfw.  VghHMy

Although, if that flask is any sign, he hasn’t done a good enough job, in his giving of comfort or his searching of the car. Yue Fei pulls onto a side street and parks. His warm, commanding hand reaches towards the backseat. 

“Flask.”

Wei Qing doesn’t object or respond– he just covers his face and slides the now-closed flask along the carpeting and towards the front of the car. 

“Good. Thank you.” Yue Fei puts the flask into the inner lining of his jacket for safekeeping and resumes their drive. A drive home, a drive away from this world full of easy falls and sharp words, which always seem to find his master’s sore spots. It really isn’t fair. Wei Qing wasn’t just trying to change, he was actually doing so. Doing the work. So why did people still doubt him?  Zc7TFL

Why couldn’t his brother let go of this ineffective protection strategy? Neither brother was stupid, so why did they both do so very many foolish things? Was he really the only one that could see it? 

—

It is not appropriate to call what happens next a spiral. 

Spirals involve motion, after all, and what Wei Qing is doing– is closer to wilting. A dreadful stillness; a terrifying inertia. After that first bit of vulnerability on the way home, he keeps himself apart. He stays in his room, he avoids Yue Fei’s eyes, he does not chatter or play his games, does not embrace the sun or read those strange esoteric books of his. The only habits he sticks to are doing the dishes and his commitment to not fucking anyone (though at this point, Yue Fei is concerned that’s more about his lack of will to do anything). In his concern, he almost wants Wei Qing to call someone up.  Qyue9W

Yue Fei, at his wits end after Wei Qing stays in this puddle of gloom past his normal Wednesday morning call to the office, ends up listening at the door. Listening in on Wei Qing and Ta Yeh Yeh, as Wei Qing asks not for dirty talk or money shots or sensual orders, but for TYY to simply say nice things to him, and pretend they’re cuddling. 

Human touch, human comfort. That’s all he seems to want. And somehow, it’s something this rich playboy has to play pretend with and pay for. 

It’s… shocking, and heartbreaking, all at once.

Yue Fei, not willing to risk voyeurism beyond what is absolutely necessary, steps away and returns to his own rooms to chastise himself. Almost the minute he’d heard those soft, generic words of praise, he’d realized where he’d gone wrong.  ycKU8N

Wei Qing was alone now, and isolation was something he found dreadful. His parents were old and off on a private island, the ultra-rich equivalent of putting themselves in a home. Even before they left, the Wei parents were so deeply in love that everything else, even their genuine love for their children, paled in comparison. Wei Qiwan had always been the one to bridge that gap and give Wei Qing the security of being someone’s whole world, but… now that was also gone, wasn’t it? His brother disdained him, and he did not know why. He’d graduated college and the easy friendships that came from it, while isolated from his coworkers by his role as their boss, the second master of the family whose name was emblazoned on the building they worked at. He’d dedicated himself first to a family in which he found himself superfluous, and then to a string of messy friends and messier affairs that would fill his life with touch, if not the warmth of true connections. 

But what did he have right now? 

No one. Nothing. Just an assistant that he couldn’t ask for such things from, because he didn’t want to be misinterpreted, didn’t want to be bad, wanted so badly to be a good boy. Wanted it so bad that even if it was the thinnest of pretenses, he’d pay thousands to cradle his phone and have a stranger be nice to him. 

Yue Fei feels like the biggest piece of shit in the world, for not anticipating this.  nAxrv9

A few weeks into rebirth, hadn’t he committed to helping Wei Qing, as long as he stayed good? So why was his version of help so lackluster? He wasn’t an idiot, any more than Wei Qing was, so why hadn’t he noticed how very touch-starved Wei Qing might become, as he tried to be perfect? 

What Wei Qing was suffering through, and giving up, for him? 

Chrysanthemum Garden.

Why didn’t he have a plan in place? Why hadn’t he noticed how calm and receptive Wei Qing had become, just from having him fuss over his jacket? That little bit of connection, how much had it meant? For the first time since he returned, Yue Fei feels deep disappointment. 

And it is meant for no one but him.  YwPkAt

—

Wei Qing registers vague, exhausted surprise at breakfast. 

Ever since he’d been– in whatever funk this was, as he wondered at the prospect of a lifetime of this penance, Yue Fei had been cooking increasingly elaborate meals, with truly impressive amounts of dishes to clean after, probably to keep him from growing mushrooms in his room like a complete shut-in. 

