“Ah. When I was wandering around the company with Seodan, Han Team Leader and I talked about TF over drinks. Don’t misunderstand, we didn’t talk anything specific. I couldn’t understand why he would even consider bringing someone who had such a bad reputation like Seodan at that time, and especially after the accident -”
“When is the year-end?”
“Well… I’m not sure?”
The signal changed. As we started crossing the street amidst the crowd, Deputy Park furrowed his eyebrows as if trying to recall something.
“Um… around December 28th? Something like that. Why do you ask?”
The 28th was during the time when I was being treated like a ghost in the team. It was before the TF announcement, meaning before I even submitted my application.
Until I left work, I couldn’t see his face. Hours after Deputy Park and Assistant Manager Kwon were called up, Supervisor Kim received a message saying it was okay to send the remaining people waiting in the meeting room straight home. Even after Supervisor Kim and Deputy Yoon went home, I remained alone in the empty conference room for a while.
I opened the software. The dense spiderweb in the background was outlining the project I had been working on for the past three months. I scrolled through the remaining records in the chat window and skimmed through the meaningless list of messages exchanged. Except for the green light next to my photo, all the other team members were offline.
With nothing else to do, I pulled up a chair and watched the small figures crossing the intersection outside the window. People gradually gathered at the four corners from somewhere and flowed onto the tea-colored road when the signal changed. They converged into a large mass at the center of the intersection, then dispersed from the edges again, losing their constellations.
As the sun set, the pink cherry blossom petals looked white. The noise creeping in through the cracks became quieter as time passed. One by one, the windows of the buildings across the street from the company began to darken.
At twelve o’clock, I meticulously closed the curtains, finished the document check, and left. I caught a taxi in front of the company.
Even without looking at the message, I remembered the password. I entered the dark house alone, habitually took off my clothes, and changed into his shirt. Without turning on the light, I sat on the rug with my knees up. I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the back of the sofa. I didn’t move until the phone rang.
– Where are you right now?
He asked without giving me a chance to speak.
– Are you home?
“Where are you, Han Team Leader?”
I rose with stiffened muscles. Through the handset, I heard the sound of wind. His voice sounded strange, as if twisted. Though his pronunciation and intonation were fine, it felt unfamiliar, as if it weren’t his.
“Are you still at the office? … If you can’t come in, should I go?”
– Where are you? I asked you first.
Focusing on pulling up my pants with one hand, I answered.
“At Han Team Leader’s house.”
“…”.
It was quiet as if the line had been cut. I hastily fastened my buckle, gave up changing into a shirt, and grabbed my coat. I rummaged through my bag and only took out my wallet. That’s when he spoke.
– Go home.
“…Yes?”
– Go to your house. Hang up and go straight away. I think it’s better if I don’t see Seodan today.
His voice had no intonation. I struggled to read anything from his clean-cut words. Unable to understand, I finally asked.
“Are you coming in? If you are, I just wanted to see your face quickly without taking much time…”
“…”.
“Or, if you’ll be at the office, I can go to the company…”
My breath trembled. It felt like a hot, painful lump blocked my throat.
“I just want to see if you’re okay.”
At the end of that voice, I unwittingly let out the pent-up sorrow I had held all day.
“I’ll just see Han Team Leader’s face… and then go home.”
– If Seodan is there, I can’t go home.
“Why?”
I asked like a child. After a brief silence, a sigh or maybe a wind came through the handset. In a locked voice that seemed both drunk and sober, he said.
– Stop being stubborn and go home. You sang about wanting to go so badly.
“…”
– Did you understand?
He asked again when I didn’t respond.
– Do you understand what I’m saying?
“Yes.”
– See you tomorrow.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
The call was abruptly cut off, as if ruthlessly severing a tie. I slowly put down my phone, pushed my wallet back into my bag, took off his shirt, and changed back into mine. Putting on my coat, slinging the bag over my shoulder, and putting on my shoes, the sensor light in the hallway turned yellow. My face looked yellow and exhausted in the small mirror hanging on the shoe rack.
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There was no need to wait long. With a beep, beep, my feet involuntarily rushed to the front door at the sound of the password being entered. Before he could unlock the door, I took the handle and opened it myself.
He stood beyond the threshold like a dark shadow. When our eyes met, he let out a long sigh, almost like a sigh of relief.
“Where do you let other people’s words flow to?”
Cigarettes, cologne, alcohol. The strong scent of alcohol lingered.
