CW; depictions of self-harm
The process of expelling the gu wasn’t painful, but it did look a bit gruesome and it was, most importantly, quite boring. The two people in charge needed their utmost concentration, so once the process began, Wu Lingtian and Fan Yi excused themselves back to their own room, seemingly without much more of a care in the world.
Wu Lingtian glanced at Fan Yi who pulled out a book and was seemingly getting ready to settle down to read it. After a moment of hesitation, Wu Lingtian sat down beside Fan Yi and observed him silently as the other had already gotten comfortable enough to begin reading. Seeing movement out of the corner of his eyes, Fan Yi glanced over at Wu Lingtian and was somewhat amused by his hesitant gaze.
“What’s wrong?” Fan Yi asked. “Are you anxious to find the servant?”
“Not particularly,” Wu Lingtian admitted. To be honest, the only reason he had been remotely interested in this whole ordeal was because Tian Xiewen had been wrongfully roped in. Now that his suspicions were about ninety percent cleared, Wu Lingtian was no longer as concerned.
“Then, what’s wrong?” the book in Fan Yi’s lap closed. “Is there something you want to talk about?”
Wu Lingtian liked when Fan Yi was like this. It was a warm patience that he would extend from time to time, making Wu Lingtian feel as if Fan Yi really did care about him. He lowered his gaze for a moment as he searched for a conversation topic.
It was rare for Wu Lingtian to take the initiative to speak like this, so Fan Yi remained quiet and waited.
There were many things Wu Lingtian could bring up, but it didn’t feel like the right time. And he didn’t want Fan Yi to get worried, he just wanted to have a conversation. But as he went round and around, he couldn’t settle on a topic interesting enough to keep Fan Yi engaged. Eventually, Wu Lingtian met Fan Yi’s gaze and, again, he heard a set of words tumble from his mouth.
“Earlier, Miss Zhou scolded us,” Wu Lingtian said. “She hasn’t done that in a long time.”
Fan Yi chuckled. “Did she do that often?”
Wu Lingtian thought for a moment. In his memory, he couldn’t think of a specific time, but when he had listened to Zhou Ying’an and seen her angry appearance, he had gotten a strong sense of déjà vu. He nodded and reclined against the daybed, his gaze still concentrated on Fan Yi.
“When I was younger, I tended to get into trouble with Feng Ling and the current master of Yu Shui manor,” Wu Lingtian said.
Fan Yi raised a brow. “Did you now?”
Another nod. “It wasn’t enough to be spread across all of jianghu, but I’m sure if you asked Uncle Situ or the sect elders of Drifting Clouds Mountain Sect, they would tell you that there had been instances where they had to pick up after us.”
Fan Yi scoffed. “And here I thought you had become a good little boy after joining Drifting Clouds Mountain Sect. Turns out even if you change your appearance, it’s hard to change your nature.”
“It wasn’t ever anything bad,” Wu Lingtian protested.
“No, but you’re not the type of child who will run amuck and get into trouble. You’ll make a mess and then carefully hide your tracks. If anyone got in trouble, I’ll bet it was your dear friends,” Fan Yi laughed.
“Xiao-xiong was smarter than any of us, so people wouldn’t even suspect him. Most of the times, it was Feng Ling who ended up getting in trouble,” Wu Lingtian fell silent and thought about his words for a moment longer. “It seems even a few of his most outrageous failures were related to us.”
Fan Yi laughed. “To have you two as friends, Situ Hong must have done something wrong in his past life. His track record already wasn’t great, but you two made it worse.”
“Well, he himself knew what he was getting into,” Wu Lingtian relaxed bonelessly with his head resting against the wall as he observed Fan Yi.
The statement stirred another laugh from Fan Yi. “That’s just like you to say. But this is also good.”
“What is?” Wu Lingtian asked.
Fan Yi met Wu Lingtian’s gaze. An unplaceable emotion flickered through his eyes. Wu Lingtian tried to capture the fleeting look, but it was gone too fast. Instead, Fan Yi’s impenetrable mask took its place. He felt a warm hand lightly rub the top of his head, like it had so many years ago, and looked up at the unageing face.
“It’s good that Rong Meihua didn’t change you too much,” Fan Yi said. He chuckled to himself, “Even someone like her wasn’t able to break your spirit.”
The tender hand shifted to Wu Lingtian’s shoulder and clapped against it a few times. “If you can live through that ridiculous fiasco, then you’re really ready for anything else in this lifetime.”
Wu Lingtian found himself feeling a bit exasperated. “Sect Leader, I’m not a child.”
“I know you’re not,” Fan Yi said. “And when have I ever treated you like one?”