But today, breakfast is shockingly simple, chive omelets cooked in a single pan, with a single knife for chopping and one mixing bowl.  vgKGxW

Hah. Maybe Yue Fei is tired of seeing him. Maybe he is giving up, maybe this is his limit. It would be fair. After all, who the fuck wants to spend forever with a lovesick manchild that’s entangled with hundreds of people but expects you to believe he means it this time, when he says you’re special? 

Even Wei Qing is tired of his own bullshit. 

So, even as he pathetically stretches it out, it only takes a few minutes to clean up after breakfast. A few minutes of the light scent of Yue Fei, wreathed in some random body wash that he’s never going to be close enough to have the right to truly deconstruct. A few minutes of waiting for something to happen, for change to come. And when it doesn’t, there’s the thinnest layer of defeat added to his shoulders as he silently sweeps into his room to stare at the walls, trying and failing to remember the names or even faces of all those bedmates, and hating himself every time he can’t. 

He knows this is unhealthy.  OaFJt0

Knows that he’s skipping work and disappointing Yue Fei and proving his fucking brother right, and that awareness just makes it worse. Just makes the hole harder to crawl out of, as he despises himself for this weakness, and the weight of it just makes him more weak. It’s crying more, because you’re ashamed that you’re crying at all, only– he doesn’t even have the energy for that, not at this point. 

The door opens, and it is not quite worth the effort to roll over. Probably, Yue Fei is concerned about the state of his laundry, or maybe, he is here to air out the room. Neither requires Wei Qing’s input. He might even somehow make it worse-

Wei Qing’s eyes widen, as he feels the mattress sink behind him. 

“Scoot over.” w3uDO0

That? That is worth rolling over for, or at least turning his head. Yep. Yue Fei. Not a figment of his imagination. Yue Fei in sweatpants and a t-shirt, sitting on the edge of his bed and looking down at him, worried, yet not scornful. Repeating, in a soft, coaxing voice: 

“Wei Qing. Be good. Scoot over.”

Wei Qing does as he’s told, being the very best inch-worm he can be, tangled up in the comforter. And as soon as there is space, Yue Fei lays down beside him. He’s stiff and awkward, but warm and real and there, and Wei Qing finds himself shaking and dashing away angry tears, hoping that Yue Fei can’t tell (but of course he can), hoping he doesn’t scare him away from whatever this is, even if it’s just the pity of a good man. 

Yue Fei exhales, breath ruffling the hair that he should really go ahead and wash already. His voice is low, where it hovers just above his ear before wrapping around him, “Wei Qing. Tell me if it’s too much for you.” OqVMPH

Wei Qing would ask for clarification, but he does not believe anything coming from Yue Fei will ever be too much. He nods and, when he feels Yue Fei shift, one arm snaking under his head and the other wrapping around his upper stomach to hold a hand, he buries his face against the man’s bicep. Accepts that Yue Fei is wordlessly spooning him, that the heart beating against his spine belongs to someone who cares about him. 

He cares.

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Even if Yue Fei doesn’t love him back– this is not something you do for a paycheck. 

This is certainly not something Yue Fei would do for a paycheck. This is- this is Yue Fei wanting to help him. Just because. He feels a little bad, about the amount of tears and snot that end up on Yue Fei’s poor arm, but the man just squeezes his hand and rubs his chin against the crown of his head. He doesn’t flinch or pull away or say cruel words. m2kTtN

Yue Fei is simply present, as long as Wei Qing needs him. 

Wei Qing loses track of how many times he apologizes, and for what. Yue Fei tells him it is nothing, it is forgiven, it is no bother, he’s good and he’s proud of him. Morning turns to afternoon, the sun tries and fails to interrupt them. It’s like listening to a soundscape of the ocean, only it’s Yue Fei swearing that he’s worthy and important, which works better than any pre-packaged meditation pack ever could. 

Yue Fei even shares, a little, as the sun dip behind deep clouds.

“I don’t experience loneliness the way most people do.” Yue Fei shifts, trying to pop his back and get the circulation back into his arm without making Wei Qing feel abandoned. “I am sorry for not taking better care of you.”  tK7hnX

Showing more initiative than in the last week combined, Wei Qing flips over, pulls Yue Fei into a hug, and hides his face in the pocket of space created between Yue Fei’s pec and armpit. He is like a cute (very slobbery) puppy trying to burrow into the bed of its new owner. Yue Fei loosely returns the hug and traces patterns of leaves and vines against Wei Qing’s shoulder bones. 

He speaks to fill the silence and to connect. Trading scars. That’s intimate, isn’t it? 