“If I tell you to go home.”
“…”
“You should listen and consider there must be a reason.”
The door closed. His fingers gripping my wrist tightly trembled slightly. Suddenly, my mind went blank, as if it had turned dark.
He pushed me against the shoe rack next to the entrance and let out a long breath. The veins in his neck stood out distinctly. As if unable to bear the accumulated burden, his body gradually stiffened, and he suddenly collapsed like a seizure.
Bang, a loud noise erupted right next to my ear.
The surface of the shoe cabinet shook as if it were about to break. His eyelids trembled thinly as he clenched his shaking fists.
“Go home. Please.”
“…Team Leader.”
“I can’t control myself right now, so before we both regret it… Please leave, Lee Seodan.”
Blood trickled slowly from his pale fingers. Bloodshot and swollen eyes met mine at a nose’s distance. His hot and unstable breath brushed against my lips as he exhaled.
I suppressed a whimper of fear rising up to my throat.With trembling fingers, he unbuttoned the top button of my shirt. Watching him repetitively fumble with his stiff fingertips, he closed his eyes.
His tightly shut lips cursed vehemently, “Damn it,” with clear enunciation.
I undressed, lifting my trembling chin to meet his lips with mine. Awkwardly, I licked the rough surface and briefly trapped his lower lip between mine, tasting the faint smell of alcohol before releasing it.
“I won’t… go home….”
“……”
“Do as you wish, Team Leader. I won’t regret it….”
Now, I couldn’t tell if the trembling was from my body or his.
My shoulders were grabbed as our bodies pressed between his chest and the shoe cabinet. His tongue delved into my mouth fervently. Simultaneously, he ripped off the several remaining buttons with strong hands. Sliding his lips down, he bit into the exposed flesh of my shoulder as if tearing into meat.
A sudden, intense pain momentarily blinded me. Gasping, I reflexively grabbed the arm that had risen to push him away, pulling it down myself. With a low voice, Han Team Leader, running his fingers over the open wound, said,
“You can’t just live by talking without knowing anything.”
“…Hngh, stop….”
“Come up with me. I’ll make you regret it.”
He grabbed my wrist and pulled me along. My discarded shirt tangled with his shoes and rolled awkwardly into the hallway. By the time we reached the top of the stairs, the sensor light behind us went out.
As if there were no more escape routes left.
He closed the door and gently pushed me onto the bed. Without a word, I reached out quietly towards him as I watched him loosen his tie. The knot he tied around me was tighter and more urgent than usual.
As he unlocked the wardrobe with a key, I closed my eyes tightly, gripping my fingers, intertwined above my head. I was fortunate that there was nothing to say to reassure him. In truth, I wasn’t sure if I could bear it. It might have been better to have preemptively blocked all resistance.
His hands, guiding me into a prone position by gripping my waist, were trembling slightly. Looking up at his pale, expressionless face, barely visible in the dim light, and his eyes darkened with concern, I realized how much he needed this. If I hadn’t been there when he returned home, how would he have coped?
So, in retrospect, my pain wasn’t all that significant. As he struck me, releasing his anger not towards me but towards something else, I repeatedly corrected my posture and lifted my hips. I sobbed uncontrollably, as if to replace the dryness in his eyes. Tears of sorrow and pain gathered in my throat, streaming hotly down my cheeks.
After tormenting me, almost as if to check my condition or something beyond, he held me tightly, his sweat-drenched body firmly gripping mine, comforting me. He bit into my flesh, leaving marks, and pressed his wet lips against it several times. His anxious, trembling fingers caressed my cheek, and his firm grip tightened around my throat. As he choked me, I gazed silently at his blurry face, my vision flickering on and off.
“… Even if Lee Seodan doesn’t regret it.”
He said in a hoarse voice, aligning his member above the parted entrance, after spreading my hips.
“I regret it. Not being able to protect Lee Seodan without any cost, and not being good enough. It’s too late now, but…”
“Ugh!”
His thick member split me in half like tearing a paper. I silently gasped, trying to muster strength amidst my convulsing body. I raised my tied arms to hug his neck with difficulty, kissing him to stop any further words.
If I could turn back time, I thought I wouldn’t have met him like this. I should have found him in any state sooner. If I could, I would have stayed by his side until the end, proving those who turned away from him wrong.
Even if I couldn’t solve anything for him, even if I was insufficient. Even if it became my pain. It was thousands of times better than nothing, better than not being able to do anything.