“Aren’t you doing so now?” Wu Lingtian raised a brow.
“Am I now?” Fan Yi appeared a bit disoriented. He let out a soft laugh and shook his head. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry for that. In fact, I really don’t think of you as a child anymore. I can see that you’ve grown into a fine young man.”
The words were sincere, but Wu Lingtian still disliked them. They were words a senior might say to a junior they hadn’t seen in a long while. He frowned as he wondered how he could navigate out of this predicament, but Fan Yi, seeing Wu Lingtian’s lack of response, had already turned back to his book.
Wu Lingtian remained in a relaxed reclining position as various thoughts filtered through his mind. They’d always been like this. Even after Fan Yi stopped visiting Drift Clouds Mountain Sect, on the off chance when Wu Lingtian would run into Fan Yi during his troubles, it was always like some distant adult rejoining the life of someone younger than them.
For a moment, that boundary seemed to have slipped away, giving off the illusion of Fan Yi approaching Wu Lingtian on equal grounds. But, perhaps it was because of certain things being exposed after interacting with Li Ran, the border was slowly erecting itself again.
But what was he supposed to do?
All this life, if people didn’t approach him, then he wouldn’t even look at them. From when he was young till now, it seemed Fan Yi was the only one he was willing to…
“Sect Leader,” Wu Lingtian suddenly called out again.
We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.
Fan Yi looked over at Wu Lingtian. “What’s wrong?”
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So, in the end, you could only pick at it slowly and lightly. If you did it wrong, the fibers of the rope would unravel, so you had to be patient. Patient and gentle.
“A-Tian?”
“Sect Leader, I just remembered something I had to do,” Wu Lingtian sat up, his wavy hair spilling over his shoulder.
“Oh, alright,” Fan Yi nodded. “Go ahead then.”
“Will you wait for me for dinner?” Wu Lingtian asked seriously.
Fan Yi raised a brow. “I will…”
“We can eat with the others,” Wu Lingtian showed a smile, his dimple appearing rather deep in the afternoon lighting.
Fan Yi watched Wu Lingtian oddly but nodded nonetheless.
Wu Lingtian stood, straightened out his robes, and departed from the room.
In reality, there wasn’t anything particularly pressing that Wu Lingtian had to take care of. However, he felt that if he stayed, he would have pushed the situation into an awkward spot. He lifted a hand and pressed it against his chest. There was a rare feeling of anxiety, hovering within him, mixed with irritation and impatience.
It was odd. And like the many other things that has happened during this trip, it felt unfamiliar.
Wu Lingtian looked up at the sky, which was still a clean blue color, and began wandering the streets. The icy look on his face did more than enough to make people who wanted to make conversation avoid him. There was a lot on his mind, so it would be much better if he could go to a quiet place to dissect his own feelings and just what was wrong with him.
That’s right—there was something wrong.
It wasn’t as if he hadn’t known, but to come to the acknowledgement of it now made his hands clammy and his heart race. The sounds of the city were far too much, but he could no longer pull out his sword and fly off like he used to when things got too loud.
Instead, he walked quickly and he walked with his eyes directed downwards.
The sun had begun to drift closer towards the west. The forest was quiet enough, save for the soft chirping of birds and the reassuring gurgling of the stream.
Wu Lingtian’s feet brought him to the edge of the water. He sat down and leaned over the water’s edge, just managing to capture his distorted reflection staring up at him.
Now, what could he remember?
He was Wu Lingtian. That much was certain. He was picked up by the sect leader of Drifting Clouds Mountain Sect when he was younger due to his courageousness and aptitude for cultivation. Afterwards, Sect Leader Wang met an untimely death and he was taken in by Rong Meihua to be her disciple. Following that…following that, many years passed by.
Most recently, he was accused of killing his own shizun by decapitating her head. His sword was shattered. He was thrown into prison. He was chained to the wall, with his scalpula bone locked, rendering him useless. He felt…how did he feel?
Wu Lingtian started. He shook his head and momentarily continued his timeline of events.
Fan Yi saved him. He woke up. He met Li Qing and then saved her and a few disciples from a rampaging spirit beast. He spent a few weeks in Screeching Sparrow Sect, not questioning what was going on in the outside world. Then, he got the courage to clear his name. He pretended to be his shijie to recover a letter in Drifting Clouds Mountain Sect and then he was met with Li Ran.
Wu Lingtian’s thought process came to another stutter. He could feel sweat beginning to bead around his hairline, but he forced himself to continue.
…Then was the Zhuixing Conference. He cleared his name and there were those who believed him but those who still didn’t. He was innocent. He chose to be with Screeching Sparrow Sect because…
And then the murders began happening.
