Content Warning: Clinical depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, suicide attempts/suicide. If you’re uncomfortable with these, please do not read this novel.
It doesn’t matter, you can just die later.
Shen Tingmian turned the pen in his hand and thought calmly.
His mind began to wander off, and once again started his unrealistic fantasizing. Maybe he could use this fountain pen to pierce his throat, spurting blood and bleeding death.
Rationality always returned as if promised, like the little tail of a fragmented life: no, he didn’t have that accuracy in his strength.
He no longer had the blessing to wait for an accident anymore. Since it didn’t happen yesterday, it won’t happen today either. He still had to rely on himself.
Teacher Chen walked around him. The class was about to end, and there was a vague restlessness around. As she walked towards the back, several classmates in the front row seized the opportunity to start whispering, and then, they chuckled happily.
Outside the window, a large twilight fell on the new leaves. The wind was light and bright, sleeping in Shen Tingmian’s undulating breath. He couldn’t distinguish very well what was false and what was real.
“Turn back one page.”
Shen Tingmian sat in a loose posture nestling his upper body, freeing a hand to turn the pages of the book.
After school, when people had almost all dispersed, there would be a large, large area of blank space on the campus. At that time, he would go to the top floor and jump. Nobody would be hit, and not a single flower or plant would be harmed.
That open space below was simply perfect; the trees were far away and the soft ground had been built into hard concrete not long ago. There was no parking lot, nothing that could be used as a buffer.
God bless, he must die.
Death to Shen Tingmian was nothing.
During the first few attempts, he constantly struggled with himself. But now, he had no fear, no expectations, no pleasure or sorrow. He didn’t mind dying an ugly death and had long struggled out from the hypocrisy of timidity and fear of pain. This time, he wouldn’t compromise with affection and cowardice anymore. He knew very well that every hair stuck in his skin was screaming for him to die.
Teacher Chen was a fresh graduate with a clear voice. She was not at all confident, and thus the restlessness of her students nearing the end of the class made her feel uneasy, which caused her voice to tremble.
She was reading a text, and Shen Tingmian listened intently, occasionally wandering off to think about death.
His hands were also trembling with the frequency of the teacher’s voice trembling. For this reason, he habitually pressed his hands into the crook of his arm. This posture was ugly, like an old man, but he didn’t mind. He was at peace and absorbed in his yearning for the Grim Reaper.
A man about to die would always be extra forgiving.
In the past, he had tried to chop off these two unacceptable hands. Now that he was going to die, he was determined to reconcile with them.
Zhao Chen, his deskmate, woke up with a start and mumbled, “Class is almost over, right?”
“En,” Shen Tingmian agreed, smiling at him slightly, “You can really sleep.”
“I was woken up by your shaking,” Zhao Chen listened to the restlessness in class, and there seemed to be tremors coming from the corridor, “Fuck, classes upstairs had already ended.”
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
To cover up the shaking hands, Shen Tingmian would shake his legs.
Lf jirb rabqqfv qjslcu jaafcalbc ab mijrr, jcv klat obcvcfrr, tf jrxfv Itjb Jtfc klat j rwlif: “Qtfgf jgf sbe ublcu?”
“Xblcu ab atf lcafgcfa mjof klat Bjl Il jcv atf batfgr,” Itjb Jtfc delmxis yilcxfv j ofk alwfr, atfc geyyfv tlr fsfr, “Tbe jgf cba mbwlcu jibcu jujlc?”
“P tjnf ab vb tbwfkbgx obg j ktlif, sbe jii ub jtfjv.”
“I knew it!”
Shen Tingmian looked at Zhao Chen; he had already started packing his schoolbag, seemingly unconcerned.
The bell signalling the end of class rang, and Zhao Chen fled like flying.
Go, little youth.
Shen Tingmian stretched his legs and watched as the class entrance surged with school uniforms blurred into a black and white film swaying in his eyes, over and over again.
With hard-to-come-by undivided attention, he began to write tomorrow’s homework.
The last student on duty said to him, “Shen Tingmian, remember to lock the door.”
These should be the last words he would hear during this lifetime.
He still failed to finish all of his homework, only finishing his language homework. Even before his death, it seemed that his concentration wouldn’t recover to a normal person’s standard. He thought for a while before he wrote down the words “Teacher Chen, you’re great” in his workbook. But after he wrote it down, he thought that this might cause psychological stress to Teacher Chen, so he taped off the line of words again.
Going to die, do one still bring along a schoolbag?
It should be fine not bringing it, just that leaving it here would be a little bit disgusting for the others.
He still took everything anyway, carrying a schoolbag, as if he were going home.
With one hand in his pocket, he habitually squeezed the worn-out eraser, kneading the illusory and non-existent romance.
He locked the door in the dimly lit corridor.
Turning around, Shen Tingmian sluggishly caught the smell of cigarette smoke.
Classmate Li Muze was watching him from the window, shrouded in smoke.
Li Muze was very tall and also thin. Wearing a black sweater, he stood against the wall at the end of the corridor. He had smoked several cigarettes, and his eyes were red. It could be seen that he was still a novice smoker, he was holding his cough as he smoked. Even so, he was still inhaling vigorously, as if he couldn’t find a reason to stop.