***
When I opened my eyes, he wasn’t by my side. The cellphone clock showed it was past five in the morning. As I got used to the faint darkness seeping through the window, I slowly got up. My whole body ached as if I had been beaten, and my hips and in-between felt as if they were on fire. I lifted the crumpled shirt and wiped behind me, but there was no sign of blood. The bruise would probably heal properly. It seemed like I would have some trouble sitting down at work.
I silently descended the stairs step by step. Standing in the living room, I looked around and saw him leaning against the railing beyond the wide glass door of the balcony. Thin wisps of smoke rose from his neat hand holding a cigarette.
I opened the door and stepped barefoot onto the cold tiles. He must have heard my approach, but he didn’t turn around. Closing the door, I went to stand beside him, leaning against the railing parallel to him. The sky on the opposite side was still dark, but a hint of blue was breaking towards his face.
“It’s cold. Why did you come out? Go inside.”
He said without looking at me, his voice devoid of emotion.
I nodded without a response. Then he pushed off his slippers and handed them to me. I struggled to fit my feet into the much larger shoes and curled my toes. The parts of the soles that touched were warm with body heat.
“Are you okay?”
He still didn’t look at me as he asked. The hand on the side without the cigarette reached out and lightly brushed my hip. I bit my lip and swallowed a sound. His warm palm grazed the lower back and pulled me closer, making my side press against him. It was warm.
“Are you shivering because it’s cold, or because I’m scary?”
“Because it’s cold.”
I replied. Goosebumps formed on my thighs since I wore nothing underneath. He wordlessly embraced me tighter. Flicking the shortened cigarette into the ashtray piled with stubs, he leaned my legs against his body.
“Should I get some cigarettes?”
The pack he took out from his pocket was almost empty. He picked out the last one and said shortly, “It’s fine.” The hand holding the lighter passed over my chest, and the blue flame flickered softly.
He lightly wet the hand holding the lit cigarette. The dry lips, exhaling smoke slowly, brushed against my neck.
“Are you getting tired of me?”
His voice trailed off. I turned my head, gazing at the distant tall buildings already lit up in the darkness. My cheek brushed against his warm neck.
“Why would I…”
“If I were Lee Seodan, I would have opened my eyes and left without looking back. Not coming to find me.”
I closed my mouth. His chest, enveloping my back, felt warm. Each time he spoke, a pleasant vibration resonated through me.
“Will the presentation go on as planned tomorrow?”
I brought up a different topic. Without probing further into the unanswered question, he remained silent for a moment.
“Well, it has to. Regardless of the outcome.”
“Then…”
“Lee Seodan doesn’t need to worry. Just wait in the conference room today, and tomorrow come directly to the venue where the presentation will be held. I…”
He flicked the ashtray, causing the accumulated cigarette butts to spill onto the table.
“…I, I’m just going to push through.”
“…Is that okay though?”
“No, it’s not.”
He said nonchalantly. His chin rested heavily on top of my head.
“But for now, it’s the best option. Starting this morning, I’ll be stuck with Deputy Park and Kwon, pulling an all-nighter, and heading straight into the presentation tomorrow.”
“…Shouldn’t you rest now though?”
I felt a bit nauseous. One might say he was superhuman. If you added up his sleep time for the past week, it wouldn’t even total twenty hours. It was the same last week. I couldn’t fathom the level of endurance required.
“I can’t sleep.”
He answered slowly.
“I feel terrible, and nothing goes my way. I wonder if I’ve always been this much of a mess.”
His tired voice was filled with crimson thorns. Even though they weren’t aimed at me, my chest felt pricked as if stabbed.
“I’m sorry.”
So I murmured softly. His hand, which was caressing my nape, abruptly stopped.
“What are you sorry for?”
“…For not being able to help.”
“What kind of help does Lee Seodan think of? Are you going to shoot and kill all the people who annoy me, or buy the company outright and let me run it as I please?”
“…Not to that extent.”
Han Team Leader released my shoulder and stepped away. His face, now facing me, was expressionless, devoid of emotion.
Then he casually glanced up at me and said, “Reach out your hand.”
“What?”
“The ashtray is full. If you want to be helpful, extend your hand. I will flick the ashes.”
I looked up at his face. I stared at the red ember of the cigarette nestled between his neat fingers. My body trembled slowly as if chilled to the bone.