“I grew up in a commune. I’m not sure anyone down here knows except your father, and now you. Everyone there was… encouraged to feel first, and think later. I wasn’t raised to judge such things. But I wasn’t built for it either. Wei Qing- I won’t judge you, okay? Whether you end up being like my parents or like me, you will still be you.” He sighs again, squeezes a little tighter, feels more truth bleed into his words. “I care about you hurting yourself. Not the rest of it.”

He catches Wei Qing peeking at him as if he’ll suddenly find some random mystical tattoo on his face. Yue Fei smiles and runs his thumb down his back.  rBedun

“As long as you don’t abandon yourself, I won’t abandon you. I promise.”

Worst comes to worst, even if you walk down the same damned path, can’t I just kill Yang Wushe? If I reincarnate as a pig, so be it. I am not your brother; I will not protect you with a cure that is worse than the illness it treats. I can adapt. I was (re)born to do so. If you want to bed a million people, I will vet them all to ensure they are worthy, if you want to become the world’s worst game streamer, I will hire an entire water army to prop you up, and if you want to kill Wei Qiwan– I will talk you out of it and distract you with dolphins, or something. 

You are the family I have chosen.

— YzHJ6

Wei Qing’s bed is very comfortable, and perhaps, he is not the only one that has missed human contact. Yue Fei, who has spent days tightly coiled around his own worries, manages to drift off and nap. Nap holding his master, like it’s completely natural. Without any ulterior motive. 

Wei Qing is in awe of him. 

He is aware enough of his own failings to know that he is not some amazing paragon, some angel descended and destined for the devotion of mortals. Angels don’t die the way he did. For Yue Fei to be so kind and understanding and perfect, for someone as imperfect as he is– Awe is the only word for it. 

So Wei Qing counts his breaths and stares at his face and feels the warmth of him, here in his bed, not because he screamed or seduced or anything else, but because he was suffering, and Yue Fei wanted to help him. Just help him. Fastidious, scheduled, organized Yue Fei was willing to change into his pajamas at ten in the morning and waste an entire day being an emotional support pillow for him. Wei Qing really can’t imagine what he’s done to deserve all this.  jGziI9

He tries to picture a little Yue Fei with long hair and a flower crown, sitting in a circle with a bunch of people dressed in linen. Tries to imagine someone trying to pull a teen him into an orgy only to be told to be good and do their homework instead. 

He snickers then shushes himself as Yue Fei’s eyelids twitch. Despite the ridiculous amount of sleep he’s achieved over the last few days, he manages to nod off as well. Depression is funny like that. Unlimited lethargy, even in bed with a lovely man. 

Chrysanthemum Garden.

It’s not a deep sleep– when Yue Fei finally wakes up, Wei Qing wakes up with him, in a room filled with the last gasps of a setting sun and gentle oscillation of his fan. Yue Fei feels him respond to his shift and pats his back, as if coaxing him out of wakefulness. 

“Sorry– can I use your restroom?” Ha. Biology. It seems ridiculous that someone as perfect as Yue Fei still has to do things like piss. Next time he goes to the underworld, he’ll complain on his male god’s behalf. SejrsJ

Wei Qing nods against the bicep that he’s pillowed against. “What’s mine is yours.”

Yue Fei chuckles and slides his various body parts free of him. Gets up, stretches, pads over and shuts the door with no trace of regret in his steps. Seriously perfect. Even before Wei Qing can panic about ‘the morning after,’ even if it’s not night yet– Yue Fei is proving that he’s as calm and collected as ever, that things are fine as long as Wei Qing doesn’t self-sabotage. 

He won’t abandon him. He promised. 

And as much as Wei Qing would like to lay back down and wait to be snuggled again, he doesn’t want to dirty this by taking advantage. So he sits up and pops his neck, adjusts his junk, and even throws some socks to the other side of the bed, in the hopes that Yue Fei won’t notice.  L2dAt5

And when Yue Fei appears, gloriously backlit by the warm light of the bathroom, Wei Qing smiles weakly at him and decides to just ask for what he wants.

“Pizza?”

Yue Fei desecrates his kitchen with a delivery pizza and a liter of cola. There aren’t even capers on it, they’re basically just pepperoni barbarians. Pepperoni barbarians drinking teeth-rotting junk from glassware that costs more than the entire meal (+tip) and watching some dreadful science fiction movie about telepathic primordial spiders. 

Wei Qing hasn’t ever felt more at home, not since he was a kid.  1pgyf

(Yue Fei has never felt this kind of belonging, not even as a kid).

Author’s Corner: 

Soft boy hours.