After Getting Gayified, I Swore Off Parody MashupsCh29 - Kisses don’t count when it comes to saving lives

576

When I woke up the next day, Jiang Ran was still sleeping. tn0sUh

I poked him through the quilt. “Are you feeling better yet?”

He made a stuffy sound of assent.

Chrysanthemum Garden.

“Can you still film today?”

“It’s fine. The fever has gone down.” He propped himself up from the bed, looking at me solemnly. “I can’t allow myself to delay so many people.” ydgzhO

 

577

After breakfast, the production crew took the cable car up the mountain.

To avoid tourists, the crew chose to get the shots from a relatively smaller northern plateau.

O udCk

The sky was overcast and the wind was sending a glacial chill through the air. It was perfect for a snowstorm scene.

We climbed up with ropes. The local guide was telling the legend of the snow mountain with relish. Unfortunately, the wind was howling too loudly, and I wasn’t able to hear it.

 

578 V6IGO0

When we arrived at the shooting site, the crew asked us one by one if any of us were feeling unwell. Jiang Ran calmly said that he was fine.

When I saw the paleness of his complexion and the way he kept suppressing the coughs, worry welled up in me.

After the filming for this scene is done, I must persuade him to go to the hospital.

  08U6Vi

579

Our guide was a seasoned king of fighting, known by those in the Jianghu as Lord Fourth.

He led us on a long walk and instructed us to kneel three times and kowtow seven times so as to not disturb the mountain gods.

Jiang Ran was at the back. lPcaG7

As I kneeled and kowtowed, my old bones quickly ached like they were going to fall apart.

Gdi, another day of me digging yet another hole for myself to jump into.

Story translated by Chrysanthemum Garden.

When I was writing the novel, my editor said that tomb-robbing was illegal. Laozi had to change a few plot details when the novel was published, so as to protect my puny life from getting locked up behind bars.

Now, we were a regular expedition team. We had to kowtow to our ancestors and knock our heads to the ground in a great show of respect. H25YCj

Sure enough, writing web novels was a profession that was in defiance of the natural order. Acting the web novel that you yourself wrote was a double whammy and two times the death.

[your father is weeping.jpg]

 

580 YLvaKr

We continued to make our way up the mountain. The pace was fast, I was on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion. Just then, the director shouted over the intercom, “Everyone, take note. We’re about to film a blizzard scene.”

The snow from the snow-making machine was quickly plastered to my protective goggles by the wind. My vision went blank and my legs caved, I knelt to the ground.

Wen Zhao and the others were haphazardly pulling me up from the side.

When the viewers watch this scene in the future, they will surely think that my acting is so goddamn realistic. itHhZU

 

581

I didn’t know how long the machine had been blowing, but the director abruptly shouted, “Where’s Jiang Ran? Why isn’t he following behind?”

The director’s shout startled everyone. rW5GV2

I raised my hand to wipe the snow off my goggles, looking behind me.

There was nothing but white, more white, and a blank expanse of white.

Wts, where’s that guy?

My heart started beating wildly. I couldn’t care less about my cranky old waist and legs. I followed the crew to detour back where we came. n9ZRHb

Hell, these people are normally so good at sucking up to the almighty Film Emperor Jiang, but when it comes to critical moments, they have all become losers.

I cursed vehemently in my head.

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582 se9Yj0

I didn’t expect the road back to be so long. I staggered through the snow for a long time before seeing Jiang Ran, who was in a crumpled heap.

He was hanging his head low and half-kneeling on the ground.

“Jiang Ran!” I shouted at him, but my voice was swiftly drowned out by the wind and snow.

I practically rolled and crawled over to him. siYxtI

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

He was unbearably uncomfortable, gasping for breath. There was also blood sprayed on the ground.

“Memx…” P rajgfv, oijyyfgujrafv. “Qtfgf jgf sbe lcpegfv? Tbe kbc’a ogluulcu vlf gluta?!”

P tegglfvis abbx boo ws mbaabc-qjvvfv pjmxfa jcv mbnfgfv la bnfg tlw.

Aljcu Ejc kfjxis uijcmfv ja wf. Lf wbnfv tlr ilqr yea wjvf cb rbecv. JkLaG0

 

584

Pa kjr bcis ja atlr wbwfca atja P atfc gfjilrfv la kjr Aljcu Ejc’r cbrf atja kjr yiffvlcu. Llr olcufgr kfgf qgfrrfv jujlcra tlr cbrf, jcv mglwrbc yibbv xfqa qbeglcu vbkc jibcu atf yjmx bo tlr tjcv.

“Don’t breathe so hard.” I patted his back and pressed his nose. 96g70q

“Don’t press…” Jiang Ran coughed a few times, faltering as he pulled my hand away. “…My chest feels stuffy.”

?? My hand hung suspended in the air. I stared at him, at a loss.

The crew soon crowded around us.

I watched as wads of tissue were shoved to him, swiftly dyeing red. 538M1P

Jiang Ran’s whole body was ice-cold, except for his head, which was scaldingly hot.