Han Team Leader urged me incessantly, flicking the diminishing cigarette into the air.
“Or, do you refuse? You can’t handle that either?”
I dropped my dizzy gaze to the floor. An oppressive silence hung in the air as I hesitated. A dark gap appeared beneath my feet.
Then, slowly, I extended my left hand, offering my trembling palm in front of him. The thin veins traversing the pallid surface stood out vividly even to my eyes.
Han Team Leader gripped my wrist with one hand, preventing any chance of escape. The tip of the burning cigarette descended slowly towards the center of my palm. I bit my lip until I tasted blood and lifted my eyes. I didn’t avoid his gaze until the end.
“…Damn it.”
Suddenly, he spat out a rough curse. The hand holding the cigarette changed direction in mid-air and slammed onto the table. The table shook as if it might overturn. There was a terrible crunching sound. The crumpled cigarette rolled onto the white wood, leaving a scorched mark.
My shoulder was grabbed in an instant. What met my eyes was his eyes burning as blue as the flame of a lighter. As the tension eased, cold sweat dripped down my spine. I quietly regulated my breathing, focusing my gaze on his chest and asked hesitantly.
“Did you think I couldn’t do it?”
The grip of his fingers dug into my shoulder. He clenched his teeth tightly and retorted.
“Did you really think, Lee Seodan, that I couldn’t do it?”
“It doesn’t matter if you did.”
The trembling persisted like convulsions.
“I would have reached out, even if it wasn’t my hand, but my lips, if you had asked me to, Team Leader.”
“….”
Suddenly, his hand dropped away. He stepped back from me, leaning against the railing. Pressing his fingertips against his temple, he covered his face with both hands and remained silent for a while.
My body still trembled. With trembling fingertips, I picked up the cigarette butt he had flicked onto the table and placed it on the ashtray. As the table shook, I stacked other scattered cigarette butts like a tower. My fingers slipped several times. The cigarette butt kept rolling off. The tip of my sweaty finger stained black.
Without raising his head, he interrupted in a hoarse voice.
“Stop it.”
“….”
“Let’s stop, please. …Lee Seodan, what on earth…”
I tentatively wiped my fingers on the shirt. There was a mark burned black on the white shirt. Far away, dawn was breaking blue.
“Do you know? Since I met Lee Seodan.”
He didn’t look up. Without looking at me, he continued in a low, choked voice.
“I’ve been stepping on and crushing every thought of the worst time, the time when I couldn’t stand myself the most. I thought I had come to terms with it and moved on… but I realized I hadn’t. I became so adept at avoiding facing it, so cunning… That’s why it was comfortable. That’s why it seemed like nothing…”
“Every time I thought I had certainty, I realized it was arrogance, and what I considered my flexibility was simply a lack of urgency. Every time, without getting tired…”
His low voice trailed off like murmurs. With his head bowed, he suddenly chuckled.
“No, that’s obvious. Someone who truly has certainty wouldn’t need to confirm it in the first place. From the beginning, I…”
His disheveled hair fell haphazardly. Through the gap, his bloodshot eyes were visible. I couldn’t say anything and just watched the man before me.
“Why did you reach out your hand?”
Reaching out his hand to steal a glance at my eyes, he asked indifferently. The fingertips that touched me trembled as pitifully as mine. I choked back my throat and remained silent.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t do that? Or am I such a good person that it doesn’t matter what happens?”
“……”
“If it’s the former, I was wrong. I may have a perverse hobby like Lee Seodan thinks, but I’m not a man with a healthy and sound mind. I’ve pretended to be like that for a long time, but now, even I…”
His hand placed on my shoulder tensed up. He clenched his fist until the knuckles turned white, then slowly loosened his fingers as he exhaled.
“Sometimes, when I look at Lee Seodan…”
His voice, broken and raw, continued.
“I want to torture you, lock you up in the basement, and only let you see my face and hear my voice for the rest of your life… I want to see you begging for me, crying and clinging to me, even if it’s thirty minutes a day. Even if every word from your mouth says you love me, I wouldn’t be satisfied then. Whenever I feel restless, I want to abuse and rape Lee Seodan…”
“……”
The words flowed out in an indifferent tone, lacking realism. Only the fingertips trembling next to my thigh showed sensitivity. He casually discarded the tail end of his speech and twisted his lips into a smirk.
“There are times like that. And like a madman, there are times when…”
🫢😮
No puedo no amar al líder de equipo Han… perdón