He slowly reconnected with Situ Hong. He met Wuma Qiongling. Zhou Ying’an scolded them, saying that they were the same as they used to be.
Situ Hong also had a great sense of familiarity towards Wu Lingtian.
Wu Lingtian went along with everything as if everything was natural and normal.
A shaky breath interrupted the near silent surroundings.
Natural and normal.
Natural? Normal?
Was he supposed to believe his reaction to Li Ran was normal? He remembered not being close with Situ Hong, so how come it felt like they knew so much about each other. And his dependency towards Zhou Ying’an—since when had they been so familiar with each other?
And his irritation towards Fan Yi.
Something that he hadn’t minded for so many months—maybe even years—now stuck out to him like a sore thumb.
And his feelings. When did his feelings of catching up get so…
Wu Lingtian glanced around. He picked up the sharpest rock he could find and shoved it against his palm. He dragged it across its surface and flinched at the pain he felt. He let the rock fall back onto the ground and watched his blood stain his white robes.
White robes.
He had never liked the color red.
When did he stop caring about what he liked and didn’t like?
His fingers slowly closed around the cut on his palm. His body suddenly felt numb and cold. Very cold. He held onto that sense of pain, as if it were the only thing keeping him grounded, and he laid out on the rocky surface beneath him.
No.
No, that wasn’t it.
This is normal. These emotions and connections were what was real. Of course, they were. Even if he couldn’t remember them—
When had his memory become so bad?
An excuse could be trauma. But how did that explain his other gaps in memory? Why were the only things he clearly remembered the few interactions he had with Fan Yi, scattered through the decades? How come he barely remembered anything in his youth, aside from when he was still living on the streets as Xiao Wu?
Wu Lingtian pressed the balls of his palms against his eyes. He felt the warm blood trickle down the side of his face, but it did nothing to alleviate the pounding headache he had developed through this journey.
Remember. He had to remember.
There was something very important he was forgetting, so he had to remember it.
Wu Lingtian slowly pushed himself off the ground. His legs were trembling—a feeling he had never felt before—and stepped towards the water. When the water was at his knees, he took a deep breath and threw himself into the clear lake.
Even if the weather was still warm, the water had an icy quality to it. It woke Wu Lingtian up, freezing him from the inside out.
He felt desolate before, didn’t he? But now, all he wants is to live. And, in order to live, he had to figure out what was wrong with him.
Who had messed with his mind?
There was someone standing in his way and he had to get rid of them.
That’s right.
Wu Lingtian’s eyes opened in the water.
He resurfaced and gasped for air. It filled and expanded his lungs as he pushed his hair back.
Get rid of them. That’s what he was used to doing, wasn’t he? He was used to getting rid of them.
That’s what made him the Yu Lan Sword.
“Yu Lan?”
Wu Lingtian whipped his head around. He looked at the man standing on the banks of the lake. There was still a murderous glint in his eyes that he had yet to rein in, but the man didn’t seem surprised or too shocked.
Wu Lingtian placed his hands together and bowed. “Sect Master Zhong.”
Sect Master Zhong hummed back in greeting. He glanced at the bloodstains against the rocks and then drew his eyes back to Wu Lingtian.
“Yu Lan…are you okay?”
“Thank you for Sect Master’s concern, but this Junior is quite alright,” Wu Lingtian lied without flinching.
He took note of how natural it felt.
“That,” Sect Master Zhong seemed to hesitate. He looked up at the sky and then back to Wu Lingtian. “Yu Lan, the sky’s getting dark. You should head back before the others worry about you.”
“The others?” Wu Lingtian still stood in the lake, as if the wetness clinging to his skin didn’t bother him in the slightest.
“Sect Leader Fan and the rest of them,” Sect Master Zhong gave Wu Lingtian a puzzled smile. “They would worry if you tarry for too long.”
“Oh, that’s right.”
Wu Lingtian lifted one leg after the other and dragged himself from the water. His robes were soaked through and weighed him down. The blood stains against his thigh had smeared and spread after becoming watered down. Sect Master Zhong didn’t show his surprise, but he still observed Wu Lingtian silently.
“Um…” Sect Master Zhong looked at the puddle that was forming beneath Wu Lingtian. “You should try off quickly, lest you catch a cold.”
“Of course,” Wu Lingtian bowed his head, but he still didn’t move.
Sect Master Zhong didn’t leave as well. The two men stood in silence while one waited for the other. Eventually, Wu Lingtian drew in a breath.
“Sect Master Zhong, what sort of person do you think I am?” Wu Lingtian lifted his gaze and looked directly at the other man. “Truthfully.”