His face, which had a dismissive look, now revealed a distressed expression.
Shen Tingmian saw his unhappiness at a glance and asked, “What’s the matter, why haven’t you left yet.”
Li Muze’s voice was hoarse, and he was not very happy. He slowly raised his eyebrows and spat out the strange yet unsurprising words. “You didn’t leave either.”
He put out his cigarette and threw it into the trash can in front of the men’s toilet. Then he strode over in two or three steps, intending to walk home together with Shen Tingmian.
Before Shen Tingmian could open his mouth to speak, he spoke fiercely, “Annoying.”
Shen Tingmian walked behind him, footsteps landing slowly, he asked again, “What’s wrong?”
“Disgusted.”
The setting sun jumped on his blazing white face.
“Disgusted with what?”
“Myself, I’m disgusting.”
“What’s with you?”
Li Muze came to a stop. At the corner of the stairs, there was an orange trashcan. He gave the trashcan a kick.
Then he let out his huge worrying trouble: “I like men.”
Shen Tingmian’s heart swelled.
The corners of his mouth creased into a shallow, stupefied smile. This smile was not refreshing at all, and it was especially sticky in summer.
Li Muze apparently interpreted this as ridicule. His gaze straightened, and he looked as if he would rush up to fight at any time.
Shen Tingmian was not afraid of being beaten. He quickly put away his smile and piously explained:
“It’s not a big deal, don’t feel disgusted. Don’t be upset over such things.”
Li Muze didn’t relax because of these words. He leaned his head back against the wall and his eyes shifted down to look at Shen Tingmian with undisguised hostile contempt.
Shen Tingmian stepped forward to pat him on the shoulder, and said sincerely, “You live for yourself. Don’t care about what others say, and don’t care about what your parents say. You just hold it back in your heart, and when you grow up, who is there to control you?”
Li Muze gradually softened, he retracted his chin, and his eyes a little surprised, “You don’t think it’s disgusting?”
“Not disgusting.” Shen Tingmian raised his hand, wanting to swear a vicious oath to increase his credibility.
He was a little hesitant because he really did have to die a miserable death by falling to death, but he truly didn’t feel disgusted.
Fortunately, Li Muze’s expression changed, and he knocked his hand down. “Crazy.”
So far, these two classmates haven’t exchanged a few words in total, but Shen Tingmian understood why Li Muze said these to him. People are like that, the lesser you know about them, the more they will tell you.
It’s just that he didn’t know what Li Muze was mulling over. His eyes were flickering, and the frequency of his blinking revealed his hesitation.
Then he lit another cigarette, a small spark illuminated half of his face.
That’s right. Shen Tingmian stared at him and thought.
This would be the last person he would see in this life. How lucky for him that the person was Li Muze.
Li Muze was flawless. In this entire small town, there weren’t many boys who were better looking than him. He had good grades, a good family background, and a good personality. He was also athletic, active, and healthy.
He should be able to live to one hundred years old.
I hope that he could be with the boy he likes and be showered with love and tenderness every day.
Shen Tingmian talked to him, still persuading him, “You don’t have to think too much. Whoever you like is your freedom, you have to……”
“Hit me.”
Shen Tingmian did not know why.
Li Muze looked extremely irritable. He spat out his cigarette, took a big step over, held his hand tightly and squeezed it into a fist, and smashed it onto his chest.
“If you feel disgusted, hit me.”
He pressed down heavily. Thump, thump, Shen Tingmian felt that his hand was hurt from Li Muze’s heartbeat.
“I already said that I don’t feel dis…..”
“Don’t joke around,” he said succinctly, staring firmly at Shen Tingmian, “I like you.”
“What?”
His lips moved like a fish singing.
“Shen Tingmian, I am very selfish. I like you, and it’s the kind of like that I’d want you to also like me back.”
Li Muze greatly emphasized the word “you”.
His hand felt really hot.
Shen Tingmian was about to be scalded, melting into a thin soul and dying in Li Muze’s body.
This is terrible.
All at once, the floating feeling, light-headed sense of detachment vanished, and the familiar feeling of emptiness poured into his body from head to toe without warning like bone-piercing cold water.
Doomed eternally.
Beyond redemption.
Author has something to say:
HE, ask again and it’ll be BE.
akjahsh it’s here!!!!
Thanks a lot for the translation!!
Yes have been waiting for this one! Thank you 🙂
Thank you for pícking this novel.😘
Everything was so melancholy but the author’s note made me laugh
Thanks for chapter 🫀
Finally it’s here!!!! So excited~ The setting is definitely unique. I can feel that this’ll make me cry (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)
Thank you for translating!
OH MY GOSH I ALREADY LOVE THIS THANK YOU TRANSLATOR IVE BEEN WAITING SINCE DAY ONE
I feel the threat from author-sama! (I quite like BE, do it’s fine with me, but I think a lot of people come for HE!) Wow, what a heavy, but great start! (๑♡⌓♡๑) Can’t wait to see what going to happen next! Thank You for translating this title and sharing it with us! ♡(> ਊ <)♡ Take care ❤️
alkfjasldkad that author’s note sealed it for me! I am intrigued by the novel!
hello, Is this novel not going to be translated anymore ?