The assistants brought out oxygen cylinders, but he couldn’t breathe it in at all.

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Nosebleeds and oxygen deficiency; you have bleeping death flags all over you, do you understand?

  DXQlnT

585

After struggling for a long time, a crew member was about to break out crying from anxiety. “This won’t do, President Jiang’s blood isn’t stopping, he needs to be sent to the hospital immediately.”

Jiang Ran was leaning in my arms. His head was covered with cold sweat, his breathing was strenuous, and he kept coughing non-stop.

I rubbed his violently heaving chest. “Keep holding on. I’ll give you oxygen as soon as the bleeding stops.” ASKdsJ

He tugged at my sleeve. “I’m… dizzy…”

I felt his madly leaping heart under my palm. My mind blanked.

This is effing 100 beats per minute, isn’t it?

“Fuck. How long till the ambulance gets here?” 0d8cXa

“Brother Shuyao, we still have to get down the mountain first!” His agent was also about to break out crying from anxiety. “The cable car will take five more minutes to come back up.”

Jiang Ran grabbed my sleeve with much effort. I lifted his eyelids and looked at his already out-of-focus pupils, my heart sinking sharply.

 

586 FTdzqP

“Give me the oxygen mask now!” I yelled at the crew, taking the mask and snapping it over his mouth. “Is it better yet?”

Jiang Ran heaved. “I can’t breathe it in…”

Har??

His agent cried out. “Brother Shuyao, the sealing of this mask isn’t airtight.” 1bdVFC

…I’m being driven mad.

I can even feel his body start to convulse under me.

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Jiang Ran, are you a fool? You clearly can’t handle the high altitude, why must you insist on coming up to shoot a scene?

  OTqxms

587

You’re such a fool that pigs wouldn’t even eat harmful trash like you.

Harmful trash that makes my heart ache.

  m7dLHW

588

After a few seconds of silence, I flung the oxygen mask away and straightened his head.

I cupped his jaw, pried his lips open, took a deep breath, and sent air straight in.

Laozi exhaling air into you through mouth-to-mouth is damn airtight, right? 5PCY62

“Coughcough…” He twisted his lower body.

I took a new breath, “Better?”

He strenuously nodded.

I continued to give him artificial ventilation. YSvquC

A thin stream of air passed between our lips. His icy lips soon moistened with saliva and his sharp breathing eventually subsided.

The crew member held his nose, finally stopping the bleeding.

His agent turned from sadness to happiness, clapping his hands in ecstasy. “Brother Shuyao, you’re really admirable! You’re like the reincarnation of the white-robed angel Hua Tuo! When President Jiang recovers, he can pledge his life to you in return!”

“……” In my head, ‘Who’d want to marry such an idiot.’ IjTUmS

 

589

Story translated by Chrysanthemum Garden.

Seeing that his complexion had improved significantly, I helped him wipe the corners of his lips.

His scorching hot head rested on my chest. He squeezed out words in a low voice, “Thank you.” 1JNy3S

Thank you, my ass. Just now laozi seriously thought I was going to be separated from you across the River Styx.

I stroked his hair. “I won’t save you next time if you try to act strong again.”

“It’s because you’re here that I want to do my best.” He turned his head, burying it into my chest.

?? If it weren’t for the fact that he was dying I would really want to hammer his doghead in. 2lewd8

 

590

I only felt more at ease when he was in the ambulance.

After reaching the hospital, he was pushed into the emergency department, staying in there for a long time. fsnw19

About half an hour later, the doctor walked out. His expression was dark. “The patient has to be hospitalised! There’s no way around it, it’s too dangerous!”

“What did you say?” I was leaning against the wall at first. Hearing this, I immediately charged over, holding his shoulders and shaking him vigorously. “How’s the patient? Is he in life-threatening danger?”

“N-No…” The doctor was visibly frightened by me. “But the patient can’t go back up to high altitudes now. He has a lung infection. This is a terrible thing, it’s too dangerous.”

At this, I released him, apologetically scratching my head. “Sorry, I was too keyed up just now.” KCHwdW

The doctor helplessly shook his head, mumbling, “Isn’t this Jiang Ran? Do film emperors really have to be so dedicated to their craft? Ah, really. Life is more important than anything.”

His words stabbed me in the heart. Hearing it made me feel particularly stifled.

 

591 BRwm4k

Yet his agent abruptly teased, “Brother Shuyao, you were especially like a Tyrannical CEO just now, the type who wants the doctor’s whole family to be buried with him if he can’t be cured.”

“……” I savagely flung him daggers with my eyes. “Don’t you have any conscience as Jiang Ran’s agent?”

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He instantly wimped out, smiling appeasingly, “Isn’t he fine now? All thanks to Brother Shuyao’s timely rescue.”

“Rubbish. Laozi is certified by the Red Cross, I’m just doing my duty.” syYuGt

When I was in university, my teacher told us that it was common to encounter accidents in productions and suggested that we get certified to lower the risk of anything happening.

However, it was regrettable that not long after graduation, I practised growing mould at home.