“Truthfully,” Sect Master Zhong echoed. He hummed for a period of time before answering, “Cold and distant.”
“Just as the rumors say,” Wu Lingtian said.
Sect Master Zhong nodded. “The way you dealt with people under your shizun’s orders was always ruthless. At times, it wouldn’t even be surprising to say you were the spirit of a sword, cultivated into human form.”
Wu Lingtian pondered over his criticism. “Anything else?”
“When I see you with the disciples at your sect, I could see how much they adored you. I am merely an outsider,” Sect Master Zhong smiled gently, “but as an outsider, my impression of you is likely summed up as ‘kinder than expected’.”
The buzzing in Wu Lingtian’s mind slowly subsided. He nodded slowly.
“May I ask why the sudden question?” Sect Master Zhong said cautiously.
“Sect Master Zhong is the leader of the Hall of Impartiality, thus has vowed to keep a neutral gaze on the mortal world and its happenings. I wanted to see, from an impartial person’s perspective, what sort of person I am,” Wu Lingtian explained. He paused for a moment, “because, I myself, do not know what I am.”
Sect Master Zhong was silent.
“I’ve only come to realize that recently,” Wu Lingtian confessed. “Seeing all my old acquaintances again seemed to have stirred something within me, causing me to reflect upon myself.”
Sect Master Zhong chuckled. “I see. Self-reflection is always good, but do not dwell on it too much.”
Wu Lingtian met his gaze again.
“Often times, what you see inside isn’t the truth. Humans have a habit of evaluating themselves too harshly, after all. Of course, people who aren’t you may not be reliable either, but at least, in other ways, they can see what you cannot. A healthy medium is observing others and then looking into yourself,” Sect Master Zhong said. He thought for a moment before adding, “In my most impartial point of view, I can say that you, at heart, are a good person.”
“Really?” Wu Lingtian let out a scoffing laugh. “I’m a good a person.”
“The most difficult truth to believe on this earth is that you, yourself, is a good person,” Sect Master Zhong nodded his head in understanding.
“Sect Master Zhong, can this Junior ask one more question?”
“Any number of questions is fine,” Sect Master Zhong said.
“What do you define as a ‘good person’?” Wu Lingtian asked.
“A good person?” Sect Master Zhong mulled over the question in his mind. He smiled and looked back at Wu Lingtian. “There are many types of good people.”
“Such as?”
“A person who does kind deeds is naturally a good person,” Sect Master Zhong said, “but that doesn’t mean that a person who has blood on their hands is a bad one. The concept of ‘good’ is difficult to define and it is useless to do such a thing. Humans make mistakes and there are times they will do bad things—the so-called ‘good’ is nothing but a concept for others to feel superior.”
Wu Lingtian lowered his head as he digested the information.
“And,” Sect Master Zhong’s smile was a bit painful as he looked at Wu Lingtian, “so long as your heart remains kind, then you can consider yourself a good person.”
Wu Lingtian couldn’t help but laugh. “There must be a lot of good people in the eyes of the Hall of Impartiality then.”
“There are,” Sect Master Zhong sighed. “Sometimes, they come from an unlikely source as well.”
He glanced at Wu Lingtian, who was still dripping from head to toe. “Yu Lan, may I offer one last word of advice?”
“Whatever Sect Master Zhong has to say, I am willing to hear.”
“Don’t think about it too much,” Sect Master Zhong said. “The only life you have is the one you are currently living—don’t dwell on things in the past and don’t think too hard about things in the future.”
Wu Lingtian looked at the pool at his feet. He nodded in acknowledgement.
“Whatever you need or whatever you want to know will come in time,” Sect Master Zhong said. “Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.”
Wu Lingtian’s lips curved slightly. He laughed lightly. “Mn. Thank you for your concern, Sect Master Zhong.”
“Oh, concern,” Sect Master Zhong threw his sleeves behind him and began walking down the path again. “How the younger generation concerns me.”
Wu Lingtian looked up at Sect Master Zhong for a moment before following him. “What brought Sect Master Zhong all the way out here?”
“Same reason as you, I think,” Sect Master Zhong glanced at Wu Lingtian. “I wanted a walk to clear my mind.”
The older man let out a long sigh. “Things have been so still for so many years—now that there are ripples in the water, I’m not quite used to it.”
to even believe that you’ll ever be able to satisfy everyone’s definition of a “good” person was probably Wu Lingtian’s first mistake ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
Sect Master Zhong isn’t wrong
Maybe he needs to check for a gu? Or this is the result of losing his sword, like Fan Yi mentioned being worried about before? I look forward to finding out.