This was a skill that I never wanted to use again. It was really quite discomfiting to watch people lying around me in pain.

Especially… the idiotic kind, like Jiang Ran. 7FNfDz

 

592

Jiang Ran was still unconscious when he was wheeled into a sick ward. His agent took out a phone and started to fiddle with it.

“What are you doing?” m2bokt

“Taking a photo to post on Weibo and report his safety.” His agent frowned. “This incident is already trending, many people are keeping an eye on the news.”

I moved closer to check it out. In the photo, Jiang Ran’s complexion was pallid, his face was slightly puffy, and there was an IV drip hanging on the side. It had the word ‘MISERABLE’ stamped all over it.

“It’s too ugly, Jiang Ran will pass out from anger if he sees it.” I took the phone from his hands. “Also, there’ll be suspicion of him selling a sob story, don’t give the antis ammunition.”

After saying this, I took two photos of the heart rate monitor and tossed the phone back to him. sBaOCJ

“Just send this first. You can discuss the rest with him when he’s better.”

His agent looked as if he had received a treasure. “Brother Shuyao, you’re too good at this.”

“…No wonder you managed to fool Jiang Ran and have him wrapped around your thumb.” He paused here, giving out a small sigh.

Before I could react, he had already slipped to the door. “Okok, I won’t disturb the two of you anymore. Just call me if you need anything.” kewd3c

Har??

[squinty-eyed doubt.jpg]

Chrysanthemum Garden.

 

593 fvdI70

While Jiang Ran was still sleeping, I moved a chair over to the bedside, swiping through Weibo.

The top three hot searches were these:

#Jiang Ran unconscious from altitude sickness#

#Mo Shuyao Jiang Ran CPR# 6WkdxZ

#Jiang Ran’s first kiss is gone#

!! My worldview instantly collapsed.

It was clearly such a critical situation, yet they spun it into some kind of glorious romance?

I, who was clearly full of gong energy, was described by them into a little shou sending hugs of love in a life-and-death situation? 4Ivb9s

Jiang Ran’s fans cried a river:

> My male god’s first kiss is gone, I actually can’t beat a man??

Burning Book fangirls lifted their voices in song:

> My ship is real, my ship is dishing candy! Z6MLx1

Damn you! Why!

That was also laozi’s first kiss okay!

 

594 rTUgmj

“Pah!” I slammed my phone on the bed in anger. “F&%#@¥!…”

As I spat out colourful language…

Read more BL at chrysanthemumgarden (dot) com

 

595 Klj6ew

“Shuyao?” Jiang Ran suddenly moved, calling me.

“Ah?” I hurriedly shut up, walking to the head of the bed. “You woke up?”

He breathed in deeply, stuffily mumbling, “Is there water?”

“Yeah, however much you want to drink and you’ll be given.” I turned over to pour some for him. “The doctor said that you’ve got a cold and pneumonia. Get some rest for a few days and don’t go out and do anything unnecessary.” QkxbNT

“Oh…”

I shook the bed. “If I’d known you were so sick I wouldn’t have let you go up the mountain, it’s too dangerous.”

I thought back to yesterday when I heard him coughing his heart out and even assumed that he was faking it.

Whose fault is it when you keep hoodwinking me with your acting, haven’t you heard of the story of the boy who cried wolf? 1tVCS9

But come to think of it, that wasn’t too far off the mark. After all, Jiang Ran really was a bushy-tailed wolf on the inside.

 

596

After drinking some water, he reclined back into the bed, staring at me for a long time. xPomTy

“What?”

Jiang Ran lowered his head, smiling. “Thanks. Without you, I don’t know how I’d be doing now.”

I unconsciously pursed my lips. “Even were it not me, someone would definitely give you CPR.”

He laughed, then covered his mouth and coughed a few times. “Was that your first kiss?” RUG1ye

?? JIang Ran? Just what are you thinking?

I flew off the handle, giving him a stern look. “CPR doesn’t count as a kiss, got it? How can kisses count when it comes to saving lives!”

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“Then it must be.” Jiang Ran bit his lips to keep from laughing.

I instantly bristled. Pwhv0G

 

597

A while later, he said softly, “Come over.”

“What do you want?” 1q0D3d

He beckoned a hand at me.

I huffed. “What the hell do you want?”

Jiang Ran braced himself and moved closer, giving me a swift peck on the cheek.

“It’s my first kiss too, courtesy demands reciprocity.” 1Fg5Hw

!!!

I jolted in shock.

The sickbed banged down to lay flat and I whipped the blanket over his head.

“I should’ve just let you die.” dx0gaj

 


The author has something to say –

Altitude sickness: I tried my best.

FAW52

Translator's Note

Translator's Note

Person who puts on an act; feigning innocence.

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3 comments

  1. AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAaaaaAaaAaaaaaaahhhhh

    Thank you for the chapter 🤍☺️

  2. I guessed a lot of readers are actually like me, I can’t properly express my emotions right now into comments but seeing as there’s only two I still decided to do it anyway, thank you so much!! ╥﹏╥